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" You knew what you were getting in to"

goincrazy.com's picture

:jawdrop:

How many of us have heard this line? or " You knew I had kids when you got with me"

Dun Dun Dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

WRONG!!!!!!

I had NO idea I signed up for this garbage- Does anyone????? I was blind, deaf and dumb walking into this mess. I LOVE LOVE LOVE fdh but I can't say I would have even made eye contact with him if I had a crystal ball....................

FDH has said this and I said just what I wrote!!! lol

I CANNOT believe the people who are not in a "Step" situation of any kind who sit and judge and cannot comprehend how we feel and they simply shrug their shoulders and say " you knew what you were getting into"

If I had any damn clue I would not be here right now!!!!!!

goincrazy.com's picture

My family too! Esp my mom- FDH has on;y said " you knew I had kids" yea and I sure didn't think it would be like this! But my mom says " You knew what you were going in to......." Coming from the person who has been with my dad since she was 16- it's annoying! She doesn't have a clue!

Anne Boleyn's picture

My mother does this too. It makes me crazy when people who have never lived this act like we're being awful for having feelings of anything less than bliss with our men and their kids. I think my mother is projecting how she wanted her husband to feel about her kids. In a perfect world, we'd be happy blended families. But in the real world, we have Disney Dads, selfish/entitled BMs, financial stress, out-of-cotnrol Skids and very murky roles in our own homes.

Anne Boleyn's picture

The more I think about this, the more I appreciate ST. If it wasn't for having a community here to make us realize we're not alone and nuts, many of us would feel so isolated and horrible.

goincrazy.com's picture

YES! This is honestly the ONLY support I have and like most other people on here, when I found this site I felt relieved and not as guilty for feeling such anger and hatred towards FDH's kids!

princessmofo's picture

OMG, Anne! I think we have the same mother! LOL! My mom does this too! She claims she is playing devil's advocate but in actuality she is just simply the devil!! LOL! It's a hard road to go alone and I'm glad I have this site to help me through the day to day.

Anne Boleyn's picture

My mother told me I should make the exact same decisions related to SD11 that I would have with my son. Now, I see her point that I shouldn't be harder on his kid than I would've been on mine when he was younger. But they are two different people. And she has no idea what it's like to have a crazy kid in your life who doesn't have to listen to you, who can run to mommy if the evil SM asks her to do hard work like not leave coke cans in her room, and whose daddy treats her like she's 4 and helpless. My son and I were alone. I made decisions based on his needs. I can't say that just because I did something for him that I will do it for her. It simply doesn't work that way. Every child is different. And in this case, her parents let her get away with murder and I am not joining that party. But I'm the jerk!

love_my_shichi's picture

How would you be able to parent a kid as a step (not being respected as a real mom) that did not even grow up with you? IE- did not have your rules and values?

IMPOSSIBLE

goincrazy.com's picture

I have held back a lot compared to when I first started having issues with SD15 and SD21. Glad to hear they came around! My mom also throws the guilt card in about IF I ever did want out of the situation how damaging it would be to my daughter who already has some issues...........Really? Thanks mom- way to inspire and encourage me to be happy. She just about backed me into a corner with that one

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

Sigh....I get it from my family. Of course, none of them have ever been in my situation, so they have NO CLUE. They're way more tolerant of the skids than I am!

goincrazy.com's picture

I think my mom might have come some ways bc before she would hug SD15 (SD15 "OMG your mom is sooo nice") and ask FDH " How is SD15bitchface" Now she doesn't even ask after all the rotten things SD has done. And I make it clear- SD15 is NOT invited to my family gatherings- we aren't married yet and I don't want her there! LAst time she came dressed as a slut- I was sooo busy on my phone when we picked her up and didn't look at her Wink

ummm to my surprise when she got out of the car she was dressed like a slut and I was throughly embarrassed- lesson learned IF she EVER comes to my families again she will not be dressed like that, I wish I would have looked up- she either wouldn't have come or went right back into her moms house to change

oldone's picture

My family has these big family holiday celebrations where everyone is welcome. Got a stray friend or work acquaintance that you want to bring along - no problem.

So our first holiday I extended the invitation to SS27. I'd met him for a few minutes a couple of times. But on the night before the big holiday gathering he came over for dinner.

OMG - don't know what he was strung out on but he was high as a kite. Not drunk like he usually is now but really impaired obviously from drugs. No way I could take him to my family's dinner. One of my relatives is a DEA agent - a narc!

goincrazy.com's picture

OMG! It's embarrassing! What did your DH say? You should have had the narc DEA guy, introduce himself as that and make SS27 all paranoid! What is wrong with these people??!! I don't even get drunk at my family get togethers let a lone someone elses!

RedWingsFan's picture

I got it from my mother...she's never met stepdevil and seems to think *I* am the cause of all of DH's and SD's troubles. If only *I* would make more of an effort, if only *I* realized that his daughter will always be his daughter and I should be more sympathetic to her needs. WTFEVER!

goincrazy.com's picture

UGH!!! like we don't get blame from anywhere else and your own mother?! My mom doesn't *blame* me but she makes comments how I need to "get over" things or she can't believe I get "upset or all worked up" when SD15 is coming over.

My mom has had such a sheltered life- I'm no bad ass but she couldn't live 10 min in my life or have dealt with half of the shit I have and I'm half her age- but of course she thinks shes right.......

I stopped talking to her about it unless it's something big and I need to vent

RedWingsFan's picture

And the funny thing is mom almost ended up with a stepson from Hell herself. She was dating this man who was only a few months older than ME (She likes them young) and he had a 7 yr old son from a previous relationship and this kid was a monster. He actually almost caused them to split once.

What ultimately ended her relationship with this man wasn't HIS son, but my own brother. She favored him (even though he was an adult) and allowed him to move in with her and when the boyfriend objected because my brother was being the typical lazy, selfish, mooch he is - mom kicked boyfriend to the curb.

Now, it's all MY fault that my DH finally starts parenting his kid and she refuses to come over? HMMMMMMM

goincrazy.com's picture

LOL, sorry to say but sounds like your mom is a hypocrite! My mom tries to say this bullshit and then she turns around and admits she could NEVER be in my situation!!! Things at home are MUCH better since sd21 and grandkids moved out- now I love being home Smile my mom said that was a deal breaker right there- she couldn't have lived with them!

Willow2010's picture

I had NO idea I signed up for this garbage- Does anyone?????
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I did. That is why I would not marry or move in with DH until skid was much older. We dated for over 8 years. And honestly…I don’t see how anyone can NOT see it when you are dating a man with kids. No offence, but unless you only dated someone for a few months and then married, there “should” have been some writing on the wall.

I think we as women are great at turning a blind eye all for love.

That said…it does not mean that SM’s are obligated to get shit on, weather they saw it or not.

goincrazy.com's picture

Obviously you are more wise then I was- Things changed as soon as we got serious. SD13 was sweet at the time SD18 had 1 kid and was busy with her boyfriend.......next thing we know Sd18 got pregnant again- babydaddy hooked on drugs and left her, had no where to live moved in with us, SD13 got jealous and it's been a battle since. I have mixed feelings but I do wish I would have waited to move in. I had never even dated a man with children, I assumed since they were older it wouldn't be so hard. WRONG!

dontcallmestepmom's picture

I don't think you ever TRULY know. I saw that my DH's kids (they are 19-23 years old) were bad before we married. I made him promise to me before we married last summer that we would never support them or house them. I have many valid reasons for this-these "kids" are bad news, not to mention we do not have the space or finances to help. I have seen my DH try to help them, and they want nothing but money or things. We don't have much, but all they want is to take, take, take. They are horribly manipulative and incredibly rude. It is just one problem after another.

My DH stopped enabling 2 years before we married. He set boundaries, and he has not backed down. So, I married him based on his promises and the fact that he was not letting them take advantage.

What I did not bargain for was the fact that my MIL feels we should be helping them-even if it means that they mentally abuse us and we would be living in poverty if we did. Luckily, DH ignores her, but I am tired of it. Tired of hearing that they are "blood," and DH "owes them."

What else I did not realize is that they would "rev up" their nastiness and cruelness. It is appalling what they have been doing lately. And I was a fool to not realize that they are very likely going to be homeless in the near future. I am praying that DH stays strong.

goincrazy.com's picture

AGREED- how does one ever know? I was blind but I had good intentions and tried just like the rest of us to have a decent relationship. They have nothing to lose by being assholes to us. And the whole "in-law" family? yup- they smile in my face and stab me in the back. They have vented to me how bratty and manipulative SD15 is and how she only uses her dad for $. Very 2 faced.

Tuff Noogies's picture

I hear ya... i've cut MIL out completely for being a backstabbing double talker. havent talked to her since first weekend of last august. yay! }:)

that bridge is not burned, but she's metaphorically standing on the opposite side with her arms crossed and back turned - so i go about my merry business. if anything changes, it's up to her to change it

goincrazy.com's picture

True hyp- FDH didn't expect this either but he's part to blame for enabling it and we are working on that. I'm gonna risk sounding like a big asshole but I wish my FDH would sever ties with them. They are blood and money sucking leeches and honestly shit on him every opportunity they have. He's come a ways but has a LONG way to go. I wish for a "healthy" relationship with him and his kids but it's so dysfunctional I do not see that happening anytime soon

SMof2Girls's picture

I'm extremely lucky in that DH understands my frustrations and points of view. He supports me and always puts our marriage first. In turn, I support him and we really work hard to make our blended family work.

BM is our biggest issue; and the issues she creates where they don't need to exist.

I don't talk about any of it with people who are not step-parents, or who are familiar with the details of our situation (very few people). People don't understand if they don't live it .. and I don't need the frustration of feeling judged for how we handle our everyday life.

Drac0's picture

"Honey. I might go to the pub with the boys after work"
*comes home sloshed and vomits*
"What's the problem? You *KNEW* I was going out to the pub after work."

"Honey, I making myself a bowl of chili for lunch"
*farts uncontrollably for 2 hours afterwards*
"What's the problem? You *knew* I was going to eat chili for lunch."

"Honey, I am going to the hardware store."
*returns with a $5000 John Deer lawn mower*
"What's the problem? You *KNEW* I was going to the hardware store. Besides, it's got cup holders."

Drac0's picture

Thanks.

I wish I could take credit for it but this point was made by a colleague of mine who got into it with our boss. Our boss is a bit of a weasel. He would "prepare" us for jobs but ALWAYS failed in defining the scope of the work involved. When we realized the scope of work involved and bring it up to management's attention (work overload and stringent budgets) my boss would say "I don't know why you guys are complaining. You *KNEW* this was coming!"

My colleague responded. "Oh that's nice! When I tell my wife I am going to the pub after work, and then proceed to get royally pissed, I will just say 'but honey? you *KNEW* I was going to the pub after work! Oh yeah, that will stop the wife from giving me sh*t!"

hismineandours's picture

I can tell you I had no freaking idea. My ss was 2 when dh and I married. 2. For goodness sake. He was barely verbal. He was fairly cute. Dh had an "ok" relationship with bm-not the best-but no huge issues. How the heck was I to know that this kid was a budding psychopath? no way on earth to predict that one.

My mom used to make comments to me occassionally-YEARS ago about how this or that was my job since ss resided in my home, etc-as the years passed and it became apparent what a psycho the kid was she abruptly stopped. She now thinks the kid should never darken my doorstep ever again. In fact, most people if I tell everything that has happened agree that the kid should be nowhere near me or my kids. The only people that feel differently are my nutjob inlaws, who felt they needed to protect ss from ME and MY KIDS> Wow. I wonder if they feel that way now after him living there the past couple years. Smile

goincrazy.com's picture

Yup this whole experience blows- I'm always on edge bc as soon as things start going smoothly or you think they are getting better or I think my FDH is coming around WHAMMO SD15 says she wants to hurt herself or calls fdh and says she doesn't feel like she has a dad anymore and that I'm his family and not her ETC it goes on and on. FD does try but he's not ready yet to smell the roses. He says what sounds good and he really thinks he will follow through and she guilts him. She knows what works. We are in therapy but he's admitted since he divorced his ex he feels as though and they accuse him of abandoning her- NOT TRUE

It's just always something

SMof2Girls's picture

"FDH told her to tell her mom it's her fault, because if SD gets hurt BM will take FDH to court and try to get FDH's custody taken away."

He really said that to an 8yo?

goincrazy.com's picture

This has nothing to do with a step situation but I have a coworker who has 3 boys and 1 spoiled rotten princess girl. Her daughter who is 6 at least was playing with the boys outside and fell and broke her wrist. Now she's not allowed to play with her OWN brothers anymore bc she tries to keep up with them and the boys play to rough with each other and she tries to keep up with them.

IMO it's ridiculous, kids are kids. Maybe put her in ballet to learn some balance and grace?!

twopines's picture

I knew what I was getting into, because I'm a SD myself. DH's kids were close to the age my brother and I were when we became skids. I understand SD more than anyone thinks I do. It's BECAUSE I knew what I was getting into that I don't accept her ridiculousness. Boy was everyone surprised, lol.

Anon2009's picture

For me, I knew DH had kids and I knew BM was (and still is not) a person without many issues. But most of us are not fortune tellers or future predictors of any sort. We had no idea exactly what we were walking into. I certainly did not and am still recovering from the he11 BM inflicted on me. I turned to my mom, who is also a SM, for advice, but not all of it was helpful, because she gets along with her SKs, my stepdad parented them, and BM was and is respectful to her. Any issues the adults had never reached us kids and they worked those issues out in an adult way. The BM didn't tolerate her kids being disrespectful to me or my mom and neither did their dad.

My SDs BM, on the other hand, actively encouraged and rewarded them to/for treating me like crap. That's why I blame the parents of all these skids so much for the actions of their kids. When the primary custodial parent is encouraging/rewarding bad behavior, most often the kid will misbehave to keep their primary caregiver from giving them he11. It is easier to pi$$ off the NCP and NCP SP than it is the custodial home and it's a human reaction most people would have. Another reason why I blame the PASing parent so much is because once we got SDs out of BMs he11hole, their behavior started to improve. It didn't happen overnight. It's still an ongoing process. But it's a process we are all working on in our home and lives. Once that negative influence was greatly reduced in their lives, things started to improve for them.

Sorry for the rant, but I write that because I truly had no idea I'd be facing any of that once I married DH. I had no idea what PAS was. I had no idea at how stunned I'd be that a parent let men abuse their kids. I knew there were people out there who allowed that to happen but when it is right in front of you, it really throws you for a loop.

If anything, I went in with rose-colored glasses on. I thought it could come to be a situation like the one my mom, stepdad and his kids BM had and still have when they do see each other. BOY was I mistaken about that. I had no idea BM would express to my DH and the world how happy she was when I miscarried. I didn't expect a sympathy card or anything, or for her to even tell us she was sorry for our loss, but I did expect she wouldn't express to us her pleasure in it happening.

When I hear of a woman engaged to a man with children, I tell her about steptalk. Many of those women have those rose colored glasses on. But hopefully our stories can help them be less surprised if things don't work out as they hoped. In fact, I think we should all do that- recommend that women engaged to men with children of any age (including adults) come check out StepTalk.

Although I cannot predict every experience I will have with my SDs as adults, I go to the adult sk issues forum so if we do have issues when they're adults, I'll be less surprised by them. Another thing I didn't know until becoming a SP myself was how many issues exist between adult SKs and SMs. I thought that even if adult SKs and SMs didn't care for one another, or even hate each other, both SMs AND adult SKs would make efforts to keep the peace and get along. It's what I do when it comes to my stepmother. Boy was I surprised when I first read some adult SK stories here.

goincrazy.com's picture

Yes, PAS'ing and rewarding sd15's behavior for being awful to me is definitely going on from BM. I came in this honest and was blindsided. SD15 and I got along so well at first. Now I"m the scapegoat and she's praised and given her way for that. I've disengaged but some days are still tough

dep333's picture

I haven't had anyone say this to me, but the only people I share my feelings with are two of my closest friends and my cousin. OUtside of this forum (which I am SO grateful for finding!!) my cousin is the only one who TRULY understands how I feel, because she has two SD's that are AWFUL and their BM is terrible. It's kind of funny I was bringing this up on a different thread, and then saw this one...but no, I didn't know what I was getting into. I may not be married, but I'm 100% committed to my boyfriend and marriage or not, want to be with him forever. He's a GREAT guy and I love him to pieces. Before moving in with him, I spent time with his kids but it wasn't until after living together that I truly know what an effing HELL it can be. While I get annoyed with SD10, it's SS5 that truly kills me...I HATE him. And no, I didn't know I would feel that way. I felt so guilty for a long time but thankfully I had the realization that it didn't make me a bad person. There are adults I can't stand or even hate (though I try my best not to have such negative feelings, hey sometimes you just can't help it!) and it's usually because of the person they are, somethign about their personality rubs us the wrong way. Well guess what...kids have their own personalities too, and sometimes they just don't mesh. I know things won't magically get better; that's just not going to happen. But knowing that my feelings don't make me bad person, and knowing there are SO many others out there who feel exactly the same way I do...that makes a difference.

goincrazy.com's picture

mine also says "sorry baby, I know my family is f'd up" and then he enables them some more......

hippiegirl's picture

I didn't know what I was getting into, either. If I had know ahead of time that we would have money troubles for several years due to his ex wife getting half his wages, I would've RAN! It's really painful to try to make ends meet with what's left after BM gets what "her and her kids are legally entitled to". It's also painful to know that you could provide better for your own kids if you had that extra $700.00 a month. Kinda sticks in your craw, don't it?