School - and other events
My stepson is 4. His mom and dad are recently divorced and I still feel she holds animosity towards me. She had her father until he passed away, my man had a split family so he somewhat understands. His ex wife had a son from a previous relationship - this guy didn't care about the kid though so he somewhat played dad. I have a split family and have dated a dad who had a chill ex-wife, you respected her motherhood you could be present for anything. We weren't friends but she had no issue with me being present for the first day of school, or being a stepmom as much as I could as long as I didn't try to tell the little girl she was mine.
Fast forward and now my stepson is about to start his very first day of school. They are going to go to the teacher meeting together, and drop him off at his first day together. I don't mind this it is their son. I don't want my man to miss out on anything especially since he is home (he is home for 3 weeks and works offshore for 3 weeks). Like I said my ex had a baby mama who would let me be present for just about anything, and now I'm dealing with pretty much having to be hands-off.
I have still got to help him pick out his backpack with his dad, and lunch pale and shoes for our house. I just I guess I feel bad knowing I can't be apart of the big day and feel somewhat jealous.
I have had several miscarriages and don't even know if I can have kids, or if I want to ask him if we can try and experience the pain of a miscarriage again. So, though I know the son isn't mine I want to be as involved as possibly without him calling me his mom.
I don't know how to feel, she got upset because I was apart of splitting the school supply list. I know that she is jealous, and probably still not over him or the fact another woman wants to be apart of her sons life - though I have been around him for quite sometime, without crossing any boundaries and encouraging her son to call her at night etc. I have also delt with people I don't know telling me I ruined their marriage though I cam WAY after they split, and listened to not only the little boy but he eldest son disrespect me to my face because of how she has talked about me.
I was wondering if anyone has experienced this and advice of getting through it without causing issues with me and him because honestly I don't want to say anything because I don't want him to worry about me when he's home during such a exciting time for his son.
Beyond how to deal with this, is there any other advice on helping ease her mind knowing I want to be everything but her replacement. I have always respected her, and never said a cross word about her to the kid. Any advice would be appreciated.
His little boy doesn't
His little boy doesn't respect BM so sometimes I do have to get onto him but he does say yes ma'am and no ma'am like his daddy wants him to. I have maybe jumped on him a couple times for blatantly ignoring me but dad was there and very supportive...most things I just let dad know about and he handles it. SS is slowly learning to respect women as like I said BM doesn't demand respect and basically gives him everything he wants, she also has never been even close to my shoes. Dad tries but he still doesn't understand especially since I've been through this once and it was a completely different way things were handled.
Like I said I don't know if we could have our own child or if I would even want to go through the pain of the possibility of losing another one. That would still be way off if it happened as I want SS to grow up and be more independent before bringing or trying to bring someone else in the family, I believe he is still so confused on the situation because of how BM talks and I don't want to make it any more complicated on him.
I have somewhat talked to him but it's been hard as like I said he is gone for 3 weeks and just came home into the school mess. He has told me he would try to slowly let BM know that at least when the kid is with us I will have some say in how things are handled, and the decisions being made as like I said I already know boundaries and tread lightly...though she is a psycho (like legit - not just me saying it because she is the ex) and with her eldest son never went through this.
I know that tomorrow when they go to the meet and greet I will suck it up and put emotions aside, also when I am having to wake dad up to go down for the first day (I control the alarm as most the time when he is home he has a very relaxed schedule). I talked to his mother (dad) about it and she told me she is here to support me, and will stand by me as she knows how hard I try and the way I not only treat the little boy but take so much shit from the BM. I have also discussed how I feel like it is a drastic change from my previous role as a SM. I am grateful to have his mom on my side but again she has never been in my shoes and never a SM though she has delt with them she has always got the BM hat.
Any advice on handling the emotions? I really appreciate your response.
I don't have him at all when
I don't have him at all when my husband is gone. I am not even allowed to pick him up to go to the airport to get my husband - even this last time when his plane was not only a day late but we had to pick SS up at 10:30 at night when by that time we could have already been home at our house.
I am not telling him how to approach her I have just told him that I feel like I am walking on egg shells as I had to text her the school supply list from his phone as she flipped out it would even be in my hand writing. I do not in anyway want to or try to step on her toes.
I love my SS more than anything in the world besides his daddy. I buy his clothes and stuff but it is with daddy and we do it online with the 3 of us so that he can feel like he has some input in picking out his own clothes because BM dresses him her way and not even SS like its.
I have never pushed my SS anything. We do have our bonding time each night when he is home because a while back he wanted a fish after I decided we needed to go to the aquarium as a family - we try to do something with about the kids every weekend we have him and I wanted him to experience something new and because of TV he was having some interest in fish. SS and I feed the fish together and then we all lay down and do story time before bed. I don't try to do stuff just us because I want him to know I am with his daddy I am not trying to overstep. It took time for him to warm up but he has and as his dad said the other night only one thing has changed between me and SS since we got together and that is we are closer and I seem to get less irritated but understanding when he accidentally disrespects me/
I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I would just like to be able to attend school functions etc, and be myself or even somewhat of myself without her being a bitch. I understand it will take time and she has never been through this but like I said after my previous SM experience I feel like I am at the total opposite end of what I got to be.
I have tried to stepback and just stand by his side. I don't try to tell him what to tell her or anything. I guess I'm just having a hard time being completely stepped back and I know he is trying to slowly ease the waters. I am just not good with emotions.
I will say even with my emotions and him not knowing my husband is very supportive of us doing family stuff when his son is at our house. He encourages his son to call me Ms. Sarah Beth and to respect me. I do feel very lucky to have such a supportive husband who knows both of our intentions are the best for SS while we also get our time during the week he is back at his moms.
I guess maybe I'm just emotional about not being able to attend the school functions as I could do previously. I am trying to not let it bother me and have made plans to keep my self occupied at least for tomorrow night. I really appreciate the support and almost feel like I am babbling just because I am emotional.
Like I said I am trying to
Like I said I am trying to back off and never felt my heartache until now - when he is starting school. I am just used to such a different role when it comes to these things because of my previous SM experience. I never want to make him choose or feel bad I just didn't realize how different this situation was gonna be. Like I said also not knowing if I will ever experience it with my own child makes me feel like I need to be more maternal I guess. I don't feel like I deserve anything but respect from him. I don't deserve to be at functions I would just appreciate it. My heart just aches. It's gonna take a lot more adjusting then I thought.
So, last night me and the dad
So, last night me and the dad got to talk, he admitted to not knowing how I felt as he got to step in and play dad not SD. He told me that he will try to keep me as involved and he hopes by next year I can be apart of the first day events - I never asked he said that out of his own will. He also told me especially when SS is at our house he doesn't want me to disengage because he thinks I am doing exactly what I should. My heart still hurts knowing tonight I do not get to be apart of the events. Like I said above I know I do not deserve to be there and it is THEIR child. I just am having a hard time because of my previous SM experience and then after our conversation and him not wanting me to change how I act, my emotions are a mess.