Extras...
Fss is going to 5 this year so that of course means school will begin. FMIL has been on FDH's back about how he NEEDS to buy all the extras (as far as school items, activies etc.) for BM because FMIL thinks "it's the right thing to do" because BM makes less money, we had the meeting w/ her last night about her recent cray cray and she just HAD to sneak these comments in so that's why I'm asking... I know raising a kid is expensive however I thought that's what child support is for? FMIL was a "single" mom (I use quotes bc FDH's dad paid her 2000 a month in the early 90's and yet she still couldn't manage to pay her bills even though she worked full time and expected FDH's dad to foot the bill for ALL extras) and she thinks FDH should go above and beyond what he pays in child support. However BM lives with her wealthy parents so she doens't pay rent or any bills other than her cell phone... and even if she did have extra bills, again I thought that's what child support is for...
So I'm curious how all you STalkers out there who have school aged steps handle this... is it normal to give BM extra money for skid activities/school stuff?
BTW, if anyone is wondering, meeting w/ FMIL went oookay... I guess. At first she tried to play the victim but eventually she let FDH talk. She listened and tried to argue her point but FDH did lay out clearly what boundaries we expect. Do I think she gets it? No. Do i think we'll have issues again? Yes. BUT I was able to speak up and let her know she is NOT to come into my house and disrepect me again, so she knows where I stand. If she continues to badger FDH I dont wanna hear it, it's his mom and he can deal with her.
Things over and above food,
Things over and above food, clothing and shelter are usually shared costs. But if she's not paying for food and shelter, she can pay the extras. What does the CO say?
The CO they have doesn't
The CO they have doesn't specify anything other than what fdh pays her for child support, nothing else. They don't yet have a parenting plan in place so it's all so there isn't really anything that goes over that.
Yeah, FDH pays her about 400
Yeah, FDH pays her about 400 a month for FSS... which wouldn't bother me if she used it on him. She is from an uppity family who pretty much pays for everything for fss and BM lives there for free and the only reason they let her is because the last time they kicked her out fss ended up in the hospital because her house was so trashy that fss drank some air freshener and ended up in the hospital...don't even ask me why fdh didn't fight for custody then, i wasn't in the picture yet.
yeah this stuff with FMIL/fdh's family is just so stupid already and it's seriously wearing me down.
I would not support giving
I would not support giving her any money other than what he is legally bound to give her per the court order.
This is how I feel. I guess
This is how I feel. I guess you could say we HAVE the extra money to do but that's because I make more money than him so pretty much what it comes to is I have the extra money NOT fdh and to me I Just feel like if you cannot do things with your kid on your time then send him to live with us and we can do it. Maybe my thinking is wrong?
If you open the door to more
If you open the door to more it will never stop. She will then think she has free reign to demand whatever she wants from you and trust me, when it comes to money, BM's have no shame whatsoever. Your money is YOUR MONEY and you are in no way obligated to spend one thin damn dime on his children. BM tries to work DH for money at time now, but not anything like before it was put into the modification that he pays her 100 a month. She was lucky to get that and the only reason DH agreed to it was so that she could not say he has to give her whatever she asks for because there is no amount in the court order. They have 50/50 joint, but the kid goes to school, well he did before they expelled him, where she lives so the support is for school lunches, clothes, supplies, etc. BM never worked, lived off the system and her parents, they paid all of her bills, gave a her a car, let her live in their guest house, so she had no concept of being a responsible parent or adult. She has now trapped another man into a marriage by getting pregnant after two months of dating and he makes a lot of money, travel and is gone 90% of the time, so she is in heaven right now, but it won't last because she will spend whatever he makes faster than he can make it. The overall point is though, no matter what you make, no matter what she makes, if it is not court ordered there is no obligation, that is what going to court and getting it written down in black in white is for, so there is no room for complications over money.
OOOohhh yeah, I could totally
OOOohhh yeah, I could totally see BM taking that as an obligation rather than trying to help with the fss.
That's what I'm sayin!! I hate how she always thinks her opinion is right. The night we had our meeting it irritated me because apparently BM asked her to babysit sometime in June and FMIl was like "I told BM yes I could babysit during the day for her and then I can just drop Fss off with you at night." and maybe i'm being b*tchy but like umm hello how do you know if we're even going to be in town or what. NO one discussed this with fdh or myself!
Stick to the court order.
Stick to the court order. The more your DH makes the more money will go to CS. The court figures fairly liberally in many cases on what % of the parent's pay is typically spent on a child.
If the court determines that 20% of his salary is appropriate for the child that's what it is. Of course you are going to end up spending a lot more when the child is with you for activities, food, etc. If that 20% is not enough to pay for extra activities then it means that the parent's income in not enough to afford to do extra stuff.
Not everybody can send their kid to a $20,000 a year school, private lessons, etc.
Your income is irrelevant. Your DH may choose to scrimp in other areas (which hopefully only affect him) in order to pay for more things for a child just like any parent may. He should NEVER under any circumstances give BM more cash.
Thank you oldone, your input
Thank you oldone, your input is always so good to have.
Being that he hasn't started school yet I just want to know if my thoughts on this are rational. I feel that way too about if you don't have the extra money you just dont do things. My parents didn't put me anything when i was a kid because there just wasnt enough money for it.
i would say pay for what you
i would say pay for what you can afford AFTER your households' needs, savings, retirement, and extras are paid for. if there's nothing left, the skid extras come out of child support or it doesn't happen. my dh works 2 jobs just to pay child support and help support us. bm may have to get a second job (unlikely since she is taken care of herself). i worked 2 jobs and didn't ask my ex for a penny over child support.
Not one penny except for a
Not one penny except for a weeks summer camp which the ex wife thought unnecessary.
I see, I see. that's what I
I see, I see. that's what I thought about school stuff. I know how BM is and that if FDH starts doing the extras it'll be never ending.
If it's not in the CO, you
If it's not in the CO, you can draw a hard line and refuse to pay any of it. That is, in theory, what CS is for.
However, it depends on the situation. Our CO is silent on extras, and DH pays child support. He contributes to the extras by paying half of the registration fees - directly to the organization. The other half plus any equipment or uniform costs are paid by BM. If BM doesn't pay her half, his half is refunded to him. No dealing with BM or paying the money through her.
He doesn't have to. He does it because he wants to support his kids in their sports. He also doesn't pay very much in CS considering he has 2 kids (in comparison to others here).
This is a very slippery slope
This is a very slippery slope and hard to stop once started. We gave BM nothing extra as that was what CS was for and frankly, she couldn't be trusted to do the right thing with that.
Also, absolutely none of FMIL's business.
I love how these parents tell their grown kids what to do with their money. One poster's FIL thinks his son should pay for BM's rehab. I mean, really! My response to all of them: Feel free to open your wallet, if you're so concerned about it.
I agree with others... it is
I agree with others... it is a slippery slope. I would NOT give any money. However, if there was extra in the budget, I would buy the items needed (ie: before SS goes back to school, get lots of crayons, writing tablets, blunt end scissors, glue sticks, etc that you can send with him). Also, if you decide to pay for registrations for something send it directly to the activity director, not to BM. However, whatever you do now, at the age of 5, be prepared for BM to want it to continue until 18.
DH and BM have 50/50 custody
DH and BM have 50/50 custody so no one pays child support. DH doesn’t make a lot of money, but BM doesn’t work so he obviously makes more than her. Even so, we don’t give her money for anything. If she doesn’t make enough to support her kid on her weeks, she can get off her butt and get a job and go to work every day like we do. DH does pay for SD’s soccer but he doesn’t give the money to BM, he just writes a check to the soccer league. Other than that, nope. BM can provide for SD during her time with SD.
If you do choose to pay for “extras”, I would just buy the items and not give BM the money because if she is anything like the BM I know, she will spend it on herself and not the things the kid needs.
Yep, this is what I'm worried
Yep, this is what I'm worried about IF IF IF fdh starts to cover extras. when fdh and I first started dating BM demanded that fdh pay the costs and because he was still in that, so terrified of bm taking my kid mode he did it for a few months. But he was giving her money orders made out to HER. One day BMs mom called FDH and asked him not to write the money order out to BM because she was using the money on herself and demanding that her own mother pay the costs of daycare because she didn't have the money... mind you, BM wasn't even working at the time, she just wanted to get rid of FSS for the day.
Maybe this is wrong, but I guess my thinking is, if you cannot afford to do those things because you refuse to get a job then send the kid to live with us and we can provide.
child expensives should be
child expensives should be split 50/50 therfore the custody parent needs to pay for 1/2 of all things too. with that being said if you pay lets says 500 a month support then then BM should also contribute 500 a month toward kid and i know darn well it dont cost 1000 a month to take care of basic needs plus activities.
we pay nothing extra above our court order we always pay and the BM needs to contribute the same amount he gave to her and it is more then enough to cover all.
then you have to figure skids go back and forth between two houses so the person paying support also pays for the child to live in the 2nd house too plus activies there and vacations ect. then you need to figure in the BM gets the tax break too at end of the year and that counts for something... i say pay no more then the order and BM needs to contribute an equal amount to her own child.
me and my ex do no child support at all but i expect him to contribute to large things and he will never claim my kids on his taxes since they live with me and i get no regular child support. not complaining here but i take full responsibility for the kids i wanted and will pay for them too.
also as far as housing is considered the BM has to live somewhere right so she will have rent/ mortgage regardless of kids or not so i always felt that child support should not be included in house payment but maybe thats just me i guess.
The only problem with this
The only problem with this logic is that the courts (in most states) have clearly decided that expenses are not split 50/50. DH may be paying more because his salary is higher.
Otherwise, I agree. The share each parent should be contributing, plus tax breaks, should all be factored in and considered before any additional money is contributed for extras.
oh for sure our state is this
oh for sure our state is this way too so i know the courts are bias and this is why we pay nothing above the order. the best thing is the BM used to take us back to court every two years you could set your clock by it and then when she finally got a job she did not want the court knowing so we finally had her right where we wanted her. last time she asked for extra $ my DH said we really havent been to court in a while and they might need to recaluate your income. lol. we never took her back to court when she got a job we just figured screw it just let her never ask us for anything again and so far 3 years later she has not asked for money since DH made that little statement...love it!
Buy the items yourself or
Buy the items yourself or your husband and don't give her any money!
Some BMs have outrageous demands...just because they threw a kid out of their vagina!
In our case, BM doesn't pay anything for the child. We had to buy everything for school for him last fall. And we will continue to do so. You like this arrangement because my husband says he does not want to give her any reason to think that she can make decisions about the child if she paid any money.
She can't afford to pay for him. This is what she said. But she lives in a big city, drives a fairly expensive car and underwent a breast augmentation surgery 2 years ago so she will look good in the mirror. But she does not give a s...t about the needs of her son. I remember she said 2 years ago that I don't have to pay any money out of my pocket for her son. That is her obligation. Do you, guys, think she paid anything??? She paid s...t! Nothing!!!! Lip-service...like my husband says.
DH (and his grandma) buy the
DH (and his grandma) buy the back to school clothes for SD. I'm thrilled with that, because that means that SD gets appropriate clothes (no tank tops and no booty shorts). BM tends to buy trashy clothes or clothes adorned with hello kitty so SD either looks like a tiny hooker or a really big 4 yr old. As far as school supplies, last year we spent $20 and got everything on her list - except for the backpack. MIL picked one up for about $50 at Justice (way more than I would have spent!).