What about how you feel about your partner??
Hi all,
It's been so informative to read all your stories.
However, I don't feel that most of you have as much resentment as I do towards my partner. Most of you speak of the adult kid's behavior not accepting you - but what about your partner? I feel so much resentment that I am thinking of LEAVING HIM!!!
I am currently 4 years into chapter 2. I am divorced with a 17.5 year old daughter, he, also divorced, has 2 older daughters 27 and 32.
He has not - to-date - for gazillion reasons (and they never end) - introduced me to them. He has mentioned me to one of them (the one closer to him). I have sent her 2 gifts - and she has never even emailed me to say thank you. Same is applicable to his brother - sent him a 60th birthday present - never got a thank you note.
Now his brother's daughter has a wedding. He told his brother months ago he is coming with me. For the past months I pushed him to figure out if his daughters are comming to the wedding (they always make last minute decisions AND change them last minute), as I anticipated it night be a problem for them if I would come too. Again, for a 1000 reasons he did not confront them up until a few days ago (3 weeks before the wedding). The answer is that both of the daughters, as well as the brother (he was the one who communicated the message) dont want me to come. I am devastated 
but also, I will add, somehow understanding of the difficulties.
My expectations from my partner were - tell them that you and I understand them, however you can not come without me, as we are a team and that you hope that they can understand that.
My partner could not even fathom telling them that. It took me some time to explain that I expect some share in the pain - and at last, after many fights, he agreed that he would go only for 1 day and not for 2. It was important for me that he communicated the message to them - "I will not come to the whole event , as this is a painful situation for my partner and I need to stand by her as well" - I want them to understand this cannot become common practice.
So what did he do? He told them he will come for 1 day - WITHOUT saying why
I am incredibly pissed off by that. THAT was the whole point, get the message across, as well as me feeling he is sharing my pain of being pushed aside.
Someone here wrote - let him get a backbone - I dont feel mine has one on that subject and I am not sure he ever will. I do love him, but why should I constantly be in a position where my presence is not wanted? why do I have to constantly explain that we are a TEAM? why does my opinion always matter less in this topic?He is EXTREMELY AFRAID HIS DAUGHTERS WILL LEAVE HIM.
***I am REALLY trying to understand (and perhaps learn) why most of you are putting up with your partners (at least those who are not married but living together) and not more of you thinking of putting him in a place where he pays you at least the SAME RESPECT he pays to his kids??!!!
Yes, I know he is in a tough situation. Yes, I also know never to meddle between a parent and his/her kids.
But I want, no...I NEED to feel like what I say matters too. I want to feel he protects my name and stands up for me! I want HIM to feel deserving to come to a wedding with his loving partner and strong enough not to go if they dont want me there too!
Many times I feel that I will never get this from him and I do think of breaking up, because I feel I deserve better.
Am I too controlling? Am I not compassionate enough? Am I wrong for wanting that respect from him in, what may be, on the expense of his connection with his daughters? (they are not very loving daughters as it is)
We are constantly fighting over this. I would really appreciate your time and insightful advises.
(I'm not from the USA so apologies for any English grammar mistakes....)
Big hug to all of you.
Thanks,
Karen
You have been with this man
You have been with this man for 4 years and haven't met his family?
Something isn't right here. He's hiding something.
Is what I thought...I
Is what I thought...I confronted him many times.
But I do know 2 things -
1. One daughter is very emotionally fragile and is usually on medication. She will not listen to him on many occasions, not return his calls, cancel their meetings, sleep the whole day and night etc. He doesn't like to bother her when she is like that. (he never comes to her with ANY demand, actually. He believes he owes her everything and she owes him nothing - that's his belief as a dad. The result is that he is like a service provider, she and her sister NEVER care to know how he is).
Then she relocated to Europe so there was a lot of fuss before and after - didn't want to bother her.
When she comes to visit - she is too busy and distraught and he doesn't want to burden her with it....
He did manage to ask her once if she would like to join us to dinner someday soon and to me he said she didn't say no but just mumbled something like when she will have the time or something.
2. The other daughter is closer to her mom. Not very close to him. Hardly ever returns his calls. She told him once she is angry at him but doesn't want to talk about it. Perhaps the mother told her something. Probably he doesn't feel safe with her.
Are these good enough reasons to fear they will leave him if he says he cant attend the wedding if I am not coming? or just letting them know he will attend one day only because he has to get back to me - as I was left out?
I used to be understanding...I find it hard to be - anymore.
Thanks.
The one with the grudge would
The one with the grudge would appear to have pretty much left him in any event. What's more to lose? The other one has too much dependency to dump anyone.
I smiled when reading your
I smiled when reading your answer
That's something too these days. Thanks Poodle
Dearest newwife3, I read some
Dearest newwife3,
I read some material about these situations and it seems that most skids, regardless of their ages, can have a difficulty accepting such a situation not because they think I AM A MASS MURDERER....rather because it would mean their parents are REALLY OVER and moved on.
It seems we cannot expect even from adults to understand that "daddy is not happy with mom anymore but we both love you"...
But I do expect him to be the"captain of the ship" and to navigate it through this storm. But it seems that telling me he loves me alot (and wants us to go on a very nice trip abroad etc) and leaving me behind on shore, heartbroken, is not so hard for him. He feels for me,yes, ad will try to do more to resolve the situation in the future, but not right here and now.
As I wrote here, I a very sad. I don't understand what is the right thing to do by all sides.
Thanks,
Karen
"Am I too controlling? Am I
"Am I too controlling? Am I not compassionate enough? Am I wrong for wanting that respect from him in, what may be, on the expense of his connection with his daughters?" NO, NO NO! You DO matter and you need to inform him that you respect yorself enough to not to allow it. I can tell you from experience it does not get better if it is not handled immediately. I know you love him very much but you have to ask yourself if you really want to remain with someone who treats you like you have so little value.
Thank you so much Blue Belle
Thank you so much Blue Belle and Sandye21,
This is what I feel exactly.
But lets play "the devil's advocate"...try to see it through HIS eyes - if he will act as a team - it's him and me facing his daughters and brother. He may lose them. Is it fair to put him in this position? Would you not be somewhat understanding to his fears?
I try to tell him that if his daughters will "leave him" - he will have to deal with it from a place of inner strength and be sure they will reach out if he shows them nothing but love till they come around.
He cannot take this chance.
I read so many women here ACCEPT the fact they don't go to family occasions or are left out or not treated well by their husband's siblings - somehow continue the relationship with the husband/partner, almost without interruption and mostly blame the kids, adult or not. Not many of you blame the partner! I. don't care for his daughters. I DO CARE how he PROTECTS OUR UNITY infront of them.
Maybe being a team means I have to understand his hardships and support him and not make it worse for him by asking him to do something it seems he cannot do?
He says that when I give (ie, enable to go to this 2 day wedding + 1 day with his daughters), I should not expect for anything back. Well - I do! I expected him to turn right back to me and say - "I appreciate this so much - I will cut this visit short and stay only 1 day and go visit my daughters (who live in Europe) another time. I want to shorten your pain. You were kind to me, I want to be kind to you right back.
Am I living in la la land?
ISNT THAT BEING A TEAM?
There are 2 sides here - he may be right and I may be right as well. As Dr. Phil says...sometimes a relationship needs a hero. Do I HAVE TO BE THE HERO HERE?? and if this continues, as yo may suggest - when do I draw the line?
I am so sad.
Thanks for taking the time to write.
Hi Augusta. Many apologies I
Hi Augusta. Many apologies
I may have clicked twice on the "save" button as it looked like it was stuck.
Never again. Sorry for the inconvenience and thanks for your good wishes. I hope they will help
Is there something to the
Is there something to the story that's missing? Did his dtr allege abuse or was there an affair? It's very strange.
If the kids are legitimately stonewalling you then this is unacceptable. Your H. needs to assert that. I'm not sure what culture he is from, but I know in some cultures he may place his family as priority over his wife.
Something is fishy here. I think it would be good for you to talk to someone other than him to find out more info. I know that would be difficult. Could you at least talk to a daughter on the phone or meet with her for coffee?
By the way, for me it has really hurt my marriage. My H never did anything like yours did but it was his consistent apathy that was the most damaging. Esp. since so much of what I went through was at the hands of his family. He agrees with me that his family was terrible but he obviously has little empathy. He has little empathy for anyone though and it's something I guess I have to live with.
It's my Christian faith and my child that compel me to stay. I do love him but it's been pretty difficult and his lack of empathy caused me to feel alone in all this. If it wasn't for my faith and child I would have probably left already.
I can relate. Good
I can relate. Good answer...thanks. Good luck. We are going to therapy too.
It HAS to be a win win situation. It cannot be that one side feels fine with the situation/happy or apathy and one is suffering.
I was given an interesting advice.
Ask him what he can offer so you would feel better about the situation.
I am going to ask mine about that...perhaps he can come up with something interesting...
Thanks and good luck to you too.
Thanks Jennaspace. No, it was
Thanks Jennaspace.
No, it was not an affair (I would have stated so), but we did meet less than 2 months after he left home on his own initiative - so everyone might think it's the case...he left home to think about his relationship, He was thinking about a separation - I met him in a social event. Perhaps it was meant to be. Actually, I did all that I could to get him back home. I felt they should go to therapy together
Perhaps this is why I am regarded as the one "causing the divorce"? I never looked at it this way, as I know the truth..but maybe that is how his family sees it or how his ex wife regards it.
I cannot pick up the phone and talk to his daughter that would be stepping out of boundaries. I did write her something really nice on FB (private message and he agreed to it) - to no avail - no response what so ever.
It would be interesting for me to understand what in your Christian faith keeps you in a situation that is not good for you? If you can talk about it, I would appreciate it.As for me, I do not practice any religion.
I would try to understand and perhaps embrace any idea I feel would be good for me.
Thanks and take care too.
There has been a lot of
There has been a lot of resentment in my relationship, it was because of his bd's behavour, that is better now, bm is currently stirring the shit pot, we are handling it well so far, although I feel that he is too soft with her, he also organises things at the last minute and yes it drives me crazy too.