Why does this have to be so hard?
I am just reading some of the new posts on here and it seems like most SMs are in agreement that your marriage should be the #1 priority. DH and I actually have had many fights over this issue because he feels kids are #1 priority.
SD is 5 and pretty much runs the house. DH and I have great weeks together, then as soon as SD gets back (we have her every other week) it’s OVER until she is gone again. The entire week she is here is all about what she wants to do, when she wants to do it (major guilty parenting going on). I feel like my life is pretty much being put on hold every other week since I really can’t do anything I want to do when she is there (I can go out and do my own things, which I do, but I mean things I want to do with my DH).
I’m 27 and I have no kids and sometimes I just feel like I should not be doing this. It’s so much drama and so much bs and so much of never being put first and I really feel like DH does not appreciate it at all. I want to have my own kids and DH and I have been talking about it (I posted about that on here last week), but for every moment I am excited and happy about it, there’s a moment where I wonder what the heck I am doing.
DH and I have been together 3 years so I don’t feel like giving it time is going to change anything, and me not having kids is not an option. So basically my choices are to deal with the situation and have my own babies or to decide I don’t want to be part of this stepfamily mess and find a childless man to start my own family with. Why does this have to be so hard? 
It is very hard. But it
It is very hard. But it doesnt have to be! Your situation sucks because of your DH. He is CHOOSING to put his child above you and allows her to be HBIC when she is there. The reason that blended families do work is because there is alot of communication and being on the same page by the SM and their SO. I hate my situation, hate being with a man with a kid, HATE it! BUT my BF is great! He puts me/us FIRST and he would NEVER allow skid/bm to cause problems for us or he would tell them to go fuck themselves in a heart beat!
If my BF wasnt as great as he is, I would have already told him to pound sand. You need to be brutally honest with your DH and let him know that this EOW bullshit is NOT working for you anymore and either things change or you will walk. Sometimes men need to be "hit" that hard to wake the fuck up! Hope it all works out for you!!!
Thanks, Tasha. I have talked
Thanks, Tasha. I have talked to my DH so many times I have lost count. We have even been to counseling. I really do love him, and when SD isn’t around things are absolutely great- we have no issues, we never argue, we have a lot of fun together, it’s actually very relaxing- but she is there 50% of the time so that is a huge amount of time that I am spending being unhappy. I think if it were just every other weekend I could deal because it’s easy to find something to do for the weekend, but finding things to do for 7 days is difficult. I know if I made him choose SD or me, he would choose her in a heartbeat and I feel like crap every time I say something about now wanting her around and I really don’t want to ask him to choose. It sucks because we are at the point in our relationship and in our lives where we do want a baby, but it’s like do I really want to bring a baby into this? I just don’t know. I just wish I wasn’t even in this situation at all.
I completely understand! I
I completely understand! I couldnt deal with that for one second! I know how hard it is to love someone so much and truly want to be with them but their situation sucks so bad and you wish it would just disappear! I have felt that way but it isnt as bad as it used to be because I am starting to realize and find comfort in the fact that my BF truly means it and shows me that me and our relationship come first to him and always will.
I really feel for you and this painful situation that you are in. There is no easy or cut and dry way to handle this especially when you love the person. Because either way you will feel like you lose. BUT at least if you do leave, you will have so many oppurtunites to meet someone new and now that you know what you will and wont ever put up with in a relationship that will help you to weed out the good from the wastes of time.
I sincerely wish you the best with your situation/decision. I know that in the end you will be alright and you will do what is ultimately best for YOU and YOUR HAPPINESS!!!
Tasha, that is EXACTLY how I
Tasha, that is EXACTLY how I feel! I wish all this would just go away so we could be happy! It’s good that your bf is showing you how important you are to him and that your relationship is the priority. It’s hard because I am at the point in our relationship (and my life) where I am ready to have children but I always second guess myself as to whether or not that is a good idea. I know for sure I don’t want to be a SM and not have bio kids. Not having kids really is not an option to me at all because I am 100% sure I want to be a mother. I will have to do some serious thinking about this one. Thank you for the input!!
Do not have a child with this
Do not have a child with this man if it means that child will always be put on the back shelf and have to play second fiddle to the first one. Of course he will claim that he would never do that - but you be the judge of whether you can believe him or not.
That answer will guide all of your decisons. I've seen many a marriage breakup because one of the partner finally realizes that the spouse is NOT the person they want to raise children with. (and then go on to a happy remarriage)
Oldone, I honestly do not
Oldone, I honestly do not know if that is how it would be or not. I wish I did know. I know for sure that DH’s opinion is that kids come first BUT I don’t know if he would treat our child differently than SD or not. I have a feeling DH’s family probably will, just because they feel sorry for SD so they spoil her. I just wish I could see the future but don’t we all!
Echo- good points. DH has
Echo- good points. DH has major guilty parenting issues- from the time SD gets to our house until she goes back to her mom’s (which, mind you, is an entire WEEK at a time, not just a weekend) it’s all about her and what she wants to do. He literally goes the WHOLE week planning fun stuff for her to do. It’s exhausting. I know it’s ENTIRELY his fault and SD is not to blame, but I can’t help being resentful just because the problems do surround her being in my home, even though she is not the cause of the problems. It just sucks because even though this is a HUGE issue, it really is our only issue. DH and I grew up together (I knew him way before he got involved with BM) so we have a lot of history. I wish there was a way to fix this.
Thanks, Cheri. I am finding
Thanks, Cheri. I am finding that I really resent SD because of the way my life is when she is around, but I know it really isn’t her fault at all. She’s only 5 and she should not be given that kind of power. DH really doesn’t parent her- he’s more of a friend. He wants her approval or something and he wants to be the good guy in her eyes. I know he loves his kid and would do anything for her, but you’re right, the actual parenting is not there.
Whatever you do, do no, do
Whatever you do, do no, do not have a child with this man. Not only will your new baby have to deal with you disliking its' half sibling, you ll have to deal with the fact that this kid is a half sibling and then there is the issue that when they get older they want to spend more time with each other. Your child could end up at the BM house. I have been with my fiance since his daughter was 14 months old. You would think that she would be used to me at almost four, but no. Its constant issues and problems. Last night, she told a lie to big that it caused so much stress and problem it ruined what weekend I had left. I am not married to this man and I have decided not to marry him. I love him and I can deal with every other weekend (i go do my own thing) while she is here and enjoy him when she s gone. I realize that it will never work, for her and her mother will always be a problem. I used to care and I tried, but its not worth what it does to my skin, hair, and my health. Youre young and If I was your mother Id say leave as hard as it maybe and start a fresh and new life. There will never be any peace with this one. I promise you that!
Thanks, JustBlank. I guess my
Thanks, JustBlank. I guess my issue is that people are saying I should not have a child with him, but I am not going to sacrifice my dream of being a mother just because DH has a screwed up past. So basically my choices are to leave (which I really don’t want to do, since we have a great relationship when SD isn’t around) or have a baby with him. Me not having a baby and staying is not going to happen, because I have no interest in being a SM and not having my own children.
I have a similar situation to you- SD is 5 and I have been in her life since she was 1 and we still have issues. I don’t blame you one bit for not wanting to marry into such a crappy situation!
I just wish I could go back in time and be with DH before BM!
I wish that everyday, sadly,
I wish that everyday, sadly, he wishes that too, but then I dont see him doing anything to change our enviroment with her. Its like he looks at it as she s just here once every other weekend, so he ignores it. Its easier to ignore what your own children do, but when your sharing a life its different. Do you feel like she just hates you or is jealous of you and her father? do you look at her and see nothing but the mother, meaning her actions and the way she looks and despise him for ever sleeping with her mother for her to exist? I find myself in turmoil and ill forget and be happy for our two weeks then on that Monday I realize OMG, she ll be here Friday and I get depressed. I am mad at him for shrugging it off. I will never love her like he does, nor do I expect he ll love my son as I do, with that I would think people would realize that rules and lines have to be made to be happy and stay together.
JustBlank- Yup, that’s how I
JustBlank- Yup, that’s how I feel! Except SD really likes me. She is always wanting to do things with me and follows me around, but I suspect that is because her mother pays no attention to her (she is supposed to have her 50% of the time but she is always pushing her off on other people). DH says she is looking for a mother figure.
But yes I feel like she is jealous because when DH and I are talking, she has to interrupt. When we are sitting together on the couch, she has to jump in between. Stuff like that. It always has to be about her.
She looks exactly like her mother so yes, when I look at her I just see her mother and the horrible mistake DH made (SD was an oopsie- DH and BM were never married and definitely were not planning a pregnancy- well at least DH wasn’t). DH says all the time he wishes I were SD’s mom (he won’t say SD was a mistake- not that I expect him to- so instead of saying he should have not had a baby with BM, he says he wishes I were SD’s mom).
We get SD every other week for the full week so that week we have alone is really great! But then the day before SD comes back, reality hits and from the time she is with us until she goes back to her mom’s, I honestly feel like my life is on hold. I am just waiting for her to go back. It really, really sucks.
Cheri, yes I was warned. My
Cheri, yes I was warned. My family and friends did not think I should be in a step situation since I don’t have kids and they thought I should find a man without the baggage (I had a lot of trouble with the BM harassing/threatening me in the beginning which contributed a lot to their opinions of the situation- it wasn’t just the fact that DH has a kid). The thing that makes it so confusing though is that I am VERY happy when SD isn’t around. I would actually say my marriage is near perfect (we have arguments like every couple, but we talk and get over it). That’s why it’s so hard to throw all that away because of the SD issues. I think I am going to talk to a counselor (although you guys are probably just as good, if not better).
Honestly, if you are that
Honestly, if you are that determined that this isn't working, I would walk. It takes years, if it ever even gets better. By then, you would have spent your best years battling out with these people who messed up their lives and are now trying to take everyone else down with them. Good luck.
Thank you, herewegoagain.
Thank you, herewegoagain. It’s so hard! I really want a future with DH- I want a normal marriage, I want kids, I want all that. It’s just this issue with SD and I know she’s not going anywhere EVER, and I read on here all the stories about people who wish they never got involved with their DH but are “trapped” because they had kids with him and it just scares me!
If that truly scares you then
If that truly scares you then PLEASE heed these warnings that you are being given....you wound up here for a reason my friend...and we just want you to be
You can do this...you DESERVE to be happy and put FIRST and have beautiful babies with a great man that is all about YOU!!! Keep telling yourself that!!! xoxo