My boyfriend is a super permissive guilty Dad. SD will be 10 years old this fall. BM is a semi-functional alcoholic, just sober enough that he would feel bad about "tearing" SD away from her mother, but just bad enough that he is the primary no matter what it says on paper (their divorce says 50-50, give me a break, BM is always "busy" and "overwhelmed", aka, too interested in getting to her next drunken stupor than spending time with this poor child).

I knew early on that I would have to follow his lead on house rules, discipline, etc. He is the parent, SD is confused enough. (I actually really do love her and don't blame her for the madness, it's not her fault her parents are asleep on the job of raising her.) We set some guidelines early on about how much child care help I'd provide and how much he wants me involved with raising her. Obviously I live with them and that involves a lot of support but there was a plan. I just don't know why I ever thought it would work...

His line going in was that "she has a mother," he didn't need me to take on some super central role. We stayed in the town where BM lives because she doesn't have a car, so their custody stuff could all go smoothly. But it's clear now that BM is a mess and does nothing but stress out SD. And then my boyfriend feels guilty that this is her mom, and when SD gets crappy, he does...nothing.

He lets her stay up late as a treat, failing to notice that when he does this, she is only extra crabby and demanding the next day. And her brand of crabby and demanding is yelling at adults like they are her servants and incredibly stupid ones at that. His response is...to do what she asks, and acknowledge her feelings (for example, "I know having to leave camp is hard"). But there's nothing after that! Like, "When I get mad, I count to 10 and take deep breaths." Or, God forbid he should ever say, "Hey, it's not OK to talk to people like that. If you'd like to ask nicely for help getting your game set up, I'll be happy to help you." She is not punished for ANYTHING. In fact, the more outrageous her behavior, the more likely he will spend extra special private alone time with her in her room at the end of the day, and let her watch extra cartoons, since she got so "upset."

I have tried to disengage and even have his support to do it. But it's impossible to not care or ignore it when the atmosphere in our home is so unacceptable to me. She is going to be a teenager in just a few more years and I am terrified of what will happen. He doesn't even ask her to be a good person, and he seems to be teaching her (as far as I can tell) that her feelings justify any and all behavior. The school complains that she has impulse control problems, and I fully understand why: no one ever asks her to control herself.

And I'm telling you, I feel so much for SD. When she is herself and not in the grip of anger, she is just as sweet and wonderful as any child can be. Of course she has the potential to be a GREAT KID! She needs guidance on how to let her better nature win out. No one gives it to her. This whole strategy seems to be about "acknowledging what she's been through." Leave the TV on, let her do what she wants, and hope for the best?

So now I'm seriously considering moving out. I would be open to still being in a relationship with my boyfriend but honestly, I cannot deal with this. Her father does not even ask her to respect him, me or other adults. But I don't see how moving out wouldn't just lead to us breaking up eventually...

If you met this man and saw how respectfully he behaves in his own relationships and how ethically he runs his business, you would never imagine this would be his parenting style. I am amazed and really sad. I don't even think there is a question for the group in this topic, I am just so depressed! He is in for Hell in her teenage years if he doesn't find the cajones to get drunken diva BM out of the picture and set up some boundaries around his daughter's behavior. I don't care if he's nice about it, I'm not talking about taking out a belt here. But the way he just DOESN'T EVEN ADDRESS IT is making me insane and lose all faith in him and us.

And of course I blame myself for not being able to predict where things were going. I am new to this and it was a test and I fee like we've all flunked spectacularly.