First off...don't do anything you don't wholehearted WANT to do for the skids. YOU did not put your dick in BM. They already HAVE two parents. YOU are not one of them.

You need to stand up to your DH and enforce boundaries.

As SM, I do not believe we have any responsibilities toward the skids except being civil and polite unless they cannot act like civil human beings themselves.

ZERO requirement to DO anything or SPEND anything.

NOT OUR KIDS.

I am very blessed to have a man that KNOWS that HIS kid is HIS responsibility. He does not ask/expect/demand ANYTHING of/from me regarding his kid. And I firmly believe that is the way it should be. Just because we marry/date a man with kids DOES NOT MEAN that we have to step into the "Mommy" role. EVER! We date/marry the man we are with for THEM NOT THEIR KIDS! PERIOD!

Anything we do for the skids should be OUR CHOICE! NEVER EXPECTED OR DEMANDED! We are NOT their parents...we did not create them or birth them or ANYTHING for that matter so therefore our men and the skids SHOULD NEVER ask, expect or demand anything from us!

And I for one don't do jack shit for my BF's skid...

AND I DON'T GIVE A FUCK EITHER!!! }:)

I do not do anything that I don't want to do for or with the skids. DH no longer assumes I will be around to take care of skids.

I told him one day what I was willing to do and what I wasn't and that I expected to be asked and be respected.
It took a couple of years, but we are good now.

So, stand up for yourself ... it makes ALL the difference.

It sounds like it's time for you and your DH to have a come to jesus meeting.

These kids are not your responsibility. He absolutely should be rushing home to take care of his kids. What would he be doing if you weren't there?

I know exactly what you mean, my SO will get his 3 children approx EOWE (except I just found out they are coming again this weekend - 3rd in a row - YAY!!!!) He has one son (horrible) and two girls, plus we have a son together. He will leave with his son for hours at a time, leave me with his daughters, who I do like, so it's not a big drama, but I think, why bother going to get them if you aren't going to spend time with them. He, I think assumes because I am home with my daughter and our child, the girls are fine to stay, and they are, because they are nice most of the time, but I rarely just leave with my daughter, without some prior arrangement, or organising with him first that he will be available to watch our son. He never leaves his son with me (12yo shit), and his son would not stay with me either. If his children lived here full time and he thought I would take any responsiblity for naughty kids I would probably, hopefully ask him to leave. I spend quality time with his daughters because I enjoy it, if I didn't - I would not do it.

And you work, I can't understand why he thinks you should leave your work to pick up his kids.

I have absolutely NO responsibility regarding DH's kids too. Him and BM are both responsible for their kids and parent them both. Even when they're having dramas and problems and whatnot crap - it's still THEIR PROBLEM.

I take full responsibility for the same with my Son.

It works out perfectly for us because neither of have to feel responsible for the other's offspring.

IF the day ever comes where skids live with us full time (if I don't leap off the harbour bridge), we will be sitting down to have a discussion FIRST - before ANYTHING is arranged. Until that day comes.. we will continue doing as we do..

Hope your DH gets it clear in his head that they are HIS kids and therefore HIS responsibility. Hell, even when they come back after 2 weeks - make it clear that you WON'T be on hand to pick them up from school etc - he has to arrange all this. You got into this relationship to be with HIM - NOT his kids.

we have SD 100% - her bm lost parental rights due to abuse & neglect.
I was the breadwinner & going to school so dad & SD were home.
After my health worsen & I got pregnant we decided I would be a SAHM & stay in school part time for mainly our lo ( I had been working day shift so childcare for SD wouldnt have been an issue, our lo has mild airway issues and has a dr's order for no daycare - he ended up with rsv & croup earlier this year)
Dad finally found a job with a 2 hour 1 way commute (until we relocate) so I am watching both kids.
I explained to my SO if I was going to watch SD she better follow my rules and mind (he needed to back me up in our decision - in the past we would have long talks about SD and he would undermine me to come out super dad and me the evil stepmonster) or he could find childcare (which he cannot afford).

The issues started when I stopped working (I was usually gone from 430am to 9pm between work & school and a 45 min commute one way) when I was diagnosed as high risk pregnancy.
I noticed my SO would parent SD from the couch and never check or verify anything so thus she of course said yes she did her chores, homework etc.
Over the course of about a year we have worked to make his parenting style less lax, which is why I'm sure the backlash from SD.

To make a long story short and not get mired down in the dirty details, I.ve disengaged. I will watch my SD make sure she stays out of trouble, gets to bed on time, eats, etc but I do not make her appointments anymore, I do not give her rides to any functions or appointments anymore, I will go with my SO as a family but no more am I doing anything extra for SD.
I flat out told them both so and amazingly my SO backs me up; he agrees that SD cannot get away with her actions [lying to everyone about me saying I'm neglectful & uninvolved (at 2 different schools for 2 years) and other rumors so bad to the point other people will not let their kids over, I'm basically shunned in our small community.] and not have consequences.

I would talk with your DH about what you will and will not do with your sks; also when he wants to go out make yourself unavailable once in awhile or on a regular basis, go out alone or with just you and the baby (My so changed his tune when I went out & left him with our lo and his own daughter for 4 hours, so now he knows what it is like, I also now take blended classes each term so I get a day away each month).

I found the more I did for my SD the more my SO was willing to dump on me; Ive made it clear she is his daughter and his responsibility, I will help, but my priorities are myself and kids as well.

I don't think it's a matter of step children v. your own children responsibility, but a matter of gender roles and gender role expectations.

Division of responsibility in a relationship is a very difficult thing to balance. Lots of communication and clearly set expectations.

You have clearly been taking on more than you expected and that needs to be communicated to your partner. (Ideally prior to the living arrangements/marraige..but hey, no time like the present).

You are completely valid in feeling resentful. If you love your partner you will also listen to his reasoning and where he is coming from. Hopefully you can come to some sort of workable arrangement for the sake of the 3 children..

Best of luck.

Floridamom, you would do well to dial it back on the dramatics. Good grief, are you practicing Lifetime Movie of the Week writing?

My bio kids live with us full time and we get SDs on the weekend. I almost always watch SDs on weekends that DH has to work, but if I'm not feeling up to watching 4 kids I let him know and he takes them to their grandmother's until he gets off work. That is rare though. The default position is that I watch them when he isn't here unless I specifically tell him otherwise. I also plan the meals, buy snacks and food for all the kids, etc. I don't have a problem with it because for one thing I do love the SDs and DH also keeps my kids whenever I leave the house to go to the store, etc. He makes their meals, cleans up after them and changes my son's diaper without being asked if I'm not home or sleeping or something and will take/pick up my DD from school as needed. If one of us wants to go out with our friends or whatever, we will ask the other if they mind staying home with the kids. Other than that we work together as a Mom and Dad as if all the kids were our own biological kids. I think it works because he's not your average male that thinks all childcare, cleaning and cooking should fall on the woman. He does everything that I do and responsibilities are divided up pretty equally between us. Also we are both happy with this arrangement and I don't think either of us feels like we're being taken advantage of. If you're not happy, you should change it definitely. If you don't want to be "Mom" you shouldn't have to be! Plain and simple. Tell him to change it or look for the door!

Hey floridamom - I believe you joined the wrong forum.