Disengaging from SD but totally engaged with BD

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This comes up frequently. I have the SD11 that I want nothing to do with. But I have BD12 who I adore. They are with us on opposite weekends. I do fun things with my daughter like skating and shopping and baking and such, but sometimes I like to do crafts with her. Tonight we are tie-dying T-shirts. When SD comes back and sees the 'evidence', she's going to be all pouty and pissy. In the past when this has happened, I just say, "don't you and your mom do things like this?" I just don't want my DH to give me shit about it, and if he does, I need to be prepared. I just recently told DH that me and my daughter have been horse-back riding for the past 2 1/2 years. He looked at me as if he was thinking why didn't I include SD in that. I said real quick, "we're riding horses not smoking crack." I only told him because it was bothering me to have that secret for so long. When me and my daughter take field trips I feel like that has to be kept a secret, too. If I take photos, I keep them out of SD's sight. Even when I buy my daughter something, SD comes back and says it's not fair. In the beginning, I DID buy SD the same things I bought BD, I just got tired of the ungrateful little bitch not saying thank you-she said NOTHING period. Another thing that's a problem, we will have SD on Easter. BD will be with her father. If I had just BD or both of the kids, I would do the Easter Basket thing, but since it's only SD, I'm not doing shit. I already know SD is going to pout about that and she might even ask me why there are no Easter baskets, hiding eggs, etc. What am I supposed to say to that?

Because he doesn't want to

Because he doesn't want to spend his time and his money doing things like that. But I don't feel like I should have to. If SD were a nice person, I WOULD!

Thanks. That could work. And

Thanks. That could work. And you're right, he isn't going to do anything with her.

Ask your dad? Why is your DH

Ask your dad?

Why is your DH not doing an Easter basket for his daughter?

I don't have any bios but my husband wanted me to do mother/daughter things with his daughter. I told him, she has a mother and I am not trying to replace that. Her weekends with us were supposed to be bonding time for them, not me and SD.

Actually, in the beginning, I did do things with her but it just didn't feel right after awhile.

If I had bios, I would not feel guilty about doing things with them that I didn't do with SD. I am not her mother.

I spent around $50 for

I spent around $50 for Valentine's Day because both of the kids were with us. I feel like it's his TURN? Maybe? The BM? She doesn't do anything with SD either. BM is self-employed and she told me with her own mouth that she only works on Thursdays the week we have SD, and 5 days the week SD is with her, "cause that week's shot anyway"!!! I was taken aback, but DH is VERY BUSY on the week we have SD. I'm sure they love SD, and each parent tolerates her for 7 days at a time, but neither one seem to REALLY WANT to be around her. The whining, the clinginess, she smells, she complains, she is negative, she is lazy, she stomps around, she lies, she really makes up all kinds of things that are unbelievable, she's dramatic, sarcastic and generally just a drag to be around.

Interesting. Makes ya wonder

Interesting. Makes ya wonder - do her parents avoid her BECAUSE she's all these less than fantastic things? OR is she all these things - because her parents AVOID her?

Kinda sad.

But you're right - if you picked up V-Day? Its your DH's turn to buy the damn chocolate rabbit.

YA know I think it's

YA know I think it's perfectly ok for you to be able to do things for your own children. If you want to buy your kid an easter basket, do it! Don't let your kid miss out because the other kid is horrible! Id be honest with your husbands daughter. Tell her it's not fun to buy things for her when she acts the way she does.

My mom used to buy easter stuff for her boyfriends kids and I used to get pissed because her boyfriend never did anything for us and my mom told me that she wanted to buy things for them and us. I wasn't happy about it, but she gave me the chance to understand, and I understood years later.

Kids on opposite weekends?? Isn't that hard? Man, I would crave some time to myself, and maybe if the kids spent some together your kid could set an example?

I often ask my husband, if we had a kid and I wanted to take MY kid to Disney World, and I didn't want to take his kid, how would that work? I asked, if I want to buy my kid a car, and we didn't buy his kid a car, how would that work? The answer I go was actually quite good, but I have a hard time believing he would actually feel this way at the time. He said, if she asked me, "Why am I not in that picture? Or Why can't I have that too?" his answer would be that is a decision for him and her mother to make. He said he would explain that they come from different families, and therefor have different standards, expectations and rules.

Ok one last thing.... I worry the most about SD getting pregnant at a young age since BM is a complete slut with no morals. I said to my husband what are you going to tell her when she asks about sex, or when to have children? How are you going to explain to her... ah.. well.. I was a 23 year old guy..and I knew your mom for 3 weeks before you were conceived? How are you going to explain when you have set the ultimate in poor examples?

Of course I'm going to buy my

Of course I'm going to buy my daughter something for Easter and give it to her the day when SD goes back to BM. My ex and I alternate holidays, and say it's his year for thanksgiving,we have ours the week before. I'm just SO TIRED of everything being a secret.
If I tell SD how it really is, she will cry to her dad and me and DH have been on a good streak for a few months straight. There's not a nice way to say, "you ruin all the fun with your shitty attitude."
Kids are on opposite weekends because I changed it to be that way a year and a half ago when I began to disengage. They are together 4 days out of the 7 that SD is here, and then the next week, I have BD for 6 days without SD.
I get time to myself when SD is here because I try to not be around or be in my bedroom. I DO MISS ALONE TIME WITH DH!!! We get 1 evening alone every 2 weeks. Plus 2 weekends a summer.

This post has come at a good

This post has come at a good time for me too..

We don't have DSD for Easter this year so I'm not doing an Easter basket for her. I bought my kids baskets etc in front of my DH yesterday and just picked up two, not three of everything. I saw DH's face when he realised what I was doing - I didn't say anything and nor did he. In the past I've always done a basket for my SD regardless of whether she's with us or not but I can't be bothered anymore. Noone thanks me for it and her Mom doesn't do anything for on the years she's with us anyhow.

Today, while we were in the car together, my DH said "what are we doing for X this year for Easter then" and I just said "up to you" to which he started sulking.

So when I got home I ordered an Easter hamper online to be delivered to her Mom's and wrote "Love Daddy" on the card. I'm mad with myself for doing it now. He should have done it but I knew he'd forget.

"How do I break the news to

"How do I break the news to DH that he is going to have to do it?? I'm not so evil that I want SS to be here with no basket. Do I just make DD's and then ask DH what he's doing about SS's?"

I'd do exactly that. If he doesn't parent his child enough toget him to behave toward you, why would he expect you to do stuff for him his own father doesn't do?

When the kid asks, "Why didn't I get one (or get to go, or whatever)?" I really think it's in the best interest of the child to let them know exactly why and learn that they don't get stuff from people they treat poorly.
It might give them a chance to get better. It might give their dad a chance to start parenting.

I'm really no one to coddle much, and I've done the same to one of my BDs who was having an attitude problem.

I like the "utter

I like the "utter incompetence" idea, and asking DH right in front of SD where her Easter stuff is, but this man has 4 other children. he ought to know by now how to do a holiday, BUT, when he was growing up, he was Jehova Witness, so they didn't celebrate ANY holidays. But he quit the Jehova Witnesses before adulthood. I guess his 2 ex-wives did all the holiday stuff.
And NO to the same weekends for the kids. I arranged the opposite weekends myself, because I got tired of wasting my weekends with my daughter referreeing the 2 girls because SD is such a bully. See, it's ok with DH if I "parent" SD when it comes to doing fun things, but not ok to "parent" if I am correcting her behavior, and God forbid I ever discipline her in any way. It's unfair to me. This little girl has called me a "smart-eleck" RIGHT IN FRONT of her dad and NOTHING happened. He wont parent her either. I dont know what came first, the kid sucks so her parents avoid her or vice versa. I know this, my DH made it perfectly clear to his ex that he was going to leave her and then BM got off birth control to trap DH. DH already had 4 kids and DID NOT want more(so he should have wrapped that thing up) and BM didn't want another kid either, but she didn't want DH to leave her-which he did anyway. It is sad. But the kid was damaged goods when I came into the picture and I tried to bond with her and she spat in my face, so screw it.

I would really make sure DH

I would really make sure DH will have a basket ready for her.She may be a brat , but she is there on Easter weekend so he needs to come out of her comfort zone and get one!!!! In regards of the other activities- I understand that you don't want to hang out with ungrateful SD and do the mom things because she HAS a mom. SO had those ideas of me doing more girly stuff with SD, too, but she has a mother who can do all that. I entertain the kids and their friends here at times and very rarely do some craft with her by herself, but usually I hold myself a bit back. The mummy-daughter stuff her mom can do with her, it is not that she is missing out.But double dipping just because she wants so much attention all the time is not necessary.