Is this horrible? Am I wrong??

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Okay. I am only 22, fdh is 23. I have 5yo(6 in a few days) He has a 3yo and we have a 1yo together. He just stared getting her every other weekend a few moths ago. He never got to see her before because her BM didn't like the fact he was with me. Blames me for their divorce, i had nothing to do with that, and just plain hates me for no reason. She is snobby self-centered and a mean person. SD3 is coming out the same way! We can't stand it. She is mean to dd1 and scrams and cries nonstop when we have her. We can't look at her. She tells my dd1 that daddy love her more. That's mean. I know she can't understand now but she will later. She thinks everything is hers and will not let the baby touch anything. If dd1 tried to hug her she pushes her to the ground. She has tantrums beyond anything I have ever seen. My children are very well behaved, even my dd1 knows what no means and stops right away. Not her she will stare me right in my eyes with a crooked little smile and keep doing whatever. She is a complete terror. Is that normal for a 3yo? My sone wasn't like that, neither was my nephew of other kids I have been around constantly. We were excited about visitation until we started getting it. It is hell when she is here. My mom tells me "it will get better as she gets older" I think she is lying. It is getting worse. Her mother is teaching her to act this way, how could it not get worse. My fdh says "I am just not going to get her anymore." Everytime we get her. Sometimes we don't make it halfway home after getting her before he says" I am going to turn her around and bring her back to her damn mom." Would it be wrong of me to just say okay? Would it be wrong for us to just not get her anymore, since he wasn't able to see her before and everything was okay then, would it be better to just let her go at 3 when he has only seen her a hand full of times then when she is 8 or nine and he really really can't stand it any longer, when she would have spent lots of time throughout years and knew she was his dad. Or should we just go through hell for the rest of our lives and let her prey on our other kids because she is his daughter and you should not give up his child? I read a comment on another post saying it is okay for a mother to give up her child when she doesn't want it, like putting it up for adoption. And even praised for it, But when a man does he is a terrible man. Idk what to think. I feel bad, and so does he but we really can't handle her. If we pull through this, she may be the death of our marriage someday.

You all are reaallllyyy young

You all are reaallllyyy young to have these kind of problems.

The child is 3 and he/she is being left with people that are strangers to him/her. Acting out is normal at that age, especially if the child is left with unknown people. Your FDH is right, he needs to get more time with the child so that the child knows who he is and is comfortable in your household.

Well.... What do you guys do

Well.... What do you guys do when she's acting a total brat? She needs consistent consequences.

And I certainly wouldn't be saying these things in front of her. I can't believe she has to hear her dad saying that while she's in the car. No wonder she feels unloved and not part of the family.

You guys need to develop a serious plan of how to incorperate her into the household.....or let her stay with her mom.

I agree. The kid wants to go

I agree. The kid wants to go home. The dad says "if she screams any more I am taking her home". So the kid screams more. Who is schooling who here?

Lots of typos, Sorry.

I have raised my son well. He

I have raised my son well. He is well behaved, cares for other's feelings and is no trouble for anyone. We are not to blame. It is her BM. She doesn't know how to tell sd no. All she does is praise her and thinks its cute when she says don't talk to me or go get me some food cracker. We have absolutely no problem with the other kids. Why, because we have given them guidance and taught them wrong from right. Sd's BM has not done this. It would have been a lot easier if she had let him know her her first 2 years. She would have learned how to act here. And she could act however she wanted at BM's cause she is teaching her thats how it is there. I have tried really hard to show her love and have been extra nice. As a bystander you wouldn't be able to tell I feel the way I do. And honestly I am glad I had my son when I did. He was my life saver. I was young, yeah, and dumb. But having him turned my life around. I would have been nothing without him. And as for SD. She was not planned either. He told his ex he did NOT want a kid right then, he was in the army and barely home, plus ready to leave her cause she was crazy controlling. Well she went to the doc got on prenatal vitamins, idk why she wasn't prego yet. He found a condom with needle holes in it. He left and she called saying she was prego. She chose to have a child not him. We did decide to have dd1. We are financially stable and can afford all 3 kids. We thought she would be well behaved and sweet just like ds5. Well she is not. Not our fault. It isn't like she is only acting like this with us. It is everyone. Her mother, her grandparents and anyone she is with. I am consistent with my kids. That is why they DID come out okay. I do not want her to influence my children though. Or treat my dd1 like shit cause she believes she is shit. I love my kids. I love being a mother, I am a damn good mother. But being a SM is different and not what I expected. I try my best. FDH is great with my kids. Because they are GOOD. It is not his fault he wasn't allowed to be there until the court ordered her to let him. And now she is ruined. Not our fault. We are good parents. If we weren't, our other two would be like sd3.

No, it is not just Mom's

No, it is not just Mom's fault. It is also Dad's. He CHOSE not to pursue seeing his child more vigorously. That IS on him. So yes, he needs to own that, man up, and step up to the plate.

And remember - if he can walk away from one child? He can walk away from another.

When she acts like that I am

When she acts like that I am the one to put her in the corner. I am the disciplinarian here. FDH can't stand the crying. He helps with the other kids because they don't cry when they get in trouble. It makes it harder for me cause I am the bad guy in her eyes because I punish her or fuss at her. She doesn't get in trouble with her mother. She is bad and acts the same way there and BM ignores it. SD3 slapped her in the face because she told her no. And BM did nothing but tell her "ouch, that hurt" I would have told her "no ma'am, you do not hit. It is not nice and it hurts people." Not just ouch it hurt. I don't spank because I feel it shows the child that if you say something they are doing is wrong and spank them for it they will think it is okay if they think you are doing something wrong to hit you. Maybe I will change my mind when they are older but as of now I don't. I don't ever say things in front of her like that. I told him to never ever do it again. And he still does it at times. I know she is only 3. She has time to get to be a better kid. But I rally don't see that happening with how her mom is towards her. She is sooo mean to her 1yo son and prety much neglects him most of the time, but is the complete opposite with sd. She will sit there for hours telling her how much she loves her and how wonderful she is, that she is perfect and nobody is as smart and beautiful than her. Without saying one word but yelling at the little boy. Yeah, I tell my kids I love them all day long, all of them. But not like she does. I fear sd3 will always think she is better than dd1 because her mom tells her she is. She may pick on dd1 and put her down. I don't know how to handle things with her. FDH shouldn't leave it up to me. He does fuss and punish her, sometimes. And that's only when she refuses over and over. I get so overwhelmed I just want to scream and run away with my kids and just leave him and sd3. I just don't want it to get worse, and I have a feeling it will. We try to do fun things and take her places when she is with us, but even then she acts like that and cries no matter where we are. Sometimes I feel like just walking away and not dealing with any of it(leaving my fdh) But I love him, everything is great, except the days we have sd3. I am super nice to her even when she is being bad. To try and show her I am not mean like her mother says I am. But it changes nothing. I can't even hand her a peice of candy or a toy with out her screaming bloody murder. She is scared of me, because her BM tells her mean things about me. I hope she is one to see her mom is lying and not one to believe it even at age 10. My sister and I were adopted by my dad when I was 3 and she was 6. She acted the same way as sd3. And still does at age 25. I fell bad for my dad cause he is an amazing father and has made our childhood better than it could have ever been. I am scared. And at my breaking point. She is terrible and it may be forever.

You may be a good mother but

You may be a good mother but your DH needs to step up HIS parenting. Anyone can be a good parent when the "heavy lifting" has already been done. The REALLY good parent is the one who can deal with the not-so-good child without losing their temper and patience.

And you should NOT be the disciplinarian. If anything, you should be like an auntie figure to her.

I would also check into getting this girl into counseling. I know that you don't have her much but she is probably being coached by BM.

I am a BM to S9. His father

I am a BM to S9. His father was/is useless as far as being a parent is concerned. He is not involved in BS9 life whatsoever but he does pay CS which I am very grateful for. My son's father tried to play the "in & out" game when my son was young and I flat out told him that this was NOT going to happen any longer as he is getting old enough to "know" what is going on and that his father was not consistent etc. I told him either you are ALL in or you are ALL out! Period!

Yes, children are a pain in the ass. Alot of stress, tears, worry, etc. but when we play the game, sometimes we whind up with kids whether they are wanted or not, that's what happens. I personally feel that if your fdh doesn't want to do the "daddy thing" anymore then he shouldn't. BUT he also shouldn't play the "in & out" game either. That is ALOT worse than him just not being there ever. IMHO.

We all have a choice when we bring kids into this world. We can step up and take the good with the bad and raise them as best we can OR we can step down and let someone else shoulder the responsibility. It doesn't matter who bows out, whether it is the mother or the father, they are the ones who have to live with their decision to cut ties and shirk responsibility to/for their child(ren).

Personally, I am glad that my son's father is not in his life. He is not someone that I want my son to grow up to be or be around. My son has/is turning out quite well for coming from a single parent home. All of his needs are met and he is very well taken care of. And I also have plenty of support from my parents. My son wants or needs for nothing. If he doesn't want to father this child anymore then that is his choice. Whatever his reasons are, they are his own and he is the one that has to live with this decision. If he chooses to cut ties, at least make sure he helps support the child financially. That is definitely better than nothing.

I hope everything works out for you!

I was all in for being a

I was all in for being a stepmom. Before BM knew he was with me we got to see her 3 times when she was about 4 months and 7 months. She was an easy adorable baby. She wasn't fussy. Then when court was done she was completely different. We expected to get a sweet little girl again. But she isn't. I know she is only 3. And that's why I feel bad about getting to irritated. I really don't see him leaving the other kids. He loves them and is a part of their lives everyday, sadly it isn't the case with sd, so he said he feels closer to the other two then her. I feel he thinks she is still young and will forget about him if he steps out now. IDK. My ex wasn't in my son's life either, which I am glad for. He now has my fdh and loves him very much. And I really don't think he is lying about the holes. I mean, he is a man, most men including him would get some when they can. At least it was her he was sleeping with and not another girl. And I know plenty of guys willing to sleep with their gf before breaking up. Anyway, it is choice and if he wants to walk out, thats his choice, I can't force him to want his kid and keep her. I feel if he really wanted her in the first place he would have tried harder to get her when she was small. but all he said was i miss her, when she was brought up. I am beginning to agree with his mom when she says she thinks he loves her cause she is his but he doesn't want her. Which i sad. But there are plenty of kids who grow up with no father then a stepfather and are completely happy with it. I was. I still am.I knew my bio dad didn't want me, ohwell, at least my stepdad did.I really don't know what to think. I feel one way and at the same time a different way. Maybe if her BM would let us have more than four days a month with her we could work on it better. but 2 days at a time is not enough. Its more like a day and a half cause we have to drive a state away to get her then bring her back the next evening. I don't like forcing her to be here. I wasn't forced to see my dad. My mom and stepdad would drive my 14hrs away to my dads and i would call not even a week later wanting to go home. and they'd go right back to get me. They stopped even trying to let me go up when I was 4. I didn't want to go. He wasn't mean to me, I just didn't want to be there. I really feel like shit now after all this. Thats why I asked about it. To get advice on what to do. Not get bashed. If I didn't feel like it was wrong even a little, I would have just told him, don't get her anymore, you can't stand it and neither can I. I know for sure I am not the only one on her with a young sc how acts like this who just wants to break and give up. I see people saying they hate their sc all the time. What makes it different for me to not want to deal with mine. Just cause I am 22 and chose to have 2 kids and be with a man who already had one, not knowing how hard it is to have a sc?

Wow. Well, yes, I am happy

Wow. Well, yes, I am happy his Dad wasn't in his life. His Dad was MY mistake when I was 16. He was 18 and already an alcoholic. I was on a very bad path blinded by what my little mind thought was love. I got pregnant and that changed me. I saw what I wish I saw before. He was abusive and controlling. When I let him see my ds I was holding him and he got pissed about something and threw me against a wall, with my baby in my arms. Why would I want him in my sons life????? At the time I was not on bc because my obgn told me it was a really tiny chance I could ever have kids. I have inverted ovaries, poly-cystic ovarian disease and endometriosis. I still should have been careful, but I wasn't. I had no contact with him because he was crazy. He hid in the woods by my house, called me told me to look and flashed his phone so I could see the light and said see, I am always watching you. And he passed away in his friends front yard, from what? Drinking and drugs. I thank god he gave me the strength to leave him and keep my child away from that.

And who says you have to be married to be committed and have children? We are getting married but I don't see why that matters. And we chose to have my dd1 so soon because I won't be able to have anymore because they are removing my ovaries. I wanted another child. And plenty of women and men have children by 2 different people. Okay, so I am 22, so what. At least I got on bc and waited 4 years to choose to have another. I wasn't sleeping around, ds5's dad was my 1st and dd1's dad is my 2nd and last. Just because you choose to have children young doesn't make it bad.

And the children in my family are happy. We have a great close family. And just cause we aren't married YET doesn't mean I am not in the stepparent role.

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Is this horrible? Am I wrong??