Help-need someone to give me a neutral analysis of my upcoming marriage with kids
I met my fiancee last year. When we met, he was living in the city and I was living in the suburbs with my children from my first marriage. I have my kids half the time. Just before our engagement, we started to casually look at houses. We looked downtown and the suburb where I live. He pressed hard to buy a house in the suburb that he really liked. Yet, at the same time, he said that he would not sell the house he live in, even when we got married & bought an expensive house. His parents had paid for his house and he wanted to keep it during our marriage. He expressed feelings of wanting to have a "safe" place, not wanting to lose his inheritance money-that was represented by the house, etc. His house is too small for all of us, as is mine. He has one teenage child. I have three that are teen and pre-teen. When we me he made it clear that he wanted to have at least one more child. I have some medical issues that make it questionable if I can have another child. There is about a 60-70% chance it will be successful, but that is kind of a guess from the doctor.
Since we got engaged, we have fought almost constantly. He always told me he was a "committment phobe", but I thought he had committed to me when we agreed to get married. He also told me that
He has now admitted that his fights with me come from his anger issues. I always felt when we fought that he was out for blood. He admitted that he has never had a successful long term relationship (he is 12 years yonger and never married the mother of his child). He also said that he always drives people away from him in relationships with his anger. He said that he hopes that if we just get married, he will feel committed to me. I told him that really concerns me as my first marriage was 12 years and I learned about lack of committment with a cheating spouse. He just told me that he cannot promise to stay with me if we get married and can't have kids. He has also said that on the weekends I have my kids, he has no "obligation" to stay home and will be going out in the city with friends. I told him that I wished he wanted to spend time with me/kids to form a family. He said he is not a family person-he craves adventure and new things. What should I do?
This. OP, get thee to
This. OP, get thee to counseling STAT so you can figure out what your personal destructive patterns are, so you can get out of this relationship and not repeat it again.
MANY MANY red flags: He
MANY MANY red flags:
He always told me he was a "committment phobe"
He has now admitted that his fights with me come from his anger issues. I always felt when we fought that he was out for blood
He admitted that he has never had a successful long term relationship (he is 12 years yonger and never married the mother of his child).
He also said that he always drives people away from him in relationships with his anger. He said that he HOPES that if we just get married, he will feel committed to me
He just told me that he cannot promise to stay with me if we get married
He said he is not a family person-he craves adventure and new things
You just CAN'T make this stuff up!! Truth is STRANGER than fiction. What is that old adage that if someone tells you that he's an asshole, BELIEVE HIM!!??
He is throwing out all the "conditions" of this relationship. i.e. that it all WILL be a one way street. You will end up as maid, laundress and financial assistant to him and his kids but you are to have ZERO expectations from him as he'll do as he pleases.
Does that sound good to you? Does it sound like true love? If not, RUN FOR THE HILLS GIRLFRIEND!!
I know that there's always
I know that there's always more to it than what you can include in a post, so I'll pick out some of the things that stand out to me:
---> "He pressed hard to buy a house in the suburb that he really liked. Yet, at the same time, he said that he would not sell the house he live in, even when we got married & bought an expensive house. "
So, it's his way or the highway? Is this a financial investment for your family together to keep the house, or a "safe" place for him to go hide if he decides he's tired of the commitment he made? His home with his wife should be his safe place. This screams lack of commitment.
---> "He always told me he was a "committment phobe", but I thought he had committed to me when we agreed to get married."
These are words. He agreed to marry you. Look at his actions. Are they the actions of a husband to his wife?
---> "He has now admitted that his fights with me come from his anger issues. I always felt when we fought that he was out for blood. He admitted that he has never had a successful long term relationship (he is 12 years yonger and never married the mother of his child). He also said that he always drives people away from him in relationships with his anger."
He is warning you. He is telling you upfront all the reasons why you shouldn't marry him. If you marry this guy, and you still have a problem with these issues, he can then say "You knew about it before you married me, so why are you complaining now? You knew what you were getting into!" If he admits he has anger issues that cause problems for your relationship, is he seeking help for them? What are his excuses?
---> "He said that he hopes that if we just get married, he will feel committed to me."
If he doesn't feel committed now, he's not going to feel any different after you sign the marriage certificate.
---> "I told him that really concerns me as my first marriage was 12 years and I learned about lack of committment with a cheating spouse. He just told me that he cannot promise to stay with me if we get married and can't have kids."
He is warning you again. He's telling you that if you can't come up with the goods, he is going to cheat and leave. But, since he warned you, you can't be angry with him when he does. He's absolving himself so he doesn't have to take responsibility.
--->"He has also said that on the weekends I have my kids, he has no "obligation" to stay home and will be going out in the city with friends. I told him that I wished he wanted to spend time with me/kids to form a family."
Here he's showing you exactly who the most important person is in his life: himself. He's telling you that you and your kids will always come second to his pleasure.
---> "He said he is not a family person-he craves adventure and new things."
Why would you want to start a family with someone who doesn't want to be part of one? "Adventure and new things" sounds like man code for fast cars and loose women.
I don't want to sound harsh, but you just listed a lot of dealbreakers. Look at the actions, the facts. He is giving himself permission ahead of time to run from his marriage to you. Hell, he's even keeping an extra house so he has somewhere to run to. He is PLANNING on it not working out. That is not commitment.
If you stay with this guy, you're setting yourself up for the same cheating and lack of commitment you had before. Lucky for you, at least this guy is being honest with you about it.
Best of luck to you. Sounds like it's time for you to run, run, run.
Thank you for the input. I
Thank you for the input. I really appreciate it.
Now I have to be upfront. When I saw this site, I saw lots of women defending each other (rightly and wrongly in my opinion sometimes). I ws afraid that posting as the male may affect the feedback. So, I posted my story as a woman.
The truth is that I am a 44 year old guy and my fiance is almost 32. She lives in the city, I live in the suburbs. Everything else that I posted is true.
I am the family guy. I have the kids. I love my life with them and thought she would too. Since we have gotten engaged, she has not seen my kids for a month-bascially 2/3 of our engagement. She is running away. I wanted this so bad (and maybe that is why I have been blinded. She has been ratcheting up the fights over the last three weeks, almost like she is trying to get me to pull the trigger.
And I am really scared that I am going to end up proving to my kids that marriage doesn't work if I marry her and we get divorced, which seems likely given what she has said. And I cannot have my kids see another marriage fail-especially given these circumstances.
So, I am sorry if any of you are mad, but I was not wasting your time. I am confused and sad and every person I know has a stake in this relationship. So, I needed someone who is truly neutral to tell me the truth. Again, I appreciate your feedback and I wish you love and happiness in your relationships.
her
her
You got your answer
You got your answer regardless. We say move on. Right is right regardless of your gender. And yes, she is trying to get you to pull the trigger. She's probably also trying to piss you off bad enough to respond in anger. Then she can say it's all your fault. We women like doing that sometimes. You see, the women on this site understand the differences between women and men. There are many. We embrace them and act accordingly.
I"d say you need to focus on
I"d say you need to focus on raising your children and not dating. This is a golden uteri's world. Not a biodad's world so his behaviour around his children is often (unfortunately) molded by what the BM does and think.
And 2nd wife, particularly if she has no children of her own is in at a complete disadvantage because of the nouveau family hierarchy that occurs when the BM is still alive and kicking yet doesn't live under the same roof as biodad (shameless self promotion alert: read my book "The Guilty Parent Trap" WITH an open mind of course)
I can understand why you
I can understand why you might have thought to post as a female, and thanks for letting us all know. You'll find that, as a group, the StepTalk crew is pretty good about not discriminating against the fellas. Some of the most valuable and considered advice I've read on here is from men, and I bet a lot of the other gals here would agree!
Regardless of gender, I still stand by what I said. If she does not what what you want, a marriage will not work. Find someone who is willing to share your goals for your family together, and don't settle for less.
I should add something about this:
---> "I am confused and sad and every person I know has a stake in this relationship."
I'm sorry - I know this is rough. Step back for a moment, though. You need to put yourself and your kids first right now - don't worry about anyone else this is going to affect. Just remember to look at the actions, not the words. Actions speak the truth every time.
She was kind enough to give
She was kind enough to give you a laundry list of reasons not to marry her.
Walk away
Ehh... a couple of things. 1.
Ehh... a couple of things.
1. I see no problem with her wanting to keep her own home, as long as she contributes to the new one she wanted to be in (if this isn't set to be YOUR home.) I say this as a woman who was gifted a house by my parents as well as several pieces of out of country property, loaned my FDH money so he can purchase the house of his dreams, but getting the full amount of my loan back. FDH has a piece of property from his father as well, and NEITHER of us would DREAM of asking the other to sell/give them up. This way, even if we were to divorce, BOTH of us would have a home to go to. For myself, I don't condone fully the "what is mine is yours, what is yours is mine," especially not when your spouse already have kids. If it was ultimately for the good of the family, it would be the last resort, not as a convenience issue.
2. If you can't have kids, and that's a deal breaker for her, that is her RIGHT. No different from people who say they don't want to be with someone who has kids. Everyone has a cut-off point, kids is her's.
3. Both me and my FDH had commitment issues, but the fact that we are willing to speak about it and do things about it has made it way better. It is up to the partner with the commitment issues to try to resolve the root of their problem, and up to the one without to support and help them through that.
4. Just because you become a part of the family does not mean your social life and your weekends come to a halt. If she doesn't want to be around when your kids are around, then that is her choice, IMO. Your kids are there to see you, not her. If she does, then great. But she is laying out the boundaries that say, albeit not well: I am your partner, not your babysitter or your children's mother.
Anyway, just some things to think about. Personally, to me, she actually sounds like she knows what she's doing, and knows what she wants and where is is at life. She honestly knows her boundaries and her dreams. Unfortunately, if it doesn't include you, then so be it, then it is your choice to stay or not.
Male, female, it's all the same to me. This is the principle me and my FDH currently live by, and we are doing very well: Everything you do for someone else who is not your child that is more than life and death is a favor, and should never be taken for granted. Our only responsibility is to remember to show appreciation for the things the other person is going. So in our house you hear a lot of: Thank you baby, that's awesome. You didn't have to do that but I really appreciate it. I'll definitely make it up to you because you've done so much already, etc.
Sorry, my POV might be a little skewed because I had said much of the same things when me and my FDH were dating. I meant them, and he respected them as my boundaries, and that is why I feel safe enough to stay with him. He didn't like that I had cutoff points, but he knew if he wanted to keep me, that was what it took. Likewise, I know his cutoff points and respect them as well.
Now, onto marriage and the issue of commitment. I think it is imperative to realize that marriage is not the end all. It does not mean that you won't crush or fall in love with other people over the course of your lifetime, you WILL. You WILL fall in and out of love with each other over the course of your marriage--love is not a stagnant thing. Me and FDH BOTH are very clear on that. However, it is how we deal with those feelings that will define us as a couple. As such, we have promised each other not that we will always love each other, but that we will ALWAYS BE HONEST. If one day I fell in love with someone, I would tell him, he will understand and be supportive, and we will decide together what to do next. This applies to him as well. If it happens to be because there is something fundamentally wrong with our relationship and that is why our hearts wandered, we will try to fix it. If it's unfixable, or if it was simply because we didn't love each other anymore, we will let each other go.
Ehh, sorry I rambled. It's good to hash things out before you dive in, otherwise it'll be like buying apples and coming home with oranges.
He's being perfectly
He's being perfectly clear...not sure what you want from us here...If you don't like it, you need to let him go. Simple.
Dump her. Your kids deserve
Dump her. Your kids deserve better and you, at 44, should know that by now. You can find someone who is deserving & won't treat you like shit. Get rid of her ASAP.