Discipline...when you're the only house that believes in it
I guess I'll start out with the quick and dirty version of our relationship history.
My husband was married when I met him to my SD14's Bio mom. We were friends, he was unhappy, we gradually became very good friends (read: friends, NOT friends with benefits or lovers). They separated and we decided to give the relationship a go. The ex blames me for her relationship falling apart (he had actually been asking her for a divorce for several years and she kept saying they had to stay together for the kids and wouldn't sign papers). She had 3 bio kids when she married him, and then they had 1 child together. The 3 older kids have watched a little too much daytime television and had spread lies about me and him that would make 50 shades of gray look like a kid's book. The human imagination is very very powerful.
Now for the important part of the story, my SD is 14, her older siblings (unfortunately) play a large role in her life, and that whole side of the family is, well...selfish, self centered, delusional and downright rude. When I first met SD when she was 11, her way of "asking" for something out of the fridge was to come up to me, punch me in the arm and say "I need a glass of milk." My husband after the divorce had a hard time saying anything to her because of all the extra drama that his ex brings. She used to literally drive up into my driveway and honk the horn for hours and scream.
At this point, we've gotten past most of the yelling and public temper tantrums (and having her friends verbally assault me in Publix parking lots), and we've reached a new point. We say, SD14 you have to do XYZ and bio mom's response is "No you don't, here let me get you everything you want". Total Disney parent, only does fun stuff, the idea of discipline or rules just doesn't exist. her response is, you do whatever you want at your house, I'll run my house how I want.
The problem we have is that my SD has picked up on this, and now for the first time is lying to us about what's going on over there. She actually bold faced denied having something to my husband's face. Originally we told her that if she completed XYZ task, she could have a reward. Instead of completing the task, she just to mommy dearest, who bought her the reward. my husband then had a conversation with bio mom about that whole "We're trying to teach a lesson of, if you work for things, you get rewarded." and again, the response is "You're all a bunch of controlling Aholes, I'm going to get her the reward because it makes her happy." :jawdrop:
How do we address the lying without always seeming like the bad people? We're the only ones who impose any sort of rules...AT ALL. I don't just mean occasionally, I mean, we get NO support whatsoever from the other side. I'm beyond frustrated, my husband is feeling hurt and disrespected. Yes, we technically had an affair because we started dating while he was going through divorce proceedings. But does that give his ex free reign to rub that in his face all the time and to tell the kids that because of that, they can treat him however they want? How do we handle the lying? She's so Btype personality, that we can take away pretty much everything from her, and she just rolls with it. She isn't terribly social (ie, she's not going out every weekend with friends), so we can't really "ground" her. Not to mention that the custody is 50-50, so we can only punish her when she's with us.
I really am out of ideas. Please help.
So we should just stop
So we should just stop setting expectations and rules and we should do that whole "What we don't know won't hurt us" thing? Your response isn't really very helpful...
Won't that just teach her to continue to go behind our backs and ask BM for all the things that we tell her she has to work for? What good does that do?
Just ignore what goes on at
Just ignore what goes on at the other home. You have no control over it.
But my question was, what's
But my question was, what's that parallel parenting method?
I'm well aware that I can't control what goes on over there, my question was, how do we react to it? How do you get anything done at our house? How do you teach rules?
She's taking an online class.
She's taking an online class. She was getting behind, and then randomly asked for a new pet (a kitten). We said that if she finished her class on time (we had put together a whole schedule), she could have a kitten. I guess she decided that was too much work and went to BM and said "I want a kitten". Never told BM that we already had a deal. BM mentioned it offhand to DH and DH explained to her that we already had this deal, and here's what the deal was. BM's response was "I don't need your permission to get SD at kitten if that's what she wants at my house." This is true, she clearly doesn't, but she has no respect for the lesson we're trying to teach. Ok, yes, I can't get upset at that, and you know, it's not like I didn't see this coming. However, we then sat down and had a whole conversation with SD about why we do things the way that we do. She said she understood, it made sense, etc.
When DH asked SD about the kitten last week, she said "Oh no, I don't have one, I told BM that I shouldn't have one until I make a new goal and reach that new goal." We praised her for that. Come to find out, it was a bold face lie. She's had a kitten for almost a week now.
It's happened previously with smaller things too. For example, SD: "Can you buy me this DVD?" Me: Why don't we just request it on Netflix. Then SD runs to BM and tada! Dvd is purchased.
We've tried taking her cell phone and internet privileges away, but of course, we can't take them away when she's at BMs, so she just has to put up with not having them for a couple days and then its free reign for the next couple of days. We have a bit of a convoluted custody schedule, it's basically 2-3 days during the week then every other weekend. They switch back and forth.
I know that kids are always going to take the path of least resistance, and who is going to turn down free stuff when all you have to do is ask? We know We can't stop BM from spoiling her, but is there a way to effectively parent at our house? We don't expect BM to honor our punishments there, so how do we correct for that at our house?
Actually they do talk, we
Actually they do talk, we just normally get the back end of it after BM has already bought/done something. What generally happens is she'll say, "BTW I got SD X" or SD will just come over to our house with something we recently told her that she couldn't have.
We did have her on a schedule and we were on top of it, and she still had a couple chapters to go when BM stepped in and got her the kitten. Part of the thing with the online class is that she has to wait for the teacher to contact her for certain assignments, so I can't make her sit at the dining room table and wait for the teacher to call her back 3 days from her request. We've had our own issues with the teacher's responsiveness...let's just say it's not helping our side of the argument. At this point, she's almost done, she needs to make an appointment with the teacher for the final, so since she won't have tv, phone or internet, looks like she'll be buried in her French textbook for the next several days and better ace that d*@^ final.
Thanks for letting me vent and for the suggestions. I was out of ideas. I really thought that age old, if you want something work for it would work. It's also hard for me to empathize with it because my parents were divorced and that's just not something my brother and I did, we didn't ever dare play them against each other because well, we knew an a*& whopping would happen if they found out (from either side). Here, where there's only the threat of consequence from one side, is just so foreign to me. My parents may not have liked each other personally, but they parented together.
What I always tried to focus
What I always tried to focus on was not finding rewards and punishments they'd respond to, but to just get them to do it.
So if you didn't use the rewards/punishments method, how did you get the kids to do things? I have a SD13 who needs a lot of prompting to do her homework (and other things). At the end of the last school year she was lying to us and saying she was turning everything, but we checked the school's website, and she had so many missing assignments, you wouldn't believe it. We told her she needed to come right home from school and do ALL her work before any TV or computer. Would this be considered a rewards/punishments situation since if she didn't do her work, there'd be no TV/computer? Do you have any other suggestions as to what would work? We tried talking to her and we stressed how important doing well in school is, but unfortunately we are in the same boat as the person who posted this topic. We get no cooperation from BM at all. BM is the friend and not the parent. When we talk to SD, she seems to get it, but then she'll go back to BM's (we have 50/50 custody) where there is pretty much no supervision and no consequences for anything. Whenever she has missing assignments, it's when she's w/ BM. Any suggestions?
I don't care that she got her
I don't care that she got her the kitten, I care that she lied about it. That's my whole problem that I'm trying to work on.
You are effectively parenting
You are effectively parenting at your house except that you need more immediate consequences. Instead of "catch up on your online work and we'll get you a kitten" it needs to be "sit at the table until you're caught up". No tv. No activities. No phone. Nothing. I see your dilemma. You want her to feel the pain of her decisions and you can't because her mother "makes it up to her". YOu need to get past what you feel is appropriate as far as extended groundings or loss of privileges. Stop bribing. Don't promise her anything. You know by merely making the promise that she is going to get it at her BMs.
We have this same issue. Ultimately, if we ground, it stays in effect longer here than it would if she were here full-time because we know she is off at her mother's doing as she pleases in between. We accept that. Also, we do immediate discipline. My SD is younger, so we have her stand in the corner for attitude, outright defiance. That likely won't work with an older child. Find an immediate currency. Stop obsessing about what she "gets" from her mother or that she is "getting away with stuff there". If her mother wants her to be a spoiled, enititled brat that doesn't know any lessons, so be it, as long as she acts appropriately in your care. AND as long as everyone involved knows that when she is 18, jobless, lazy, and entitled, she is her MOTHER's problem and financial burden.
For the most part she does
For the most part she does act appropriately, it's only a few instances where we have this spoiled problem. Her manners have actually improved exponentially since I got DH to start seeing that she was behaving like a total brat.
I see what you're saying about the immediate consequence, we just have to figure out what that immediate consequence is. You're right, I can't really say "Go sit in the corner for 14 minutes because you lied". DH did finally take the TV out of her room today in anticipation of when she gets home from school today and he has that whole "You shouldn't have lied" talk with her. She'll just have to lead a pretty boring life for the next several days without her phone, tv or internet. I keep telling myself that one day this will pay off and she'll go "Thank goodness dad and SM taught me to work hard..." Romantic notion, I know
We'll see what happens with the next act/reaction.
Is there a way to have a trust conversation in here? Would it matter if we said "Because you've lied, now we don't trust you?"
Since she isn't horrible
Since she isn't horrible outside the lying, I'd talk to her about they lying and how it leads to trust issues and I'd let her know if it continues she is going to lose some privacy because she can't be trusted. Here is the thing though, you have to make it ok for her to be honest. She lied because she knew she wasn't supposed to get the kitten. Not really her fault that her mother doesn't care that you're trying to teach her something. SHe did what any child her age would do, she got the kitten where she could get it without having to earn it. So, you need to make what her mother does in her home, ok for SD. I would just tell her "look, we have different rules and values than your bm. Noone is right or wrong, but this is what we've decided for our home. We're not mad because you got a kitten at your bm's, but we're disappointed that you felt the need to lie."
If you make it a big deal that her mother does whatever she wants - you might not to HER, but believe me her mother is letting her know - she is going to lie to avoid the drama. My SD lies to her mother all the time about our house. She learned a long time ago that saying what her mother wants to hear is easier than the truth. Her mother has also taught her to keep "secrets" from us. We don't put her in the middle of it. Her mother's "secrets" don't interest us nearly as much as she seems to think they do. We've made it clear that she needs to be honest while in our home and if we find out she lies, the punishment for lying is twice as bad as telling the truth. But we don't question her about her mother's house, so we don't put her in a position to have to lie to be loyal to her mother.
Thanks! We're going to try
Thanks! We're going to try that tonight when she gets home from school. Apparently BM and DH have already had it out today because she's convinced that he's telling her she can't ever buy SD presents. Her opinion is that the kitten was a present, who is he to tell her she can't buy a kitten. Shrug. You don't know what you don't know right?
The plan is that he's going to give SD a chance to come clean about the kitten today from school. Not going to bring it up, pretend like he hasn't had this convo with BM today. If she doesn't come clean about it, then it's punishment for lying. The hard part will be explaining to her that the punishment is for the lying, not for the actual owning of the kitten (since everyone on that side thinks it's ridiculous, who doesn't love a kitten).
It makes me sad that BM is teaching SD that being the victim is the better way to go in life, but I just keep hoping that by showing her the opposite, that you're in charge of your own life, she'll be better off. We have to teach good choices, not poor reactions.
Your dh needs to stop
Your dh needs to stop engaging with BM. She's made it clear that she is going to undermine him at every turn. He needs to stop communicating with her about what she does. He can't control it so there is no reason to let her know she is getting under his skin. In fact, she might do it less if she realizes he no longer cares. Sometimes giving the kid what the kid wants knowing that they aren't supposed to is a tactic to keep control and to continue to communicate. Stop playing into her game.
All he did was ask if she did
All he did was ask if she did in fact get the kitten so we could confirm if SD was lying or not. We didn't want to accuse SD of lying without getting the correct facts. We had a hunch about the kitten based on weird statements/changes in behavior from SD, but nothing more. He didn't try to tell her that she was wrong, but her reaction was off the charts to a simple "Hey, did you ever get SD that kitten?"
I used to make my two write
I used to make my two write essays on a topic that made sense wrt the transgression. In this case, it would be how lying affects the ability to trust anything she says. At 14? Five paragraphs, minimum two pages, typed, single-spaced.
I think my favorite one was when they were younger, arguing and being disrespectful to one another. So I made them write an essay together. They had to write a paragraph each, and collaborate on the intro and conclusion.
I think you gave good advice.
I think you gave good advice. I like how you said stop bribing her and just tell her to sit at the table until she's caught up. If you don't bribe her, then BM can't make it up to her. SD's reward should be someday turning out to be a smart, well rounded young woman who can take care of herself.
Going along with the idea of
Going along with the idea of immediate consequences, I'd start giving immediate punishments as well.
example - you find out she lied to you - punishment - raking up all the leaves outside, vacuuming the house, etc. etc. you get the idea.
And tell her if she does a sloppy job she'll get more chores added on.
I got tired of telling my DD14 to wipe the table off when she did the dishes, so I had her write "I will wipe the table off" 100 times.
I love your signature
I love your signature quote!
But anyway, thanks for the suggestion. Looks like someone will be enjoying some quality time with the dishes and the vacuum cleaner tonight!
LOL, I'm glad you like my
LOL, I'm glad you like my signature quote!
I'm sure you can think up other creative punishments as well,
good luck!
Thank you. I'll have to
Thank you.
I'll have to report back.
Man, our situations are SO
Man, our situations are SO similar. A lot of people on here are telling you not to worry about what goes on in BM's home, but I totally get you're saying. Like DH and I, you want SD to turn out to be a decent human being. You want her to realize that you have to work hard and be responsible. Our BM sponges off her parents and NEVER pays her bills. We don't want SD to turn out like that. Your BM sounds like a fool who just wants to spite DH (just like ours). She doesn't realize she's causing more harm than good. smdh said: I would just tell her "look, we have different rules and values than your bm. Noone is right or wrong, but this is what we've decided for our home. We're not mad because you got a kitten at your bm's, but we're disappointed that you felt the need to lie." I think that's excellent advice, and I think we'll have to use this too - although i might leave out the "no one is right or wrong" ha ha
***I don't know what state you live in, but I live in MI. I was told by an attorney that any parent has the right to take something away from a child (phone, ipod, computer, etc.) regardless of who bought it. OSD used to pull that crap against her BM. She'd say "Dad bought this for me, so you can't take it away." That's not true - at least here in MI. It seems like it would be everywhere, but you never know.
Hi boots, BM and SD never
Hi boots,
BM and SD never fight a punishment. Technically BM pays for her cell phone, but she's never disagreed with us talking it away, she just bitches to her friends that we're terrible people.
Yesterday turned into even more of a freak show because as soon as she got home from school, DH took her phone and went through her texts, only to find out that BM had been texting her "Lie to your dad, here's what we'll say". Luckily, SD said "No I don't want to do that" and then BM had the balls to say "Ok, well delete these messages before he sees them." Let's just say that I've never seen DH be so angry in my life.
The saddest part about all of this is that BM still thinks she's the best parent in the world. She really thinks that he's mad that he got the kitten, and that he's punishing SD unnecessarily because it was just a little lie and who cares if she lies to him because you know, he's a lying cheating a** (in her own mind).
Our BM lies too! DH has a
Our BM lies too! DH has a rule that you have to have a fever or spewing from either end to stay home from school. He does this because BM would let the kids stay home ALL the time for stupid stuff - headaches, menstrual cramps, midnight movies. They missed way too much school. Anyway, OSD wanted to stay home because she had a stomach ache. DH told her no, so she got all ready and she and YSD left for school (OSD drives them). We found out later that BM called in sick for OSD and then OSD drove over to BM's and stayed the day there. Then at 3:00, OSD went and picked up YSD at school and they came home like nothing had ever happened. We only found out because DH checked the school web site. BM also lied and let OSD spend the night w/ her boyfriend (said she was staying at a female friend's)! On several occasions. Well, guess who's now pregnant? Yep - OSD. BM is a f'ing idiot and I'm pretty sure she also thinks shes the greatest mother in the world. She's always on FB saying "I love you hon." "I love you cupcake." "I miss you." Gag me w/ a spoon.
Instead of being an adult and calling DH to talk about letting OSD stay home from school, she helps OSD lie. There have been a lot of other times that BM has lied, but if I went into all that, I'd take up the whole page.
I guess I'll never understand
I guess I'll never understand what drives someone to think that all of this is ok. You know, I could put up with some of the stupid/crazy stuff she did before, but to take it to this level where you tell your child it's ok to lie (while at the same time condemning her father for lying) is just wrong.
What is your DH planning to do about the pregnancy and how does YSD feel about all this? Do you talk to her about her thoughts?
I'll never understand it
I'll never understand it either! Why would you teach your kids to lie????? As far as pregnant SD17 goes, we're not really doing anything. SD17 hasn't lived w/ us in over a year and she's pretty much not speaking to us. She did agree to meet DH for lunch about 3 wks ago, so they could talk about her being pregnant. It seemed to go well, but then she posted stupid crap on FB afterwards. As far as SD13 goes, she seems to be completely different than her sister (and her mom, thank God). I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she stays normal. I'm hoping our positive influence is stronger than BM's negative influence. Hopefully SD13 will see how hard it is for her sister to raise a baby. SD13 and I are very close. She talks to me about all sorts of things. I think sometimes she feels closer to me than her own mom because her mom favors SD17 and is very obvious about it. SD13 is also close w/ DH and they talk quite a bit as well.
UGH! I hate when the BM does
UGH! I hate when the BM does this! BM in our case also let's my SD stay home for whatever reason. While she lived with us, she had 1 absence, and that was because she had a fever! With BM, my SD has at least one absence a month, for all kinds of little crap. And, yes, BM lets my SD go to midnight showings of movies on school nights, and then says it is okay for her to stay home the next day. My son his entire life has missed less school than my SD, and he has 4 years on her, AND had a ruptured appendix along the way!
BM also does a lot of lying...usually when my SD doesn't want to come over for the weekend. Like last weekend...she supposedly had lots of homework and chores. That typically equates to, "I don't want to go to dad's, because I want to go spend the night at my friend's house." Just be honest! BM also let's my SD go over to her "boyfriend's" house quite a bit. The kid is only 13. My husband doesn't like that she has a boyfriend, but will not put his foot down about it. SD can be very sneaky...has left the house after 10 p.m. at BM's a couple of times already without anyone knowing she was gone until one time she came home with a hole in her elbow from "falling off of her bike"! BM didn't even know she was gone until my SD came in the front door all bloodied! I am scared to death that the child will end up pregnant before she is 17. I know it is bad to say, but I can just feel things going in that direction. I know one thing, BM better not expect child support to extend beyond 18 if my SD doesn't stay in school...get the baby daddy to pay child support if that happens! She also will NOT be moving in with us, because I'm not going to get stuck babysitting a baby while my SD goes and hangs with friends and stuff...like BM did with my SD when she was younger (didn't leave my SD with us, but with her mom, my husband's sister, my husband's mom, etc.). I've raised mine...and now it is time for me to have a life!
Fingers crossed for you. I
Fingers crossed for you. I wish I could do more.
A 13 yr old hanging out at
A 13 yr old hanging out at her boyfriend's house???? Nooooo way. Even if the parents are home, they might be the type to let the kids hang out in the bedroom w/ the door closed. You said your husband won't put his foot down. Do you think it's because he still thinks of her as a little girl? For example: My DH took SDs shopping for bathing suits a few yrs back. I think the girls were 12 and 16 at the time. SD16 helped SD12 pick out a string bikini. She tried it on in the store, but didn't show my DH. When they got home, I said I couldn't believe he would buy her a bathing suit like that. He didn't get it because he's looking at her like she's 8 yrs old w/ no shape whatsoever. I told him there are plenty of perverts out there that will be checking out a 12 year old. I think that made him understand. Do you think your husband is similar, or do you think he's just afraid to say no? Either way, I'd find some statistics on teenage pregnancy. Unfortunately, there are lots of 13 yr old girls who get pregnant.
@boots415...I think it is a
@boots415...I think it is a little of both...still sees SD as his little princess AND is is afraid to say no. My SD has my husband wrapped around her little finger...all she has to do is bat her eyes and shed a few tears, and he believes every word that comes out of her mouth...believes, or simply ignores! Whenever I bring up that he is a pushover when it comes to my SD and her mom, he will use the excuse that he is afraid that if he puts his foot down, he will never see his daughter again.
I wouldn't be surprised if the boyfriend issues are another reason my SD wanted to move back with her mom. I mean, my husband will not put his foot down, but boys around here were afraid to talk to her. Why? Very small town (just outside the city...BM lives in the city)...very small school district! EVERYONE...and I do mean everyone...knows my son, and since my husband adopted him and our last name is not very common, we are the ONLY family in town with that name! He is that hard-hitting defensive tackle on the varsity football team whose name is on all the weight-lifting records at the middle school, and half of the records at the high school. The guys at the middle school didn't want to "date" my SD for fear that big brother would kick their butts...and the older guys over at the high school won't even think about it, because they are sure my son will kick their butts.
So, she kept talking to guys over at her old school which live in her BM's neighborhood. BM thinks it is "cute" that my SD has a boyfriend. What planet does she live on? My SD does NOT look 13! BM's family has "curves" in their genes, if you know what I mean. The girl wears a bigger cup size than I do! She is constantly wearing shirts that show her cleavage, and my husband will not say anything! She has been wearing makeup since she was like 11. She got upset when she lived here because I refused to buy her any makeup. I don't think a 13-year-old should be wearing makeup...period! With the makeup and the cleavage, she easily looks at least 16 when she leaves the house. No wonder that 17-year-old she was caught talking online with believed that she was 15!
Girls grow up WAY too fast
Girls grow up WAY too fast nowadays. I know exactly what you mean about the curves.
It's sad to say, but your husband is probably right that if he puts his foot down, he will never see his daughter again. That's what happened to us anyway. For the most part, SD17 was a pretty good kid and DH never had to really put his foot down. Then she started hanging out w/ a bad crowd, and he told her there was no way she was hanging out w/ them. Well, unfortunately being a child of divorce, she had another home she could run to. I think that's why so many dads are afraid to say no. I'm not saying that's ok, I'm just saying I think I understand why they do it. Nobody ever said parenting was easy. Sometimes your kids will hate you, but your job is to be a parent and not a friend. BM acted like a friend and look where it got us - SD17 got pregnant by a 15 year old pot head, and she's pretty much flunking her senior year. Way to go BM.
Neither of my SK's parents
Neither of my SK's parents believe in discipline unless the kids' behavior directly affects them. I'm usually the one handing out consequences, which leads to an argument with the SK, then leads to another argument, this time with my wife. I have a SD17 and SS15 who are basically just floating through life with no guidance or direction, and I've learned that there's nothing that I can do about it. So I don't. I don't care what they do unless they're destroying my house (which SS15 has a problem with. Don't tell his mom, though, she can't accept it!).
This is what is happening at
This is what is happening at our house. We discipline and provide rewards, but their BM does not. She just rewards. She says ridiculous accusations on the phone to my DH with the kids at her house to hear her. Things like "All you care about is defending YOUR NEW WIFE" which is sooooooo not true!!! Kids think Dad does not care about them. She buys them things to keep them with her and hating their dad for not buying them it. Oldest kid she got a car, holds it over his head and uses it to control him, but he does not see that, he just sees he has a car. We got a car 2 years earlier which he drove into the ground, beat on and it's not even reusable for the younger kid, but we helped him get his license, fought their BM to let them get their license, paid for it (ON top of child support) and got them on the road and did almost all the driving with them .... then she takes them for the test and get them their license, so she looks the GREAT mom, who got them their license, when it was us who did all the work and fought her every step of the way for them. Everything we do, she takes away. We try to help them GROW UP, she keeps them as kids. The youngest one things drinking soda and coffee makes him not a kid so she lets him where we don't do that in our house, none of us drink soda, so now he's mad at us because we don't let him drink soda (this is after 5 years of not drinking it, suddenly).
We took her to court to get the child support reduced 4 weeks ago, this is because of the kids graduated HS almost a year ago. We were actually not going to reduce it at all and just pay the whole amount for the remaining 2 years, but she pushed us to the edge with not helping with drivers ed costs and other things she did, that we decided to file to reduce it. Now I am thinking that she is causing problems between the youngest and his father so she can take him back to court and say that she has him full time now and needs the child support increased. Maybe I'm wrong, but I doubt it. She's evil.
She does nothing to benefit the kids and everything to be vengeful and vindictive to her EX, my DH. I seriously just want to cry and how hurt he is, and how everything is just spiraled so far out of control. She told him if he divorced her she'd make his life hell and she has!!!
Yup, you're my parallel twin!
Yup, you're my parallel twin!
You need to read this article, sums it up and it's refreshing to see it all typed out. I have to say that I used to be really really angry, but after reading this doctor's blog posts, it all clicked and I went, ok then. I know how to deal with it now.
http://www.shrink4men.com/2011/05/17/does-your-wife-or-ex-wife-have-a-go...
HAHAHA I read that article
HAHAHA I read that article and I sent it to DH. He read it and said "WOW, that hits the nail on the head!" Both kids are not coming again tonight. We just need to realize that they are 'hers' I guess and it's not personal towards us from them, but it is from her. We'll just keep trying to pick them up at the allotted times and be ready for when they want to come.
Most BMs who don't live with
Most BMs who don't live with their children do this kind of Disney type parenting because they feel guilty about not spending time with their biological kids, they don't want to put in the effort of raising kids and, in addition, to that they don't want the kids to see them as bad parents. That's why the children don't live with them full time because theses women can't take care of them.
Don't give her any alternatives. Tell her she does not have a choice but to finish her work. And when she brings stuff that BM bought tell her she can't have it at your house unless she complies with your house rules. Don't pay attention to what BM says about that.