Am I Overeacting HONEST ANSWERS I CAN HANDLE IT
Ok. I had several discussions with live in bf and his parenting style. Our relationship is on shaky grounds and I have been looking for places to stay so I can move out. We have his son 50%.I just got him to have a 9:30 bedtime in which my bf puts him in bed at 9:30 and leaves the tv on all night for him to go to sleep. That's not even the problem. Latest: Boy wakes up every night 2 times usually midnight and 4am. EVERY NIGHT of the 50% of the time we have him. I have to be up at 6am in the morning to get my daughter to school age 17. Every morning I wake up I am tired because his son knocks on the door to wake his dad up and my bf gets out of our bed to go sleep in the bed with his son until he falls back to sleep. Sometimes, he stays in his bed and doesn't return. I've told my bf several times how he is suppose to be raising a boy and he has to learn how to funtion on his own and conquer his fears. I just became so upset that I told my bf that I am leaving, I don't want to have sex with him anymore and everything from now on will be an arrangement. Of course this is not the only issue but I swear I am fed up.
Over reacting
Over reacting
How old is his son? Sorry, I
How old is his son?
Sorry, I do not know what is going on that is upsetting you. Its common to disagree with a partners parenting especially in cases of being a step parent.
He is 8.
He is 8.
I am happy that my daughter
I am happy that my daughter was very independent as a child and still is as a young adult. I focus more on being her mother and not her best friend. My daughter at five went to sleep in her own bed and own room, dressed herself in the morning and made herself instant oatmeal for breakfast with water out of the refrigerator. That's why I don't understand when people don't prepare their kids and teach them how to be independent and conquer their fears. Boys especially need to grow up to be protectors, respectful, and gentleman. We are not suppose to baby them of course unless they are babies. I am sorry but maybe I am being to harsh,but I don't want no scary kid.
Thanks Echo, It's EVERY
Thanks Echo,
It's EVERY NIGHT... not every once in a while. I can understand every once in a while like stormy weather, nightmare after scary movie, bad day or whatever. EVERY NIGHT? then he ends up sleeping in the bed with him all night because he is too tired to get up and get back in his own bed because he has to get up early in the morning as well. He too is tired of it but just refuses to fix it.
Thanks for the research Echo
Agree with previous 2
Agree with previous 2 posters. I never allowed my (now adult) bio kids to sleep in our bed unless they were very poorly - it will become a habit difficult to break. I wouldn't allow even very young kids to do this, never mind an 8 year old. All they need is a little reassurance and walk them back to their own bed.
Anything else is making a rod for your own back.
If the sleeping arrangement
If the sleeping arrangement is the biggest issue, that will pass in a matter of years. I happen to disagree with parents laying in bed with their kids at any age unless its due to a tragic event but even at that - for maybe a night or two at most. I know parents that do, kids now are being more & more coddled. Just my opinion.
Starla, I wish sleeping
Starla,
I wish sleeping arrangements were the biggest issue. Wait: just to think two months ago he was actually sleeping in the bed with us, so I guess I am making progress (sarcastic but serious). His son actually use to sleep in the bed with us up until two months ago. The largest problem is the BM collecting $1,300 per month in child support yet sending her son to school in too small shoes or clothing with holes in it and searching for my private information on the internet so she could email me at my place of employment. Yes, she actually emailed me at work to tell me that she just stopped sleeping with my bf 6 months before he met me. Yet they were divorced 6 years ago. (Let me also tell you that my bf never told me he was having sex with his BM long after they divorced). I definitely would NOT have moved in with him after knowing that and he obviously chose not to tell me. Wait I forgot calling my bf at 1:30 in the morning to ask his contact information for son school card and finding out that this was really supposed to be a booty call. These are the large things I also have several smaller things
1. boy talks back and is very disrespectful does the same with mom and at school
2. bf uses the money I pay for my half of the bills and spends it on his son while neglecting the food that we are suppose to have in the refrigerator and took me out to dinner only to have a $74 dollar meal be declined on his debit card and I ended up paying for it.
3. The BM just bought a brand new house, yet my extra money was used to make sure her son had proper clothing and shoes to wear to school. (yet I would like to buy myself a new car)
4. Did I mention my bf his a principal of a school and makes $100,000 a year. Why is a $74 meal being declined? Why doesn't he know better not to feed his already hyper kid cupcakes and smore pies for breakfast. Then he wonders why he can't pay attention in school.
5. Bf spends too much money over the child support and doesn't hold the BM responsible for paying for extras like hair cuts, costumes, cakes for school, extra curricular activities
6. forgot the mother told the day care not to allow me to pick him up from day care because she should be the next point of contact. Yet, I take his son to school EVERY morning and get hima balanced breakfast and get him dressed in nice clean clothes that I pay for.Oh and BTW she loves the clothes I buy so much that she keeps them at her house and sends over her cheap clothes with the holes in them. Refuses to send the good clothes back.
These are just a few I could go on and on...
Maybe you should transform
Maybe you should transform your bf into an ex-bf?
Because you really don't sound happy with the way things are. Why stick it out if it's so horrible?
Being cheated on would be a deal breaker for me. You know if they do it once and get away with it they're going to do it again.
He didn't cheat on me at
He didn't cheat on me at least not that I know of. I just thinks she wanted me to know that they were sleeping together shortly before he met me and that she is more than an ex-wife she is also an wx gf and booty call which explains why her behavior was not of a concerned parent and more like a crazy ex gf.
Honestly, who cares if they
Honestly, who cares if they were still sleeping together?
You weren't with him so it really shouldn't concern you.
If you're bothered by buying the boys clothes, stop buying them clothes. Dad pays for extras, let him pay for extras. It's his money, if he meets his half of the bills he can do whatever the hell he wants with what's left over.
What BM has or doesn't have is none of your business. Beating yourself up over it just makes you sound like a jealous crazy person. It's their kid, let them provide and take care of them then you can keep your precious pennies in your own purse where they belong.
First of all, she obviously
First of all, she obviously felt it mattered because she searched the internet to get my work email in order to tell me. Therefore, it must have mattered to her. lol
Obviously, he is not meeting his half of the bills or responsibilities of the relationship if our meals are being declined on his debit card and he didn't put his half on the groceries to be in the refrigerator. Everybody else in the house will not go without in order for his already well provided for son to get EXTRAS.
I don't care what she has, I care that bf expects me to go without in order for them to have more. My precious pennies now remain in my purse and instead of giving him money for the groeceries I go to the store myself and that way I KNOW the food is in the house.
So.. why are you with him,
So.. why are you with him, again?
My point exactly. Had I known
My point exactly. Had I known then what I know now then I wouldn't be with him now and Now that I know I am searching for a new place. I feel bad for my daughter mostly because I don't want to keep changing her residence so often it's not fair to her because I made a bad choice. I stay to keep her in a stable environment since she graduates in June. Yes she is also graduating a year early. I was trying to fake it until I make it but I am obviously not very good at.
Maybe your daughter hates the
Maybe your daughter hates the guy and his son too, and would be happy to leave. How do you know you're doing her a favor by staying?
Have you ever met a guy who
Have you ever met a guy who will make sure he gets along well with your kid because he knows he has issues? My bf is not a bad guy but he is a bad parent and the bad parenting and decisions carry over into our relationship. My daughter and my bf gets along very well and although we have issues we hardly ever argue about them. We voice our opinions and concerns and then we are finished. They might now ever get solved or have temporary bandages but we don't argue much. My daughter doesn't see it to be any problem. In addition, his residence is close to her bf's house so with her busy schedule and he bf's busy schedule it makes it easier for her to have a social life.
She's less than a year away
She's less than a year away from being a fully fledged adult. I'm sure she can handle it.
It'll probably be better. At least this way she can get her own room at -your- place, establish it as hers so when she comes home to visit it'll actually be home instead of a strange new environment she hasn't made her mark on.
Yes. I think you are right.
Yes. I think you are right. She could handle it and I am going to make sure I never put myself in a predictament like this ever again.
Im not sure that you are
Im not sure that you are overreacting. My DH used to let SD leave her TV on all night while she slept. Her room is very close to ours and it would seriously keep me up. (she had it on very very loud) I think having to go to sleep to a tv being on is a bad habit. Maybe you guys should try some white noise or a cd with nature sounds to keep the child asleep? THis works wonders with my two month old baby. If she does wake up during the night, I check on her, pat her behind and then leave. She since has learned to sooth herself back to sleep without me. This might be the problem with your stepchild's night waking in that he never learned to self soothe, and can't get himself back to sleep when he wakes up without your bf.
Your daughter is 17. Is she
Your daughter is 17. Is she not able to get herself to school?
Most 17 year olds I've seen can do this and thensome. Have you tried putting her on public transport? Does she have a bicycle or a driver's licence?
My daughter has a car but
My daughter has a car but it's winter time where I live and I don't allow her to drive on the freeway in the winter especially that far. She is a new driver and just turned 17 20 days ago. My daughter doesn't ride public transportation and never have and as long as God continues to bless me she never will. I moved from my place to live with my bf which is 35 min away on the freeway. Part of the agreement was if we moved with him he would take her to school and I would take his son. After the BM pulled that day care stunt, I decided he should take his own son to school and I take my daughter. I have to now leave out for work 1 hour and 1/2 early so I can take her to school and make it to work on time which is why I don't want to be waken up out of my sleep.
Being a veteran of public
Being a veteran of public transportation as a pre teen up until I bought my first car (because I had that amazing ability to get places without being taxi'd by my parents, even in winter! Shocking, right?), I don't think there's anything wrong with it.
Are you one of those people obsessed with money, unnecessarily huge cars and look down your nose at us common folk who dare take the bus or the subway because it's oh so disgusting?
Am I a low life or are you an obnoxious twunt?
No I am one of those parents
No I am one of those parents who will make sure my daughter arrives anywhere she is going safely. No matter how I feel I need to do it. Besides, who are you to make a generalization about me without knowing what type of city I live in or neighborhood for that matter? For all you know I could live in the projects and want to keep her from the local drug dealers and pimps.. How do you even know that public transportation is available for where my daughter needs to go? BTW good for you but my daughter doesn't have the time to ride public transportation even if I wanted her too. She earned herself a full scholarship to play basketball in college and she is an honors student. Therefore her schedule is too tight to depend on public transportation and she is there too late so traveling in the dark is absolutely out of the question. Thanks for your comment
Based on his salary which you
Based on his salary which you are so keen to point out.. combined with yours since you're spending a fortune and the fact that your household has at least three cars, I can make a safe generalisation that you do not live in the projects around the local drug dealers and pimps.
Common sense.
Common Sense? Ha you are
Common Sense? Ha you are funny. Since when are people obligated to make their kids ride public transportation? Based on his salary it must not mean much if his debit card is being declined for $74. My card is not being declined and it will not be declined in order to take care of his BM and kid. Period that's me using my common sense. Thank you!
Regardless, WTF are you doing
Regardless, WTF are you doing with this dude? Sounds like you're unhappy, and most people here have justified you being unhappy. Next step is to either leave, or learn to live with things as they are.
So you DO live in the
So you DO live in the projects with the drug dealers and pimps? Unlucky!
But seriously, if it's that bad- leave. I don't understand why people with -this- much resentment bother to stay. According to your posts he cares more about BM than he cares about you so leave him to it. It's that simple.
Too funny!!!!
Too funny!!!!
I am not going to tell you
I am not going to tell you that you're over reacting, because I don't know all the other factors contributing to your irritation with this. I know that sometimes I have snapped over far less important things in the past. My SS is 10... if DH had to get up 2x a night to sleep with him, I'd probably flip my shit too. At 8 years old, he should be able to sleep through the night.
On the flip side: I don't know that I would leave my DH over this. My DH would probably agree with me that its unusual behavior and tell SS that if he woke up in the night, he was not permitted to knock on our door unless it was an emergency. My DH also would NOT enable the behavior by sleeping in bed with an 8 year old boy. Sounds like the more frustrating part would be that your BF is not respecting your sleep needs and enabling immature behavior. If he's doing this in other areas of your relationship, I can understand why you're frustrated to this extent.
With all of that being said,
With all of that being said, no you are not over reacting nor are crazy. That would down right piss me off if I had to put up with it. I'm not sure how or where your bf stands with it or how he is supportive of you.
Not married, can you & your bf keep your money separated? Its not easy separating money yet feeling united I understand, & I would try a couple other things first if it were me.
About the child support & clothes, we went through the same thing only the BM claimed that we were stealing their other clothes. I sat my Skids down & explained that their mom is upset with us for not returning their other clothes so we are going to change that. With a permanent marker, we put the letter D on off of their tags down to the bottom of every sock. Said "Now the D stands for dads, the clothes are yours only they stay at dads when you see the letter D". We are marking the clothes only to make it easier to remember what comes or goes. That put an end to buying two sets of wardrobes per kid which turned out to be nice.
As for your bf laying in bed coddling his son, I'm sorry but not much you can do there that I know of anyways. That is great though that this kid no longer sleeps in your bed! Shows that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
You want to get some where further with your bf? I'm sure you tried with all your might, just NEVER NEVER NEVER hold sex over his head. That is setting yourself up for failure. There is something you can do using sex though...& I'm probably going to get chewed out for even thinking this way but I have done it & seen it work. Sex can be used as a reward if you do it right! Have sex as usual in-between using it as a reward which I like to think of it as giving my partner motivation. For example, your bf handles his son to your satisfaction..let him know your proud inside & out. It leaves him feeling secure vs corrected. Now I could be wrong with the sex as a reward/motivation thing but I like the results in the long run & so has my husband. He has became a secure man, less guilt ridden as a parent, & has found the strength to step up only wishing that he would of done so sooner. It sounds like your bf wants to be a good dad but feels torn between you & being a dad of a broken family which is hard on a guy. I think that he feels to much guilt & probably does not know what to do about it.
As for the BM - keep out of it as best as you can. She sounds horrible & you don't need that drama. Her not allowing you to pick up this child from day care, she views you as a threat. Take it as a compliment coming from her. I think she will continue to attempt getting under your skin. Does not mean that you need to fall for it. If you let her get to you, then you are letting her win. I understand exactly how tough it is not being upset by BM for I have been there & done that but I decided that BM don't deserve my energy.
Hope that helps a little at least
ask more questions if you like & if you need to just vent, I will be happy to listen!
Ms Kaye, if I were you I'd
Ms Kaye, if I were you I'd get on the intercom at SS school and announce "(SS name) sleeps in the same bed with his Daaaady! They sleep penis to penis every night! Isn't that SPECIAL?!?" The kid needs some good old fashioned peer pressure. BTW I'd leave if I was you. Your daughter sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders, she'll understand. She might even be relieved.Good luck girl.