You need to keep both relationships separate and value both your relationship with your daughters as well as the one with your partner. She is probably mad because she probably comes second to your kids in most cases. Would it make you feel good to know that you come second? I'm not saying kids shouldn't be a priority... but if you can't balance both... try being single for awhile while you raise your kids.

My opinion is EXTREMELY biased as I am in the middle of a breakup with a man that keeps putting his kids first. I've finally had enough of being second or forgotten.

Good luck

It's unreasonable to expect everyone to get along. Not everyone likes everyone else. Just because you love your daugter and you love your SO does not mean they should love or even like each other.

If you admit that even through your rose colored glasses you can see that your oldest daughter is lazy and grubby, then guess what? Your oldest daughter is probably very lazy and very grubby. You, as the parent, have to be the one to set down the rules. Bathing is *not* optional, and if she doesn't do a good job of it, you will do it for her until such a time as she can be trusted with the responsibility. Assisting with house chores is also not optional. If she is a part of the family, that means she participates in both the fun and the not so fun.

As for the other, you are inviting disaster. Honestly, your kids are going to grow up some day and move on with their lives. If you've devoted yourself to them to the detriment of your relationship, then what will you do when it's just you? Will you be happy being lonely in your golden years? Sorry, but taking the kiddos w/o so much as a conversation with your SO is underhanded. You knew she would be upset (which tells me this has happened before often enough for it to have become an issue that upsets her and often enough for you to have picked up on it or for her to have finally grown fed up enough to confront you about it), so instead of grabbing your sack and confronting the situation head on, you chose the coward's way out. Easier to ask forgiveness than permission. And while you don't necessarily *need* permission, it's nice to have. However, it seems that you were more interested in keeping your ex-wife happy, than your current SO; all this did was show her again exactly where she ranks in your life.

Also, discussing your relationship with your daughter and giving her any sort of power (even if it's only your dd's perception) was a huge no-no! That's called adult spousal status. Instead of discussing how to deal with the kids to your SO, you're discussing how to deal with your SO to your kid. I can understand why your SO might not like her, but she's resenting the wrong person here. You are the one causing the problems by doing these things. It gives your dd the impression that she has the power over the relationship. Wether she means to or not, your dd will throw her weight around with the gentle assurance that you have her back over your SO's. SO will then resent your daughter even more. Daughter comes running to daddy for assurance, daddy gives it to her, daughter feels secure throwing her weight around again . . . see how this cycle perpetuates itself? Stop discussing your SO with your kid(s)!

And no, "our time" can't really happen when your kids are there. Your post makes it perfectly clear where your priorities lie. That means that when your kids are there, that dinner and a movie grown-up style becomes McD's and "The Princess and the Frog." That's not "our time." That kid-centric, disney-dad, doting on the kids time. But, if all your actions so far haven't gotten the message accross that "when an opportunity comes up to have more time I will jump at it," then just tell her. "Dear, I love you, but in the grand scheme of life, spending time with my kids is much more important to me than intimacy with you. I need you to understand that up-front, and if that's not something you can live with, then I understand. I'm sorry for stringing you along for all this time."

Sounds like your wife/girlfriend/whatever is selfish and can't accept that you are and were a father first.

Lots of things have been said here by others already, but here are the bullet points :
1) always consult your partner before changing schedule
2) if your relationship with your partner is to survive, you need to have the very important "just the two of us" time
3) your partner and your daughter may learn to appreciate each other, or they may not. give it time and teach mutual respect
4) the first year is the hardest

You can answer your questions yourself when reading what you wrote in your post.
Your decision to put your daughters first is clashing clearly with your GF's natural wish to be put first.
I personally find it hard to impossible to build a serious relationship with someone whose life is completely focused on the children.If you read books about step parenting you will get most likely the advice to put the adult relationship first to make it all work.I personally agree with that, although me and my SO had to introduce changes and adjustments in the process.I am not talking about the kids safety and wellbeing- this will always have priority, but the general focus/planning/decisions in life puts our adult rs first and then on the children- trust me , all 4 of them are still spoiled and get lots of attention!!
I bet that the problems that your gf has with your daughter is because of you putting her above how she feels.And as it sounds she is even consulted about you marrying your gf-look, I know that you will not like to hear that, but I find that you created a imbalance between adults and children( of course with the best intentions , but still!!!).
This is not fair for your GF who waited patiently for years and now still is treated second important.
If you are serious about your rs take your daughters of their pedestial , let kids me kids ,and show her that she will be consulted and taken seriously for weekends- you gave your special time to your kids while she was waiting and now it is time to make her feel special.Kids need to be loved but being treated more important than the adults.
I can imagine that if you put the balance right back into your family, most of the resentment will fall off.
Please read the book step monster!

I'm sure this is tough for you, being in the middle sometimes but I agree with *newwife3 on this! I am a mom and stepmom and I have realized that we can't just connect or bond with others as much as we would like to it doesn't always happen. Including your partner on changes with schedules is important. It keeps trust between the two of you. If she got upset about your weekend together, that's okay. We all would want to spend more time with our kids if we didn't have them with us 24/7 but we have to make time for our relationships too. You both probably work and maybe all you have is the weekend to just hangout with one another. Women are always an emotional wreck, that's just how we were made. You will probably get many different opinions/advice on how to handle the situation but its really one you have to make on your own. Me being a stepmom and mom of 5, I try to take every advantage I can to have with my husband. Your happiness, partners happiness, and kids happiness are all very important. KEEP PARTNER IN THE LOOP BEFORE DECISIONS ARE MADE. (if it conflicts with what is going on with your personal lives) I wish you the best and hope this works out for you.

I'm not sure you wanted to hear what most of us have to say but it's pretty clear that your putting your plans with your girlfriend aside to spend more time with your kids isn't going to go over well. C'mon, did you really expect it to?

Think about being a kid again and having your best friend with you. Let's say you both makes plans to play your favourite sport baseball the next afternoon. You always have fun doing this and you can't wait! But then your friend calls you and says his other friend Timmy is coming over too but you can't play baseball anymore. He is sure you won't mind playing lego instead. You'd feel pretty bummed, right? You'd feel second place. Doesn't matter if you like Timmy or not, the fact is your original plans to play your favourite sport of baseball have been shelved because Timmy is coming over and he likes lego more.

I'm not sure you wanted to hear what most of us have to say but it's pretty clear that your putting your plans with your girlfriend aside to spend more time with your kids isn't going to go over well. C'mon, did you really expect it to?

Think about being a kid again and having your best friend with you. Let's say you both makes plans to play your favourite sport baseball the next afternoon. You always have fun doing this and you can't wait! But then your friend calls you and says his other friend Timmy is coming over too but you can't play baseball anymore. He is sure you won't mind playing lego instead. You'd feel pretty bummed, right? You'd feel second place. Doesn't matter if you like Timmy or not, the fact is your original plans to play your favourite sport of baseball have been shelved because Timmy is coming over and he likes lego more.

How can I get her to understand I am a dad 24/7 but sometimes I’m not fortunate enough to have my daughters with me? So when an opportunity comes up to have more time I will jump at it?

If you want to be focused on your children( "I am dad 24/7") - I think it will be only a sign of integrity if you inform your partner that you want to make your children number one priority in your life("when an opportunity comes up to have more time I will jump at it"). I am not judging you - it works for you at this time in your life and you have made a choice for yourself and the life you want to live. Give her the opportunity to make an informed choice for herself by telling her the truth and being open and honest with her about how you feel and what you want in your life at this particular point. Just like you told us here what you want. Allow her to make an informed choice about the direction of her life. Tell the truth to her and let her make her choice and take her responsibility whether she decides to stay or leave. I wish that option was given to me 3 1/2 years ago. Stay kind and loving and refrain from judging her, blaming her and accusing her of being jealous etc... by projecting your own guilt onto her. Have compassion and empathy...

Hm. It would help to know how often you have changed schedules. It seems to be some long-standing frustration so not sure if 1 weekend change is the issue or if this is frequent. Are there other issues as well-something that you haven't described?
I'll give it a shot based on this limited information:
1. Perhaps due to your rose-colored glasses, you don't see what (if any) vibe your oldest daughter is putting off to your fiance. She's 14 and that is not an easy age even for Bio Parents. Teens, esp girls, can get very manipulative and sneaky and could be putting off her own vibes to make it known to your partner that she doesn't like her. You said you spent their younger years putting them first so they've come to expect to always be first & ONLY. So I could see your daughter being less inclined to share that position which could have her doing little things to make your mate feel like a second class citizen.
Or maybe she's just not a likable kid. My SS8 is lazy, greedy, manipulative, arrogant and has too much mouth. He has some good points but they are overridden by his overall personality. I tried to focus on the good but it's not enough of it there and ultimately I'm not fond of him. But I don't mistreat him, I help my husband with him and I try to add to his life. It's not automatic and I have to work at it. In 4 years I actually have less of a bond now than when he was younger because his personality has unfolded and revealed him to be what I described before. That and the fact that he's not even my husbands Biological child makes it harder to bond with him and I don't worry about trying to anymore. My Husband has finally come to accept this. He does not pressure me or try to "play up" the kid anymore. So perhaps -as long as she's not mistreating your daughter or trying to taint you against your own kid- you just have to accept that they won't be shopping and pedicure buds.

2. This is an easy fix. Don't allow frequent and unnecessary schedule changes in visitation and always consult your partner first. This repeated behavior by my DH almost ruined our marriage. It's a very simple solution. Ask first if there's plans, if she minds (sometimes there doesn't have to be plans, but we just want the free time we anticipated having) and if she sometimes does mind, be okay with that! Don't be resentful if she's not always willing to get your kids any spare/extra time you can have them. If she's NEVER willing that's a different story but I am betting she is not that unreasonable.

As for not marrying someone who does not like your kids or that your kids don't like--that shouldn't be a blanket statement. As many of us realize, the behaviors of the Bio-Parents often create bratty kids & competitive situations, which ultimately leads to resentment of the whole situation which unfortunately includes the children. It's not necessarily the children that's not liked as it is the way the whole situation is handled. If you change the dynamic, the relationships could improve and you could marry because then chances are your kids won't be resented anymore nor will the kids try to exercise their power over your life. Balance.

In many homes -blended or not- children have all of the power and run the schedules, activities and even behaviors of the Parents. That will cause a wedge in the relationship and many marriages end within 5 years after children are born because of the improper management by the Parents. That does not end (unless it's recognized and resolved) when the Parents get into new relationships. They continue their same pattern of pushing (serious and committed) partners aside to cater to their kids. They are slow to discipline, slow to require anything of the kids, always trying to 'make up' for the divorce which creates many issues. Whether you consider yourself Disney Dad or not, if you place all of the onus on your partner to like your kids -and no responsibility of your kids- you are creating the dynamic that's happening now.

We KNOW you have kids when we start dating so it's not like we don't expect changes in plans sometimes due to unexpected issues. If we love you of course we want to at least like and get along with your children. I can bet your butt that most of us that have issues now, started out actually liking and being okay with the kids and the Ex's. But in time, the relationship reveals to be out of balance with either or both and that's when the issues pop up.

If you met someone who immediately disliked your kids and didn't make efforts to try to get to know them, then by all means, dump that person. When we have kids, we cannot be with someone who's just not a kid person, who's selfish, who's demanding to be first at all times. But I don't think most are like that. We know it's not going to be perfect and that we'll have to share our time. Many sane and happy Women are quite okay with that. What's not so okay is if every time we turn around, there's a schedule change-one that involves our time or plan and doesn't factor us in. What's not okay is when Parents won't see any wrong in their own children, when they try to force a bond prematurely (takes about 7 years per experts), when they expect us to be A-OK being pushed aside because 'they are just children'.

Before you try to change your mate or your kids--change YOUR behaviors. You set the tone and dynamics; now you have to reset it. If you create balance, you can probably fix this. It doesn't sound like a horrible situation but it can be if you don't act now. Good luck!

On the issue of her not liking your daughter:
What might seem superficial to you about your child, is not necessarily superficial to her. I have a feeling that you see these things as superficial because as you stated, you see her through rose colored glasses...she is your daughter. If she were not your daughter, but instead your neighbor's kid, I have a feeling you would feel similar to your wife. The more you push either of them to like each other, the worse it will get. I am sure there are plenty of people you don't like out there and if anyone told you that you were being petty, you'd more than likely just get angry at them vs. start liking the person more.

On the issue of her wanting your time alone:
You shut her out of your relationship early on to put your daughters first. Now that she is with you, your daughter's wishes to come see you more than 50/50 still trump HER needs...thus, your daughters still come first. Honestly, I understand you feel bad...but if you feel bad and wanted to put your daughters first, you should have stayed single. I very highly doubt that you would ever marry a woman that told you straight up that 50% of the time, you would NOT come first...and then some. That is basically what you are telling her. That 50% of the time, your daughters come first and within the other 50%, if they want to come first, they ALSO come first. Although to you and your ex it might sound wonderful of you, I promise you it ONLY sounds wonderful EVEN TO YOUR EX because she is no longer with you. If you were still together and you spent more than 50% of your time paying attention to YOUR KIDS TOGETHER and sometimes more, not even the mother of your children would have stayed around.

PS - you might want to check into emotional incest...I am NOT saying that you are doing this on purpose, I am NOT saying that you are some incestuous father...but many times when people divorce and place such high regard for their kids, etc...that is exactly what it ends up looking like...and believe me, your daughter will NOT benefit from it. I promise you they will not. My sister had a similar relationship with my dad and at the age of 45, she still can't think on her own...do NOT do this to your girls. The best thing you can do for them is to let them know that when THEY ARE MARRIED they deserve a husband who puts them first...not a husband who puts their needs on the back burner for others, including the kids.

The main reason I would not marry/live with, DH was because of the dysfunction that he brought to the table. (him, SS and BM). We dated for 8ish years.

The secondary reason was because I firmly believe that I had children and they did come first. I made a commitment to them, when I gave birth, to raise them to be great adults. IMHO..parenting is a full time job.

And, no, I was not a Disney mom by any means. And right now I have two young adults who are the most amazing, honest, hard working, smart people you will ever meet. And all that, is because of the way I raised them. I did not have to EVER fight anyone about how I raised MY kids.

I find it hard to believe that some people think that raising kids should not come first. That was the most important job I ever had.

If your kids are really as good as you say...then your partner is pretty selfish. Good luck.

In the reading of your post it is evident that neither you nor your daughters respect your girlfriend within the house. She is not apart of the family she is an after thought. No more important than the couch or end table.

Answer the following questions honestly and you will see my reasoning for the above statement.

1) Your children call your SO by her first name don't they?
Why? She is not their peer. She is an adult in their life that they should have to show respect for. No different than a teacher at school.
You have a title "Dad" and that carries authority with it.
In allowing children to call a step parent by their first name you are taking the first step in stripping your partner of any authority within the house: the kids see that they are referred to by first names, as is the partner thus they are on equal footing.
Do your kids call their friends parent's by first name?
Do they call you and their mother by first name?
Their teachers?
Even Aunts and Uncles are "Aunt Catherine and Uncle Bob" not just Catherine and Bob.
Every adult in these kids life has a title that tells them "behave or else" except your partner: she is only a first name, an equal so they don't have to worry about getting in trouble if they do not behave for her. And be honest dad, if it is your SO saying one thing and your kids saying the opposit, you side with your kids don't you?

2) Take off the rose tinted glasses. Continued use of them will result in:
a) an adult child that will be living with you long past your retirement age due to you NOT preparing them to be an adult.
b) a lonely bed as your partner finally gets fed up and walks.
c) your child getting ill and having health problems that will cost you plenty due to obesity and lack of hygiene. (Lazy and grubby you said: that is the start, obesity and filth are towards the finish line. At the finish line? Bedsores, edema, diabetes, high blood pressure, glaucoma, renal failure, heart disease, sleep apnea... get the idea? Good now get your daughter OFF the couch).

3) Honest question: If your partner asked you to ship the kids to BM's for a weekend (that you were supposed to have them) would you be willing to do it?

No? Shame on you. If you aren't willing to let them go on your time for her, you should not be willing to take them on her time for your exwife.

Yes? Would you call BM first and make sure she is free? Make sure that her having the kids that weekend, when it is not "her time" is not interfering with her plans? That she will be home to watch them?

Of course you would. Not like you can just drive over to BM's house and dump the kids on the porch and tell your exwife "Tag your it 3 days early!"

But notice: you would have that chat with BM. Common courtesy to ask if it is ok. Do you have plans. You can be that polite to the exwife and offer that courtesy to her but you could not offer it to your live in partner.

Your partner loves you.

If you are extremely lucky and YOU are a good parent that sets rules, boundaries and expectations for your children: and you follow through with discipline when those rules, boundaries or expectations are broken/ not met: then your SO may come to like and/or love your children.

Aim for the three of them tolerating each other: step to the plate and give your daughters the father they NEED and your SO the partner she DESERVES and your home life will smooth out.

Keep going the way you are: and your hell has only just started.

Marriage/Partner = #1 Priority
Kids = #1 Responsibility

I read that in another post and I completely agree!!!!

It DOESN'T mean that you love your kids any less, your responsibility is to love them, raise them, support them, teach them, etc. and then they MOVE ON with THEIR lives!!!

After that all that is left at the end of the day is YOU and YOUR PARTNER/RELATIONSHIP....you need to put your relationship with someone that you want/intend to spend the rest of your life with FIRST otherwise when the kids are grown and gone and doing their own thing you will be alone!!!

Just saying....

OP, while it might feel like you're being attacked, you really are getting kind, thoughtful advice.

Being a Disney Daddy doesn't literally require trips and merchandise to qualify as one.

By being the Guilty Daddy, you are creating a sense of entitlement in your kids. This is not going to serve them well in the future. The way you do or don't parent your child(ren) might be what GF dislikes moreso than the daughter herself. Happens all up and down this site.

By disrespecting your GF, you are not modeling what a healthy, loving relationship looks like. This is not going to serve them well in the future either.

It's a shortcoming of the English language that we only have one word for 'love'. Greek, and other languages, have completely separate words for romantic love, family love, love of mankind. Comparing the relationship with a spouse to the relationship of a child would be like comparing apples to oranges. So since they're not even in the same context, each can be a priority in its own way. And in some situations, like the plans for quality time with GF, one priority will get the attention, and in other situations it will be the other. It shouldn't be like 1st and 2nd priority. It should be like left and right priority. Or Priority A and Priority Green...as in two separate, non-comparable priorities.

Good on you OP, though, for taking the effort to try to figure this out. Shows you're not completely clueless and that you do care.

Your partner not liking your daughter is easy to understand after you explained how you are constantly putting your kids over her. It sounds like what your partner is feeling is that she is being treated unfairly by YOU and she may be taking it out on the kid rather than taking it out on you. When you are married, your spouse is supposed to come first. It is not healthy for anyone (you, your wife or your kids) to put the kids first. Obviously there are situations where an issue with the kids will have to be put first; I just mean in general, your wife should be your priority. If you are not ready or willing to put her first, you should probably save you both the heartache (and headache!) and not get married at all. It is not right for you to cancel plans with your wife when you have the opportunity to get your kids. You say no, I already have plans the way you would with anyone else. I know you don’t want to hear this, but stepmoms LIVE for the day the stepkids go back to their bio moms house, so for you to tell her out of the blue you are keeping them must have been INFURIATING to your partner. My DH was like you in the beginning (we have been together for 3 years) and he still has his moments, but has gotten better with his daddy/daughter issues. Nothing I said or did worked though; I had to haul his butt off to counseling- I think hearing the truth from a neutral third party is what helped. I definitely recommend counseling. Best of luck and I truly hope you can learn you put your partner first like she deserves!