What does kids having a BM, have anything to do with my love for them?
This is a little bit of a rant:
I just got a bitchfest email from BM, out of nowhere,....The kids are at her place this week-so I'm guessing the kids must have said something to her about me and it set her off,... She just went off on me saying things like "Don't you forget they are MY kids NOT yours" "I love them unconditionally" She ranted about a bunch of other stuff,... and I'm ignoring and documenting the email....
But it brings me to my question:
I am one of the minority on here.
Yes, my fiance's kids annoy the crap out of me, yes, they purposely push my buttons, yes, they can throw tantrums and fits and make me want to go down in the basement and drink a bottle of wine,...BUT I love them.
Like they were my own, unconditionally, no matter what they do, I still miss them when they go to their BM. I still want to take care of them, help them, do things for them. Help my FDH take care of them....
Now that that is said,...
HOW is the fact that they have a BM alive, or at all, or in their lives, not in their lives,...
What does her EXISTENCE have anything to do with MY LOVE for them?
Can I NOT love them like they are my own, just because she is alive?
Or can I NOT love them like they are my own, just because she sees them EOWE during the school year, and EOW during the summer???
I just mean if a husband and wife adopt a kid, they are "allowed" to love their adopted child as if it is theirs.
But just because I am about to be a stepmom,...I mean really... I am "not allowed" to love her kids as much as her?
Adopted Mom can love like they're her own
but Step Mom is not allowed to love like they're her own?
It's my love,...how can someone else judge it and rate it as less than someone else?
I just don't get why this is such a "no-no"
She is feeling threatened by
She is feeling threatened by you. She is probably jealous that her kids like you. Let it go, as hard as that is, and know you are doing a good job.
Outsider, serious question
Outsider, serious question for you since you are a custodial SP. Do your stepkids call you mom, and is that cool/not cool with you?
I ask because it still bothers the shit out of me that my BM married this dude she'd known for 3 months and immediately encouraged SS to call him "Daddy." I know many people say titles don't matter, but there are a few reasons it bothers me.
1.) Three months. Really?
2.) DH is still very much involved and has had to fight to stay that way.
3.) When DH asked BM about this she said "Well he's here all the time, and you aren't," pretty much indicating that her desire here is to replace DH. This is more irritating because it was she that chose to move so far away.
4.) SS has NEVER been permitted to call me "Mommy." When DH pointed this out, she said 'Well that's different.'
I know I'm probably making a mountain out of a molehill, but as a CSP you might have a different perspective.
I apologize for highjacking your thread. AS far as your feelings are concerned? It being demanded that you change them because someone else is jealous of them, is really really stupid.
The kids have asked if they
The kids have asked if they could call me mom.
My response was, "If your mom and I are ever in public and you yell MOM! which one is supposed to come to you?"
THat solved it for a little bit
But they occasionally slip up and say "mom?" when they are asking me a question, and don't even realize it... I don't correct them.
They have told me their BM has yelled at them for calling her my name,... and I know it's the same situation, I accidentally call the girls the wrong name sometimes, their grandpa calls all the girls in their family the wrong name sometimes,... so I let it go...
But I would NEVER demand they call me "mom"
Word. I know that overtime
Word. I know that overtime kids end up making those sorts of decisions for themselves, and that's cool. I think it's the not-so-well-veiled attempt to replace my DH that has me riled up.
And the clear opinion that I'm less important than TV-dinner Dad (stepdad).
Best to ignore her. Although
Best to ignore her.
Although I personally would be a bitch and tell her to fuck off and ask what kind of an asshole mother gets mad because someone cares about her children.
I pretty much did that with BM (except did not explicitly say eff you) and she's stayed away from me ever since. It's glorious.
The fact is that BMs
The fact is that BMs existence is irrelevant to your love of your skids, just as the existence of my son's SpermIdiot is irrelevant to my loving him as my son.
Unfortunately BM's existence has everything to do with your Skid's love for you. Even if you walk on water and spread fairy dust on your Skid's lives BM's existence will always have some level of pollution on them and on the relationship that they have with you. Even if she were dead that would be the case.
My DW was raised by her mom and StepDad. Her BioDad was killed in a car accident before my MIL knew she was pregnant. My MIL and FIL married when my DW was 2mos old. My DW loves her dad incredibly. In fact they have a much closer relationship than her three younger sibs have with my FIL and they are his bios.
Even in that circumstance the specter of mythical BioDad had influence over my DW and impacted the relationship she had with her dad when she was younger.
Parental unconditional love is not the exclusive realm of BioParents. I think that in many ways a Sparent that expresses unconditional love for a Skid delivers a far more pure version than what a BioParent delivers. In a Sparent that unconditional love is a rational choice and not a genetic obligation.
In your case there is no doubt that you love your Skids in a far more pure and better way than their toxic womb donor.
She is condemned by her own behavior.
IMHO of course.
That is because adopted
That is because adopted parents CHOOSE to take on these children...it is a CHOICE...us SMs get with a man because we love them and not because we love or want their children, their children are part of the "package" so to speak...not our choice. kwim?
But yes, you can love your skids as if they are your own no matter what BM says...just obviously know your place and don't overstep any boundaries because NO BM likes that and it is just asking for trouble.
We're step parents, not
We're step parents, not robots. Of course I love my ss. He's not my own child, but he's part of the man I love and chose to marry.