Trust your instinct, you're being excluded. However, that's not necessarily a bad thing. But with things that affect you, DH should tell SD that he will discuss things with you first and get back to her. Otherwise, they can talk without you, as long as it's not things concerning your home, your finances, etc.

The "you hate my daughter" tactic is classic defensive response. My SO did this too. I'm an evil woman who ignores and hates his son, it's all my fault he has no social skills and fails to acknowledge I'm even in the same room. I used to take it to heart until I got on ST, and now I'm like, whatever, you're full of shit. This would happen when I would want to talk about and negotiate proposed household rules. How dumb I was.

So now, I just tell SS to shut off the video games, I tell him myself, I don't go through SS for things that affect me.

You absolutely deserve to be respected, however, you're not going to get it from SD by waiting for DH to do something about it, probably. You can do things like I did, stop cooking for SD, stop doing anything for her. Just do things for you and DH. And avoid putting yourself in a position to be disrespected.

Also, be prepared to walk away if SD doesn't move out and become independent. This is the hardest thing. I will be facing this dilemma in a couple of years. My emotionally stunted SS16 probably won't be ready to be independent after he graduates high school. And I don't think I can handle living with an emotionally stunted adult SK. So we shall see. But I'd stop asking for 'updates,' it will just aggravate him. Try to approach it with some humor or sarcasm. I find that gets my point across without starting a big fight. But I agree this is all very tough to deal with.

His remark, "I know you hate my daughter and you want her gone" is a cheap shot, used to manipulate you into being on the defensive. Don't buy it. Ask for specifics. Have him tell you - specifically - why he has that 'impression', and don't allow vague answers. My DH used the, "You are not making SD comfortable here", while SD was slamming doors in my face, being totally obnoxious, treating me as if I was invisible, etc. - until I asked for specifics. He could not come up with one instance in 20 years!

DH is giving you double messages, wanting you to be a Super-mom all day to SD while stressing you have a hands off approach, only allowing you to have a limited say in the relationship with SD and limited access to communications which impact the lives of both of you. Let him know you are giving him the gift of being a parent to his daughter without your interference. Your plans take precedence because you are excluded from being in the communication loop between he and SD, you will not be adjusting your plans. He'll have to find a way to accommodate SD despite his career. How can he expect otherwise?

"Do you really think his daughter likes you or respects you? One of the most liberating moments in my marriage to DH was the time he was on the phone with SD and blurted out, "SD says she LIKES you!", with the 'now don't your feel bad?' look on his face. I replied, so SD could hear me, "SD doesn't like me and I don't like her", with the 'end of the B.S.' look on MY face.

You hate my daughter, you just don't want me to have a relationship with her, she can't do anything right as far as your concerned, your just looking for trouble, it's all in your imagination, your crazy, you just don't like her, your too sensitive, you are the adult (they still use this one when their kids are in their forties), you need to try harder, you need to understand they're mad because I left their mum, (yeah, how long ago, and what's that got to do with me). She didn't say that, I didn't hear it,(yeah, he did), she didn't do that, I didn't see it,(yeah, he did).

These and so much more are all written in a book for chicken shit dads who are too terrified to parent their kids in case their kids won't talk to them. These men make such terrifyingly loud noises about how special their kids are to them, how they will never give up on their kids, no matter how badly their kids treat you, their wife. You, the wife will be the adult, the punching bag for them, the victim for your DH, because he believes if they hate you, that means they love him. Then one day when you the wife finally says enough is enough, I'm done. Dad just as suddenly bails on the kids. Dads love for the kids you see in cases like this, is only superseded by his love for himself. As long as you accept the situation, dad has nothing to lose, and nothing changes. When you refuse to put up with it, dad suddenly becomes DH. He realises then he has a wife whom he is losing and just like that, dad dumps the kids in favour of keeping his creature comforts.

I have always believed that for all these problems to exist in the step parent thing, and ever so commonly with step daughters, the father is the root of the problem. It is becoming more and more apparent these men are narcissists or have some other personality disorder. You cannot change them, you can change yourself, you can take yourself out of the picture and refuse to be a target. You can make a life for yourself that doesn't include them, just as their life doesn't include you. It is then and only then your DH will change his way of doing things or the marriage will end. Either way is far better than living like this for the rest of your life.

Exclusion is a common occurence when stepchildren are involved.

The hurdle is not step daughter. The hurdle is the DH who choses to run two families, one with his daughter who knows absolutely what is on the agenda, and one with the wife whom he completely keeps in the dark. He does this because he knows he is doing the wrong thing, but he thinks if he can sneak it past you then he can avoid an arguement with you. Win win for DH and daughter. Not so good for wife and marriage.

STEPASIDE. 8 long self esteem, soul and marriage destroying years I heard this crap. during those years my husband and his daughter were their very own version of the three wise monkeys. They heard no evil, except from me. They saw no evil, except from me, and the only evil that was spoken, was by me. SD was not trying to destroy our marriage, even though she openly told people she would destroy our marriage, DH said she didn't mean it. No, SD was above that. I on the other hand, was actively inventing stuff to destroy his relationship with his daughter. It was all my fault. DH was happy having SD talk to him, no matter how disrespectfully, she was talking to him and that's all that mattered. SD to was happy, daddy was allowing her to isolate, humiliate, ignore and insult me. Daddy never said a word, and she was having a ball. The only unhappy person in this threesome - well that was me. About 3 months ago, in counselling, he tells the psychologist, he saw and heard everything, he knew I had gone above and beyond for his daughter and that his daughter was the one who had been causing all the trouble. He told the therapist that he didn't want to say anything to her about her behaviour because he was afraid she would stop talking to him. They know it alright. Each and everyone of them know it. They just deny, deny,deny until the shit as you say hits the fan. When it looks as though the wife who stood by them for years, supported and loved them no matter what, is about to walk out that door, then they tell the truth. They knew, they always knew. But until it is them who stands to lose, they will never admit it.

I found this admission to be bitter sweet to be honest. It was good to know I wasn't insane, that I hadn't imagined it all. But, on the other hand, it hurt like hell to think my husband could do that to me. It confirmed what I suspected for years, my husband is a very selfish man. He allowed me to suffer terrible humiliations, so his daughter would talk to him. It confirmed a lot about the personality of the man I married, all the charm of the narcissist he is, had caused me to allow this man to emotionally abuse me for years. I never, until his admission thought he, well anyone really, could be so cruel to another human being, for any reason, let alone pure selfish gain.

However, on a positive note. I realise now, I had very low self esteem when I married him. Men like this smell that in a woman, they purposefully choose women like this, a strong well adjusted woman who valued herself and had a healthy sense of self esteem would never allow herself to be humiliated for days, let alone years, she would be of no use to them. These men are weak in themselves, and they choose women that they see as weaker. The weakness they see in us is our love, our compassion, our understanding and our empathy. Attributes the narcissist does not have. Then they set about completely eradicating what little sense of self esteem we had. They don't want a wife. They didn't choose us for a life partner or see us as an equal. They chose us as a cook, cleaner, babysitter, a mother replacement for them, and a bonus mother for their kids, and of course a bedmate. I see it all very clearly now. It has been a difficult two years learning to value myself. But the end result has been worth the struggle. Facing my fears, standing up for and believing in myself has been life changing. After 61 years on this earth, I now see that I am a valuable person. I care about my family, my community, my fellow man. I am not judgemental, I am compassionate, I give. I am a decent hard working valuable member of society. I am everything my husband is not. He had to take that away, he was afraid of it, he could not, and he never will understand it. He is a narcissist. That is not his fault and that cannot be cured. But I, I have survived the narcissist. All his endeavours to tear me down, have ended in building me up, in changing me from an insecure little girl, into a strong, confident woman. Life with him will never be easy. But it will never destroy me again. I can stand on my own two feet, my husband cannot. He knows I know that. The balance of power has shifted from the hands of the narcissist, and lucky for him, that I am not the kind of person who would use my power for evil. Given his personality disorder our marriage will never be an equal partnership, it can never be what society would consider normal, but it does not have to be abusive, soul destroying and fearful. I will always have to stand up for myself and make him aware I expect to be respected. I will forever have to be vigilant. I will always have to respect myself and never tolerate any verbal or emotional abuse from him or anyone again. Hard as that is to maintain, it's not a bad thing. Accepting my role in life as the victim, as the give all, get nothing person. That was a bad thing, and that is what caused me to fall into this life in the first place.

Hey, I am a step daughter I am 18 and I see it in the perspective of myself as a daughter.
There is a bond between a father and daughter, and it is very upsetting when someone else has come in. Me and my step mum have a mutual hate for each other. Your step daughter is probably feeling isolated as her dad has made a new family. If you are looking to get her out over the holidays, I would be really offended that I am being kicked out of my home. I am moving out next year but my step mum went to look at the place im moving to without me to quicken up the process, where in face it is a decision between me and my boyfriend where we live. You wanting your SD to move out, will probably cause tension between the three of you. Don't try to parent your step daughter you will probably get yelled at by her or something, It doesnt work, stay out of that and leave it up to her father about these things.

Just a different perspective.

Lost-xx, I would like to reiterate what Freshstart said. For your sake and for the sake of your relationship with your father, look at your father as not just your father, but as an adult, as a man. As a grown man he has a right to a relationship, just as you his adult daughter does.

You say there is a bond between father and daughter and it is very upsetting when someone else comes in. You don't like, well in your own words you hate your step mother. You feel I imagine she has taken your place in your fathers affections. That bond you say is there, then presumably it would go two ways. How would you feel if your father hated your boyfriend because he took your affections away from him how would you feel always feeling caught in the middle between your father and your boyfriend. It would be an awful position to be in. I am sure you love both your father and your boyfriend, and would hate your father making you feel that you had to choose one over the other. But if your father forced your hand, you know what. If you truly loved your boyfriend, with a heavy heart, you would choose your boyfriend. If you are making your father feel caught in the middle then for your own sake, for the sake of moving on with your own life into a happy healthy relationship with your boyfriend, let go of the hate. It will destroy you.

The love a man and woman share is different than the love a father and daughter share. Having a boyfriend you would know that. Surely just because you love your boyfriend, it does not mean you no longer love your father, just as him having a wife does not mean he no longer loves you. We as parents, and one day you will know this for yourself, love our children and our partners equally, but differently. Not better, not stronger, not more precious, just differently, just as you love your boyfriend and your father equally but differently. But your life, your future is naturally with your boyfriend. Not with your father. You will go forth into the world and make your own family if not with this boyfriend, then another. Not with your father, just as your father is making a life with his wife. It does not diminish the love either one of you has for the other.

From what you wrote it sounds like you felt jealous of your fathers relationship, pushed out and replaced. If that's the case, you would have been full of resentment, your sm would know that, and lets be honest, would you want to live with someone who hates and resents you, not because you did anything to them, but just because they were jealous of you. I think not. If that is the root of the hate you and your step mother now feel for each other, then you have the power to change that. You can if you want to, have your boyfriend, your father and a friendly relationship with your sm which would make your life easier and your father happy. All you have to do is accept that you are all adults now, that you are still and always will be your fathers daughter, but as an adult, you are no longer daddy's little girl. That is exactly how it should be, and relate to your stepmother woman to woman, treat her respectfully as you should your fathers wife, and recognise she is not your competition for daddy. She is his wife, you are his daughter. These relationships are both important, different sure, but both very important.

If it is something else between you and her, well perhaps she is at fault, and nothing you do will change that. Only you know the truth. But if the power for change lies with you, then change it.

Lost, I too responded to you. For your sake listen. I tried for 8 years to get even just a civil relationship with my husbands adult daughter. One of the ones who thinks that as an adult with a family of her own she has been, still is, and always will be daddy's girl. Daddy's little princess.

She went too far, she pushed me and pushed me and pushed me till I broke. She wanted me out of her fathers life, she wanted daddy back. Well, this is how it ended up. She went too far, I banned her from my home and life forever, she will NEVER and I mean that, be in my life again. I had no wish to put her out of her fathers life, I have three children of my own, I would hate my husband if he tried to put even one of them out of my life. So I made the call to end the marriage. Anything was better than having this girl in my life. I told my husband how I felt, that she would never be in my life again, not even through him. I wanted out. You know what. My husband, this man who for the enter 8 years of the hell she put me through had said not one word to her, had in fact by his silence encouraged her, taught her he didn't have a problem with how she treated me, this man who had literally been backing her up for 8 years, to the point when she had her first child she was so sure she meant more to daddy than I ever could, gave him the ultimatum. If you want to see my baby you have to leave your wife. When I agreed with her and said she's right, she is never going to accept me and now I am never going to have anything to do with her ever again. This man, her father, HE DUMPED HER. He hasn't seen her or her child for 2 years. In fact he only saw that child once in the hospital.

I didn't stop him from seeing his daughter, I didn't come between him and his daughter, although she would vehemently say I did, it's all my fault. The truth is, it was all daddy's fault. He treated her as special all her life. No matter what she wanted she got it. He defended her when she was clearly in the wrong. He never allowed her to take responsibility for her actions. He always blamed someone else for his daughters wrong doings. Good example. She hit a parked car and drove off. Someone saw it and left a note on the car giving the owner her number plate. Know who's fault it was the police came to her door. Not hers for hitting a car and driving off, no, it was the fault of the sticky nose who took down her number plate. He trained his daughter to think the world was her oyster, she could do no wrong. Her behaviour towards me was simply due to the fact that she saw her father loved me and she was green with envy. She thanks to the way daddy brought her up, didn't know her place. She thought her place was as daddy's woman, not his daughter. The bigger problem, daddy didn't teach her any better, he set her up for disappointment, the dumped her when he was the one who disappointed her.

She does not have her father in her life at all now, her child does not have a grandfather all because daddy made her feel like number one in his life all her life till he met me and she had never developed the skills needed to deal with disappointments in life. She had always been given her own way and this time daddy wanted something for himself, ME. I think this situation often occurs in marriages where one or more partners are unhappy, the father develops a relationship with his daughter that is not normal, she becomes the mini wife because he is not happy with the wife he has, that being the case, he makes his daughter the special woman in his life.

Both my husband and his daughter broke up their relationship. I gave her and him 8 years worth of chances to stop the abuse, isolating me, humiliating me, insulting me in her passive aggressive manner, making me feel unwelcome in my own home, and my husband allowing it. When her ultimatum came, funnily enough that was the first time I agreed with her. I wanted out, I fully expected my husband to go with his daughter and was more than happy to let that be. But he didn't. She of course will think I didn't let him. But the truth is he now admits he saw all along how awful his daughter was, he says she has always been like that, he knows she will never change. The only thing he still won't admit to is HE RAISED HER TO BE THIS WAY. He was unhappy in his marriage, he gave all his love to his daughter and none to his wife, he treated his daughter better than he treated his wife. He never foresaw meeting and falling in love with someone and what impact that would have on his daughter. That is not my fault, it is not the fault of any second wife who finds herself through no fault of her own flat out at war with daddy's girl. It is the fault of the fathers who created them.

You don't have to go down this road. I tell you these things in the hope that you'll get it, and because no one cared enough about my husbands daughter to tell her, she still lives in the fantasy she is daddy's girl and I pushed her out. While she thinks like that she will always carry hate in her heart for me, that hate will prevent her from ever knowing true happiness, from developing an adult relationship with her father. This woman did not take your father or your place. Your father went of his own free will. You need to grasp that. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you he does, as a daughter, not as a wife, that should be enough for you because that is what you are, his daughter.