If no ones feelings are hurt and the kids come up with it themselves instead of being prodded. Its a rare bio-mother who won't be made to feel uncomfortable with it so make sure you're not reading into the situation more than actually exists.

Personally I would have to say I'm against it unless bm is either not in the picture or dead. I wouldn't allow Fss to call me mom because he already has a mom... bm may a sh*tty person and most of the time doesn't have fss's best interest in heart however I know she loves him and that's his mom. To each her own though

It depends on the individual family I think. I won't give a blanket statement to everyone's situation. If a kid wants to, I'd let them. Many of our posters here are stepkids as well, and many have stepparents who they view as much as their bioparent AND call them mom or dad because that's how they feel.

DH and I have a young man living with us, came from a horrible home, drugs, alcohol, violence, etc. We took him in after he got in trouble with the law--he was already a student with us at the time, and when we heard he was in trouble we stepped up to help as best we could. He calls me "mom" (and DH "dad") even though he's very close in age with us because he said we are more family than his ever was.

He called me "mom" in front of his real mother (a real piece of work--lost all her teeth to drugs, lost the rest of her children to the state) when she came to visit. He introduced her to me as "Mom, this is my mother. Ma, this is mom, she takes care of me." That, and she needed a place to stay for a week when she got into a drunken physical altercation with her sister who kicked her out.

We feed him, house him, give him advice, protected him when people came looking for him to fight, took responsibility for his parole, so if he feels that I am the closest thing he has to a real mom, and if he feels DH is the closest thing he has to a real dad--that's his feelings, and I wouldn't take that away from him.

I think I would look for an alternative name, but if BM was out of the picture and the kid wants to call me mom, then I would explain the situation to him first, and if he says he doesn't care, then I think that's his decision.

This is all IMHO. I would never force anyone or even expect anyone to call me mom. I would just expect "Mrs. DH's Last Name" as I personally don't believe children should call adults by their first name. However, their decision to call me what they want has to be their own. I will not sway them one way or the other. I will do my best to be who I am, and if they deem that person good enough for them to feel like they want to call me "mom" then go for it.

I wouldn't care if my daughter wanted to call her dad's girlfriend "mom" but I know that's not the case since my girl can't stand her dad's gf. And when SD14 dared to call me mom (a month into mine and her dad's relationship, no lie) - I simply corrected her and say "You have a mom, you can call me Mel"

Mine calls me mom. It makes me feel really weird. She just started about 9 months or so ago...right about when her real mom went to jail. Wonder if that will change once BM is back?

Going back to when I was a kid in school with my friends, my own half sibling, friends that have married ppl with kids, EVERY SINGLE TIME, it does not matter what the BM does, said, how they acted, when it really came down to it they are the MOM and they always eventually turned on the SM, whether they called the SM Mom or not.

>>>is it ok if your SKs call you mom?<<<

No, it is not OK if DH's kids call me mom.

Good question. I think as long as everyone is fine w/ it, then who cares what people think. Every family is different. My DH calls both his real dad and step-dad "dad." A guy at work refers to his SD as "my daughter." I've never once heard him say step-daughter. If you didn't know, you'd never guess she was his SD. He talks about her like she's his own. SD13 calls me by my 1st name, but sometimes she'll be talking about something and she'll say "well, you ARE my mom." For example: My DH was sleeping (he works nights) and when I came home, SD asked me to take her to conferences. She said "you can take me because you ARE my mom now." Stuff like that. I wouldn't mind if she called me mom. It might feel a little different at first because no one has ever called me that, but I wouldn't have a problem w/ it. I'm pretty sure BM wouldn't like it though!

As for the people who say you're not her mom so she shouldn't be calling you that - What about adopted kids? The adoptive mother didn't give birth to the kid, but in the eyes of the law (and everyone else), she is his mom. Nobody says "you didn't give birth to him, so you are NOT his mother." She's his mother because she cares for him and feeds him and nurtures him. Not because she shot him out of her womb.

I wish there was another term besides "step." I wish there was something SD could call me besides my 1st name. Not mom, but something nicer than step-mom. It would also be nice if there was somthing else I could call her when I'm referring to her. I feel like if I say "daughter" it takes away from BM (even though she's a complete idiot), but saying "step-daughter" seems like it takes away from the relationship I have w/ SD (which is very good). Any ideas?

Back when ss was little he did call me mom. I met him when he was 1. He was with me 80 per cent of the time and I had two other sil molar age kids calling me mom. Now on the flip side, he also called bm's hubby dad while he was there for visits. No one really seemed to care and we were all ok with it. We initially blended pretty well until ss turned into a budding psychopath. Ss reverted to calling me by my first name whe he was around 11 or so. Actually a shortened version of my first name that mostly just dh calls me. I don't like it when ss calls me that. He also reverted to calling my parents by their given names. He calls his former stepdad by his given name too as he and bm divorced when ss was 8. I'm not sure what he calls bm- last thing I heard that he called her was "whore". He last called my dh a paranoid retired combat medic. I guess a shortened version of my name is not so bad relatively speaking.

My skids just call me by my first name....they have a mother and I am not her.

I have known SS14 since he was 5. BM was/is custodial, except for last school year. When he lived with BM before, he called me by my first name. When we became custodial, he started calling me mom like my kids do. However, it was a year of pure HELL... mostly because BM has totally PASed him against me, and still tries to PAS him against DH. The stuff he does, behaviors, etc all support that. Anyway, this school year he decided to move back to BM for good. (yay!) I told DH that I dont want him to call me mom anymore... that he has a mom, and if he treats her like he does me, then I dont want to be his mom... and DH is supportive, but hasn't told SS yet as he doesn't want him to freak out at BMs so she can just go off on how horrible of a person I am again. So we get to wait until he visits this summer. But when he texts me on holidays (ie Valentines Day), it really makes me just want to :sick:

I do think that part of the reason he started to call me mom was that his BM got pissed any time he would bring me up. I am sure he also called her by my name sometimes. But at 14 he is old enough to differentiate. Also, he is a manipulative a** who used to tell his mom "icehockey is the best mom in the whole world" to get what he wanted, and I am sure he still does. So that doesn't help.

If you and your DH are comfortable with it, and your SKs are, then it's okay. You may catch some flack from Bm and others but who cares? it's your family. DH and I agree on the same point in our home as well.

there will always be people everywhere you go who were going to tell you that you are doing something wrong as a step mom. So there is no reason to worry about what anyone else thinks about your parenting style. Keep that in mind because you will have to tell yourself that often

I called my stepfather dad. It felt completely right to do so and still does. He even walked me down the aisle when I got married. Kids will call you what they are comfortable with calling you ( provided its not disrespectful and the term isn't forced on the kiddo).

I personally would not let what an 8 year old says or does make me go along with something that I was once uncomfortable with. If she was uncomfortable with the kids calling her Mom, there was a reason, and she has a right to be called something she is comfortable with and the kids, can and will adapt. If the OP's BM is really that big of a bitch to her kids, they most likely have emotional issues and are projecting their want for a Mommy figure onto her and are most likely used to manipulating emotions because that is what BM has modeled, so they cry, to get their way, knowing OP won't want to hurt their feelings. I have spent too long being a doormat, letting things slide, not speaking up when I was uncomfortable or if I disagreed, just for the sake of being agreeable, and I don't do that anymore. It is a good thing sometimes to set up boundaries to protect yourself from grief later on down the road. These boys, may not hurt her, but from what I have witnessed in my life, the ones that have been the most emotionally damaged by their BM, are the ones that cling to her and leave the SM in the dust later on because they desperately want what they have never had, THEIR MOTHER's love. A SM can substitute that for a child when they have no other option, but the second that BM calls them back, most always the loyalties to SM go out the window and BM is the Mom.

My SD5 calls me by my first name. Sometimes I feel like it’s disrespectful for a kid to call an adult by just a first name, but then again there really isn’t another option that I have come up with. I don’t want her to call me “stepmom” unless she just says it when she is referring to me- I don’t want “stepmom” to be my name. She also has never called me mom, never even slipped up and said it. I don’t want her to call me mom because 1. I’m not her mom and I do plan on having my own children and 2. It would cause nothing but more unnecessary drama with the BM. She would FLIP if she found out “her daughter” was calling another woman mom, and although I don’t have my own kids yet, I can’t say I would blame her. I can’t imagine having my kid call another woman mom. But in your case, if no one has a problem with it, then I guess it’s ok.

The other day my SS27 was referring to me and said:

"I don't know what you are - my dad's wife, stepmom ??? and then went on to suggest "Mom". It's really sad as he is so needy. I just sort of laughed and didn't give him an answer as it wasn't a direct question.

This is a hard one. I think it's easier for kids to call step parents Mom & Dad in a blended family situation - they are always hearing each other say it. My SD hears me constantly get called mom, my bio hears my DH constantly called Dad. It rubs off. They know who their bio Mom's and Dad's are, and at a point it seems almost detrimental to keep reminding them over and over to call us by our first names.

Well I tell mine to do what makes them comfortable. I am not trying to take BM place I am their SM. So they call me by forst name and when introducing me call me their Dad's wife...Whateevr if it keeps peace casue BM would crap her pants if she ever heard them call me mom.LOL...They did give me mother's day cards and I have no children and she had a fit about that. LOL Oh well.
I think it depends on the situation though.

I think the general consensus is that if you are forcing kids it is wrong and if they want to call their step parent "mom" or "dad" then it's great.

Some might say you should never call a step parent that title because it is sacred but I think most of those people are the bio parent and therefore have more of an emotional bond to the title.

It depends on the situation. I wouldn't correct a child who willingly did it because they may see it as a rejection or keeping them at arm's length. There's no need to force them though because then the honor is no longer an honor. It loses it's meaning if it isn't borne of genuine respect and love but instead of fear of being punished.