step mother needs advice
I need the advice of those who understand these situations as well as I do.
My SD came into my life when she was 6 years old which was 21 years ago. I have loved her and treated her as if she was my own daughter, helped her when she needed it and have been kind to her consistently up to the current day. All while she was growing up we were close and loving although her mother told me that secretly my stepdaughter did not like me. My SD did not live with my husband and I; she lived with her mother. My husband’s ex-wife was a very hard person to get along with. I did my best to keep peace because I knew my SD would be hurt if I fought with her mother. At every turn throughout my SD young and current life, her mother has said negative things about my husband and I and did her best to be unpleasant.
Unfortunately my SD has taken on the narcissistic attributes of her mother. She has told some of my relatives and friends that her father and I did nothing for her and were terrible to her since she was a child. Everyone who knows us knows that this is not true because we are kind to everyone we meet. When she had her 1st child 3 years ago she wanted us to baby sit almost every weekend. The first year of his life, her mother barely spent time with her grandchild. We were in heaven spending so much time with our first grandchild and have grown very close to him over the last three years. She had a 2nd child about a year ago. A little while ago SD married the father of her children. SD has not worked for two years and her husband only works on and off. They all now live with SD’s mother because they are broke. SD is talking about having another child.
While they have lived with her mother her treatment of both of us has become more and more disrespectful and out and out mean.
The latest thing she has done is this. Since her young child reached about 8 months she told us that must have both children at the same time and we cannot have either of them one at a time. We had not yet taken the little one overnight or at our house because he was so young. The normal activity was to take the three year old on some Friday nights and then give him to the father’s mother on Saturday afternoon and she would take him till Sunday. My husband works a full time job and a part time job every weekend. I had the 3 year old even when he worked and I love the 3 year old very much. Since we are both getting older and I work 50 hours a week plus my hubby works 55-70 hours a week, we explained that having two children so young is very hard on us and we need to get some sleep on the weekends. We are happy to take them one at a time but not together.
This has caused a problem. My husband does not like to be bullied with being told that if we don’t do what they want we can’t have the children. It has caused a fight but he just is too tired to take two children on the weekend with me. I both don’t like being bullied either and don’t like to be treated as disrespectfully as I am. I miss the children, especially the 3 year old, and cry daily over the loss of my SD.
Stepparents, what would you do?
you have given her a choice
you have given her a choice and she has given one back.
if it really is too difficult for you to take on the two at once and she will not allow it any other way then you just don't have the children overnight.
i would say set your rules and stick to them. if she's a manipulator she will manipulate you forever. but this might be at the expense of your relationship with your grandchildren.
i'm so sorry you have to make this choice.
(((hugs)))
I guess I wasn't clear. She
I guess I wasn't clear. She is saying unless we take both of the children we can't see either of them. It's not a matter of only overnight.
that's just really hard and
that's just really hard and i'm sorry. it's a really crappy thing for her to do. but she's using the kids to manipulate you. this is a choice you will have to make.
i bet if you say no that won't work for us in a non-bridge breaking way then she will come around eventually. but there are no guarantees she may just write you both off.
i have no idea what i would do.
Yes this is what we believe
Yes this is what we believe too. Either she will cut us out or she will learn she cannot tell others what to do. But we continue to keep the door open to her. She does not have any very close long term relationships and falls out of friendships often. Thank you for your words. It is a very hard situation and we don't know what else to do other than what we are doing now.
my thoughts and prayers are
my thoughts and prayers are with you. i hope the best for you!
Thank you Asheeha...we will
Thank you Asheeha...we will make it through...we always do!
unfortunately, i think
unfortunately, i think stepaside is correct. it happens all the time and it's sad. you are being blackmailed. hold your ground or it will get worse. she should be ashamed of treating her children like pawns.
Let us hope that by being
Let us hope that by being clear about what you offer, you will head off this emotional blackmail. If you fall in with her plan, though, against your better judgment, it will send her the message that emotional blackmail succeeds and she will merely threaten to withhold the children on another occasion. I am afraid this may well end up being a repeated threat from time to time whatever happens, over the years. Therefore, it is very important to set a precedent and a marker now demonstrating that it has no impact.
Yes I totally agree. There
Yes I totally agree. There were other times that she provided threats. For example, we were threatened with being uninvited to her wedding unless we did what she wanted....even thought we were paying for part of it. My husband and I stood up to the threat and said it was her CHOICE to uninvite us just like it was our choice not to do exactly what she wants. So we have set a precedent on more than one occassion. But since she is living with her mother who helps fuel the fire with actions against us, these ultimatims keep occurring. Not being able to see the children is the most recent and most painful. Thank you again, my husband and I take great comfort and build strength from reading your comments.
Thank you so much. Each
Thank you so much. Each person's input helps more than you will ever know. Some day I will get past the tears. I am strong in my actions and my husband is even stronger, but I need to toughen my heart more so that this is less painful.
It happened here too. Almost
It happened here too. Almost the same story. We too both work overtime every week and still did tons of stuff with our grandsons and helped when we could. We haven't seen them for 2 years now. Narcissists tend to use their own children for power. It is so sick. It is very , very painful and wrong. No matter what avenue we have tried, we still aren't allowed to see them. Counselors, pastors can all see it in the SD's , we didn't want to believe it, but by God it is true! I had to take their pictures down at work and home just so I would quit crying. I remind myself that my own grandchildren will probably live 2000 miles away from me and I wouldn't be able to see them all the time either so I try to think of them as living elsewhere. One Sunday I told my hubby that we were going to go see our grandsons. We drove to their home,I sat in the car in their drive and prayed like crazy for some resolve. SD wouldn't let us in her house. I wasn't leaving so I kept knocking. She finally opened the door and the grandsons lept into our arms and squeezed us to death! We played in the yard with them for a while and then sat down and asked SD to come sit with us calmly we wanted to talk. She keep running around telling us to quit yelling and holding our grandsons ears shut. We were sitting on the couch coaxing her to come sit with us and talk. No matter what we tried, she kept pacing. Here, she had her phone on speaker and her dear narcissistic sister was listening in telling her what to say. I wondered why she kept saying loudly "please leave and quit yelling you are scaring my children" She wouldn't get near us.( I don't suppose you would since someone might actually hear what we had to say which was very calmly talking to her.) I offered to take my grandson from her so she could talk to her Dad alone and she grabbed him from me and said "don't ever touch my son like that again". So now, we have to worry what she would accuse us of even if we ever did get to see them again.
In your heart of hearts, you think they are going to have a conscience and realize all the hurt they are causing you but that is not the case. I had to quit thinking like a normal loving healthy person would think when it comes to those two narcissists.
In the past two years besides not being allowed to see my dear grandsons, my DH and I have had to endure:
1) dealing with my alzheimer mother which lead to her death. (SD's no show funeral home or funeral)
2) my son#2 going to Iraq ( no response from SD's)
3) my #1 son going to Iraq (no response)
4) their grandfather extremely ill and in hospital for 6 weeks , selling his house and belongings and moving him to nursing home (no response)
5) my #2 son going to Afghanistan ( no response)
6) my DH (their father) getting cancer and having 4 hour radical surgery ( no show , no response) but after surgery writing hate letters "grow some balls and run back to us, blood is thicker than water, and my favorite....."when (my grandson) sees a picture of her(me) he always says 'thats the lady that made my mommy cry'"
7)my #1 son in accident and severely fracturing leg so had to move home for rehab and help(no response)
It took a long time to get it my thick skull that they are very disturbed. Wanted to think there was a glimmer of a heart in them. Nope.
They have a brother who doesn't agree with them at least so we have my two sons and his to rally around us at least in spirit! They have all spent alot of time out of the country though obviously! Now, as I am older, I can see why his son chooses to live elsewhere. Why would you want to put up with their bull crap on a daily basis like we did for 12 years!
I offer you big hugs and time does heal. Good luck!
One more piece of advice.
One more piece of advice. Our couselor told us that those grandchildren DO grow up and sometimes realize what a crazy mom they had and will seek you out!