Drug addicted BM's
Does anyone have any experience with an addict BM? BM in my case is a heroin and opiate user who has 8 felonies ranging from theft, uttering, fraud, identity theft, g.t.larceny to possession and driving while drunk. She was in methadone maintenence last year, but, was arrested for taking out fake cards in her siblings names. This makes me think that she was still using during that time. She has been in jail since early May of 2012. That was her 2nd time, that I know of, for being in jail for that type of thing. Also, she has a disease from sharing needles. Pretty bad case. What are the chances that she will do ok this time? She will be released next week and I really want her to do better because I feel that my SD deserves to have a real mother figure in her life. I am not that person, I can't be, and I don't want to be. Any experiences with addict BM's would be appreciated.
Also, just because she is an addict does not mean that things are hopeless..Id say she is at rock bottom..but I know from experience that people can overcome addiction and lead normal lives. I do hate this woman, so much, and seeing her fail does make me smile, but again...my SD needs a mom and I am not her.
Am I obligated to fill that
Am I obligated to fill that role if BM can't? Am I obligated because my husband has custody of SD? Am I evil because I don't really wan't to be that person? Am I evil because SD probably wants me to be that person? I have so much conflict. Part of me wants BM to get better so that SD can get the love that I give to my bio from SOMEONE. DH loves her...but that won't be enough when bio daughter is old enough for it to be obvious that both parents in the house love her where SD only has one??? How can I just love her without being resentful of the negative influence BM has and will have?? SD calls me mom and everything...I don't expect this to continue when BM is back though..that is what this is really about. BM will be back. I have been "disengaged" so to speak for about a year. Not emotionally but I do not do the things for SD that her dad does..and I do not feel that I should have to or am obligated to..YET...i still feel guilty over it. I also have a small baby and am pregnant..so I use that as an excuse, but it's really not. I'm just a crazy bitch.
You are very wise, Cheri.
You are very wise, Cheri. You are right, it is hard because everyone DOES expect that I am willingly and happily stepping up as mommy to this girl.
And you are also right about these types of BM's not being developed as parents. BM has zero control of SD and zero parenting ability. She is good at getting high on her ever increasing methadone dose, sleeping until 5pm and them playing with SD all night bc shes sill in her intoxicated methadone stooper. Being a BFF to your daughter and being a mother are 2 different things. Sometimes I feel that this is the root of my problem. If BM is a BFF, how can I be a parent? I will just become "wicked."
Thank you for all of your replies, you are very smart
No I do not expect you to
No I do not expect you to step up and be the mom because you are not the mom. You just aren't.
A good friend of mine had a lovely step mom since she was two. She likes her a lot and they have always gotten along but now at the age of 60 she has never considered her her mother.
As for the mom getting clean. No impossible but highly unlikely. Maybe 1 in 10 chance.
Are these feelings new with
Are these feelings new with your pregnancy? Are you trying to disengage so you can be full time for your off-spring? These are understandable feelings and instinctively normal. But you did sign on didn't you? Can you put yourself above our ancestrial instinctive feelings? We're not roaming the plains of Africa any more and our food supplies are not such that we need to rid outselves of rival gene pools.
I'm not trying to be insulting here. You do describe yourself as 'crazy' so you recognize that your hormonal levels are all over the place and once again thats normal and understandable. You do want what's best for your own blood and that's also normal. I also realize that you can't save all the kids in the world.
But can you find room in your heart for one? If not can you fake it? In the end that's all that's needed isn't it? All parents have a favorite kid, but most kids never catch on because the parent covers it - can you do the same?
In the long run it'll be better for your bio-child(ren), your husband, the girl and yes yourself.
Yes, pregnancy has a LOT to
Yes, pregnancy has a LOT to do with the way that I feel..in fact, my own child is only 11months so I have either been pregnant or post partum for the last 20 months.
I do think that you are right about faking it. My husband said the same thing.."can you fake it?" I can fake it...but I cannot lessen my emotions for my own offspring to compensate for my lacking emotions for SD. We had a long talk last night, my husband and I, and I told him that he really needs to bridge the gap and that is when he brought up "faking it." I agreed to that. I am not pure evil, and I do care for my SD. She is a good girl too. She has come a very long way BECAUSE I have been in her life. My situation is mostly within myself because SD is not an over all bad child.
Thank you for your reply.
yep my skid's baby momma is a
yep my skid's baby momma is a heroin addict too. she comes and sees the kid a few times a year, always making promises she can't deliver etc. she comes with toys she somehow got her hands on, so she's always the big hero. skid has autism and a 74 iq which is borderline retarted, so i know he doesn't get it that she's a pure waste of skin! But i'm glad he has her to go to sometimes because, like you above, i don't like my skid, i do not EVER want to be his mother, hope he's got one of those, it aint me.....and i want him to SEE whes older that 'mom of the year' was all about her heroin over raising her crotch dropping.