Is this just hormones, or would this bother you too
39 weeks pregnant so I am not sure if this is just me being hormonal, but its been really bothering me for a while.
Dh's family had always slighted me. That's fine, whatever. But they also slight BS (also dhs bio child) in a more sneaky ways. Like at Xmas, he got fewer gift than the other 4 grandkids, and his were from the dollar store while the other kids got brandname stuff.
Well 4 of the 5 grandkids have had birthdays in the past few months. Every grankid (both my steps included) recieved a visit and a bunch of presents. If I had to estimate a value, I would say between 75-100 buck worth of gifts. And when it was Bs's birthday a few weeks ago, they didn't aknowledge it at all. No visit,no call,no gifts. Not even a fb shout out.
Now I can handle the disrespect to me, but my blood is boiling over them treating BS like he doesn't exist. Dh didn't even notice it until I pointed it out a about a week ago, and he just kind of blew it off. Well, this weekend they gave SD all her birthday stuff and it just got me all aggitated again. Dh didn't seem to even register how unfair his family is. His brother even sent SS a few presents on his birthday, and nothing for BS. I'm sure SD gifts will be arriving in the mail this week (her birthday OS tomorrow), and its going to piss me off even more. Aunt sent SS a card with money in it.... Nothin g for BS. I'm sure SD card will be coming any day now.
Now, its not the gifts themselves that I'm mad about. It's the thought behind it all. How my son (soon to be sons) are treated like they don't exist or aren't as important. I know I can't make people care about my son, or buy him things, but he deserves to have grandparents that love him. What drives me even more crazy is that Dh doesn't even notice, or seem to care.
And of coarse if I say anything, I look like the petty greed one looking for gifts. But its not about the actual gifts, its about what's behind it.
Would I be out of line to tell Dh not to call anyone from his family when I go into labor? Let them find out from fb like everyone else. They don't want to act like family to my babies, that's how I want to treat them.
What is the age difference
What is the age difference between skids and BS? Is BS old enough to notice? If he is, I think DH should talk to his family and get to the bottom of this. If he isn't, is it possible this gift giving tradition won't start until he is older?
SS is 10, SD is 9, cousin1 is
SS is 10, SD is 9, cousin1 is 6, BS is 3, and cousin2 is 2..... BS is the only.one that is slighted.
We have given them pics
We have given them pics before, they have one displayed of all three (from years ago), but don't display any of just BS.... But they have a ton of the other grandkids.
BS is now three. So he didn't notice the omission, but he's quickly getting an age where he will notice how.much more the other get. He does call the grandma and grandpa, he recognizes them and isn't shy around them or anything. So its not like they would feel snubbed by how he acts. Yet they chose not to interact with him when we are all over there. he gets a hi and a hug when we walk in (more than I get) and thats about it from either one of them.
If pretty much had it with them. I decided ay Xmas that I wasn't going to go to their home anymore due to how the treat me, but they haven't asked me over since then, so they don't know I won't. They just come every few weekend, take the skids and treat them.... Then bring them back on Sunday. They've never asked for BS (wouldnt let him go even if they did) yet they take his younger cousin.
I would say to tell your MIL
I would say to tell your MIL or tell your DH to tell her that they are to start treating ALL children equally or you will have to cut off contact. I think treating people unequally is a HUGE deal, and it has implications for their future self esteem. I personally think it would be better to cut off contact than let it continue.
No no no not just hormones.
No no no not just hormones. This story is a typical example of the things you have no idea about when you decide to become a step parent. You know, when people say, the kid was there first. Well no, I didn't know SS would be completely favoured and get more things, have more time, photos of him alone plastered everywhere when DH and I had children. I didn't know that it would hurt my feelings that my children aren't treated the same as SS. I didn't know I would have to remind myself that my kids are actually Mil and fil blood grandchildren....its the weirdest feeling ever. Mil constantly reminds me of how much she "idolises" SS, not that she has to remind me its so obvious. They also try and make DH and myself feel guilty about how hard it is for SS now we have children. Well f&*k SS, what about how hard it is for everyone else! I am trying to explain to my 3 year old son that his nanny is not SS mum.
They go so over the top it really has taken the shine and excitement out of so many of the joys of having children, I thought they would be happy DH got another chance after being trapped by a tart when he was young and stupid.
My in laws would never do no present at all though so that is a really tough situation. It's not a nice situation to be in though and i know how hard it is to ignore it, especially when you are hormonal...things are magnified!! Good luck!!
Didn't have any kids prior to
Didn't have any kids prior to Dh.... Both my kids are his.
I wouldn't say Dh is less involved with BS than the skids. But he does subscribe to the "poor skids" mentality, like everyone else. He's quick to see (or imagine) situations that the skids are slighted, but can never see it the other way.... Even when its obvious and pointed out to him. Somehow me being his bio mom trumps everything else.
Hugs Peanut, I have a similar
Hugs Peanut, I have a similar issue. SMIL & SILs dotes on the other grandchildren. SMIL and FIL showed up for BS1 first bday but noone else did. Noone bothered to call him or send him a card or a gift. They all managed to show up for every party we had for SD, but noone even acknowledged the invite for BS1. They tend to ignore SD (now
now that there are other younger kids around, too. Its like DH's kids don't matter and mine matters even less than SD. It made me mad for a long time after the party. I bitched about it constantly. DH recognized it and validated my feelings, but really what could he do about it? Like the others said, he can't make them do the right thing. He tends to forget that they doted all over SD when she was younger, but since they ignore her a lot now, too, I guess I understand that.
I do think if they continued to spoil SD and slighted BS1, my dh would refuse to accept for SD. He can't control how they spoil the other kids, but he wouldnt' allow the disparity into our home. And my quiet payback is to "forget" all thier kids special events. I used to feel obligated to attend all the parties, etc. Now I have a free pass to avoid them!
The skids live with us full
The skids live with us full time, the bms are not.in the picture at all. Not even for visitation.
I can pretty much guarentee this baby will get the same treatment as BS. No one from his side of the family has aknowlwdged this baby at all. Every grandchild (other than my two) got huge baby showers, I got nothing.
They are all so fixated on making it up to the skids that thier Biomoms suck, that they can't see what they are missing out on with my kids. They actually told Dh when we got married that we shouldn't have kids because it would take away from the skids.
They actually told Dh when we
They actually told Dh when we got married that we shouldn't have kids because it would take away from the skids.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Why is it that FIRST families can have as many children as they want and noone thinks that anything is being taken away from any of their other children, but a second wife's kids are suddenly taking something from those first kids? It makes no fucking sense. And what about the cousins? THey're not taking away from Skids? I mean by their way of thinking once they have ONE grandchild noone else should breed because all of their focus and resources should go to that ONE grandchild.
Since the labor has nothing
Since the labor has nothing to do with skids, I wouldn't bother telling them anything. I would tell DH they need to stay out of your business. If he wants to tell them things about him then fine, but when it comes to you and your shared bios, no.
They will just treat this one the same way. Why bother including them.
when they say something, I'd take that opportunity to tell them they don't acknowledge bio #1, so you didn't think they cared to know anything about the new baby. I'd be very matter of fact too.
That's what I want to say.
That's what I want to say. But not sure how Dh will take it.
I don't need the showing up at the hospital pretending to give a shit bothering me when I am in the middle of labor and bonding with my newborn.
If you disrespect me or my
If you disrespect me or my kid, I suppose I wouldn't care out DH takes it. Although I understand not wanting to cause a big thing of it. You are right be angry and I do believe you have every right to exclude them from the baby news. Exactly what you said
"I don't need the showing up at the hospital pretending to give a shit bothering me when I am in the middle of labor and bonding with my newborn."
If DH was concerned he'd be offended that his parents disregard his children with you.
Everyone else can create this
Everyone else can create this unfair dynamic, but if I try to make up up for BS, then I'm the bitch whose favoring my son over the skids and doing now for him. NO, I just want to make it somewhat even, not give him more, but have him get the same (in love and attention, and opportunities, not just gifts).
By me being fair and doing the same for all the kids, I am actually disadvantaging my own bios, since he is so far behind already.
I DO favor my bs and anyone
I DO favor my bs and anyone who doesn't like it can suck it. I can see where your situation is different because your skids' BM is not involved, but really your kids are YOURS of course you favor them. I'd write everything down in a journal and then when you favor your kids and someone says something, pull that journal out and compare their behavior to yours and ask them why they're comfortable being hypocrites.
I'm not blatant either and I
I'm not blatant either and I fully respect that my dh treats them both the same. They are both his. But it is my job as his mother to be his biggest fan and I am. I won't be ashamed of it or be made to feel guilty about it - In laws be damned!
I do favor BS in my heart,
I do favor BS in my heart, but I do my best not to show it to the kids. It's hard when they are hear all the time, but I do my best to have my special time with BS when they aren't around.
Example:
This weekend we all went as a family to busch gardens and we renewed our annual passes. Evening was cut short due to rain, and we dropped the skids of at the inlaws on the was home (they wanted to spend Sunday with them). When we got home Dh and I noticed that they messed up on our passes and I had to go back on Sunday to straighten it out.
So BS and I go and straighten out the annual passes and ended up staying for a few hours. Well, while there i posted a picture of BS to fb. Mil saw it. So when she dropped the kids off last night she asks Dh to take the skids passes so she can take them next seeker d to make up for me only taking BS. He said yes.
Make up for what? We go to BG all the time. They went on Sat for christ sake. And she took them out to eat for three meals, took them swimming and took them shopping. But somehow they need to have this weekend made up to them, because evil stepmom is favoring bioson again. What did she expect me to do.... Walk a 3 yr old up to the gates of an amusement park and then turn around and go home??
Everything is 'oh the poor skids'
Its definitely different when
Its definitely different when they live with you full-time, but again your ILs think it is perfectly normal for them to have the skids over and shower them with attention, meals, fun, etc and exclude BS, but not ok for you, HIS MOTHER, to do anything fun with BS without skids. And that is a problem. I do favor BS. DH does not. My parents favor BS. My ILs favor SD and that is a problem because they are grandparents to BOTH kids, my parents are only grandparents to BS.
I hate that phrase "poor skids". Jesus. My niece lost her father (my brother) when she was two. I love her with all my heart, I don't baby her simply because she has been through something traumatic. I choose to help her cope.
No wonder there are so many adults in this world who can't cope with life. THey've been taught as young children that when something "bad" happens everyone should kiss their butts and "make it up to them"
Awesome sharing. I read full
Awesome sharing. I read full this post.
I'm glad you gave that Busch
I'm glad you gave that Busch Gardens example because it makes it a little more clear what might be going on. They have the "evil stepmom" expectation of you, so everything you do will be seen through those glasses. So it is their "job" to protect the skids from all the horrible things you do, or because you favor your child over skids. You know the reality because you live it. They take the little parts that they know, probably gossip about it, put together a crazy scenario of what you are doing to the skids, and then probably having it reinforced by asking the skids leading questions, and then reading their answers as what they WANT to hear, not what they are really saying. The worst part is that your DH is not standing up for your son, or you. That sucks.
I dealt with this some. EVERY.SINGLE.TIME we visited the in-laws out of town, MIL would go on about "poor SD" because her parents were divorced. She was lavished with gifts by them to right her pathetic life. They turned her into a spoiled brat. My mom would get her a nice gift every bday/Christmas, and finally stopped because she saw how much she was getting from ILs. And yes, when my kids came around, they got less than SD.
If DH doesn't stand up and say something, you will have to. Maybe all he needs to do is rant and rave about what a great mom you are to the skids.
Right! They have a whole
Right! They have a whole different reality going on with the skids. Peanut's kids have a mother and she favors them, therefore it is THEIR JOB to protect the skids from any discomfort she may be causing.