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"Daddy, how much do you love mommy?"

Reznov's picture

Submitted by Reznov on Tue, 05/08/2012 - 12:20am

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Yeah, this is the question that ss4 asked DH tonight. Now, I'll cut DH a little slack in that this came out of the clear blue and totally caught him off guard. He was put in a tight space because whatever answer he gives is going to cause an issue. If he says "not at all" then ss4 may have some hurt feelings, if he says "a whole lot" it doesn't really make current wife (me) feel so great.

So DH says "yes, I do love mommy a whole lot". How do you think he should have answered the question? I think saying he loved her was ok for ss4's sake but perhaps it should have been qualified with "I love mommy a whole lot as a friend" or "I love mommy a whole lot but I also love Rezvov and DS too". I think this was a teaching opportunity that was missed by DH just agreeing

Dory's picture

Submitted by Dory on Tue, 05/08/2012 - 1:28am

I believe this was generally the type of response that my DH gave to SS (now 27) when I first started dating DH - 20 years ago. SS would go into detail of how DH and BM met and how it was "love at first sight". In truth, BM fell pregnant a few months into what they both considered a casual relationship - BM was 18.

Fast forward 20 years............. SS does not seem to accept that DH and I have a marriage including our 3 biokids, and has recently concocted "evidence" to "prove" that DH was trying to win back BM whilst he was in a relationship with me. My SS is truly screwed up - everyone in DH's family, including DH can see it.

Think about this: how confusing for a child to believe that his mom and dad still love each other but they chose divorce??? It makes no sense whatsoever. I understood that the message to give children of divorce is that mom and dad do not love each other but they continue to love the kids.

janeyc's picture

Submitted by janeyc on Tue, 05/08/2012 - 1:56am

I was asked by my sd6, why can't Mummy and Daddy live together again, I said they don't want to live together any more, they do like each as friends though and they both love you very much. I don't think men are very good at off the cuff things like that, don't worry to much about what you dh said he was just caught unawares, lol sd also asked if I liked her Mummy, urrrrrrr yes I do, phew what a lie.

GizmoBarnOwl's picture

Submitted by GizmoBarnOwl on Tue, 05/08/2012 - 1:59am

He he my answer to do you like my mummy has always been better"well i don't actually know your mummy" helpful avoiding the question lol

janeyc's picture

Submitted by janeyc on Tue, 05/08/2012 - 2:07am

Unfortunately I do know BM, however I have disengaged now, so happily will never see her again, yippee! I often comfort myself with images of her flailing about in a shark tank, after seeing your posts.

GizmoBarnOwl's picture

Submitted by GizmoBarnOwl on Tue, 05/08/2012 - 2:14am

Hmm didn't mean to put "better" there... predicted txt on my phone is a pain.

GizmoBarnOwl's picture

Submitted by GizmoBarnOwl on Tue, 05/08/2012 - 1:56am

Ah tough one. its hard when put on the spot but i think the "were just friends but love you" line would have been better. even kids at that age aren't silly and they know when things aren't right. untruths no matter how innocent can stir up trouble for the future.

christag's picture

Submitted by christag on Tue, 05/08/2012 - 2:03am

Not sure kids ever give this sort of thing up even when they're adults. Giving those types of answers is going to keep feeding into it. My adult skids still like to play up how much their dad loves their mom. who is deceased, and make it clearly into an insult aimed towards me and trying to one up me that their dad loves their mom more than me.

Unless you put a stop to this now, things will keep getting worse.

SMof2Girls's picture

Submitted by SMof2Girls on Tue, 05/08/2012 - 12:43pm

At least he got an option to discuss it. He will get better with that down the road, and now that it's happened, you can both discuss better answers to have ready for the kids in the future.

My SDs basically told us "Mommy said that Daddy doesn't love her anymore and that it's all your fault. She said you and Daddy are going to have new babies and you won't love us anymore" .. so yeah, that was a fun convo ..

DeeDeeTX's picture

Submitted by DeeDeeTX on Tue, 05/08/2012 - 12:49pm

In the future, I would just say something like "God tells us to love everyone, so I love your mommy just like I love everyone. But she and I don't live together anymore because we fought a lot and did not get along."

ScaredIam2Young4This's picture

Submitted by ScaredIam2Young4This on Wed, 05/09/2012 - 10:57am

Hey All- I'm new to this forum and to this crazy (awesome) stepparent world...We'll never get married, but we're partners and are raising his kids together (with crazy annoying BM on the edges)...

I have a SS21, a SD14, and a SD9...SD9 often asks questions like this to both my and my partner. Her latest one, which threw me for a loop was, "Why don't you have any kids? You seem like you would be such a good mommy." It crushed me. I had no idea what to tell her. I blurted out something along the lines of, maybe I will someday. She looked at me very confusedly because my partner hasn't really talked to the kids about what our future life might look like, in spite of the fact that we've discussed having children together at great length. Ugh.

I wish I had some idea of what to say to them when they ask me questions. Their BM hates me. Super hates me. I know that my SD14 tells me things that she doesn't tell her BM or my partner and I know that her BM has talked alot of shit on me to her based on the types of things she says to me. I mean, what do you at the Stepparent say to the SKids when they ask you things like, why don't you have kids? why can't we all live together in one house? why doesn't my BM like you?

Help...