PLEASE HELP!!! SCs ruining relationship
Please, I could sincerely use some advice. I'm 25, and I met my girlfriend almost 2 years ago. She is 31 with two children. SD13, SS12. Her and I met and the connection was instant, despite the age gap. She was recently out of an instance/abusive relationship, and I became her night in shining armor. I do not have children of my own, but have always been great with kids. Her son bonded with me almost instantly. He and I share same interests, hobbies, etc. Her daughter, 13, was standoffish in nature from day one, but honestly, I expected that and was not surprised, even when she said I could date her mom 'for now'. It became apparent quickly that both children had been raised very privileged and with loose discipline. Loose enough that I had to buy a locking door handle for my girlfriend and I to have any privacy. (SD13 would not knock despite my lectures and attempts). Not 24 hours after installing the door lock, SD13 learned to pick/force the lock. Things between my girlfriend and her son blossomed, however; SD13 and myself constantly had a coldness between us, and despite my attempts to bridge the gap, her attitude spiralled downwards. Long story short, she has physically attacked me on 4 separate occasions requiring me to pin her as pain free and humanely as possible. I have tried to be considerate of the fact that I AM not their 'father', attempting everything from talks with their mother about setting and enforcing ground rules, discussing appropriate punishments, and enforcing bed times. Each time the rules were set in place, they would only stick for a week or two. My relationship with their mother becomes jeopardized and spirals into arguments every time o attempt to discuss my frustrations, or to vent my issues. SD13 is special needs, (seizure disorder, learning disabilities, and immaturity as a result) but even with that taken into consideration, I feel brushed aside or treated like a piece of shit for refusing to tolerate name calling and disrespect from her. For example, GF and I were going to grab some taco bell for dinner one night. Upon hearing the plan, SD13 flew off the handle, screaming she hated taco bell, it was nasty, etc. (We'd eaten taco bell earlier that week by her request). She then followed the 10 minute scream fest with accusations that her mother only spends time with me and won't take her anywhere. (I was working 50 hrs per week, GF is stay at home mom) so also untrue. GF and I left, I was very frustrated, GF was angry that I offered SD13 to go instead of me. At taco bell, GF asked if we should get SD13 anything to eat. In my frustration, I said 'no, if she wants to bitch, she can cook her own dinner'. I rarely lose my cool, but GF shut down instantly. I ate alone per her request to drop her off, and GF broke off the relationship via Facebook the next day. We reconciled 3 days later
After about 4 more months, SD attacked me again after I scolded her for allowing the dog to litter the floor with trash not 2 feet away from where she was on the computer. After the fiasco, I made mention that perhaps calling the cops should she lash out again. I was told to go home. Again. Since then, I have stepped away from 'parenting'. About 3 months ago, I attempted to break off the relationship. GF convinced me to stay, but SD13 and SS12 have both become more out of control. There is no longer ANY established bed times, and GF and I therefore have NO alone/private time. SD13 has serious attitude problems, (sneering, eye rolling, inappropriately discussing 'adult' and feminine hygiene issues, etc. to the point where I can barely stand being at their home, and she even began smoking recently, with no discipline. In my final attempt to vent my concerns, my calm, collected approach was met yet again by defensive hostility and excuses by GF. How can I save this relationship? How can I keep my sanity and cool during this battle? I was raised very 'old school' with manners, spankings, and chores, as well as a 'real men don't cry' mindset, but I am at wits' end!!! I have cried, I have tried everything I can think of, and myself and my relationship are quickly shattering. PLEASE HELP!!!!!
Your GF doesn't see anything
Your GF doesn't see anything wrong with the way she is raising her kids. You can't force her to parent the way you think she should.
Consider yourself lucky. You still have your own place and you don't have kids with her. Walk away. There are plenty of childless women out there.
How in the world is she supporting herself and two kids?
Your gf needs to step up to
Your gf needs to step up to the plate, or it will never improve. It almost sounds like gf has gone the opposite, and let it get worse in favor if "defending her kids, making sure you know they are 1st" since the behavior is already worsening. Almost like she is defying you, and possibly resenting you because of what you have said about her kids.
My SO actually did this after our first year together. I tend to be a little blunt, and it was like I was attacking his kids if guess, and he got defensive, and threw out the "protective" dad crap. EVERYTHING became about his kid, way over the top and the behavior became intolerable. We broke up.
I feel like during those few months, he was left alone with his monster, and had the issues echoing. We eventually took it very slow, and I made it very clear what I would tolerate and wouldn't. I also had to learn to put issues "more delicately" when it came to his precious. SO has made some significant improvements, and I no longer "attack" his parenting or his kids.
When issues arise, I point them out, "the behaviour, and often have compare the behavior to SO. For example, wow, I remebr at 8, I was riding my bike and raising hell in my neighborhood...how about you? Were you stuck up your mom/dads ass all day and begging for someone to pour your milk?
Seems to help put it into perspective for SO....
RIGHT
Since when are kids into hanging onto their parents?! You are right. At 8 I was on my bike with my brothers, while my parents worked all summer. We made our own Mac and cheese, poured our own gd milk, and put band aids on our scratches and bruises. Kids these days are pathetic.
I realize I probably should
I realize I probably should leave. However; her son thinks I'm the best thing since video games. He admires, respects, and trust me with everything he has. He's fiercely intelligent and mature for his age (12) and aside from the lack of height and voice change, you'd swear he's 16. She knows he sees me as his dad by his choice, and that him and I are extremely close. I'm not sure GF is being honest or manipulative, but she has said repeatedly that if we go our separate ways, her son and I will no longer be spending time together. That tears me apart because I'm the only adult role model this kid has. GF also has a 'love conquers all' mentality and doesn't understand that my unhappiness doesn't mean lack of love or absence of care, but it's a shitload to come into in even the best of circumstances...
It's hard to leave and throw
It's hard to leave and throw in the towel when there are kids involved. But I agree with ur gf, if you guys aren't going to be together, its unreasonable to expect some sort of visitation with SS.
The usual advice on here, is to disengage. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. Your gf should be the one discipling her kids, not you. Gf and the kids could build up resentment towards you if you are. My best suggestion is, you take up any behavior issues, and respect issues with her, preferably privately, so you can get your opinions and such across to her, without "undermining" and word your concerns in a way that are not "attacking" skids, but the behaviors. It seemed to work for me, and my SO and I were able to start seeing eye to eye on a lot of issues.
A lot of that, is going to depend on ur gf. She will either see her own errors, and see her child's behavior, or she won't. And if she doesn't, then you will need to know for yourself, what you can tolerate, and what you can't. Sometimes deciding on what you consider to be the absolute worst, deal breaking behavior, is the one you can address first..and try to let the others go for now. If she can work with you, as a couple, to address and discipline her kids, and discover what her expectations of you as fat as kids go, then you can make a decision.
Boundaries, Disengaging, expectations....all of that should be addressed, discussed.
Hate to say it
But I think you definitely need to move on. From what I’ve read, these things don’t really get better. SD13 is only going to get older and become worse. My niece is epileptic and it has created some maturity issues, and she just recently turned 15 with a vengeance. She has gotten way worse than she was at 13, attitude and behavior wise. SS12 would have been ok without you before, and he will be now, believe it or not. It’s really sad and I’m so sorry you have to make such a choice, but this is not looking good.
^^^^THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Could
^^^^THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Could not have said it better myself and Thanks Echo for putting it so bluntly.
I think you need to think
I think you need to think about what you need from her in order to continue in the relationship: kids have bedtimes, kids receive an impactful consequence when they are disrespectful, kids have chores, etc. Be specific.
Present this information to her and if she can agree, give her time to implement the changes in her household and then begin seeing her again.
If she chooses not to, then you already know what you are getting in to and will only get worse.
I dont know if my problem
I dont know if my problem firs but i could sure use some help my ss is a total spoiled ungrateful spoiled brat he is 8 years old (only child) i have children but not with his dad well my ss does no wrong in his dads eyes he does whatever he wants whenever he wants has no rules his dad an mom baby him to no end he throws fits like a baby when dont get his way he is very mean to my 4 yr old son tries to hurt him on purpose an yet his dad says kids will be kids he does nothing to the child for his rude hatful mean behavior he screams at him in the face whines about everything cant even get him self dressed put on or tie his own shoes only bc he dont want to not bc he cant he loves to cause problems makes a point to an i cringe when i know the child is coming for the weekend or week during the summer i can not stand this child at all he makes my skin crawl now bc i know when he is here its only going to be hell until he is gone again i do not want to lose his dad but i can not do this one sided treatment no more his child does no wrong i raise my children to have an show respect an appreciate who an what they have i am at the end of my rope with this i need help bc i seriously can not stand this child anymore
If you are the only person
If you are the only person trying in your relationship, its probably time to quit. Both of you need to decide and be finished for good, or go all in. A point I'd like to add, if you stay with her and you have a child with her, is this what you would like to happen with your own child? Odds are she will never change and WHY she is single. I've seen step parents be more active with SC than the actual parents and truthfully it's not worth the headache, heartache and stress you will endure no matter how much you care.
Unfortunately it doesn't seem
Unfortunately it doesn't seem like she'll ever consider listening to your concerns regarding how she's choosing to raise (or rather not) raise her children. If she's not shown willing by now, even after having the concept of losing you floated around, then nothing will change. Cut your losses and walk away.
Rescue projects rarely make
Rescue projects rarely make for successful relationships. I get that you feel love for this woman. However, if she does not make the relationship and you her priority over all else as you do with the relationship and her... in all liklihood it is doomed ot failure.
No more rescue projects. Find a true equity life partner that does not need rescuing and who can be all in on an equity life partnership with you.
Prior relationship breeders are not necessarily rescue projects and many are certainly capable and worthy of the commitment of a new life partner, however, it is important to be very cognizant that they can be a lost cause and unrescuable. Your SO and her behavior regarding her daugther, raising the kid without accountability and without standards makes her, both of them for that matter, a write off.
Sadly that also means saying goodbye to he good kid she has somehow managed to grow.
A clean break is the best path IMHO. If it is in the cards you can have a relationship with SS when he turns 18.
Good luck. Take care of you.