This just might work out after all
I hope this posts. I was having difficulty last week.
Anyway ... I made the decision to take some of the advice given to me on this forum. I also got the book Stepmonster from the library, and I feel so much different about ... my entire life right now.
Last week I told my husband and the SKs that I was disengaging (of course, I used different language and padded it a bit for the kids because I wanted them to know it wasn't a punishment or anything). I think my problem isn't that I have horrible SKs or that my husband isn't super supportive, I think I just took on way too much from the very beginning and it is time for me to step back, admit I made a mistake (in taking on too much) and remedy it by just backing off. I tailored the disengagement steps to fit my particular situation, taking into consideration that the proper way to do things is based on my comfort level AND my contribution to the whole family.
When I was finally able to explain this situation to my husband (after two days of him believing I was trying to be roommates or that I was blaming the kids for all my and our problems) he agreed on a lot of it. He did feel worried (scared) that he was going to be overwhelmed having to work full-time and be a full-time parent to his kids. But I explained to him that little part where I'm not refusing to do anything, I'm just refusing to be a doormat - to be EXPECTED to do things. I said, I will surely help you out if you ASK and if you give me enough notice.
Things are actually going quite well. I had to remove myself from the family last night unfortunately because I am finding it WAY hard to not step in when I see my husband being a complete idiot when it comes to his kids.
Example: I made a rule that the kids can't eat in the living room (mostly because I was tired of finding crumbs and even food wrappers behind, in, on, around the couch and it makes MY job harder. I told everyone, "If the new rule is that the kids (his, not mine!) can eat in the living room, I will no longer be cleaning the living room." Of course, Daddy-O popped some popcorn later in the evening when he put a movie on, and they all ate in the living room. It was difficult to tell my kid that he couldn't eat in there, but I will definitely point out to my husband that the living room floor is getting pretty nasty and remind him I no longer clean it. 
I'm just hoping it gets easier to back off. I will admit - I have a tendency to hover and control, but I can't anymore. (Maybe my DH has some advice for me on how to ignore people ...) 
Funny, I started from the
Funny, I started from the beginning, disengaged. It does work well, but I have too constantly remind my self what is and what is not my role. I like you, have a tendency to want to be in control. It will get easier and they will all appreciate you more, once you back off a bit.
My FDH is great, and I established the house rules early on. No eating in the bedrooms, everyone pick up after themselves...etc.
I also have keep my friends and activities away from them. That helps too.
The book is great. I didn't see how old your skids are in your bio or if they live with you full time.
We only have the skids part of the time. That also makes it easier. It gives me time to rejuvenate, before they come again.I never look forward to them coming. I usually don't dread it. But it changes the dynamic in our family a lot.
Good luck, sounds like you are well on your way in getting your life back.
I use not my kid not my problem. I don't mean that in an ugly way, it is a reminder. I am not the mom, and never want to be and never will be.
SKs - SD11, SS13, SS16; Bios
SKs - SD11, SS13, SS16; Bios - boy 11, boy 4
SKs with us every single mother-lovin day (except Friday 3 p.m. to Saturday 7 p.m.) Mine with us 50/50
You have all of that going on
You have all of that going on and you are still able to post "This just might work after all". Lady you are amazing.
I believe it will work for you! You have a great attitude!
Good luck with your disengaging. I really do think it will help
Are you kidding me? The 4 YO
Are you kidding me? The 4 YO is sleeping and the SKs aren't my problem. I have all the time in the world now! Haha - actually just got off the phone with a company and I have a job interview next week. Things are looking sweet.
That's great and you're
That's great and you're absolutely right to tailor it to suit your needs. Its a tool to be used as needed. I've often said that with the passage of time one can re-engage if things are going well and you can pull further back as needed also.
Just be sure you're not confusing the kids and for that matter the husband by doing one thing today and another tomorrow. I've often noticed that women especially have a hard time walking away from dirt or messes. You've declared that as long as its food you're not cleaning the living room, make sure you stick to your pronouncement. Even if ants arrive point out the consequences of having ants in the home. They walk in fecal material of animals and leave it on whatever they walk on which may be the apple you're about to eat. Then let Dad figure out who and how to clean it up.
Often things have gotten so bad that only complete disengagement will work and its often the only way to live with teenagers. One thing I've learned is always leave discipline to the bio-parent.
OCC - I really hope this
OCC - I really hope this doesn't come down to fecal matter. :jawdrop:
Haha ... I have a relatively sane DH, so I do believe the day will come (soon) that he will say, "My darling, why haven't you cleaned up the living room lately?" (Yeah, I sort of have him speak like that in my head.) To which I will reply, "Oh dearest, do you not remember you changed the rules - one of a thousand that you asked me to create for the house - and I vowed to trust your parental decisions which includes allowing you to clean up after them."
I started disengaging only a
I started disengaging only a couple of weeks ago and so far, it's good. I have been less stressed and I need to remember that when I want to step in. I didn't quite tell my husband what I was doing - just that I was trying something new. He hasn't asked specifics. We also haven't argued and our arguments have only been about his kids in the past.
I'm optimistic, too.
Good luck to you too, Mimi.
Good luck to you too, Mimi. It's about being strong - just NOT getting re-engaged.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Im glad to hear that things
Im glad to hear that things are looking up for you. That sounds like a book i need to pick up. DH and i has the stepping back talk today and he was uneasy about it at first but agrees that for my sanity its a good idea. I'm eager to hear more about how your journey goes with it.