Future step daughter calls me a n*gger
I am at a crossroads in my life, and I have to make some tough decisions within the next few months. What I am going to write about will hit on a lot of hot-button topics, but I am hoping that I can express my feelings without judgment.
I am engaged to a man who has two daughters (three and six). I am currently working on my professional degree, and I originally had a policy that I would not date a man with kids. I am the type of woman who is happy with my sky rise condo, dog, and being a fabulous auntie to kids as opposed to being a mother. Nevertheless, when I began dating my fiancé, I had to reevaluate my viewpoint. I therefore took a lot of time before getting serious with him evaluating whether or not I could be a step mother to his kids. I spent a lot of time with his kids in order to make sure I would make a wise decision, and I did not fully commit into the relationship until I felt like I could love his children like they deserve.
His kids have some serious behavioral issues. The three year old curses, likes to beat people up (her siblings and adults), and is a habitual liar (already). The six year old will ignore you and lies on people to manipulate a situation to her advantage. Nevertheless, I saw all of these negative characteristics in these kids when I first met them, and I accepted the fact that they need a lot of help. I feel they are also developmentally delayed (as I assessed via my educational background), but my fiancé thinks they are advanced. I have been extremely patient with his kids until recently, because I feel some of their behavior is contributed to their mother and grandmother. Both kids were born with marijuana in their systems, and a lot of their bad behavior is learned through watching both their mother and my fiance’s mother. My fiancé gained full custody of his kids after their mother failed to properly care for them. The youngest child had recurrent diaper rashes that were so bad that her private area is permanently discolored. Furthermore, the mother is a habitual liar. In order to manipulate my fiancé after losing custody, she lost a lot of weight and claimed she was dying of lung cancer. My fiancé desired that his kids bond with their mother before she died, so he drafted an agreement giving her custody only if she provided a safe home for their kids and would subject herself to random drug testing. Failure to comply with any of his stipulations meant that she automatically broke the contract, and custody would revert back to him. He was under the impression that she only had six months to a year to live. However, as soon as she regains custody of the kids, her cancer miraculously disappeared, and began using the child support money to buy herself a new wardrobe.
As previously mentioned, the maladaptive behaviors of these kids were evident since day one, so I didn’t walk into this situation blindly. However, after two years of dealing with a series events, I am beginning to reevaluate if I can tolerate being a step-mother to these children. The first incident that made me think twice was when the three year old called me a n*gger five times in a row, and she wasn’t chastised for her behavior. As a matter of fact, her aunt laughed hysterically when she found out, and her grandmother (whom she learned this word from) said she isn’t changing for ANYONE. Then, I started having problems with the six year old. She would bond with me when I spent time with her, but after she would go spend time with her mother, she would come back and act like she hated me. Recently, she told her father that she didn’t like me and didn’t want to talk to me when he called her on the phone, and the three year old said she wanted to punch me in the face. I surmised some of this negative attitude towards me derived from their mother, so I wrote her a letter. In the letter, I informed her that I respect her as the mother of the girls, I will NEVER try to take her place, and she will never have to worry about me mistreating the girls in my presence. However, the letter fell on deaf ears.
Both girls are very superficial, and they are being taught to rank looks over behavior and education. The six year old had a hard time adjusting to her parents’ divorce, so I spent a lot of time with her in an attempt to build up her self-esteem and help her cope with the changes. Despite my efforts to help this child cope, her grandmother complains about her hair not being done up to her standards when she spent time with me. They feel it’s nothing wrong to take a three and six year old to the beauty salon weekly instead of putting that money towards a college fund. As a result of these beliefs, the youngest girl walks around at times twisting her hips like a grown woman and dancing like a stripper, and her family thinks it’s cute! Both girls sing vile songs and watch inappropriate music videos while with their mother, and the oldest girl is already so absorbed in her looks that she is starting to show the early signs of developing an eating disorder.
The three year old is so belligerent at such a young age that her behavior fits the criteria of Oppositional Defiant Disorder. However, I suspect that the real problem is alcohol exposure in utero since her mother has a history of alcohol abuse. The six year old has clearly picked sides with her mother, so she has no respect for me, and I won’t even hug the three year old in case she does back up her threat to punch me in the face. I feel like their father is so in love with his kids at times that he cannot see that they need serious help. I keep pressuring him to find the girls a child psychologist and inform their pediatrician that their mother consumed drugs while pregnant. Therefore, the doctor will know what mental and behavioral issues to look for as they grow up. However, this has yet to be done.
My fiancé is a supportive, honorable, and loving man, and this is what keeps me holding on to this relationship. I am just frustrated with the lack of action I see when it comes to addressing his kids' behavioral issues. The situation is now more complicated, because I recently found out I am pregnant. The idea of his kids being role models to my child fills me with dread! I am therefore starting to reevaluate my decision to permanently tie my life with his by having his child. I honestly don’t want his children around mine until they can learn how to behave better. As a matter of fact, I don’t want my child anywhere near his family. His mother is so superficial and has a foul mouth that she has passed on to his kids, and I find this to be completely unacceptable! To be honest, his family and ex wife are so dysfunctional that I wonder how he even grew up to become a decent, honorable, and loving man. So, this baby that I am now carrying is making me second guess having a life and/or child with him, and I am at a crossroads.
P.S. Does anyone wonder WHY some men pick the most inappropriate women? I just want to slap him at times and ask him what was he thinking?!! Why in the heck did he have two kids with a woman like this?!!
Really think it through hard.
Really think it through hard. This is a decision you will question yourself on FOREVER!!!
These problems will never go away. Ever. I am five years in and it is a perpetual loop.
Not to be totally pessimistic. I love my SD like my own, but there will always be issues. For example:
1: BMs are like cockroaches! They are impossible to get rid of, and they NEVER die. You are taking her on too. Always remember that!
2: DH will always stick up for his kids. They came around before you and his guilt will bind him to them forever! The best you can do is clearly state where you stand with DH and don't be swayed.
In any case you are already in it now. Even if you walk away and have his baby on your own, he can get access to the baby, not that you will likely fight that, but baby will grow up and perhaps want to meet it's sisters. They eventually develop a mind of their own, and god help you then.
I wish you luck and wisdom! These forums are a godsend, IMO.
I would not marry a man who
I would not marry a man who was not on the same page let alone book with me about raising kids. He is weak and gullible and will believe anything a woman tells him.
He has not addressed the racial slur directed towards you. That alone should be a HUGE red flag.
If you live with him I would investigate moving out for a while. Sometimes these men use their new partner as a buffer between them and their children. So look at moving out for a while. Do not visit when he has his girls. Let him realise EXACTLY how they are. In turn it will give you time alone to work out what you want to do. These girls urgently need intervention before they are too lost. And 3 guesses who will be living with it all in the future?
Also you can walk away if you are dis-satiasfied with how things are going. SDs call you names and threaten you... this is when you locate their father and say "I am leaving for my apartment. Your daughters threatened to punch me again. I will not tolerate being threatened with violence from ANYONE." This establishes your line in the sand. And of course your parting words to the girls are "I am sorry you think it is OK to punch people in the face. But I am leaving for my nice apartment now which is a shame because I was thinking of taking you 2 to the movies. Goodbye."
This makes it clear what you will and will not tolerate as acceptable behaviour. In time your SO may come around and realise you are right (we often are) and get the help for his daughters that they need if he wants you in his world.
Good luck!
I totally agree. If the OP
I totally agree. If the OP can take care of herself then she should continue to do so with a child.
My kids are mixed (as am I) and if anyone said anything like that to my kids there is no way in hell I would be around those people, much less let a child be around these people. And the Father did not address it? Really? I am just dumbfounded with this post.
Thanks for responding.
Thanks for responding.
I've often asked him why he didn't address this drug issue with his ex wife. When both of his children were born, he was in the military and deployed overseas. I asked him to tabulate how much time he spent with his ex wife before having kids with her, and he estimated it was only six months out of the first 2.5 years they were together. He therefore did not find out what his ex wife was all about until after he left the military. It wasn't until he returned to the United States permanently that he discovered her drug and alcohol abuse, and he didn't find out about his kids having marijuana in their systems until after he legally separated from her.
He feels a lot of guilt and shame for not getting to know his ex wife thoroughly before marrying and that his kids may have developmental problems due to her drug use. I have told him (in a nice way) that what's done is done, and the sooner they get help, the better chance we have at steering them on the right track. He states that he agrees with me, but there are no actions behind his words. I feel like he is burying his head in the sand out of extreme guilt.
You seem to have an excellent
You seem to have an excellent grasp on what you are dealing with. Kudos to you!
One visual sign of fetal alcohol syndrome is a smooth philtrum (the indentation most have that runs from your nose to the top of your upper lip). If she really has FAS, depending upon its severity, she may or may not do well living on her own...meaning when she is 18, she may still rely heavily on her parents (or you). I don't have much knowledge of FAS, but I have a lot of knowledge of Reactive Attachment Disorder (often occurs when child doesn't make a secure attachment to a care giver, usually the mother, early in life-leads to major behavioral issues and potentially dangerous behavior), which you could be dealing with as well.
If I had know what I would be dealing with, I NEVER would have married my husband. Never. However, my SD is no longer living with us and my husband "gets it" and is doing all he can to protect me...so now I am happy...but there is still a lot of "crap" to deal with, and still the guilt I felt as a mother for "failing" my SD and allowing my kids to be hurt by SD.
From my experience, if your fiance doesn't see his daughter's issues as a big deal, he never will. I printed off so much information for my husband and coached him on what to do, how to therapeutically parent SD, who to call for help, etc...he never took charge of his own daughter. He would let me schedule appointments and he would go...but he never learned enough about RAD to be the parent SD needed. That was a huge turn off to me. He does somewhat understand what living with SD did to me and he somewhat understands how she manipulates him, but not until I tell him what actually happened and that he was a sucker...so he still doesn't fully "get it".
If you can handle watching these kids grow up without the help they need, or grow up with you driving the help (which they will later likely resent you for and hate you and wish pure evil on you for)...then maybe you could get married. If you can't handle that, then I don't suggest it. Honestly, I think being as educated as you are it may drive you nuts that you teach your DH about his kids and what they need from him and then watch him do nothing. Maybe he would be proactive, but maybe not...marrying him under the assumption that he will change is probably not a good idea.
And in response to men marrying losers and then thinking "what was he doing with her??" Well my take on the whole thing is they married equal or down...and when they married you, YOU married down. If my husband did not marry me, he would be a low life loser just like his ex-GF is...he seems to be higher class ONLY because I married him and pulled him up closer to my level...maybe that is conceited and a bad way to think...but everyone in DH's family acts trashy...he didn't miraculously over-come that...my influence pulled him out of it. If he married SD's mom, he would likely be trashy just like she is, or perhaps pull her up a level.
I'd runnnnn away hard & fast
I'd runnnnn away hard & fast from this mess before it's too late. It sounds like you're outnumbered big time but good luck on what you decide
I read a lot about how Mom,
I read a lot about how Mom, Aunt & Grandma reacted to what the child called you, but not what Dad did. HE is the one you need to focus on, IMO. He's not being a good Dad if he doesn't discipline his child(ren). Don't blame one parent for not doing the job the other one doesn't want to do, either.
kitkat, you summed up being a
kitkat, you summed up being a SM VERY well! That is pretty much EXACTLY how I feel! I raised my SD full-time for 8 years and acted as her mother...that doesn't even change things. She is now living with my inlaws and it is as if I had never existed...they un-did everything I had tried to teach her. So if they ever decide they need my help with her...they will NOT be getting it!
I find it very sad that some parents don't care to help their kids or even teach them to be proper human beings. It is sad that the steps we cannot stand could have been good kids if their PARENT taught them how...I have found it is IMPOSSIBLE for a SM to teach a SK to be a proper human being, EVEN when you are "mom" to them! Eventually they just see you as a kill-joy and find it a game to be played. So I will never try ever ever ever again! Never!
Why are the skids allowed to
Why are the skids allowed to get away with this behavior? Why are there no consequences? They are only 3 and 6 for God sakes. They need to be taught that this behavior is NOT acceptable and will NOT be tolerated. When the 3 year old threatens to punch you in the face, she should be sent to her room with no entertainment where she can think about what she has done wrong. After an appropriate amount of time has passed and she is ready to apologize, she can come out. As far as the racial slur, that is completely unacceptable as well and should have been dealt with by your DH- whether he feels a time-out is appropriate, a loss of privileges, whatever- there should have been a swift and severe consequence. It sounds like you are dealing with a guilty dad and as someone who has been dealing with one for 4 years, let me just say it is HARD and not likely to get any easier. Some small things have improved for me, but it is just as hard today as it was the day we all moved in together. I question what I am doing with my DH on a daily basis. I love the man but my God, I am not sure it's worth all the crap I have to deal with.
You are a highly educated,
You are a highly educated, professional woman. Why do you want to hook up to this much ill mannered baggage, and I'm not talking about the kids? The BM and MIL are cut from the same lowbrow cloth. They are actively encouraging the kids to be incredibly disrespectful of you, they want you gone.
I take it that you are much more educated than DF's family and the BM. Your education is a threat to them.
Run unless you two plan to move far away from all of them. Any plan or control for the life you dreamed about will be replaced with dealing with the chaos of CPS, police.
Thanks to all of you for your
Thanks to all of you for your responses.
To OptimisticMe:
I actually believe his youngest daughter has Fetal Alcohol Effect (FAE). It is a part of the Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders, but these kids look normal. They therefore wouldn’t have a smooth philtrum, short nose, epicantal folds, etc. Nevertheless, these kids are more likely to display serious behavioral issues. I believe many women (including my fiance’s ex) who consume alcohol during pregnancy erroneously believe that if their kids look normal, there was no harm done. However, I have encountered a few kids with FAE, and they display some severe maladaptive behaviors at a very young age. This is what truly concerns me about my fiance’s little girl, but I am at a point where I only care about my sanity and the welfare of my child.
To everyone:
I had a long talk with him last night and told him I am extremely uncomfortable having his children around mine until they learn how to behave correctly. I also told him that I am angry, because this should be a happy point in my life! Instead, I have to make decisions not solely based on what is best for my baby and I but also due to the negative influences and chaos that are coming from his side of the family. I told him that I feel cheated, because his kids, with their current issues, would wear him out eventually, and my child would end up with whatever is left of his time, energy, and patience. He said that he didn’t want me to stress, and I told him, “Then get your kids help, so I will more comfortable bringing a child into this situation!” I am usually a very calm person, but the hormone fluctuations are making me a little short tempered lately (maybe that’s a good thing…lol).
Someone also mentioned that she could not really fathom how I tolerate the behavior of the kids. I grew up in a single parent household, and my family rose from poverty to success. In order for my mother to keep me on the right track, discipline and love were given abundantly in my home. My mother and I are best friends now that I am an adult, but as a child, her sole objective was to save me from myself (lol). Most of my cousins didn’t graduate from high school and/or have multiple kids without being married, but my mother fought HARD to ensure that I did not follow this path. I therefore CRINGE when I see my fiance’s kids behave in this manner. He told me that he wants his kids to grow up like me, and I pretty much told him that he needs to start listening to my concerns and suggestions on how to deal with their behaviors and lackluster morals. If not, they will more than likely grow up to be just like their mother.
Someone also mentioned that his family is jealous of my education. You are 100% correct. I have known my fiancé since childhood, and we dated for a short period after high school. Nevertheless, it didn’t work out, and he joined the military while I spent some time alternating between the military and college. As I mentioned earlier, I came from a single parent home, and my mother went back to college at the age of 30 to earn her business degree. However, my fiancé comes from a nuclear (although dysfunctional) family, and he will be the first male in his family to earn a degree. I did not find this out until recently, but when my fiancé and I dated after high school, his mother had the audacity to tell mine that I needed to spend more time with her family, so I could learn how a “real family” works. His mother has always believed that her family is better than mine, and years ago, they had more financial stability. However, when my fiancé and I reunited two years ago, the situation reversed. My mother worked for one of the largest pharmaceutical companies in the world and married her childhood sweetheart who is also educated and retired military. They have the nicest home in the neighborhood (so nice that people like to drive by and take pictures of the house and yard) and a phenomenal marriage. I purchased my first home at 21, and I also have a place in the city (I did all of this by serving my country in exchange for college money), I have multiple degrees, and I am currently a physician in training. She honestly didn’t expect my family to prosper, and she almost passed out when she saw my home. My mother believes that my fiance’s mother is only happy about the pregnancy, because she believes it will derail my goals. My fiancé is in nursing school and works full-time, and she keeps pushing him to go to medical school to be a surgeon in order to outdo me. I honestly told her that it takes a LOT of time, energy, hard work, and money to get where I am, and since he would have to start from the beginning, he won’t practice as a board certified surgeon for at least 13 years. I am towards the end of the road, and she tried to act like I did all of this in two years. Ha! I wish it was that easy.
I typed a lot. I guess I needed to vent. Thanks to all of you for your comments. Before I conclude, I want to state the reasons why I fell in love with my fiancé. When we decided to get serious, he came to me and stated that whatever he had, it was mine as well, and he gave me access to ALL of his banking accounts and also gave me passwords to his cell phone and email accounts. When he knows I had a particularly hard week or am not feeling well, he drives hours to my home and goes grocery shopping, cooks, and cleans up my place so that I can concentrate on my education. He knows that I get so busy at times, so he likes to cook food in bulk for me, or he will order my favorite dish and have it delivered to me. We talk for hours about everything under the sun, and when we are together, we hardly watch TV, because we spend so much time talking and sharing what is going on in our lives. When I am too tired to study, he will pick up my textbooks and read to me or quiz me on the material, and when we are in public, he always lets me shine. He insists on opening doors for me wherever we go, he pulls out the chair for me when we go out to eat, and he is always communicating to his friends and loved ones about how proud he is of me and how much he loves me. When I went to visit him at school a few months ago, the first thing one of his female classmates said was, “We KNOW who you are! He talks about you ALL of the time!” When I found out I was pregnant, he went to the store and purchased anything he could think of to help me with nausea, aches and pains, and he even purchased maternity bras for me. I honestly would not have dealt with him if he acted ANYTHING like his ex wife or family, but the love and kindness he has given me is being overshadowed by the situation with his children. It’s just sometimes difficult to make the right decisions when your heart’s involved.
Well I would have told you to
Well I would have told you to run but reading the bottom of your post it is too late for that.
"P.S. Does anyone wonder WHY some men pick the most inappropriate women? I just want to slap him at times and ask him what was he thinking?!! Why in the heck did he have two kids with a woman like this?!!"
...all that and then we pick men like that. Really, this man is going to be the father of your child. And his mother, who use vulgar epithets, is now in your child's life, and now YOUR CHILD will have two psycho sisters. Really, your post script boggled my mind.