My wife (BioMom) will not include me in decisions about stepchildren's schedule and activities.
First time poster here. My wife (BioMom) will not include me in decisions about stepchildren's schedule and activities. My wife and her 3 children live with me in my home. My wife (along with biodad who lives nearby) schedule all activities with 3 children. The children live with my wife and I 6 days per week and with biodad 1 day per week.
I have asked repeatedly to be included when decisions are made that schedule the children's activities over long periods, such as multi-week sports leagues and other activities that schedule the children away during the 6 days they are with my wife and me. I have no children of my own, and I really enjoy spending time with them! Here's what is happening:
1) My wife (with biodad) constantly schedule the children in activities that eliminate their time that could include me at our home. The "real parents" schedule sports leagues, weekend activities, overnight activities, and more so that I am losing more and more time with them every week.
2) My wife insists that "the children need activities" and that since I might on occasion prefer to simply have a family night at home, or some other informal activity at times when I can participate, that I will "always say no" therefore I will not be included in scheduling of the children's activities. I recently got my wife to use a Google calendar so at least I can "get the memo" but I have to constantly scan it as new events, even significant events, simply appear without warning or discussion.
3) My wife has said that the only way I can earn any input on scheduling the children's activities is to propose an "event" that can "compete with" other activities she might schedule. Just having dinner at home, or watching a movie, etc isn't enough.
4) This isn't just with the biodad involved. My wife scheduled a multi-day trip out of state, her and the children, without me, and it just appeared on her Google calendar. This is scheduled the weekend before my birthday and that really hurt. Frankly, it led me to look for someone to talk to, and that's how I found this group.
I feel like I am just someone who's good enough to be with my wife's kids when she's at work. I feel like I'll see the children at breakfast a few days a week. The more I express my frustration and upsetness about this, the more my wife schedules them away.
I appreciate any advice or feedback from anyone. Thank you for your time.
Are you serious? She's in
Are you serious? She's in your house and disrespecting you like this. There's more to this story...you can tell us...come on.
How old are the
How old are the children?
Sounds to me that the bio parents are in a parenting competition with each other, maybe? And your DW expects you to play the competition game too...? It's hard to tell from the little information we have.
Your DW DEFINITELY needs to realize that if it affects your household, it affects YOU TOO and you need to be consulted.
Can you try counseling?
The children are boy 12, girl
The children are boy 12, girl 12 (they are twins) and boy, 14 with Asperger's Syndrome.
Since this is something that
Since this is something that she and biodad are doing together, you think there's a little problem there? Huh? Just sayin'?
Biodad is probably calling all the shots from behind the scenes.
Sounds like it is a family
Sounds like it is a family trip...Smells a little fishy.
^^^^ this^^^^ She is rude and
^^^^ this^^^^
She is rude and using you. Maybe you can volunteer for the Big Brothers Big Sisters program? Ot the Boys and Girls Club of America?
When your wife sees you spending time with another woman's child/ren she may rethink her attitude. It will also get you out of the house.
They are their kids so they
They are their kids so they can schedule them however they want. Do not help with driving or inconvenience yourself in anyway. Do not pay for anything. This is on them to schedule them so much.
My DH has opinions about BS being overscheduled, but it is not his kid, it is mine. His are in one activity, mine is in several. To each his own. Honestly, she doesn't need to disrespect you so much, but this is her kid, not yours....
First off, thanks. I really
First off, thanks. I really have no one else to talk to about how I feel. I work 60 hours most weeks, which makes the time I am (supposed) to have with us as a family more limited... and each scheduled event away more upsetting.
I am part of some of the activities, such as a family dinner and movie night, or a weekend trip (again, those can "compete" with activities like sleepovers, etc). But the growing number of activities are things where my work schedule doesn't allow me to be present (like league sports which my wife's schedule allows her to be part of) or they are events with the biodad and his family (which of course I wouldn't be part of, and my wife isn't either).
The out of state trip that just appeared on the calendar has really shook me up. And the comments about how biodad may be deciding these things (or even going on the trip) is even more unsettling.
We have been to 1 family therapist, but we stopped going after 2 visits (to be fair, by mutual agreement). We are seeing a different therapist now, and I am thinking of printing and sharing these comments. My wife simply doesn't believe I should have any problem whatsoever with the way things are. She has repeatedly said that if I would "talk to other stepparents" that I would see that my role is completely normal.
This is the first time I have tried to do that, and thank heavens it appears I am not the only person who feels the way I feel. I've spent a lot of time trying to "accept" the way things are, but feeling so frustrated and upset inside regardless. Thank you so much.
It's not that anyone wants to
It's not that anyone wants to plant ideas in your head that are unfounded ideas. It's just that, as mostly women here, we are asking ourselves, "If I were to do this, what would be the reason." The only reason is to separate you intentionally. Why? Punishment, control, or maybe her ex has a grip on her that you don't understand and he's 'forbidding' her to allow your involvement in their lives. He may even be threatening her with something? Who knows. But, as females, it would not be like most of us here to want to intentionally exclude a very interested and involved, caring man from the lives of our kids. Just wouldn't happen. You have alot to offer someone who can appreciate it.
"you're role is completely
"you're role is completely normal"???? :?
Its normal for you to be ok with her being non inclusive and act like you are not part of a family that you want to be part of? Don't get me wrong, she can't schedule her children's activities around your work, I get that. However, she's going out of town and didn't even bother to include you? She should feel so fortunate that you want anything to do with her kids and want to try to be a family. That you even want to be involved and support her children at their games. My SO started doing this stuff to me and I finally just gave up. I have little now to do with my skids because I was so often excluded. Now he is always asking me to go to things and I just find a reason not to. You can only put up with so many years of feeling like you don't matter before it has a consequence. I'm glad you are seeing a therapist. I hope that the therapist really helps you both.
On another note, it wasn't that I was just excluded, but also that anything I had to say about parenting in our own home (and yes I own my home too) and his daughter was being disrespectful towards me and he would do nothing about it.
I really do feel for you. I have been there. I can tell you that even today, SO scheduled an event for the three of them to go to. He didn't include me but then after the fact said "If you want to go I could get us all 4 tickets, but it will raise the price of everyone's ticket and cost a lot more". I just said, no I will make other plans that weekend.
This summer, I'm going on vacation sans skids. It can't just be one person who wants to make a family unit.
A couple of thoughts here: 1.
A couple of thoughts here:
1. It sounds like you actually care about these kids, and want to spend time with them. This would put you in the minority on this board. Almost everyone here - myself included - would LOVE for the skids to be gone all the time at activities. However, if you genuinely want to spend time with them, then that sucks. I bet if things continue as they are at the moment, you'll soon find yourself relishing those times away from your skids, because you will start to resent them, and probably your DW as well.
2. Your wife is a real b*tch. Even my own wife, a card-carrying "friend" parent, would never do anything like that with respect to her kids. She has cussed me, chewed me out, threatend to leave on a few occassions, but has never made a concerted effort to carve out huge chunks of the schedule for her kids that exclude me. I think your wife is using you as a babysitter and meal ticket. Her behavior is unconscionably rude.
Not many dudes on here. You might check out some of my other posts, or Draco or even Rags. Step-fathers are a thinly represented group, so feel free to PM if you want to discuss things personally.
Well said. Men are the
Well said. Men are the minority here. But, don't forget, we can offer a perspective on the female mind. Utah's right, sounds like you're being utilized as a meal ticket and a convenience.
RUN! She's a guilty/disney
RUN! She's a guilty/disney parent!!!
Not talking to about her
Not talking to about her plans for the kids is disrespectful. However, unless you are paying for and/or driving the kids to\from the activities, I don't think you get to say no to the activities.
Going on vacation alone with the is fine. Not letting you know about the trip was rude.
Wow, what a terrible
Wow, what a terrible situation. I adore my sd. If my dh planned a vacation with her, and did not discuss it with me prior, he would come home to an empty house.
First off, you come across as wanting to be a part of these skids lives. You are not trying to escape them. She is doing you no favors by "giving you a break" Second, if my dh was going on a trip, I would be suspicious as to why I wasn't on the invite list. After all, this is your WIFE. kids aside, she should want to so things with YOU.
Honestly, if I were in this situation I would be worried about the state of my marriage. Mine is far from perfect, but if my dh tried pulling any of these shenanigans I would be worried he was thinking of pulling out of our vows.
It comes across like you are just there to stamp her meal ticket.
I think most of us would be over the moon if we had dh who worked their butts off and still had family values!
I wish you well!
To be fair, my wife pays a
To be fair, my wife pays a mutually agreed-upon amount each month toward our household. I consider it a fair amount, though it is not quite 50% of all costs each month. The deed to the house is in my name alone, again by mutual agreement.
I do feel invisible in my own home.
I want to say that the children are great kids. That's why I love spending time with all 5 of us. And at their ages, they won't be "children" much longer (again, my wife agrees). Which is why I feel that every scheduled event away from my ability to participate means a lot to me. And, the "unscheduling" of the kids from me will only make the inevitable process of "teenagerdom" and separation more rapid.
How's her relationship with
How's her relationship with them, and their relationship with the father? Is there a chance that there's a bit of jealousy over your interest and ability to connect that they may be lacking?
This! That's what has me
This!
That's what has me concerned for the poster. It seems he is more of a roommate, or an inanimate object in this woman's life.
I'm glad to hear she contributes to the household, makes me less suspicious of her intentions on that front.
I guess I'm still left with the impression she is trying to cut him out of the family. What she is doing is not how you act in a healthy marriage. Or to any person you love for that matter.
My dh has expressed interest in getting his bd in activities, but it always falls into a what do you think context. The activities she does when she is with us is his choice, but I get a say. What sd does with bm is bm's choice. We wouldn't think to overlap.
Has your wife shown any other area of pulling away from you?
If I were you I'd print this
If I were you I'd print this out and put it on her google calendar. Maybe all of us will open her eyes. If you aren't good enough to be included in their activities then what are you good enough for? This is so sad. I am so sorry. I have been excluded as well. The entire summer I spend excluded. I put my foot down. By December of last year he either figured out how to include us all or I was stepping out of the unit. you can't change people but you can give them choices. And if you aren't a choice then you deserve better.
I hope you are not paying for
I hope you are not paying for any of these activities.
Time for you to rethink your long term plans here. Sounds like DW and BD need to get back together if they are so in tuned to scheduling their kids.
Personally, I think more than 1 stepkid is too many. If they were so destined to divorce...why keep having kids?
Sounds like someone is using you...run, run, run...find a nice wife with no kids either and make a nice family YOU can raise!
I have been a stepmom for 16 years...I highly advise it!
Here is, word for word, the
Here is, word for word, the way my wife operates in scheduling activities with the children without discussion or shared decisionmaking.
>>> Monday, March 12, 2012 6:20 PM
>>> "FYI: I have requested off April 27 – 29 in order to go visit my brother in DC. I don’t know how you feel >>> about that, but I just wanted to be as up front and straight forward as possible. I want to go down with the >>> kids and have a nice, low-stress, weekend. I hope you understand and can be okay with that."
To be fair, she did email me yesterday to tell me about the trip, which I saw today on her Google Calendar, but this "FYI" was buried in a list of about 15 things and I didn't notice it. She never once mentioned this trip with the kids to me in person, by phone, etc.
Notice that the 3 day trip (on the weekend before my birthday in the middle of the week) was scheduled with her workplace before she emailed me She discussed it with her brother before she emailed me. The whole trip is a done deal before she knew (and regardless of) "how I feel about that". She hopes I understand and can be okay with that, but if I'm not? Oh, well.
Bear in mind, this is after repeated visits to a marital counselor where my 1 and only issue, each time, is having activities like this happen AFTER they are discussed with me (like a husband or a parent might expect). I feel this actually happened BECAUSE OF my focus on these issues, with her and with the therapist. It makes be very unwilling to discuss the issue again because more "unscheduling" of the kids will happen from my time, as a kind of retaliation (conscious or unconscious).
it's a month out, but still
it's a month out, but still that is weird to me. i would never EVER schedule a vacation without talking to DH about the idea before i started making plans. she doesn't even invite you and the "low-stress" weekend makes me wonder if your presence stresses her out.
no...not something that would happen in my house. dh would tell me about the trip before plans were made and WANT me there, if for some reason i couldn't go he'd feel VERY badly about it and if it hurt me to not be included he would cancel his plans.
So basically she has called
So basically she has called you stressful (hope you understand I just need a low stress weekend, with the kids and without you) and started it with an "FYI"??
Start pulling away. She's taking you for granted. She feels like she can walk on you and do whatever she wants. She's being rude.
That is exactly how I read
That is exactly how I read that!!
I involve my partner as much
I involve my partner as much as possible with these sorts of things. I admit, as i had always been a single parent I was a little unsure of how to do shared parenting!! (we have no contact with my daugters biodad because he became violent). My SO said he would like to be involved and included so now he is. I now rely on him for his opinion on matters to do with my daughter as much as I would if he were her own father.
However, it sounds like your wife doesnt have an issue with shared parenting, she just cant seem to include you in that scenario! I really cant deal with parents who sign their kids up for umpteen activities. Let the kids chill out and be kids for goodness sake! My daughter does swimming lessons (which both myself and my partner take her to together) and one after school club a week. That is enough. The rest of the time is not planned in advance, not scheduled/regemented "fun" . That is unless we decide to take a trip with the 2 SKIDs in tow too... that tends to have a fair amount of planning attached.
I think it sounds like your wife may have a few control issues, coupled with something not quite on a level with Biodad ...could just be competing with each other to give the kids such a fantastic life that they forgot to actually have a life... Or something more suspicious as other posts have mentioned. Needs more investigating. But I dont think its a bad idea to show this post to her and the comments on it at your therapy session. She might actually have half an idea of how you are actually feeling about this situation then, and be forced to face it too.
So at the root you are her F-buddy and supplemental income.
Hmmmmm? Not a pretty picture at all is it?
While I certainly get the advantages of having an F-buddy set up... that is not much of a foundation for an equity life partnership. Time to sit down and give your life clarity on what being an equity life partner means. A key element of being equity life partners is that you are both equity parents to any children in your marital home regardless of kid biology.
You also need an introduction to the Step Parent Bill of Rights (SPBOR) and to use it as the foundation of getting your bride under control.
And here is the SPBOR for your edification.
Step-parent Bill of Rights
1-I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.
2-People outside the immediate family - including ex-wives or husbands, in-laws and adult children - cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.
3-I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.
4-I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.
5-I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.
6-I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.
7-Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.
8-I will never be treated as an "outsider" in my own home.
9-My husband or wife and stepchildren must treat me with respect.
10-Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.