Need some advice
I have been married to my dh for 6 months. I love this man with all of my heart. He has 5 children from 2 previous marriages and I have 2 children from 1 previous marriage. We were together for about 2 1/2 years before we married. We also lived together prior to the marriage. We had a lot of dynamics prior to our marriage from his adult children. That has however seemed to have subsided for the time being. I don't know if I am letting things just get to me or if what I am going to say is a valid point and needs to be addressed with my dh or not. Let me first say that 3 of his bio kids are adults and don't attend much of our family outings. We are mostly with his 2 youngest kids. My dh has always told me we are one family and he loves my bd and bs like his own however when we do things with our 4 youngest kids together he will take pictures of just his bio children and not include my children in the photos. I take pictures of all of our children and include them in my facebook postings and treat them as much as possible as one family unit. This happens all the time and it is really starting to bother me and I don't know how to address it or if I even should. One example, we took my bd and sd to lunch and they served them rootbeers in these huge glasses and he decides he is going to take a pic. of his bd and tells my bd to move out of the pic. Then I kind of gave him a look and he then took a pic of my bd with her big glass too. Well we come home after lunch and his bs is acting silly and he takes a photo of him too. Which ok no problem. Then I see him uploading photos to his facebook and I went on to my facebook later and looked on his and what's posted the two pictures of his kids. My bd didn't make it to his facebook photos. I am hurt and I don't understand why we can't put all of the kids on our pages. I take pictures of all of the kids his and mine and put them all on my facebook and albums etc. I am very confused. I came from a blended family and my sd treated us all as his own including keeping pictures in his wallet etc. I also must say I didn't get along with my sd at all but he still tried to keep things fair between us kids. I don't know if I am expecting too much from my dh. I just know he tells me he loves my bio kids like his own but they can't make it to his facebook page. Not one picture. I am not looking for my kids to be all over it but if we are trying to blend the family make a little effort. I was always taught actions speak louder than words. I also have noticed when we go to events for his youngest kids extra-curricular activities he is snapping pictures and I am snapping pictures of the events they are in however my kids events not one picture taken by him on his camera. I mean I know that you love your bio's more because they are yours but then don't tell your spouse something different or the sk's either. I don't know if I should let this bother me or should I address how this makes me feel. So confused.
Maybe you should stop taking
Maybe you should stop taking pictures of his kids so much and see if he gets it then. I would say to be honest and calm and talk to him about this first though and see where it lands you. If you do it in a non confrontational way and just say that you're hurt because you've noticed that there's a diffinitive difference in how he captures memories and shares them with his own children and your children. Maybe say that you're thinking that he just didn't realize it and wasn't trying to be hurtful so how can we make this better? Good luck!
My DH actually checked the
My DH actually checked the pictures on our piano to see if I had pictures of his kids and gkids displayed. He actually counted them! But I can understand how you feel. I would have a little talk with him and be honest about how it makes you feel. To me, these little things add up.
There's something going on.
There's something going on. It could be that he's just that self centered, or he just wants to put his kids up on this pedestal that they so often end up on when parents divorce...who knows? Why not bring it up?
I honestly have not brought
I honestly have not brought this issue up with him because I don't want him to start taking pic's of my kids just because he feels he has to. I want it to be something he does because he wants to and because he truly accepts them as part of his family too. I just don't know how to not feel hurt by this without saying something.
EXACTLY!! He should be taking
EXACTLY!!
He should be taking pics of the kids because he wants to ~ NOT because you TELL him to.
My DH does this shit all the time and at first I was like "oh, I'm just being oversensitive".. nope. It's him that's insensitive and thoughtless. Trust me, if he's like this about pictures, then I'm sure he's like this in other areas - it all adds up.
You have every right to be hurt by this. You deserve someone that looks at this as a "family" and takes pictures of you as such. Only taking pictures of his kids and posting them sends the message that you guys aren't part of the family or permenant.
Damn - I'd have a fit if DH
Damn - I'd have a fit if DH wanted to display pictures of his kids in my house. Yuck.
But I do put up pictures of all my dead dogs.
Well, we spoke about it last
Well, we spoke about it last night. It didn't go well at all. I didn't bring it up however he said he knew I was upset with him and he told me why I was. Anyway, he said that he didn't do it intentionally. I pointed out that there are no pic's of my children on his page and asked if there is a reason. He said no. I told him it hurt me to see that he posted the two pic's of his kids from his phone to fb when my daughters was right there next to his daughters pic in his phone. I also told him I feel that if she was his daughter too he would have posted it also. He said he didn't know. That was a bs comment back to me. I also asked him why he even took the pic of my daughter when he took one of his at lunch and he said because he knows the girls are competitive with who gets what so he took one of my kid too so the girls wouldn't argue. So really he wouldn't have even took the pic of my daughter then. He told me he sees my kids more than his and he hates that he doesn't get to see his everyday. He told me he feels like I am watching his every move to do something wrong and be mad at him for it. He also was mad that I was distant since this happened and didn't talk about it with him. He is right about the distant comment. I have been distant. When I am hurt I stop talking initially so I can think before I speak. My thoughts though, if you knew this was why I was upset and distant then why didn't he bring it up. It got to be very heated and the arguement went all over the place. Basically we agreed to not talk anymore on the subject last night. What a Valentine's. Anyway really nothing was solved and now I feel worse. I don't know how the hell you are supposed to blend two families and make it work. I just wanted all the kids to feel as one family and send that message to them and in this area he doesn't. He does treat them all the same otherwise. I don't know if it is that he hates not seeing his youngest two everyday so he put the pic's on his fb page to look at them when he isn't with them or what.
In my experience, though, DH
In my experience, though, DH doesn't want to be told straight out what the problem is, either. Because all that happens then is that the problems are minimized ( you were just too sensitive!), I'm being unrealistic (I couldn't possibly do THAT!) or I get emotionally attacked (boo hoo, you hurt my feelings so much by thinking that!)
Yeah...not all guys who say they want problems out in the open actually do.
I would say for DH, the reason he wants the problems out in the open is because it gives him a chance to attack it, not fix it.
Thank you for the advice. I
Thank you for the advice. I really needed to gain some perspective on this. I think you are right. I am new to the step parenting thing and there has been a lot of past dynamics with his adult bio kids and I think I am harboring some of the past hurts. He truly does love all of us and I don't know what being part time parent really is. I have my bio's all of the time until recently my ex decided he is going to exercise his visitation again. I do know missing your bio's. They went to their bd's two weeks ago for the weekend and I missed them terribly. Their bd had not seen them in 9 mos. He decided after I filed for an increase in cs he better start seeing them because our cs is based on how many overnights he sees the kids. Another major nightmare in itself. Anyway, thanks again I truly appreciate your unbiased opinion.