No worries.. you are not being harsh. I already told him I am going to Florida with my daughter when all this got flipped last week.

I am seriously on the fence about marrying him and I think he now sees how badly he effed up last week with regards to something that means a TON to me.. uh, hello.. it's our wedding!!!

Up until last week, nothing was said in front of his kids about it.. just when we got engaged in December we told them we were going to get married this summer and would like to have you there and be part of it (trying to be nice and make them feel special).. personally, I knew right then and there they would pull some shit to ruin it - hell, you should have seen the hissy fit when they found out we were engaged. Let me clairify - his kids threw the fit.. my daughter was sooooo happy and could not wait to go looking at dresses...

I brought up the fact last week that "hey, it's kinda getting down to the wire, maybe we should tell the kids our plans - together, as a family, have that talk".. He did.. just him and the boys.. not how we planned to do it.

I get it.. he was stalling because he knew they would be asshats.. I already knew that was the case before I tossed him the "let's have the conversation" softball. Yea, I set him up to see what he would do.

He says he did it that way to protect me because he knew how negative they would be. Ok, fair enough.. but it's what he did with that negativity and how he let it change his thoughts is what has me pissed. I know his kids are bitchy and nothing is ever good enough for THEM.. Oh well, when they pay for the house, the car rental and plane tickets they can decide where we go.. until then, shut it.

I'm pretty sure he knows how bad he messed up - that's exactly why all of a sudden he is trying to now get me to talk to him about the wedding and what we have to do.. blah blah blah..

Nope, mister.. I pushed for 4 months to talk and plan.. you, as usual, shoved it under the rug and wouldn't talk in front of or to your boys about it for fear it would upset them and they would object to our plans.

So, now.. I am not discussing it and letting him sit there and wonder like I have for the past 4 months.. I'm sure getting a taste of his own medicine is so sour.

I do plan on talking very loudly about picking out dresses and bathing suits for "our vacation" to my daughter right in front of the skid.. let them sit and wonder about it. I'm sure their jealousy and "what do I get?" syndrome will kick in and they will go right to DH and bitch and complain.. too bad.

I want my daughter there and she wants to be part of it. I refuse to cut her out of this because of them. That would really hurt her to not be a part of this.

I am not making excuses for him - he effed up. Plain and simple. He might have thought he was trying to accomodate everyone, but sometimes you just can't.

He is in a rough spot too.. I mean, he is well aware that the boys are being jackasses.. believe me, he knows. He wants them in the wedding too.. that matters to him.

We start counseling tonight.

I agree with you 100%. However, we don't struggle like this every time and he is getting what the issue here is... it's the ability to manipulate and control he has given these kids. He has begun the process of taking back control and putting things in their places.. it's a process and it's a rough one at that.

It takes time and we have seen changes - for example sk12 used to try to blatantly ignore rules and get me to say something about it, just so he could ignore them some more and get me pissed and then go whine to DH that I'm soooo mean and picking on him.. not anymore, DH gets on his ass for not listening, being disrespectful and grounds him.

Now, sk12 runs to his mom and she sends DH texts about sk's "complaints" and we laugh at them.. and when sk12 gets back to our house DH calls him out on it. We are winning, however we have not let our guard down because sk12 will come up with a new manipulation eventually.. soon he will run out and it will stop, but we definitely have our work cut out for us.

So, I guess what I am saying is Dh is really trying - more so than most, IMO.. I'm not defending him.. I am pissed at him, but he is trying to right this wrong.. and that means something. I do see his side.. he loves his kids and well, they are being jerks.. that's not fun.. He wants them at the wedding, yet doesn't want to force them or have drama.. how do you cope? He's hurting too.. think about that.. you love your fiance and your kids and all you want is a happy wedding.. and your kids are bitching about it. If it were my daughter I would be pissed as hell at her, and disappointed, and still love her and want her to be there.. it's a tough situation.

I did say that.. last week. I emphasized "this is about us" - not them. However, we are opting to include them and they should be grateful that we are even inviting them down there with us. His response "its their vacation too." It was a miracle I didn't toss a brick at his head..

I argued "no, it is not their vacation.. it is our wedding - first and foremost. We chose to make it a combination of vacation/wedding/honeymoon, so they would feel included. (unlike their BM who ran off the vegas and told them they could watch her wedding on TV) Instead they looked a gift horse in the mouth and complained. That was incredibly rude." He says "they have a right to their opinions." OMG.. sure, but it's not about them, nor is it their vacation - they are NOT entitled to anything.

LOL.. noooo way. I don't want a big fancy anything. In fact, I saw all this bullshit coming and said in February we should just go to the courthouse. He wanted a wedding with family there.. I have no family (except my daughter).. but now that we had this planned, I was looking forward to an intimate ceremony on the beach (who wouldn't)..

Thank you.

And yes, I posted last week (a total rant) about how DH and I decided we were going to talk to the kids (all of them) last week about the location, dates, plans, and give them a chance to offer some ideas of their own.

I wanted to do it this way for a few reasons;

1. to keep the bitching to a minimum
2. in hopes that we could keep it positive
3. make the kids feel like they were a part of it - not just being drug along

Instead.. DH "accidentally" had the conversation with him.. which was a total load of crap. It was no accident and he admitted he did it to "protect me" because he knew they would be shits.

I was (and still am) livid about that.. protect me? really? so you had a hunch they would bitch and then you went ahead and let them.. you knew they would be rotten.. what, exactly does that say about your kids and how they conduct themselves?

He was protecting them from me.. not vice versa. He knew I would tell them exactly how it is and where they can stick their negativity and I wouldn't be nice about it. Well, I take that back. I would start out totally nice and try to put a happy spin on the trip and ask them for "help" with ideas.. then if they got that sneer on their faces and started the BS.. then I would get pissed and rightfully so.

Don't worry.. it's game on. I am going to talk very openly about "a trip, and a beach and how much fun we will have".. I won't specify where, when or who.. let their little asses wonder and let it eat them alive.

Oh, he thinks it's both.

And honestly, that is what we tried to pull off.

It was just going to be one day out of the week.. small wedding on the beach, no reception and just very laid back.

The rest of the time, whatever. It's 4th of July week, so there were festivals, fireworks, beach time, pool time.. fun stuff.. I didn't expect the entire week to be all about me.. just one freaking day.

HOWEVER.. skids "didn't like the house last year - it wasn't on the beach" (it had a damn pool, a hot tub and was a few blocks from the beach), "there wasn't enough to do" - meaning we didn't cater to their every want and need every day and "they don't want to go to the same place back to back years.." they "want to stay at a resort/hotel on the beach with a pool".. the list goes on and on - pretty high vacations standards for kids.. uh, and most adults.

Never mind the fact that the house is costing us next to nothing. It is what we can afford. Their opinions are BS and they would bitch regardless of where we go unless every day was tailored to suit their needs. That's just how they were brought up and I am trying like hell to get them to realize that life isn't all about meeting your needs all the time. There has got to be a give and take.

I get that they will want to do things and I said "each kid gets to pick one thing they want to do and we will either all do it with them or it can be one on one (depends on what it is - last year sk14 wanted to go parasailing @ 90/each - we couldn't afford for all of us to do that, so just him and DH went)..

Oh, and "if" we do move forward with the plans to get married in Florida - I am legitimately worried about the dynamic.. to the point where I am not sleeping, not eating, can't concentrate.. I'm a mess. And every time I look at them I am more pissed.. They put a huge stain on how I feel about what is supposed to be a wonderful day in my life.. instead I'm sick with worry and dread.

Thanks skids.. I really appreciate this..

We can't afford to do both and take that much time off work for both.

The two aren't dependant on each other (vacation and wedding) - we were really just trying to be nice and include everyone.

Ugh, I know.

And yes, they most certainly are. I mean, who does that? If someone offered to take my ass on vacation for a week, I would not bitch and gripe that the house "just isn't on the beach, therefore it's not to my liking".. OMG, are you kidding me????

It's a 4 bedroom house.. everyone gets their own bedroom and bathroom, 2 tier deck, huge pool and hot tub - it's gorgeous..

I agree, they should not have this much weight in the decision.. I get that it would be nice to talk as a family and come up with something everyone likes, but not on this one.. nope

We already had this planned. He was the one that wanted the actual wedding in the first place, heck, I was happy just to go to the courthouse and get it the heck over with.. Plus, I didn't want to deal with his kids and a wedding.. for gods sake, just planning a simple trip to an amusement park is a huge debacle with them..

Then I gave in. We talked and he wanted the kids there.. So in January/February we made the decision to include them. I check with my friend that owns the house, it was available and the dates and place was settled. Contacted a planner and the ball was rolling..

Fast forward to two weeks ago.. I say to DH "ya know, we should probably have a family meeting so the kids know where things are with regards to the planning and also the dates. We also need to let our ex's know for scheduling purposes." He agrees.. then less that 24 hours later, has the conversation with the skids minus me and all they do is bitch and complain that they don't want to go to Florida..

I understand that DH is considering their feelings, however, their feelings about the wedding and their feelings about where we are going for vacation are two entirely different things.

They were cool with the wedding.. until it was where THEY didn't want to have it. That is bullshit. Now all of a sudden we need to change everything for them or even consider not including other family members because of them?

Once again, they were ok with it.. until we told them where. Sure, when we first got engaged they bitched.. then accepted it.. now they are back to bitching.

They are entitled little shits and DH knows this.. everyone who has ever been around them knows this. "We" not, just "I" were working on this, however, it doesn't seem like it at the moment..

You are right on every point!

Unfortunately, the resentment is there... with regards to him and the skids. I am pissed that he went to them about this topic and then came back to me with all their bullshit negativity. I know some may say I am not considering their feelings.. not the case at all. Every minute of my life is about their feelings, wants and needs.. I am pro family and pro kids 100%..

However, this was special to me.. we did have a plan. Yes, it was wiggly with regards to some things, but we settled on my friends beach house in Florida for these dates... and wham! "let's reconsider" after THEY talked..

So fine, since DH and his boys apparently have all the say in this, there won't be a wedding - only a vacation.. it's what they want and really, I'm not in the mood to committ my life to this now anyways.

Yea, we thought we could pull it off.. but not with them. No way. It's gotta be ALL vacation and ALL about THEM.. I never got the memo that they are entitled to a vacation every year, did you? They should be happy we attempted to include them.

Wedding is postphoned. I'm not doing it where they want it. Nope.

Exactly my thoughts about Florida vs Myrtle.. ugh.. they don't like Florida.. the waves aren't big enough, the house wasn't on the beach, it was boring, blah blah blah.. can't you just be happy you aren't home and are actually on a beach somewhere? Just unappreciative of anything.. drives me up a freaking wall.