BM not following C/O
What can my s/o do about BM not following the CO agreement?
Their agreement goes as follows:
My s/o is the custodial parent of FSD and she lives with him. BM is to have FSD one day during the week and every other weekend. On the weekends FSD is to be with my s/o BM is to have FSD two days during the week. She is to inform him one week in advance of the days that she would like to take her daughter. The agreement also states that the receiving parent is to do the pick up. BM doesn't have a car or a license so this is problematic for that alone.
Their divorce was finalized the 23rd of last month but they've been separated for over two years. BM has a history of being flaky. After my s/o filed for divorce BM started to schedule regular time with FSD in an attempt to make it seem like she spends more time with FSD than she actually does because she wanted to be able to claim her for taxes and get CS for a child that does not live with her and that she doesn't see very often. It didn't work and it seems she has regressed back to her old flaky ways. Last week was the first start of the c/o and BM has not followed it at all. She didn't discuss THIS week with my s/o like she is supposed to and on top of it she said she wanted to take FSD but did not tell my s/o until Friday (the 2nd) in the middle of the afternoon. Drop off was 7:30pm and she stayed with her mother through Sunday and was dropped off at school by BMs boyfriend on Monday which is supposed to be s/o's day. Today is Thursday and BM has not contacted my s/o at all. Not even for this week, let alone next week. I know it hasn't been that long but since there's history I'd like to be prepared in the event that BM makes this a regular habit. What can my s/o do about this? I don't mean what can he do to make her follow the agreement because I know there's nothing to be done about that. I (and he) would like to know what he can do in general. This week is already over so if BM contacts him at some point today or tomorrow or during the weekend, is he allowed to say the week is over already if you want to see her you need to pick your day for next week? If she doesn't inform him a week in advance, what can he do about it?
If the CO states she is to
If the CO states she is to inform him a week in advance and she doesn't, he can do what he wants; let her see the kid or not. So, yeah, he can tell her no. Eventually, she will figure out that she needs to follow the CO if she wants her daughter those days.
^^^^Exactly!!^^^^^ She may
^^^^Exactly!!^^^^^
She may threaten with the cops or taking you back to court but she won't have a leg to stand on once you SO shows the CO to the cops and the judge will laugh her out the courtroom with your documentation. If you do go back to court I would strongly urge SO to get set days during the week. Also, be aware she may still try to claim her child on her taxes. If SO does his taxes and they get rejected all he has to do is have to CO to send to the IRS and they will deal with BM.
Thanks you guys. All of your
Thanks you guys. All of your advice is pretty much what I figured and def. what I would do if it were me. Unfortunately, He refuses to communicate with her via email. I actually posted not too long ago about a fight we got into because I suggested it. He doesn't want to do email because she doesn't have an email address. When I say all she has to do is get one, he says she doesn't have a computer and she doesn't have internet. When I say that her boyfriend has both he just says that he's going to communicate with her via text and that's good enough. He's also keeping a calendar. So because of the fight I decided not to offer my opinion or any advise unless he specifically asks for it. He protests my decision and claims he wants me to feel free to share my advice and opinions. I'm not falling for it and rightfully so because I've told him what you guys said at 9:30am. It is now 12pm and he hasn't responded to it. He called me a few minutes ago but it was to say "hi" and sorry he didn't call on my lunch break. Nothing about what I had said regarding this issue. I don't want to start another fight by asking him why he blew off the information. I'm just going to assume that even though he now has the knowledge that he CAN do something about BM being flaky, that's he's simply not going to. Maybe he doesn't care as much about it as he let's on. It bothers the s**t out of me but what can I do? It's out of my hands and I almost regret coming and asking for advice in the first place. All I've done is upset myself because he is ignoring the information that I went out of my way to get for him. So I guess I made the right decision when I decided to disengage.
Never mind. He responded. He
Never mind. He responded. He said, "That's really good advice thank you for asking the forum". That's it and I'm not going to say anything else. The information has been delivered and it's up to him to use it.
I am a little worried about
I am a little worried about him being held in contempt of court. I don't think she'll do this though. I don't think that my s/o will deny her very often. She doesn't have a car or a license so being flexible when she doesn't tell him in advance is not really fair to him. I think if she wants to see her daughter and her boyfriend is around to drive then I don't think last minute visits should be a problem but if she calls and expects my s/o to do the dropping off then I hope he'd say no.
Sounds like this is resolved;
Sounds like this is resolved; however, I'd like to add my 2 cents:
Texts are fine, just document them in some fashion (screen shots, print them, whatever).
Find out what it takes to file contempts in your county. Our old county (state) required that the attorneys attempted to resolve the situation prior to going to court. If the behavior continued you might send another letter or two, or, file a petition.
I will tell you, going this route is frustrating because it's going to take a couple times before the court actually does something. But even a lazy, pro-mom judge is going to get sick of it at some point. (Heads up, judges don't like making the hard decisions).
But ...
You already have custody and mom has very limited time. So, what are they going to punish her with? Even less time?
Sounds to me that the court anticipated this situation by giving her a cutoff. If it were me, I would give a warning first, have his attorney send a letter to her attorney (or 2) and then stop accommodating requests that are well past the deadline.
The court will hold dad to a higher standard than mom because 1) he's normal, and, 2) he's a father with custody. Tread carefully and always err on the side of being reasonable.
This is really good info.
This is really good info. I'll probably just print this page out for him to read. All of you guys gave really good advice and he was actually susceptible this time. He likes the idea that he's able to say no to her but I don't want him to get in trouble. She called him last Sunday (she had FSD) and was saying that she had bronchitis. She might be telling the truth but I think she was calling to set up an excuse to be MIA this week. She's done it before. She called one week before she was supposed to take the baby and said she was in the hospital. Guess what? She was MIA that weekend and my s/o called her a few days later to see if she wanted to see FSD she said she couldn't because she was in Vegas. So I highly doubt there's anything wrong with her at all. I hate that she can be like this and HE can get in trouble for not going out of his way to make sure she sees her own kid.
I wouldn't advise him to
I wouldn't advise him to phone her.
Does BM have a drug problem or some other addiction problem?
Documenting is a total pain in the arse, but when things get bad, it's good to have it available. We are in court about every year with dh's ex.
I have to ask, how much time do you really want this woman to be with the kid? She can't be a good influence on the child.
She doesn't have a drug
She doesn't have a drug problem. When it comes to her adult relationships (with my s/o anyway) she's a liar and opportunistic. Meaning, if my s/o gives an inch she runs a mile. When it comes to her relationship with her daughter she's touch and go. Very unreliable. I don't really understand why she doesn't try to be more involved in FSD's life. I just have to chalk it up to selfishness. Other than that, she doesn't seem to be a bad influence on FSD. She's spoiled but a lot of that is my s/o's fault. I don't know what goes on at her mom's house so I cant really say that she's feeding into the spoiling. Plus she doesn't spend enough time with her mother for the parenting she experiences there to have a bearing on how she is.
If mom doesn't want more
If mom doesn't want more time, I don't think I would make her. Mom is just going to be resentful and your sd will pick up on that.
You're just beginning and I'm
You're just beginning and I'm completely on the other end, but I think you need a set day and time every week period. evenutally your skid will want a real schedule they can count on. and you deserve that too!