Wow, that's tough. I have no idea. Would you WANT to continue raising him? You should discuss this with your DH.

If you don't mind my asking, where is his mother or his family on his mother's side? Also, why won't DH's family help out?

Bm has no choice in the matter. The parental contract is between bm and dh. If she wanted to reject her kid she would need to go to court and give up all rights... Or if she flat refuses to take him in, likely cps will file abandonment charges. Blood family would have first option to adopt, if no blood family, the child will end up in foster care.

If bm has not signed her rights over to you, you will not be stuck with a child you do not want.

In my case I fear dh passing, and me losing my sd. I am primary care giver, and have been almost a sole parent to her for 2 year's. Dh does not interact or provide care, and bm is a witch who dropped her kid on my doorstep without looking back. She visits, but has made it clear that she wants nothing to do with being a full time mom. Her parties are far more important.
All the responsibility and no rights. Blah!

Unfortunately you have no rights in this situation. Even if you had wanted to, you would have to get bm to sign her rights over. Even if she is scum, custody would revert to bm by law until cps found her unfit.

Your dh needs to remember that if he passes, you have no rights to medical, school, etc for this child. If bm wanted to raise a hissy fit she could go as far as to say you restricted her rights.

Either way, until someone else would legally adopt this child, maternal rights signed off, bm has no choice, and sadly nor do you and your dh. although, since you would rather not be a single mother to a child that is not yours this will work in your favor.

Having been widowed, I can tell you the worst comes out in people at that time. You need to protect yourself. I knew a widow who was the 2nd wife and the husband died right after they were married, they were living in his home. His ex was able to take the home because everything was left to the kids. All she got was the 401K which automatically goes to the spouse. The insurance was all left for the kids and the house...The mother was trustee...

You need to protect yourself. A BM not involved may suddenly become involved if she thinks their is a pay out.

Oh my goodness ... I never would think of that ..... the SKs would go to their mother in my case, but the house and land is in his name - we both pay the bills and it isn't an issue, but I would be left with no place to live if that happened. The house isn't paid for, and I have life insurance on him so I guess I wouldn't be left completely SOL but that would be horrible to have to leave the home that we are re-doing and I am putting a *lot* of effort into adding on, and doing a lot of landscaping. He had the house before we got together, but uhh - that would really be lame if I am paying on this house for years then get told to GTFO. We may need to talk about this, I really never thought about it. Man, the things you find out to talk about after you get married. I know the girls BM would take anything she could from me just because she's the most evil person I've ever met. Per their divorce papers, they both have to have a $100k life insurance policy for the girls, I know he has one but I doubt she does. We definitely don't want her crap though, but wow - this is a good topic to bring up.

And as for the OPs question, do yall have a good relationship? If you have a good relationship - I would make sure you have something set up before something happens to make you guardian and have a large life insurance policy to ensure that you financially could provide for him without having to go above and beyond and stretch yourself more than you would be. If something was to happen to your DH, and the child has no other family - he would need you at that time more than anything.

DW and I have discussed this before and I have already promised her that if something happened, I will make sure that the skids are taken care of. If that means that I have to go to court for guardianship, then court I come! If that doesn't work, the skids already know that I am here for them no matter what. My SS11 might not understand as well as my SD13 does, but I will always be here for them.

---edit

As far as any trusts that the kids have and inheritance, property or whatever my wife has... I am beneficiary. This is something that her ex-husband would always bring up... like, "You can afford it, you have inheritance...you have money...blah blah blah..." But what he doesn't realize is that a lot of money has been buried into a trust for the skids that he has no legal right too!

I've thought about this so often.

BM and DH have 50/50, however, BM is very narcistic. She actually "sees" SD11 for about 15% or her "waking hours" The rest of the time, she's with DH, at school or asleep.

BM has never been (or felt) "financially" responsible for SD11. DH pays child support. (very shitty situation). Currently SD11 doesn't even want to see BM and throws a fit everytime she has to be with her.

So, what would happen if DH died. Initially, SD would live full time with her mother. Legally, that is what would happen. There is $$ that DH has in live insurance that is for SD11, I am the trustee.

Okay...so I would be the trustee of any $$ in DH's estate directed to SD.

However, is the Estate required to continue to pay child support? Would/could BM make a claim for Child Support on the Estate? I don't know, because guaranteed, BM, who doesn't work and is a deadbeat loser, would want $$.

I think what would happen is BM would want me to continue to raise SD11 50/50 with her and pay her CS. Or find a way to get $$ from the estate. BM isn't "equiped" to handle SD11 full time.

Now, if the question is.."do I want to play an active 'parenting' role in SD11's life". I think..I KNOW that I would be good for SD11. Do I WANT it...on my only VERY BEST DAYS, yes. On my average days. No. On my worst days...HELL NO.

I just think, why would I want to invest time and money (money that I've worked very very hard for (I make most of the $$ in our family) to raise a child that I didn't give birth to...that I currently have very little say in how she's raised now). Coupled with the fact that even though I wanted my own children, after we were married, DH changed his mind. (we broke up over it..and got back together...i'm too old now, but that's another Oprah show).

I don't know. I'm soooo very conflicted. SD11 is really the only "child" I'll ever have. Maybe my relationship with her would be stronger without DH, because guaranteed BM can't or won't parent her appropriately. Then again, maybe BM will finally step up to the plate because she would HAVE to without DH to take the brunt of the parenting.

Anyone know if a BM would still have a claim on the Estate for CS? (Note, there is no provision in the Divorce Judgment or Separation Agreement which states that DH is to have a life insurance policy in BM's name in order to cover off CS in the event he dies).