First of all, was this meeting with SD a setup do you think?

Well he's not on your side is he? Put up/shut up or I will divorce you, I would have kicked him in his family jewels, what an arsehole, where is the support that a partner is supposed to give? As for being dismissed that is not the action of someone that respects you. You deserve much better than this. As for crying that he feels suicidal, controllers will use many tricks to continue to get their own way, tears usually work don't they?

Well 20 years this is still stuck in the same old place isn't it. I remember he was going away for two weeks and you were going to seek legal advice, how did that go.

Hey I'm a family lawyer so I'll come to their defence -- no of course we don't give advice without being paid, otherwise we would be working pro bono. Please don't think a lawyer can't help you in this very emotional situation. Lawyers can cut through emotions like a knife through butter where needed. Half an hour of advice could give you a completely new view of your situation and open the door to possibilities that you never even knew were there. Make sure you choose one whom you trust and who has a good track record. It depends on what jurisdiction you are in but in family law worldwide, suits and disputes do not necessarily mean all-on battles and negotiations do not necessarily mean knuckling under. Never, ever, ever spend a lot of time thinking about plans for divorce unless you have been advised on the law. Equally, if you are near to contemplating divorce, get advice on the law early so that your plans can proceed on a fully informed basis. It would have been wise to have snuck around doing this when he was away from the scene, because you are now going to have the added stress possibly of concealing what you are doing from him. However, to return to the burden of my song, please 20Years, don't economise on paying for legal advice. It's always a grudge purchase I know, but it's so much CHEAPER THAN THE ALTERNATIVE.
Trust me, I'm a lawyer }:)

"Lawyers can cut through emotions like a knife through butter where needed. Half an hour of advice could give you a completely new view of your situation and open the door to possibilities that you never even knew were there. Make sure you choose one whom you trust and who has a good track record". The Lawyer Guy said that.

And I say "so can a good family counselor" at a lesser price and quite possibly save the marriage. Go alone if he won't go. In two months of weekly counseling, with or without him, you should have a handle on what is wrong with your marriage and how to fix it assuming both of you are willing to flex.

Try it - you'll be amazed at the insight they have.

Hugs to you, 20 years. I am only 3 years in, and I am not sure how much more I can give. I, too am rolling my eyes at Mr. Obvious..."assuming both of you are willing to flex":)

My DH refuses to go back to counseling; he said he felt like he was being beaten up.(hmm, I wonder why?) I have continued to go to counseling alone. This counselor has a Master's degree in divinity and a PhD in counseling psychology. Last week when I told him that I was losing hope and felt like I was half way out the door, I expected him to tell me I had to keep trying. Instead, he told me that biblically, it is my responsibility to get my needs met, and not just to keep giving and giving and getting nothing in return. That was very freeing. I just met with an attorney. I want to tell you that meeting with him was incredibly empowering. As Poodle said, "lawyers can cut through emotion like a knife through butter." ABSOLUTELY concur:)

I too have a DH who is emotionally invested in my relationship with SD. I have asked him point blank, "Why is my relationship with SD so important to you?" No answer. I don't think he even knows himself. What I do know is that I am not interested in anything but a polite, cordial relationship. No, I don't want to be close. I don't want to be a confidante. I certainly don't want to be her mother. And last time I checked I am an adult woman who decides who I want to spend time with and who I want to open up to and be close to. DH DOES NOT DECIDE FOR ME. When he forces the issue I don't argue. I just do what I want to do. Period. No discussion. Then when he throws up in my face about what I didn't do that he wanted me to do he gets a blank stare from me. I am not about to ruin my marriage over something that is not important to me.

Please consider doing what you want and not expecting your DHs blessing. I believe you can survive this, unless there is a lot more about your situation I don't know.