yup, my ss18. he blames everything on parent's divorce and even cries like a 2 year old when caught doing something he shouldn't. He hoarded food, stole lied and then cried to throw a smoke screen up. We finally kicked him out. Yesterday I raked and shoveled the garage clean of his crap. My SO knows that he will not come back into the fold b/c then me and my boys will leave the fold. But I really think by reading this forum for so long that girls can be much more in your face then boys, so I feel for you.

My SS24 is the exact same way as your SD. His mom didn't die though, she just divorced my DH. Now he likes to play the "poor child of divorce" card. It's like, OMG! Your parents have been divorced for 20 freaking years! GET OVER IT.

My DH's first wife died, so I completely understand. His kids will never accept that he's moved on and replaced their mother. My SD sounds alot like yours. She moved out right after she graduated college and has not been back since. She will not speak to me and pretends that I don't exist. My Dh was estranged from his kids for about 5 years and then went into full guilt mode. Since he's the only living parent, that means he has to put up with their crap. He leads a completely separate life with his kids who live on the opposite coast. He's semi-retired and goes out to visit them for weeks at a time. It doesn't matter how I feel. His kids have lost their mother so that will always excuse their behavior.

I married DH with 3-skids (2-SD, 1SS), I have 1-BD. DH divorced his ex and ex died before we met/married (when skids were teens). He had full custody of kids since they were toddlers. But he still had the guilty-parenting style. Middle-SD and I never got along. She left the house right after high school and lived with friends (because she and I couldn't get along and she couldn't figure out that I was the adult and it was my rules - not hers in the house). It was horrible for many years. The house was much calmer once she was gone. She has many emotional issues and manipulative also. Middle child syndrome too boot! Always seeking attention. Now that they are all out of the house, it is heaven. When they visit - I am courteous, but show no false-affection, as there has never been any to begin with.

Remember, it is your house, your rules, your marriage. Review the list of house rules with your spouse and agree to them. Tell DH that you need to have these boundaries so you can all live in peace. Then tell SD what is expected of her if she lives in your house. If you cook a meal - she can do the dishes. She can vacuum, and clean a bathroom. Think of her as a roommate. If she doesn't like it, tell her, 'well maybe you have other housing options, since you don't like this one.'

Good Luck. Soon she will move and not come back.