Do you get upset if your Husband/BF takes SS for extra Days?
I just want some input on rather other people get upset if they have their SS for extra days. I am starting to feel like I am over reacting because my bf keep telling me I am. We already have the ss8 50/50, so I can't understand why she would even agree to allowing the father more days. I don't think as a mother I would be able to do 50/50 let alone additional time. My bf doesn't care because he is happy as long as he gets to spend more time with his son. He doesn't care that she gets $1,300 per month and we have to pay for additional expenses while he is at our house. I told Bf last night that I will have nothing else to do with his son and if he has activities or anything else to do than he needs to work it out with his sons mother. My boyfriends response "I am shocked". Well as long as you stay here I will ask if I need assistance". My reply "You can ask all you want because my answer will be no. AND I am prepared to leave anytime if you have a problem with that". He had nothing left to say and went to bed.
I hate having these conversations and not being heard. That's why I have disengaged because somehow actions do speak louder than words.
Yes, I absolutely hated it
Yes, I absolutely hated it when SD was always around. In the beginning, they allowed SD to choose when she wanted to visit. She was with us EVERY OTHER DAY! It sucked ass. And then there were weekends we'd have plans because she wanted to stay with mom, and then at the last minute, she'd change her mind and DH would allow it. I had to put my foot down and say something. Yes, it's your daughter. Yes, you're divorced and no longer live with her. Yes, I understand you're hurting. However; WE have a relationship now and if we make plans, she doesn't get to change her mind and ruin them. If YOU want to live your life catering to HER needs - have at it but I guarantee you won't find a woman willing to put up with that shit.
He stopped. Then he went to the every other week 50/50 Court ordered visitation. That made things easier because we could make definite plans and he still saw her very often. Then she decided she wanted to spend more time at BM's and all went downhill from there.
A lot was done and said over the summer, and now SD isn't even allowed over to our place anymore. He goes to visit her, takes her to his dad's and grandparent's or to the mall or whatever, but can't trust her to they're always in a public place or with other family members. Yes, it's sad but SD brought it upon herself with her constant lying.
Anyhow, you need to stand your ground (God it seems like I'm a broken record with that phrase here nowadays). No, it's NOT your responsibility to take care of the kid, have the kid around on BM's days, etc. So sorry if your BF can't understand or grasp the concept that the kid has 2 parents and they are the ones with the responsibility.
Good luck with that situation. I doubt it'll get any better unless he gets his head out of his ass and sets some boundaries!
Yes I do for many reasons. 1)
Yes I do for many reasons. 1) We are not a babysitting service so the C&^t can go out with her married BF 2) she thinks she is entilted to it, you see when you leave the relationship you are no longer entilted to the privalges that come with a 2 parent home. 3) when he asks for extra time it is always denied unless it benifits her some way. 4) my kids are older so I have the plivlage of being able to go out and do things without looking for sitters so we plan our weekends around the visitation rotation. I did my time, I sacrificed my adult time when my children were younger and will not be doing it again.
They were NEVER married thank
They were NEVER married thank god but yes that is what she tries to do
Oh yes, I get so annoyed with
Oh yes, I get so annoyed with that crap! BM is always trying to push SD off on other people (including my DH's mother!) on her days (they have 50/50 custody, so week on, week off). BM is always trying to get DH to keep SD for extra days too. So freakin annoying. She's the one who wanted the kid so she should be the one to take care of her. These BMs make me sick! The DHs also I don't think realize that SMs can't wait for the day the skids go home so when they throw an extra day on us it's infuriating! }:)
Exactly!!! It's bad enough
Exactly!!! It's bad enough that we have to revolve our lives/plans etc. to some degree around these damn kids and their douchebag mothers but to add fuel to the fire and take them MORE than whatever the CO or verbal agreement was is UNACCEPTABLE imho!!! DH/SO deserves to have a life and free time with his new family etc. JUST AS MUCH as BM!!! FUCK THEM!!!
Ugh...I hate that shit!!!
I never got upset when we had
I never got upset when we had SD extra. Was even happy about it, because I knew we were a good place for her.
As a parent, I don't connect "money" and "spending time with my kid." If I get to spend time with my kid, that's on a whole different plane than what it costs to support them. (Which I do, 100%)
You look at it and say, "that's not fair. She gets CS based on 50/50. If SO has him more, he should pay less." While I can *kinda* see what you're saying, a parent who loves and cares for their child does NOT see it that way.
I think your SO is right.
PS: As a bioparent, if my DH EVER suggested I spend LESS time with my kids, I'd show him the door. And I love that man like crazy!
Stickafork Here is a real
Stickafork
Here is a real question: Do you actually believe that by asking my bf to get his son on his assigned days only is suggesting that he spends less time with his son? How about making the BM accountable for her own kid. I mean she gets a substantial amount of money and although time is not equivalent to money the truth is you can't survive on love alone and it DOES require money. Not to mention it interupts whatever plans I might have of getting rest and peace. Its her son so why does she get a vacation whenever she chooses to and places the responsibilites on us at her conveinance. If and when we asked for additional time to go on vacations she refused and we had to cancel plans and now all of a sudden I am suppose to be ok with it. Well I am not. Its 50/50 and she needs to take care of her son on her time and provide for him with the money she receives which she does not do.
MsKaye, Yes. If your SO has
MsKaye, Yes. If your SO has the opportunity to spend time with his child and you don't want him to, then you are asking for him to spend less time with his son than is available to him.
Don't worry about trying to make the BM accountable. You will exhaust yourself and get nowhere. TRUST ME. Almost everything you wrote here is focused on the BM. She gets money, She gets a vacation, She should be accountable, She needs to take care of her son, etc. Change your focus. Focus on your SO and what makes HIM happy. To hell with BM.
Now, if your plans are getting changed without your SO talking to you about it, then there's a relationship issue you need to address.
You asked if you were being unreasonable. My answer is yes.
BTW, I really mean not to think about/focus/fixate on BM and what she does or doesn't do. It will make YOU much happier. She falls outside of things you can control, and trying will be an act in futility.
Don't misunderstand. I spent
Don't misunderstand. I spent a good number of years fixating on BM when I was younger. I've just realized what a waste of my time and energy that was.
Ok I see your point about
Ok I see your point about time with his son. What about balance? If he has his son over his amount of time, what time does he have to focus on the relationship? As a result of him having his son more time, and the BM not taking proper care of their son with the money she gets, he has to take on Part-Time jobs in order to pay his bills. I refuse to help him pay over my agreed amount because I am not about to go bankrupt and not have what I want or need because he is trying to make sure his BM is living like a princess. I purchased ALL his son school clothes and took him to school every morning. She had the nerve to collect all the good clothing over time and send her crappy stuff back to me and then asked that I not pick him up from daycare. That was the final straw of me giving them shit else.
Therefore, yes I agree that the problem is with the BF and his lack of a spine and if he so chooses to spend more time with his son, then he has to be prepared to take care of him during this time. NOT ME
You're right. It's a BF
You're right. It's a BF thing. But spending extra money and money he doesn't have isn't the same as having his child extra, imo.
BM never took proper care of SD... we paid CS, bought her wardrobe at our house AND Bm's, paid for all her extra curriculars, you name it.
I've been there. I grumbling about it some of the time, too. Told BM she treated her daughter like a paycheck. Pissed and moaned about doing all of the driving, the cost of gas, the time, etc.
Honestly, I've been there.
I guess, for me, it was worth it to finally put SD first and forget about BM and her issues.
^^^^^^^EXACTLY^^^^^^^^^ SAF..
^^^^^^^EXACTLY^^^^^^^^^
SAF..I got to the same place as well.
"You look at it and say,
"You look at it and say, "that's not fair. She gets CS based on 50/50. If SO has him more, he should pay less." While I can *kinda* see what you're saying, a parent who loves and cares for their child does NOT see it that way."
I respectfully disagree with this. A parent can still love and care about their child and still want the money aspect to be fair and proportionate to the time the child spends with either parent.
Think about it this way, we as human beings need money to live. We all have bills etc. essentially money makes the world go round. I am NOT saying that we need to be greedy or place a dollar sign on everything or make the whole custody thing about money BUT I am saying that anyone would be upset, dh or bm, sm or sd, if they had a child alot more than another parent for example if dh took his kid for 5 days per week and bm only had the child for 2 days and dh was paying her an extreme amount of money whilst she barely has them and your dh and the rest of you barely scrape by because you are absorbing the cost of your family PLUS having skid ALOT more that would suck!!! And that is not right or fair imho. I know life is not fair, BUT nobody should have to pay a shit ton of money for a kid to the other parent who barely has that child.
I do not think/believe that means a parent loves or cares about their child any less just because they don't want to have to pay so much money for a child the other parent barely has. That is all I am trying to say. I hope I made sense in expressing my thoughts on that topic...
Tasha, are you a
Tasha, are you a mother?
Honestly, when I went from XH having the kids 2 nights a week and EOWe to 100% of the time, and never considered modifying. And that was a permanent change, not an extra day or two here and there.
Yes, I am a FT BM to BS9.
Yes, I am a FT BM to BS9.
Tasha, This is my point
Tasha,
This is my point exactly. How is it that the BM just purchased a new house, yet my bf is 3 months behind on his house paymemt. How is that fair? Love must not conquer money because if it did then his payments would be current. In addition, bf makes a great salary and he now has to pick up a second job to pay for the extras for SS. Like I said in the beginning I paid for the extras then the BF and BM and SS started taking that shit for granted so I STOP completely. In addition, if BF has to work his second job then he needs to make arrangements for his son because he can not stay with me and I will not look after him. I have other things I would like to do with my time and watching his son is not one of them. If she is the one who benefits from his second job and his first job then she needs to be the one watching her son while he is working it.
My bf has bought me two gifts in one year of living together. Oh and nothing for my birthday because he couldn't afford it and hardly ever takes me out to dinner so I keep my money and take my damn self.
Exactly!!! If BM is the one
Exactly!!! If BM is the one benefiting from your DH having to work 2 jobs then she can MOST DEFINITELY take care of THEIR child while he is doing it!!!
You are HIS GF...NOT THEIR CHILDS babysitter, maid, cash cow, etc. They made the choice to be together and bring that child into this world THEREFORE that gives them ALL of the physical, financial, emotional, etc. RESPONSIBILITY!!! Just like it would be ALL of your and your XBF/XH responsibility to do the same for YOUR kids!!!
I would NEVER put myself out for my BF's kid!! I have my own child to do all of that for and that is what I do, my kid my problem and I feel the same about my bf and his kid!
I had no say in creating or bringing that child into this world THEREFORE I RESERVE EVERY RIGHT NOT TO PAY FOR THEM, TAKE CARE OF THEM, LOVE THEM, ETC. PERIOD!!!
I do agree with SAF on this.
I do agree with SAF on this. I love when BM pawns SD off on us. We see it as more time with her.
We do document it just in case we have to go to court again. But we love having her
home with us.
.
I go back & forth on this
I go back & forth on this subject. I have had times when I have been the one to suggest that SD12 stays a few extra days. BM dumps her off on anyone & everyone. I know she is better off with us. Then there are times when I flat out refuse. Especially when the request is coming from BM. BM makes no concessions for DH therefore I feel we need to make none for her. It's a tough call. In my heart, because I am a mother, I feel bad for the child. She has been dealt a shitty card with the mom she has been given. On the other hand, I feel she is not my problem. I did my time. 2 out of my 3 boys are grown and out of my house. Therefore I don't feel I need to take on anyone elses baggage. It's a sticky & very complicated situation.
We have the skids 50/50
We have the skids 50/50 w/shared custody and generally we swap days if needed not because we want to, but because BM is obsessed with making the time up...
We pay for a lot... full CS + clothing for our home, b/c she refuses to send it activities like swimming that she "can't afford" because she spent money on her new tits and tummy this summer...
We can get mad at a lot of things... but I don't get mad about extra time with skids... but I do get mad about not being consulted first on swaps or extra time. We are waiting a year with the schedule at 50/50 (started last Sept) and then we will go back and fight paying CS.
This topic pisses me off! The
This topic pisses me off! The OP's BF needs to step up and get his child support ERASED! My BF just went through the same thing. He was paying $600 a month when he has his kid half the time and now he pays NOTHING. But the OP's BF needs to have his CS erased before he agrees to any more time with the kid. And YES the money does directly correlate with the amount of time spent with the kid. If the father is paying so much in child support that he can barely support himself, how is he supposed to provide for his child (ie: clothes/food/ basics like toothbrush) I know many struggling single fathers who have to live with roommates and work 2 jobs to support themselves and still have the kid 50/50. It's bullshit!
How much time are we talking
How much time are we talking here? If it is a couple of days a month...It is a wash.
But if it is more then a couple of days a month then it looks like CO change is
needed. Document it and go to court.
I think the problem here is
I think the problem here is the bio-dads doing things that are out of their budgets. If you have to get a second job to pay for the extras...stop doing the extras. It's not rocket science. I mean, if they were still married, would he still bankrupt the family to give the kid everything? Maybe so, but divorce makes men do stupid things. I know how this works...they will spend money on their kids that they don't have, allow others to spend money on them, and then don't buy for those they supposedly love. He shouldn't get the kid more if he has to rely on someone else to help him. But as a parent, it's natural to want to do everything you can for your child. Having an objective partner looking in from the outside often points out flaws that we otherwise wouldn't see. When they don't listen to that person, there will be a problem. When they insist, "IT'S FOR THE KID(S)!!!!!!" no matter who it affects, it's an issue.
I feel the same way. I
I feel the same way. I receive child support ($151 a month woohoo!) from my son's dad but I don't feel the need to try to get more. It is my job as the mother to provide for my child. So I work hard to be able to give him a good home and plenty of food and whatever. I put the child support towards diapers, new toy, and food. I don't feel like I 'need' more from his dad because he takes him every saturday and sunday for me and that's a big help. (I usually work weekends)
I think it's wrong to expect
I think it's wrong to expect a mom or to expect yourself to support your kid on your own. Now, I'm coming from the world of marrying, having kids together, and THEN divorcing...all those ooopsies/ONS, etc...IDK. Also, if a man makes $60,000 per year and his ex makes minimum wage, even if you have 50/50 custody...the bm should still get child support. Saying 50/50 should do away with cs doesn't fit in most situations. There ARE still families that started out with the woman being a house wife... while she shouldn't be able to sit on her ass 24/7, she shouldn't be thrown into poverty with kids because her marriage didn't work. There are too many possible scenarios to say that something should be any which way. But denying a child support from the other parent is wrong, imo. If you don't need it, put it away for his future.
Ok. In this case the BM has
Ok. In this case the BM has two kids by two different men. My bf make $98,000 and she makes $45,000. They were only married for two years and she asked for the divorce. Wait here is the kicker.. she had the baby during their divorce. Hey sounds like an insurance policy to me. She wanted to be taken care of not to be married and she knew the kind of man he was that he would take care of and cherish his only son. She has a college degree (not that it means much) because she still acts like she has no damn sense and she curses at my bf anytime she sees fit. If a woman was a housewife, married for awhile with the right intentions, I get that. However in this case she clearly is milking the cow and he is accepting it. Therefore, if he is okay with it then he has to put up with his son and her. I am done with it. I make decent money and I have a 17 year old going to college in June.
I told him, he needs to look after his son and I will look after my daughter. He didn't like that because he knows my daughter is on her way out to college and very independent. While his son is a tyrant and lacks dicipline and self control. He feels I have the easier job and I do because I put the work in as a single parent to make sure my daughter is successful and she is. Thank God
I guess that's another reason why I am upset. I raised my daughter as a single parent, and I don't see how two people can't get half the stuff done that I was able to do on my own...
Well I don't know where you
Well I don't know where you all live, but I could EASILY make it on $45,000 per year. But I guess for some, it's never enough...
I TOTALLY know what you mean about raising kids right as a single mom. I sacrifice a lot to make my kids' lives as if they had two parents in the home. They do NUMEROUS activities, I try to teach them everything from school stuff to regular life stuff, and home fix-it stuff. It is exhausting! My exbf has 3 kids. Bm can't even handle more than one kid in an activity at a time, and she has my exbf to help her, not to mention BOTH her parents! She babies them, is a helicopter parent, and exbf isn't much better even though he sees exactly what's going on. So I see them being super dependent for a LONG time and I don't want to be any part of that. My kids are very intelligent and know much more than a lot of kids their ages. (But not in an uptight, nerdy kinda way. Those people are irritating! LOL) Don't worry about how your dh feels about the situation. You put the work in, you should be able to reap the benefits!
Yeppers!!!! Same with us.
Yeppers!!!! Same with us.
My husband is the CP of his
My husband is the CP of his kids and has been since they were babies. We have them 100% of the time with no support or visitation from his ex. That is our dynamic.
My husband does not care about what BM does or doesn't do. He does not care what BM has or doesn't have. He only cares about his kids.
If your SO is OK with the extra time with his son and paying $1300 a month in CS I don't see why it is any of your concern, why would this bother you? You are not married to the man. If it bothers you this much then move on, life is too short to be miserable with a boyfirend. And, like another poster said, if my boyfriend would have told me not to spend extra $$$ or extra time with my child he would have been told to pound concrete.
He can spend as much time as
He can spend as much time as he wants with his son as long as he doesn't expect me to be right by his side or baby sitting for him. Even though we are not married, we do live together so yes I can and will move but its not always that easy.