help
My husband and I have been married for 29 years. He had two sons and I had 2 daughters. We also had a son together. My ss are 35 and 40. I had very few problems from the 40 year old but have had constant actions and "slights" from the 35 year old. The problem has always been my husband refusing to take up for me. I have stayed in this marriage thinking it would get better but it hasn't. I have always treated my ss fairly even inviting them, along with their wives and children, to functions my parents had.
The problem I seem to have is ss wife. SS stands by her in every thing she says. So if I don't get along with her, husband and I don't get to see the grandchildren. We have a second homne on the lake and we have parties there for the holidays and special occasions. The rule is only family allowed no other people. Number one not enough lifejackets etc and not enough room for extras. If I allow one person (even my children) to bring a guest I have to allow everyone and with five children, spouses, and their children you can see the work , expense, etc I am up against. In other words its not fair to allow one person to bring someone and not the others.
SS and wife( married 14 yrs) brought a guest this weekend. They did not ask or anything. I knew they understood the rule because ss wife and I had big fight about it two years ago. Their reasoning (i am assuming becuase I didn't say anything) was their daughter would be ignored by the other two girls. Well as fate would have it their wasn't enough lifejackets and my husband took the lifejacket off my daughters daughter and gave it to the little girl my ss and his wife brought. I was very angry about this. He tried to give my other grandaughter a differnet lifejacket but it was too big and she kept telling him this but he would not listen.
I am very hurt by this. I felt my ss and his wife has and from now on will bring whoever they want. I also feel they have shown me a lack of respect, backed me up in a corner with no way to save face, and challenged my authority as stepmother causing my husband to choose between us.
When everyone left I told my husband to reinforce that no one but family allowed to the, get togethers. My husband went mad saying I make too many rules and he will not have any more parties. He blamed ME because of rules. I have stayed at the lake trying to sort thru this and he left and went home. I would be all for no more parties because the work is more than I can do now that I am older but feel he would be sending the message "I agree with you son." I don't know what to do and it has been five days and no word from him. I feel I need to talk with divorce lawyer but still love husband. Help has anyone had this problem?
Have you tried to talk to
Have you tried to talk to /call him? Is going silent for days typical? I would honestly be a little worried that he was ok right now...
If you know in fact he is ok, I would hold off on the lawyer just yet. 29 years is a long time to throw away over the no party/rules fight. This might just need to be a cooling off period.
No I haven't tried to call.
No I haven't tried to call. This is typical for him to do...not talk if he doesn't get his way. At first I would beg to talk with him about the problems but over the years have learned not to talk too. I am sure he is ok or would get call. I think I am so tired of the aggrevation. I felt it would end once kids were grown. but now see I have to put up with wives passive aggressive behavior and grandchildrens remarks how I don't like them because I wont let them bring friends .
Yes it is a long time and you are probably right about cooling off period. I will continue to do nothing until I figure out how to handle this. I just found this site this morning and was hoping to find answers.
As I read your original post,
As I read your original post, I was sitting here in tears. I am so hurt for you that your husband took the life jacket from your grandchild and gave it to an uninvited stranger.
Yes, I have had this problem. Well, not exactly the same situation of course but similar things. I recall one time in particular when (soon to be ex) dh yanked the pillow from under our sleeping 4 year old's head to give it to his 16 year old son because somehow skid's pillow had "mysteriously disappeared" - and I KNOW the skid had something to do with that. Thing is...dh could have gone out to his truck (semi driver) and gotten one of HIS pillows for HIS son...but NOOOOOOOOO.
Your rule about no guests at the lake makes perfect sense to me and is FAIR because you apply it to EVERYONE. You have valid reasons for it and if your dh didn't support it, he should have brought that to light a LONG time ago - and addressed YOU about it in private.
I don't have any good advice for you, I'm so sorry. I just want to offer my support and empathy. It is so hard. I got OUT - my divorce will be final soon. His second son/wife/3 kids only got WORSE with time. He bought them a house with OUR money (not that we had a lot - we couldn't even afford this!!) that I had worked and contributed to for 21 years!!! WHY? Because skid had a temper tantrum at age 30-something and told dh he would never speak to us again if he didn't buy him a house!!! And that's a BAD thing???
So, again - no advice. What is right for me might not be right for you. I think you did the right thing by taking some time and distance. I hope it helps you sort things out and prepare to have a conversation with your husband. The nature and outcome of that conversation will tell you a great deal about the future of your situation.
Your ss's wife showed a great deal of disrespect for you (AND your husband - if only he could SEE that) by bringing the guest. If you husband can't stand up for you regarding that...well...that's just so sad.
Bless your heart - please keep us posted.
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I agree. Thank you
I agree. Thank you
(No subject)
I feel like the compromise
I feel like the compromise stage has been bypassed for the challenged stage. If i allow this to happen it will be another challenge with another problem. Your solution sounds good but given too late. Do you think I am being hardheaded? What about my husband leaving for home within the hour?
I agree why make the rules.
I agree why make the rules.
Take your husband up on his
Take your husband up on his rant of not having any more parties!
You say it is getting out-of-hand, and that as you get older you can't keep up with it any longer - so why try? It sounds like you have done this for years, and now it is time to stop. The kids can find another place and time to vacation. You have earned some rest and quiet.
So what if it is "your fault"? Your "rule" is one that is meant to keep things running smoothly and not putting you and your husband in a situation where you could be liable for a drowning or injury. Personally, I would stand my ground.
It sounds like your DH gets his way by having hissy fits. If he gets mad, you back down. Just because he gets mad doesn't mean you are wrong in what you are asking for. Another persons anger is not necessarily a good indicator that your position is wrong - other factors need to be looked at. Maybe your DH doesn't want to admit he messed up by allowing his kids to bring this uninvited guest. Your husband would rather make you the "bad guy" instead of his standing by the rules you both put in place.
Your husband should be standing by you, and your concerns. They sound valid to me. I wouldn't have fun at an overcrowded lake house with "guests" I didn't know - especially if it has been seen as a "family thing" for so many years. If the parents are so concerned that their daughter won't have fun unless she invites a guest along, then maybe they need to make other plans for the daughter in other ways. She can stay with the "guest" at her home while the parents are at the lake house. She may have more fun.
That was another reason I
That was another reason I didn't want strangers because of the liability.
Deep breath, calm down. Your
Deep breath, calm down. Your husband is not fulfilling his duties and that is sad, but you can control a lot more than you think.
1. New rule: every guest needs to bring their own life jacket (if someone gets hurt on your property, you are liable). Send them all an email about this. Make sure you mention "This email will be used for legal purposes in case someone gets hurt);
2. New rule: anyone bringing a guest is responsible for hiring a cleaning service and purchase their own food/drinks for the duration of a stay or I will hire a maid and also split the food bill for which you all will be billed (also email this);
I do not see anything unreasonable about these two rules, I would absolutely do this. We have done this with our 10 year olds for overnights with friends.
I would also try to stay home and maybe go to the lake house by yourself. This family is disrespectful. Period. You do not need to put up with this. And it is your home-your rules. No matter HOW many and how unreasonable. Period. When I visit anyone, I follow their rules at ALL times.
This is my take on it: these selfish brats are trying to get you two divorced so they inherit daddy's money. Talk to a therapist about your struggles, just to quiet your mind. Talk to an attorney about logistics of wills, divorce etc. If you cannot take it anymore, but I would out-smart these brats at their own game.
You have given me food for
You have given me food for thought. I heard you and am listening ........Thank you
From the way you carry
From the way you carry yourself, you do not seem unreasonable in any way. Sit down with your husband first and let him know you feel hurt and betrayed by his behavior toward you and disrespected by the kids' behavior toward you, as well, see if you can have a calm resolution that way. Keep us posted. I would not bring up any legal matters at this time. Just do some good old-fashioned "repeat after me: I am hurt because you said this or did that" and do not bring up any rules or anything, just make him understand what you are going through and why.
I agree totally with this
I agree totally with this ^^^! One more thing - you say your DH has not called you in 5 days? This is definitely justification to a lawyer. Best luck to you.