What I think about those who create and foster mini wives
I think it is just creepy. Some of it is incestuous. Peanut's blog about the stepdad and SD got me to thinking about this.
Those that do these things are really doing their kids a disservice. No boy their kids' age is going to want to date their daughter after seeing that.
There are those that keep fostering this mini-wife behavior and those who stop it. Parents in both groups should not be surprised that their kids have issues. The kids did not create these issues. The parents did. When the parent who encouraged the mini wife behavior stops, usually they stop (to be blunt) because they have a new partner in their lives who is getting fed up. And the kid in question knows that. Why would they feel an incentive to change when they feel Dad only started stepping up and parenting them to keep a partner in their lives? It is no wonder these kids have multitudes of issues and act out so much. Their behavior is all on the parents who created these mini wives. If those parents want to be mad at someone for how their kid acts, they should be mad at themselves and themselves only. Because when these "parents" start doing things differently, instead of these kids improving at a fast rate, they just give their kid a whole new set of issues to deal with. How these kids react is not good, but it's par for the course. I think most of us would resist changing as kids if we felt our parents were making changes to keep a partner in their lives, and not for our betterment alone.
And then there are those who just keep going down this bad path. They give their kids unhealthy issues to deal with too. These kids will never have partners of their own. They won't have kids of their own. They definitely won't have lives of their own.
What that stepdad and all these other mini wife creating men are doing is just gross and downright harmful to their kids. There seems to be an awful lot of anger directed to the KIDS who are in these situations, and not enough towards the dads/stepdads who not only ok this behavior, but encourage it. And there seems to be an awful lot of anger directed at the former mini wives, and not enough towards the dads/stepdads who created these beasts. While the kids may "know better,"they certainly do not have the skill set to deal with their anger in healthier ways or rise above these situations. These kids aren't adults and we shouldn't have adult expectations of them or expect them to see these situations the way we do. These parents are reaping what they have sown and deserve to. They don't like the results? They don't like how their kid acts towards them? Too bad so sad. And some of them behave so sickly with their kids/stepkids that they should be in jail.
I agree. Some dads have no
I agree. Some dads have no clue they're creating a mini wife; however. They think that their daughters deserve all of their undivided attention because after the divorce, they are split between two homes and are "broken" inside. True, they may be broken inside, but to elevate them to "wife" status isn't the right way to handle their child's pain.
My DH learned early on in our relationship that he had a full blown mini wife on his hands. He didn't see anything wrong with her wanting to cling to him like a lifeline even in completely harmless situations. He saw it as "cute" that she always had to hold his hand or cuddle on the couch with him or sit on his lap CONSTANTLY. He pictured her as his cute little precious baby, not the 12-13 yr old sexually blooming young adult that was clearly interacting with him as a lover would, not a daughter toward a father.
The final straw (as everyone who knows my story knows) came when they were spooning on the floor during a movie. Her butt pushed into his crotch, she grabbed his arm and pulled it over her body, only to lock hands fingers interlaced. This was NOT how a father/daughter behaved and laid together, this is how lovers do. When I mentioned it to him later, he said his first fleeting thought was discomfort but he shrugged it off since it was "his baby".
After viewing photos I took of the two of them at a hockey game, her sprawled across his lap in the arena, holding his hand, looking up lovingly at him - the lightbulb REALLY went off for him. He didn't realize how it appeared to the outside world. To him, she was just his baby, his precious little angel, his daughter. To the world, she was a teenage girl sitting on an older man's lap at a HOCKEY game. Disgusting to say the least.
I do blame him for doing what he did to her, but I also know that he knew she was very hurt after the divorce and he thought he was doing right by her by babying her and allowing her to make all the decisions in his life. He and his ex fucked this girl's head up and neither of them have been able to set her straight. Counseling didn't work since all she did was lie for sympathy and attention. Now that she's being a total bitch and ignoring her father because she's simply not allowed to tell him what to do with his life, he blames himself and his ex for putting this kid in a position she never should've been in - one of power and control.
I'm so happy for you guys
I'm so happy for you guys that she's gone pretty much for good now. I can't imagine the kind of stress and strain it would be to have that going on in my home!
OMG I know right? I mean, DH
OMG I know right? I mean, DH is heartbroken and misses her like crazy but also realizes that it's not fun and can be downright dangerous to have her around while she's in this mind set.
I'm SO happy I can go home and not have that worry, anxiety or tension anymore. It was a nightmare.
I agree with this. Every word
I agree with this. Every word of it.
Also, I think time heals all wounds. Hopefully time away will help SD to heal hers and help DH to heal his.
Redwings, I've read this
Redwings,
I've read this story of yours about three times now and it NEVER gets old for me. I cannot tell you how much I want to send this story to my DW and say "See!? This is what is going on with you and SS!".
Drac0 - I seriously almost
Drac0 - I seriously almost ended my relationship with him over this. I mean, my daughter looked at me and was like "WTF is this?" when she first met DH and Sd and saw how they behaved together. She's only 6 mos older than stepdevil but worlds more mature and she was floored that they thought this was appropriate behavior.
When peers can see it's not appropriate, it just makes me wonder how the adults are blinded by it?
At least your husband had the
At least your husband had the good sense to snap out of his fugue and see the situation for what it was. I can only imagine him seeing the photos of him and his daughter together and going "Oh....OH!!!...".
I still have nightmarish images of SS planting DW one on the lips in front of me and saying "I'm your boyfriend!", or when SS would come out and say "Mommy? I am waiting for you to come to bed with me". All being said with a sickiningly seductive tone. Mind you, this was years ago, but just the mere thought of it turns me off. And I'm a guy. It takes A LOT to turn me off.
I was lucky that he finally
I was lucky that he finally saw it though because I was literally at my breaking point. This girl POSSESSED him, it wasn't just physical either. When he and I first started dating it was "Let me check and see if SD will be ok with this before I make any plans" or "SD isn't comfortable with us holding hands or kissing in front of her, so we have to stop"...I seriously walked on that one.
Anyhow, your SS is simply sick. I can see a girl being possessive over her daddy but a boy like that with his mom? Most boys don't ever want to kiss anyone at that age, much less their moms. They think girls are gross with cooties and all.
ICK ICK ICK.
Just last night I was bathing
Just last night I was bathing BS and BD (I or DW sometimes hop in the tub with them). DW was going up and down in the hallway gathering towels and PJs. She stopped momentarily in front of the linen closet and SS came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her from behind. The look on his face was....ugh...I can't even describe it. Let me just say that if any other guy hugged my wife like that and had that look, I would have jumped out of the bath ready to tackle and haul the guy's ass to the curb...only to realize then that I was naked.
Yep, they were spooning. It
Yep, they were spooning. It was disgusting to say the least. DH laid on the floor because my DD15 (she was then 13) and I were on the couch and his daughter who was 12 was in the kitchen. He popped in a DVD that we all wanted to watch and laid down on the floor in front of the tv. Well, SD came in from the kitchen and instead of sitting in the chair or couch or floor, planted herself right in front of daddy, grabbing his arm and pulling it over her body.
They laid like that the entire 2 hrs of the movie and my DD and I were flabbergasted. We both looked at each other in disgust! She was SHOCKED that a girl that age would lay with her father that way and I was shocked that he'd allow it.
Once the movie was over, I took him into the other room and said "You do realize she's 12 right? And that you were laying with her like lovers on the floor together?" And he said "Yeah, it felt weird at first but she's my KID, you know?" And I said, "Go with your first instinct. It felt weird because it's WRONG and inappropriate". He never allowed it to happen again but yeah, I was seriously grossed out.
I whole-heartedly believe
I whole-heartedly believe that the majority of stepfamily issues (when it comes to us stepmoms) originate with the father. Whether it's lack of boundaries with BMs, lack of respect for the new wife, or guilty parenting of the kids .. it's almost always rooted in something dad is or isn't doing.
That .. coupled with the unrealistic expectations of new SMs, or over-stepping SMs, and it's just a miserable disaster waiting to happen. Let's not forget crazy BMs and demonic skids. It's a strong couple that survives it and comes out on the other side still together!
Agreed, 100%.
Agreed, 100%.
My dad treated me like a
My dad treated me like a little princess. He called me Dolly. But he never fostered a mini-wife syndrome in me.
Because he treated my mom like a QUEEN. I knew where *I* was in the pecking order.
Of course, they stayed married but I have even seen intact families where the dad encourages mini-wife behavior or the wife with the son.
I really don't get why these
I really don't get why these girls are so happy playing " little girl". When I was growing up all I wanted was to be older and show how grown up and mature I was. Never did I want to pretend to be a baby or a toddler and have my parent fawn all over me as such.
I kind of get why the dads fall into that trap, they like the unconditional adoration from the girl and society seems to base a fathers success on how much he dotes on his dsughter. The whole daddy's little princess thing.
But I just don't get the girls motivation, I would have been mortified and totally creeped out to be sitting on my dads lap or hanging on him all wet in a pool.
Here's an oldie but goodie
Here's an oldie but goodie article on the miniwife syndrome: http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2009/10/22/princesses-princes-daughters-and-...
I thought my ysd daughter's
I thought my ysd daughter's behavior was attention seeking also. Since ysd's mom died when she was 14, I felt she clinging to my dh because he is all she had. But, when I joined this site..I realized it was the mini wife syndrome. She would hang on my dh, but do things like if he had something in his eye she would jump up immediately try to see what it was. It made me and my dh very uncomfortable.
Even after she moved out, and we moved to our new home she would insinuate herself in situations even if she was not even there. She was way too involved in his life..had no friends and most of the time where we went; she went too. She was 19 when I met dh not a child.
when i read about this, I'm
when i read about this, I'm sooo thankful to have step sons. it is the one thing related to step parenting i was spared.