My children are all adults now, but I'm stuck with my husband's immature kids
Hi! I'm new here, and it looks like this site might help me. I've been with my SO for six years now, five years living together and then married. My kids were S32(developmentally disabled), S16, and D13 when we first met. His kids were SD6, and SS9 when we met. At first, when we were dating, things seemed to be okay. His kids and my kids seemed to get along, and I did a lot for all 5 kids. I shopped for and bought birthday and Christmas gifts for all of the kids with my money, and I didn't mind...at first! After a year of dating, SO and I moved in together. I had full custody of my kids, so they lived with us. He sees his kids every other weekend. That's when the problems started surfacing. When the skids came for their weekend visits, they would use my oldest son's bedroom because he would stay at his grandparent's house by his own choice. I started to notice that food wrappers would be under the bed, poop balls were on the floor one day, and the remotes would always be lost after they left. I confronted my husband about these things after a while, and then he approached the skids. They lied and said it must have been my son who did it. I knew it couldn't be my son because this stuff never happened until skids used the room. That was the beginning of my not liking the skids. They even called my son retarded. That's ironic since my son is neat, clean, knows how to take a shower, and organize his room. The skids never take showers, wash their faces, or brush their teeth when their here. SD sleeps in her clothes and wears the same outfit all week. The same toothpaste tube has been in their bathroom for 2 years. SD even gave my daughter lice. I love my husband and want to support him with his kids, but I am so totally disgusted with them. It's come to the point where I can't even look at them. If my husband says their names or talks about them when their not here, I feel like puking. I don't buy gifts or anything else anymore for the skids. I stopped because my husband's ex, the skids BM, had my husband's pay attached for child support. He was paying before that, but sometimes would get behind because he's a teacher and doesn't work in the summer, except for landscaping. Things are very tight, but there's just no leeway with her! She even makes more than my husband and I combined. Now, she's assured her $600 a month, but that leaves us with very little extra money. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about the support. I'm proud of my husband for taking responsibility for his kids. My husband gets paid every other week, so a major problem we're having right now is that the skids come on the week their dad doesn't get paid, and he's broke by then. I refuse to buy food out of my money for his kids. I'll even leave the refrigerator and cupboards empty by either not buying any food or hiding the food I buy. This may sound mean, but when I was filling the refrigerator and cabinets, they would eat everything. They would go through the kitchen like locusts, and we'd be cleaned out of everything by Monday morning. The worst thing is when I would pick up a box of cereal for breakfast, there would be 3 or 4 mini wheats in the box for example. They think that's enough to leave for another person? It's an insult in my eyes. Last year, I didn't purchase any Christmas gifts with my money for the skids, and my husband only bought a couple of things for each. The SD got so mad, she called her mother to come pick them up. The mother refused, but we couldn't take the skids back home because our car didn't have brakes. BM said "you have a two-income family, call a cab!" We couldn't afford that either, so she finally agreed to come and get them. I don't plan on buying anything for the skids this Christmas either. The way I look at it is they're not my kids. They have a mother and a father. Let them buy the stuff. They decided to have the kids, now take responsibility for them. The BM is never even home for her kids. They're dirty, overweight, and rude because they get no guidance at home. My husband doesn't blame me for disliking them. He loves his kids but does not like the people they are becoming. He is constantly disciplining them when they're here to the point where they think we're both sticks-in-the-mud. My husband finally got them to only drink one gallon of Tampico on the weekend and the rest has to be water. They were going through a gallon a day! After months of pleading with BM, my husband finally got her to switch weekends to my husband's pay week. I believe she was stalling because it just so happened that the skids came every 3-day weekend during the year, and she didn't want to give that up. I think my feelings towards them are worse now because my kids are grown. My daughter, who is 19 now, moved out in May after she graduated college. My son, who is 23 now, is leaving for the Air Force in December. I have my 38 year old son still at home with me, but like I said, he's not home on weekends, and he goes to a day program every day. I hardly see him! I'm in a hurry for the skids to grow up and stop coming to our house. But they are so immature it's unbelievable. SD is 12 1/2 but acts about 8. SS is 15 but acts about 11. I honestly resent the fact that I've mothered 3 wonderful kids into adulthood, but now I'm stuck with the skids. I don't want to be included in any activities my husband plans with them, so I encourage him to go alone. I miss my kids, and I know this is going to sound kind of weird, but if I went with the skids, I would feel like I'm cheating on my kids. Is this normal? I just wish the skids were grown too because I did my job as a mother, and I don't want to do anymore for the skids. I want alone time with SO now.
LOL...my skids still are the
LOL...my skids still are the same age as when I met them...mentally!
One weekend I really let them
One weekend I really let them have it. My daughter was going through her old toys in the basement and took some boxes up into the kitchen to go through and decide what she wanted to keep for her future kids. When the skids came over, they immediately went over to the boxes to decide what they wanted to play with. They didn't ask of course. I said "Excuse me, but no one is getting anything out of those boxes. Those are my daughter's things. You two have enough at home. Tell your mother to buy toys for you. Aren't you getting a little too big for toys anyway?" Then I grabbed a game out of one box and stormed upstairs with it, just for effect. I didn't bother with them for the rest of the weekend. It felt great!
I'm new here too. My BD18
I'm new here too.
My BD18 just left for college (paying for everything herself). My other BD16 takes all honors classes (Straight A's), works 20 hrs/week and is very involved in Student Council/Teen leadership..etc. She is already mapping out college plans.
Their BF is a loser, druggie, in and out of their lives - I receive no support whatsoever. I had been single 7 yrs when I met my now DH. My girls learned early they needed to have a plan in life...they watched their mother struggle with 2 (sometimes 3) jobs. They have gone without.
SD21 has been in college for 4 yrs and still has 2 more to go (because she transferred to a 30K/yr university which didn't transfer any community college credits). She "stays" with her boyfriend (her stuff is in our basement) but we have to keep her stinky dog because her other dog will eat him. She only works 10 hrs/week because college is so hard.
SS18 just graduated high school, lives in our basement, works 20 hrs/week and treats our home like a hotel he doesn't pay for. He is a punk. His goal in life is to become a cast member of Jackass. He will live in our basement until someone says he can't.
SS15 also lives in our basement. He plays video games 24/7 and eats everything he can find. He does okay in school...but will not challenge himself to any honors classes or extra curricular activities. His goal in life is to be a sniper.
Their BM repeatedly cheated on DH...and eventually left him. They had been divorced for under a year when we met. BM already had wedding plans.
DH and I have been together 2 yrs, married for 1. When we moved in together, we were only supposed to have my 2 BD's and his 17 yr old punk (SS18). I figured his punk would move out after graduation...I'd only have to deal with him for one year. Then crap happened and we got the other SD and SS. That is why they are all crammed into our basement.
We have lived in our house for 1 year. I do not go into the basement because it is so completely disgusting.
I am now surrounded by skids and dogs. Our kids hate each other.
I am sick and tired of looking at the slobby skids. I am tired of cooking for them. I am tired of the disrespectful punk. I am sick of SS15 following me around like a puppy because he is so socially inept he has no friends.
I am sick of my DH making any comparison of his kids to mine. Mine are smart. Mine are responsible. Mine help out around the house.
I feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life by marrying. I do not want to raise his kids. I did not want to cook and clean up after all of these people and their dogs. I don't even have the energy to discuss my feelings with DH. I think I could if we ever had enough alone time on a daily basis for a very lengthy discussion. We are too busy and their isn't enough time for US. I hate that.
I just want to go back to my uncomplicated life.
I love my husband...but am building up a bunch of resentment toward him.
Thankfully I found these forums as I pull my hair out (and add it to the dog hair covering my house) while trying to decide if i should cut my losses and run now.
I totally understand! I'm
I totally understand! I'm thankful I found this forum too because I was feeling so alone. Now that my kids have grown, I look back at the last 6 years and wish I would have remained a single parent and spent my time just on my own kids. I feel like I've missed out on a lot now, and I will always regret it. My kids also don't like their stepsiblings and never really have. They could see them for what they really are because they weren't blinded by love! I'm not even putting up a Christmas tree this year because my kids won't be here. The skids and their dad can put the tree up...if the skids can figure out how!
It's wonderful to know others
It's wonderful to know others think/feel the same crazy way I do...LOL.
Yep, my kids see his kids for the rude, spoiled and entitled children they are.
Now DH is hinting at allowing SD21 to have my daughter's bedroom (since BD18 is away at college). No freaking way that's gonna happen.
GRRRRRRRR.
I need to own stock in Calgon....
About a month after my
About a month after my daughter moved out, I started making her bedroom into my "office and sewing room". I kept everything she left in the room out of respect, but I moved my computer and sewing machine in there. There's no way either one of those dirty skids are going into my daughter's room. Now, to figure out what I'm going to do when my son leaves in December! It's good to relate to others on here. I was starting to think I was becoming a monster, but it's nice to know that my thoughts are normal!
Your story sounds like mine!
Your story sounds like mine! The only difference is that the sshits10/15 dont live with us..yet..dh is convinced that he is going to get them both away from their bm so they can move in with us..Oh Hell NO! My dh will be single again if that happens! Having to deal with the disgusting sshits every weekend is enough!
I have feel I made a big mistake marrying too! I will not raise his kids! I will not cook for his trough eating slobs. I will not pick up after his stinky lumps! I feel I have severely let my two bio sons down by getting married. I have missed out on alot the last year by trying to not only learn how to be a wife but by trying to be sm to the two sshits.
Best of luck dear! }:)
Good luck! I would become
Good luck! I would become single again too! I don't want to raise my skids either. Whoever made them has to raise them!
My skids already seem to be
My skids already seem to be trying to extend their childhoods. Yup...the nerve and disrespect shows here as well. At BM's house, the skids have a pool, go on lots of vacations, they go out to eat almost every night, they have smart phones, and freedom to do whatever they want. At our house, they say they're bored. My kids learned to live without much, and they're better people because of that. My husband will even let the skids use our DVD player while they're here, and we're left without one. They even broke the player, so now the draw doesn't open automatically with the button anymore. You have to pry it open with your fingers. They're either too immature to take care of anything or they don't appreciate anything because they have too much at home. If I buy something, I will not let them borrow it. We can't compete with their lifestyle here nor can we replace what gets broken.
I was reading your blog and
I was reading your blog and could not believe how similar your life is to what my life used to be. Don't feel bad about not stocking the fridge when they are at your house. I did that for many many years. I just recently started stocking the fridge again because it seems the Skids have outgrown their desire to eat us out of house and home. I fully believe they ate that way because their mom wouldn't buy groceries. Since SS20 now lives with us, he's used to seeing food and doesn't eat out of gluttony. SD12 doesn't eat like she used to. Again, I think she's gotten over the phase of having to eat everything she could in 2 days and now only eats if she's hungry. My BS26 and BS24 both live on their own. At home we have SS20 and my BS14. We get SD12 EOW. DH used to get paid bi-weekly and like you, SD would come on the week when he DIDN'T get paid. So if we wanted to go anywhere or do anything, it would have to come out of my paycheck as DHs check was already down to his lunch money for the following week. Since than his pay has been switched to weekly, so in that aspect things are better. My SS20 is a slob. I have accepted the fact that he will always be a slob. His mother is a slob, it is how he was raised, it's tough to teach new ways after the age of 16. He moved in with us at that age, when I scream bloody murder, he cleans his room. Does he clean the way I like? Nope, but he listens to me & doesn't disrespect me. I'm content with that. SD12 is also very messy. However, she too respects me. In my home that is all I ask for. If I were to be honest, I'd have to say that I get more respect from my Skids than I do from my own 14 year old. Although we are working on that. Last time he mouthed off I got all in his face & promised him I would leave him toothless. He has since refrained from being a nasty teen with me. Your alone time with SO isn't happening for a long time. I have accepted that fact as well, because SD is only 12. SS is closer to leaving but I'm pretty sure we'll have him for another few years before he's ready to be on his own. And like I said I have a 14 year old at home that I'm in no hurry to get rid of. He's my baby (despite being a fucking brat). I say, find time for yourself when the skids are there. Go see a movie, have dinner with girlfriends, plan little weekend get aways, try to be as absent as possible when the Skids are there. That way, you're not obligated to mother them. God Luck & don't worry, it does get better. Eventually. If you don't kill somebody before than.
I feel a little bit more
I feel a little bit more hopeful now that BM has agreed to switch weekends to hubby's pay week. I'm going to take your suggestion and go out this coming weekend while the skids are here. I'm making plans already! My oldest son will still live with me because of his disability, and I'm in no hurry for him to go anywhere. I've thought about apartment programs but not as long as the skids are in the picture!
I can identify with your
I can identify with your position - my bio daughters were about 18 and 20 when I met my DH, and his daughters were 5 and 7. The SDs are now nearly 16 and 17, and they act like much younger children. They come here EOW, and I have really had enough - he behaves like an indulgent Disney Dad and spoils them no end. Despite private education they are both underachievers, both diagnosed with ADHD, whereas my girls both got good degrees and went to state schools.
I tend to get ignored when the SDs are here, even if I am ill, like I was last weekend with flu - I will be sure to treat DH like I got treated, next time he is ill!
Wow...you have 10 years under
Wow...you have 10 years under your belt already! I feel ignored as well when the skids are here. SO is always worried they'll be so bored that they won't want to come to our house anymore. I'm worried that day will never come! The sooner they get sick of coming here, the better!
I am also ignored when more
I am also ignored when more than one skid is around. I've been reading about the disengaged concept. I love it. I am going to try to work this into my life...then maybe all of the bs wouldn't bother me so much!
I've disengaged. Aside from
I've disengaged. Aside from feeling a little guilty about spending a lot of time alone in my room or somewhere else, it feels great! SO does all of the cooking and kitchen cleaning now when HIS kids are here. Disengagement is the best concept ever when dealing with skids!
He agrees with me about
He agrees with me about almost everything...But, he blames their behavior and lack of hygiene on the mother! One time when I complained about something, he wrote BM's phone number down and told me to call her. Needless to say, a big argument came out of that. It's up to him to control them when they're in our house. Period!
They will never get sick of
They will never get sick of going to your house. Because they get what they want at your house. They don't care how you feel. In their eyes, that's their dads house and you just live there. Even if it's YOUR home. Yup, that's really how those little buggers think.I have been a SM for 12 years. That's why I tell you that it does get better. Although, I'm afraid of the teenage years with SD. I only have boys and I hear girls are nightmarish. I guess we'll have to wait & see.
I found that what made things better for me was letting go of as much as I could. Which for someone like me is VERY tough to do. I'm a serial control freak. Like, SCARY control freak.
Look at it as 6 days out of the month that you get to do things YOU want to do. Get a massage, take a Yoga class, go do your hair, find a friend and take a nice walk in the park, sit on a bench and have a latte while you watch the leaves fall.
If you look at it like that, it stings a lot less.
As far as your kids remotes go, get a tray and tell Skids that before they leave your home the remotes need to be in that tray. Even if they need to look for them for an entire day. Set rules, make them follow.
I'm glad you pointed out that
I'm glad you pointed out that the skids don't care how i feel. That's exactly what gives me the ability to not care how they feel! Unfortunately, I also think they'll never get sick of coming here. Their dad will force them to come to our house anyway, even if they said they didn't want to.
In all honesty, it's not a
In all honesty, it's not a Skid thing. Most kids could give a shit how adults feel. Unless you're blessed with naturally caring children, you'll find that most kids only care about affects them. Everything else is just white noise.
Agreed!
Agreed!
I'm glad she pointed that out
I'm glad she pointed that out too! My skids will never tire of living here because they get to do what they want, when they want and have no responsibilities. I'm making plans to be gone one maybe two nights a week! How exciting!!!
I call them sloths! Getting
I call them sloths! Getting away is the best thing!
You already sound better.
You already sound better. Good for you! Go enjoy your free time!
Job well done mom on raising
Job well done mom on raising such wonderful kids! We need alot more bio moms like you in this world!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Yeah I had my own wonderful
Yeah I had my own wonderful bio daughter early 20's, skids late 20's,then had our two son's early to mid thirties, our son's are 11&13 and now DH is a grandfather, there has been no break in between my, his and ours and now a grandskid, all I can say is arghhhhh- I don't want to be a granny anything, this whole skid saga just passes through to the next generation of grandskiddy- I love my DH but as years pass I know I have a lot of resentment directed at him, once our boys are grown I will be in a position to leave it all behind me as there is no way on earth i will leave him now so those skids and grandskiddy have an impact on our boys.
I say never ever get involved with a man with kids, something that I have instilled in my daughter and to my son's about been involved with someone who has skids. You will have the life sucked from you. A life with skids is not a fulfilled life.
I envy you coconut! I wish I
I envy you coconut! I wish I would have been able to stick to my logical thoughts rather than listening to what my heart said. In hindsight, I wouldn't have gotten married or moved in with DH until all of our kids were grown.
In hindsight, I wouldn't have
In hindsight, I wouldn't have gotten married or moved in with DH until all of our kids were grown.
^^^ EXACTLY!!! I always said that I didn't want to marry until my kids were grown. I wish that I would have made sure HIS kids were grown and out of the house also.
Very, very smart move , keep
Very, very smart move , keep your independence of your own place and maybe keep a look out for a man without skids as that is truly the only way you will find true happiness without the constant wmotional pull of skids, just wait until the grandskiddy comes along, it just goes up another level I know my partner and I would be perfect if not for the skids and the upset it has caused. The only thing is to be careful, as years pass you by quickly and he might like the set up now but eventually if u do move in with him those adult skids will never be accepting ever of you as daddy has always been at their peck and call. I so hate skids, what a waste of a life.
I totally agree! I should of
I totally agree! I should of thought with my head instead of my heart too....I am very much in love with my DH...just not the kiddies! Speaking of....they will be here in five minutes for a total of 92 hours...GIVE ME STRENGTH!
Thank god for ST!!