I've been a SM for more than 20 years, too. The only time I've had any success in that role was when I DID look at it from the child's perspective. Looking at it from mine (and mine alone) only created drama and heartache in my household.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qh2sWSVRrmo

That is what I hear in your post.

Of course we think about things from the child's perspective. But here's a little secret - kids are resilient - they can EASILY adapt to the concept of 2 houses might have 2 different sets of rules. They KNOW that what happens at Grandma's isn't allowed at home! For example.

I take issue with your post. This is a vent site - we come here when we are at our wit's end - because we know these folks here will understand. If you can't provide even a small amount of empathy for most of us - then you certainly don't have to stay.

I happen to agree with you Supermom123. I can't imagine having stepparents and different houses, especially as a kid! I would have been loyal to my MOM and my DAD until the ends of the earth. If a stepparent had been smarter, richer, stronger, better somehow than my bio parent I would NEVER have admitted it. I think the step parenting and stepfamily situation is completely unnatural.

I am a stepmother. I am a biomother.

I have a BS who is a fully functioning 29 year old professional with a degree and a healthy, positive attitude towards life. He's fun, he's funny and he is a joy to me. Like some of the other posters above I know my worth as a parent.

I've proved it.

My SD is a 14 year old underachieving, 'goth', overweight, depressive who is in her third year of therapy and who has now almost completely quit school.

I didn't raise her. Other than tutoring her in science and getting advice from my sis who is a high level curriculum development specialist - I have not participated in her schooling.

Why? Because her bio parents are both hands-off, lazy parents.

This kid is headed straight down the path to BIG trouble. She is halfway there already.

I can't do anything about it. I don't even try to help anymore. My help isn't WANTED. Like most steps, I do my best but mother nature works against us all.

Having said that I appreciate her life is not easy. Just as Supermom123 said - she has to go between houses and parents. There is no one place for her to be where she is ALWAYS taken care of.

I think stepfamilies suck. Not because we want to suck but because parents and children do what nature intended us to do - PROTECT each other and maintain the bloodlines.

It really down come down to that basic fact.

I've been a stepdaughter for over 23 years. I don't care about SD's feefees if she doesn't like the bedroom she slept in with "only" a single bed and no DVD player.

Really, I don't.

No one steps into this role thinking they are going to be the worse step-parent and reak havoc. Everything ss and DH (BF at the time) evrything they asked in the beginning. I didn't say anything when the laughed at me and treated me horribly. I thought it's only EOW, I can handle this. Too bad I needed to be a bitch to have them stop treating me so bad. No - I really don't care about his perspective. They had everything but were never satisfied. Now I am 100% disengaged!
They caused this situation, not me!

Well for the balance , this is one of the only places where finally someone looks at the feelings that stepparents have.Sorry if this is bothering you.To answer your question- the society, history, most other help sites and many books only focus on the children and expect stepparents to suck it up.There are always two sides of the medal.Whilst you are only looking at the poor victimized suffering children who struggle to adjust and feels rejected or confused many here are exposed to kids or teens who clearly learned to turn the situation of having divorced to their advantage .With the help of Disney- or guilty parents those little 'victims" are slowly allowed to turn into little manipulating monsters who think they rule the world.
I personally want the best for my SD and would be concerned if she would suffer in any way, but I can tell you this right now- she knows how to work both of her parents big time in her favour, no exaggeration here. lol!! Me and her get along quite well , but only because SO puts US first instead of letting her running the show.And hey...whenever the whingy princess stops being allowed to behave like a whingy princess so much...there is a cute and funny little girl revealed !
So people who come here to vent and sometimes complain are mostly having true reasons and mainly suffer frustration since they don't get the necessary support from their partners.I don't think you have read the stories here properly.

I am a social worker, and I have spent many years working with kids. My parents are divorced, and I have a stepmom. She has not always been the nicest woman, but I have always respected her and have always been nice to her. My dad loves her, and I want him happy. I have seen step families work, and I would say ours is pretty good for the most part. I have also seen horror stories on here, and in my family and friends' lives. I always look at each situation individually.

I have been called a whore and a bitch by my DH's adult kids. Their mother has tried to get him back, and the hate they spew is constant. I am dealing with it because of my training, my personality, and my love for DH. However, if they were younger it would NOT work. I am sure of that.

I have looked at it from their perspectives. They have no reason other than their desire to control their father. In our case, they all abused him for years, and they cannot stand seeing him happy. I have security cameras on my house, they cannot visit, and I want nothing to do with them. I tried to be nice, and it went nowhere fast.

Now, on the other side of the coin-I have an aunt; she is practically raising her 3 young grandkids (ages 2, 5, 7). Their parents both have great jobs-their dad, my aunt's son, and my cousin, makes six figures. His ex does well, too, but she is mentally ill. Their jobs are very prominent in a way, and they are well-liked. People have no clue... My cousin is literally watching my aunt spend her savings (almost gone) on these kids. The kids are spoiled so rotten it is disgusting. They have no boundaries, no discipline. My aunt "feels bad for them" and is in competition with their mom to be the "best." My cousin is an ass, and his kids are definitely not priority, but his women are. His children are in for a LONG road, and I can imagine that anyone who gets seriously involved with my cousin or his ex is going to run or be completely frustrated. My heart breaks for these kids, and I always, always think how they feel. They go from one house to another, and have to watch their parents "dating" multiple people. My aunt is absolutely obsessed with them, and if they do something bad, she does not correct it.

If you met these kids, you would think they were complete brats; even the little one hits and screams. The fault is solely on my aunt and my cousin and the BM. So, I see that end of it, these poor kids make me so sad.

The bottom line with "both sides" is that this is so sensitive, and for so many of us, so unexpected. I do not think people meant to attack you, but they NEED to come here and vent. Some of these skids are horrible, and I can so see the future stepparents of my cousin's kids on here one day. So many women/men on here have been through hell with the skids, and they have gone to great lengths to love and care for these children. It is devastating. I think everyone tries to look at the kids' perspectives, but you reach a point where it goes from that to being simply disgusted and defeated by the skids' behaviors.

Like I said, I totally understand where you are coming from, but it is too late for many on here to see the perspectives. It simply HURTS.

Well my SD was 20 when I first met her. She came to my home boyfriend in tow. I offered them refreshments. I was polite and more importantly I made myself scarce during that and subsequent visits so she could if need be ask her father to phone or meet her somewhere if she wanted to talk to him privately.

I kept that up for almost two years I understood she may very easily and understandably feel awkward in my home.

For DHs 60th birthday some 4 years later I had it at a restaurant because my children who SD never wanted to meet were invited and again for her sake I felt a neutral and public place may be better. She refused to come.

6 years into it she would speak to me if she needed to pick my brains through her father. For example dad do you have a blender I can borrow or dad why are my dark clothes fading in the washing machine. He would ask me and when I answered even though I would look at her she would avoid eye contact.

She had during all this time thousands of passive aggressive remarks on occasion she would fire up into a rage over something trivial such as if Dh and I were speaking she would cut in over the top usually DH would stop talking to me and answer her but on the rare occasion he failed to do this it was on.

8 years into it and she has a baby which DH cannot see unless he leaves me. That baby is now 14 mths old.

Sometimes when dealing with adult SKs it really is the SKs fault. Yet even though the SM has treated them with respect she can never win. Somehow if in this day and age it seems SMs can do no right and SKs can do no wrong. Because they are from a broken home they get a free pass and are treated as victims. Whilst any woman coming into their fathers life is evil.

I think we need to remember Cinderella was a fairy tale.

I cut my SD so much slack I do her a disservice. I expect my 2 year old to say please and thank you but let it slide when the 13 year old SD NEVER says it. That same 2 year old also has more chores than the SD13. I am always upbeat and positive with her, even though, I rarely get a response back. All I ask is that she respects everyone in the house. Not too much to ask. The posters are right, this is a safe place where we can vent because most of us are constantly letting things slide and getting shit by our SKIDS. But you are Supermom so more power to ya!

I totally understand you. The problem is that we often think that we know everything and that we are right in everything. Children can always teach us valuable lessons. But this topic is way too discussed that we will never get to a final conclusion. As a matter a fact you could even make money online by opening a blog dealing with such matters.

I had to stop reading the rest of the replies. People get their backs up so quickly when they feel like they're being personally attacked, even though you wrote an open, honest letter that pointed no direct fingers.

In Communications, we learn that for every 1 written complaint there is 100 (1,000, 100,00, 100,000, 1,000,000 depending on the scope) people who are satisfied/happy. People are far more likely to sit down and write a note dissatisfaction than one of satisfaction (Don't get me wrong, I'm on this group to vent and get advice also. I'll be writing my fair share of dissatisfied posts over the years to come).
supermom123 - I commend you for being one of those few (in general) to sit down to write, what I see, as a positive note.

I'm new at being the sm, only 3.5 years into it (4 years with dh - no kids of my own). I'm currently one of the lucky lottery step-moms with good skids that are accepting and loving (though I still have my feelings of being the outsider). However, that can all turn on a dime and they may turn into the evil skids that others have (I'm looking at you sd5).

Most importantly, for me, I was a kid, a child of divorce, a stepchild, a little sister, a teen girl (with feelings of abandonment), an adult and grown daughter (understanding the cause of the divorce and disagreeing with many parenting/custody choices made), an aunt, a wife (common law) and step mother. There's a lot of lives there to reflect on and I try to do that in every circumstance. I wish that the adults in my life had taken the time to reflect on how their choices would affect my brother and I (not to say they shouldn't have divorced, that was the best choice they made for us).

Everyone is different and every situation is different. Don't lash out at supermom123 because you don't agree. If you don't like the show, change the channel.

Ohh, I found this condition with lots of children, child forcefully do the stuff which you disallow. One major cause for such activities is loneliness. So better admit your child in preschool or day care or like something like that. There Child finds more friends and stuff to do and probably they learn to obeys other.

I know this post is very old but I am knew to the forum and just started reading through. I think every situation is very very different and that is an important thing to remember. So I will only comment to super mom on my personal situation. I spent many years trying to be the best mother to the SD and SS that I could be (I do not have my own bio kids). I felt very sorry for them largely because of their BM and also the fact that my DH was and is a very guilty Dad and spoiled and empowered them beyond what children there age should ever have had.

I was the advocate for therapy for those kids for years even though BM and DH fought against it for years. So where are we now in this specific case. Both skids have a host of psychological issues. They have no friends in their peer group, behavioral issues, no coping skills and no boundaries. My greatest sadness is that they will lead very sad and miserable lives and are singularly I inequipped to stand on their own two feet.

I did think about it from their perspective (both long and short term) every day for years. Throughout they were both physically and verbally abusive towards me. However, as I was the adult, I turned the other cheek and went in to advocate therapy as I thought it was the RIGHT thing to do for them.

I finally had to recently leave that environment. I do not hate those children and still feel very sorry for them. However, I have now chosen to feel sorry from a distance as they is nothing more I can do for them. The worst thing their parents did was throw discipline out the window, empower them and not teach them values and decency. Sometimes the SM can have the best of intentions but there is absolutely nothing that can be done in certain situations. Not for lack of caring or empathy. Again, this is just my situation