Had a huge row with DW over the long Christmas weekend, which was related to the skids, but was very different from the normal argument. In short, DW reached the conclusion that her kids are losers mostly because of "their choices," not her lack of parenting. Before I get into the details, here is the primer:

DW is a card-carrying "friend parent," who avoids real parenting at all costs. She is extremely light on discipline, lets the skids make almost all of the decisions, has no standards for the skids, and absolutely refuses to let me have parental authority. As you might guess, this has led to a veritable cornucopia of problems with her children.

Her son, my SS20, barely graduated high school. He does not shower properly, does not comb his hair, and dresses like a hobo. He also weighs well over 300 pounds, and somewhere underneath his C-cup man-boobs is a heart that is just waiting to explode. He does not work, and does not attend college anymore (since he flunked out after his first semester).

DW's daughter, my SD17, is hell on wheels. Although she has her brother beat in the hygeiene department, she is similarly unmotivated in school, and she is also a lot more of an "active trouble-maker." She has gotten Saturday school a number of times, constantly argues and talks back, and is an insufferable know-it-all. She also has major anger issues, and, thanks to my well-meaning but foolish father-in-law, has access to no less than 4 hunting rifles.

Anyway, last Friday night, it was just me and DW, since the skids were with their "perfect" bio-daddies for Christmas. DW and I are eating dinner, and she suddenly looks up, and says "I just had an epiphany. The kids have mostly turned out this way because of their own bad choices. I've done everything to equip them for success. Besides, nobody helped me out, and I turned out fine. This is really on them, don't you agree?"

Of coursse, I did not agree. DW has been such a lightweight with the skids that she was never able to impart any meaningful life lessons to them. They don't respect her, and consequently have never listened to her. More importantly, they have never been *required* to listen to DW. Sensing a trap, I said, "You are absolutely right, the kids have made some bad choices." I did not want to lie about my feelings, but did not want to get into it with DW about her lack of parenting. However, she pressed the issue, essentially demanding that I agree with her idea that she was a good parent, and that it was the skids' own bad choices that have led to their sorry state. I said "I know that you are very loving, and that the kids have made some bad choices." That wasn't enough, she still kept pressing, so I finally said "Well, DW, I think that you have been too easy on the skids, not having meaningful consequences for mistakes on their part."

After hearing this, she exploded, going off on me about "not having her back," and "not supporting her." I kept reiterating that I believed that the kids had made a lot of mistakes, but that wasn't good enough. She needed absolution. She needed to hear that it wasn't her fault. However, I was not going to lie about something this important. I just kept repeating that I felt that they kids did play a part in creating their problems, but I kept to myself my belief that DW was probably 80% at fault for the skids' issues. Eventually we went to bed mad, and she declined to bring it up the next day.

I thought about it a lot over the next couple of days, and I still believe that I did the right thing. DW is just looking for a white-wash to cover up years of lazy, perimissive "friend" parenting. Maybe my hoesty won't matter, but after all I've been through with her kids over the last 15 years, I'm not going to let her wave a wand and say that it wasn't her fault. She did, indeed, play a major role in the skids' problems, whether she admits it or not.