Things aren't bad...except...
I've been a stepdad now for almost 2 years. We got married late last year that made it all official, but I considered myself a step-dad when I started the relationship.
I've grown closer to the kids (that are still at home) and they have started to accept me (finally). SS(16) is out of the house due to drug issues and disrespect. SS(12) is living with BF in another city for a year or more. He had issues with all the kids in the house and too much stimulation. BF and his wife don't have any kids and from what I hear she's not too happy with having this one there. SD(6) has warmed up to me greatly over the last 6 months now. She has finally accepted me as a "daddy" figure to her but she's still BD's little girl. Then we have the twin SS(5). They are lagging in many skills one of which is speech.
So, for the younger ones, that's what I'll be posting about as we don't see the other ones too often or have to deal with the ex's in that case. But the little ones are with us during the week and with BD on the weekends (gives us a chance to have a life which is nice). BD also comes over once a week after supper to spend some time before bed (allows us to go out for running errands or such). It was agreed upon this way so that his support payment would be lower. He doesn't have a great job and can just get by with support, rent and food (plus the fact he smokes like a chimney...). Anyway, when he is over during the week, for "snack time" ... (we generally allow an apple or granola bar...something generally healthy) ... he offers them some of the halloween candy that was leftover. He grabs the bag of candy that we hide in our bedroom and lets them have some. Guess who the "good guy" is to the kids? We tell them only healthy stuff but he lets loose. Makes us look like the "bad guys" all the time. Plus, on weekends he will take them to McD's or something like that (or feed them peanut butter sandwiches for many meals...maybe a chicken noodle soup in there).
The thing that gets me is one of the twins. Whenever BF drops the kids off on Sundays, the SS starts bawling his eyes out, screaming and yelling that "daddy stay here" repeatedly. Then he's a terror the rest of the night. Even today, before going to school, he started pitching a fit because daddy wasn't there. We're trying to curb that behaviour and tell him that they go to Daddy on the weekends but it doesn't help, they get more upset.
Other than that, things are pretty good and I'm pretty good with the kids. I do my best being I have no bio kids of my own. Taking on 5 stepkids is apparently "weird" to many people...lol
First thing, is why is the ex
First thing, is why is the ex in your house at all. No way! He can take them to his house, you should not have visitation there. You need boundaries.
The reason for this is that
The reason for this is that he does not have a vehicle of his own so he can't load them up on the bus for a 2 hour visit. The other reason is for the kids to feel comfortable. It is their house (where they have been since they were born) and it is important that they feel comfortable. I'm just not comfortable with him going in our bedroom (and have expressed that).
This is a BIG mistake.
This is a BIG mistake.
Definitely lock your
Definitely lock your bedroom....and anything else you don't want him in. I'd install security cameras if my wife's ex had to come over here....I wouldn't even want to leave, I'd just sit in the bedroom myself I think. I do believe that's part of the little one's problems with his fits - BD comes over instead of him separating your house from BD. Of course, when the BD doesn't do anything to better himself and you guys feel guilty because the kids suffer if he doesn't come around of course you accommodate and deal with the fall out.
My stepkids go to BD's every other weekend now, he too complains he can barely scrape by (but seems to go out to eat with his gf a lot....), when we catered to him not having a vehicle by driving kids to him multiple times (an hour and a half) when he had no place of his own, the kids were way worse with us when they got back - they were on an every weekend schedule then. Every week was a MESS!! Sun & Mon were HORRIBLE with them, Tuesday and Wednesday were 'ok' and then thurs and fri were terrible again. By Fri we were SO ready to drop them off just to catch our breath. He started using his gf's (his first gf....) car and things were 'ok' until he got his own place and started picking them up and all. They're very standoffish with us when they come back from his place even though it's only 48 hours. I can't for the life of me figure why 48 hours away completely changes them. They get quite out of hand the few days before going down to see him.
Best thoughts - your wife should think about pushing BD to do something else. I'd have the paperwork changed to state that he doesn't have to pay any extra child support and take away the evening visit unless he finds somewhere else to go with them just because I think his coming into the house stirs up too much with the kids.