Initially I spent time with my skids and somewhat enjoyed it. For me it was important. I wanted to get to know them and I wanted them to get to know me. In my head, if I was going to be with their father I was going to be around them.

FOr us though things changed once DH and I got engaged and bought a house and the skids showed their true colors and started acting like jerks. So then I stopped spending time with them. But I had at least made an effort.

I have a BS8 and since DH moved in with us, to me it was important that he spent some time with my son. I was not going to have a man in the house who was going to ignore my son. Because #1 I dont want my son growing to think that is how it is. My son should grow up in a loving envirnoment. And if DH can't do that, then we weren't going to be together. As well, if DH didnt somewhat enjoy being around BS, then our relationship was never going to work. Because again, I wouldnt subject my son to someone who didnt even want to be around him.

If your SO has a child and is involved in that child's life, then that child will be in your life somehow. Especially if you guys move in together or get married. You do have to make sacrfrices for the person you love.

I think any child can sense if anothe adult "parent figure" is in the house and doesn't like them or want to spend time with them. I think that would hurt any normal child.

Take them to the track with you, give them 20 laps and 20 stairs. Spending time means doing things that you love with the ones you love. I take them to the gym all the time because that is what I think is important in my life. My bios are game, my skids not always, so I lay out the schedule ahead of time, and THEY work around MY schedule, not the other way around. This is what kills me, the bio parents think I am their replacement, when all I should be is the fun supernanny, not their main parent! My husband does not spend time with my bios, if they want to help him on the farm, he loves the company, but my DH DOESN"T EVEN BABYSIT MY BIOS- they have a MOTHER AND A FATHER and that is what SHARED CUSTODY IS FOR!!! If the prent dies, whole different story, but until then, they come to spend the time with ME, not with some other person. They're gonna hate you anyways haha just kidding

I personally don't do anything for or with my DH's S12. I am ok with that and so is my DH. My DH never asks or expects anything from/of me regarding his kid, obviously as long as I am not beating the kid he doesn't really mind how I feel towards/about him and that I am not one bit active or take an interest in his life. Just how it should be, imho.

Your BF should respect your feelings and that IF you want to take an active part in his kids life then YOU will on YOUR time. For an SO to ask or expect their SO to love or spend time with their kids if that is not something they want to do is selfish and insensitive imho. Things need to and should happen on YOUR time clock not because that is what someone expects of/from you, and if you never want to play Mary Poppins to his kids then so be it that is YOUR CHOICE and if he doesn't like it then he can be on his merry way, otherwise he needs to accept you for who you are and how you feel and as long as you aren't beating his kids or treating them like shit then he should accept that or walk. Do what YOU feel is best and right for YOU!

They're more likely to grow up to hate you if they feel they were forced to spend time with you or were forced to spend time with someone who obviously didn't want to spend time with them.

For me, personally, it's best to spend as little time as possible around SS as my resentments toward him become worse each time. And even though I get that he has a crap mom, and a permissive Disney dad and grandma, I cannot keep from getting upset when he harms my children, harms other children, and/or generally makes an ass of himself. So I stay away; frankly, I feel everyone, including SS, is better off that way.

I have spent time alone with my step sons from the time they were little boys and I watched them when I was on maternity leave with their little brother to now. BUT I have always had a relation ship with them. Trust me I have endured as they were small children hearing that how I did things was different then their mom and all the other fun stuff.But I have always loved them and they are pretty good kids. Now as they are teens when they are with us I try and make sure they have man time with their dad. When Iput their 6 year old brother to bed, I ususally stay up stairs and do my own thing.I think kids need that one on one time with their parent. Plus it gives me a break from their dad.

:jawdrop: In my opinion only - I find that attitude really selfish.
"My attitude is that I will quit them before I quit my dreams and my only responsibility is to my bio son."
Why do your dreams have to exclude everyone else except your bio son? Sounds like even he is only along for the ride because he has no choice.
Dreams are about including the people in your life and all going on that journey together. What good is a stellar track and field career if the man you love isn't there to support and hold you at the end?
If you are in a committed relationship with this man then I am afraid i agree with him - you aren't putting him in a top spot in your life --- he ranks a fair bit lower and I don't know - that's not committed to me.
Just quit them now and let everyone get on with their life.

I spend ZERO time with DHs' creature....and with good reason...and I am perfectly fine with that....don't like that I said that?....too bad......the end......

Listen, I know where you are coming from. When DH and I started dating, I was just starting out in my career and was working on my Master's degree. I had very little time for him, and practically no time for skid. Not only that, but I really don't like kids so I didn't want to spend what little free time I had with a kid. Bottom line.

I was very focused on myself because I had goals and things I wanted to accomplish and I didn't want anyone or anything to get in the way of that.

Anyway, fast forward 4 years. We are married and SD and I have a decent relationship. Don't get me wrong, I still am much happier when she is at her mother's, but I guess I am just used to having her around now.

DH is always trying to get us to do things together- asking me to take her shopping, let her help me cook dinner, decorate the Christmas tree together.. anything and everything. It gets irritating. I enjoy doing things alone or with just DH and me. I understand SD is part of his life, but she doesn't always have to be involved in every little day to day thing that I do.

So I understand what you mean about the skid. The only thing that I have to disagree with you on is when you say your only responsiility is to yourself & your bio - that may be the case now while you are dating, but do you plan to marry this man? If so, you WILL have a responsibility to him as your husband. That's something you may want to think about.

I do my thing and if the kids or skids want to join me or just hang out, they are welcome to. I announce my daily schedule ahead of time and anyone is welcome to join me. The annoying thing is when I have to do things I do not agree with- like take a delinquent teen shopping or shlepp her around to other delinquent friends' houses when she really should be at home contemplating her delinquencies and doing chores to get out of the rut she dug herself into. So, I pretty much take them to the gym to work out, lunch and back home, we spend time in the living rooms, doing homework, reading, music, chores, movies. The ONLY thing I do different with my own kids is I snuggle my own kids, we are very affectionate toward each other. I don't feel right touching the skids, maybe just a pat on the forehead or a hug if they are hurt or crying, but other than that, I am not physically affectionate with them like I am with my own (and no, it's 0% sexual intimacy, it's just pure love and affection, kisses on the cheek, sitting hugging and watching a show or reading, foot massages and such). There is way too much pressure on parents nowadays to "spend time" with kids- growing up, we ate dinner somewhat together or in shifts, we went to the gym with a parent, worked out, rode our bikes home alone and spent the rest of the evening by ourselves in our own room doing homework, mixing music, dreaming about boys. I can't imagine going to my parents to "spend time"... Nowadays, kids think we are their buddies and if we don;t hold their hand all the time, we are "mean" parents- you have 4 siblings- find one to play something with...SMH

He is being honest with you about his expectations. He is interested in being with someone who is going to take on an active maternal role in his children's lives. You are being honest with him about your expectations. Your career is very important to you, and your life is perfectly complete without acting as a mother figure to his children.

Now is the time for the two of you to decide if these issues are a deal breaker in the relationship. On the bright side, you are both at an advantage, because neither one of you has entered this situation under false pretenses. Many people would pretend to be something they are not, or pretend they accept the person for who they are, when they are really hoping in time that person will change.

If you are not nasty or hateful to them when you do see them, why would they hate you just because you don't spend more time with them? You are not their mother.

If anything, I think your BF's attitude about it can cause them to resent you more than your lack of bonding with them.

If he is looking for someone to be more involved and cannot accept the situation as it is, it's best that you know that now.

I think parents today are made to feel guilty for not investing 100% of their time and energy in their kids, at every possible opportunity, and this transfers to step-parents (especially SM's), too. It's ridiculous in my opinion. My parents certainly didn't worry about the amount of time they spent playing with me. My brother and I were left to our own devices a lot because both of our parents worked and didn't have the time, energy, or inclination to sit on the floor and play Tiddlywinks with us. I always knew I was loved and wanted, and I didn't need Mommy and Daddy to devote their entire lives to my happiness to prove it!

My DH says fairly often that I don't spend enough time playing with his boys (ages 9, 8, and 7). It's true that I don't play with them. They sit in the den and play Minecraft for hours on end, and spend pretty much the rest of their time complaining about being bored and/or hungry. Honestly, there's not much fun to be had around them 99% of the time.

I pointed out to my DH that HE doesn't spend much time playing with them, either. He and I usually end up spending the majority of our weekends doing work around the house and catching up on stuff we couldn't get done during the week because we both work full-time.

I also pointed out the fact that I have my own two kids in the house 24/7 (their father has basically checked out and isn't around anymore), and that to me, THEIR needs come first. If I have some free time on the weekends or a weeknight, I'm much more likely to hang out and do stuff with my own kids than I am to sit in the den watching his kids play a game I don't even understand. They don't even notice when I DO try to sit in there with them. They couldn't care less whether I'm in there or not, so I don't even bother anymore. I have better things to do with my time.

My kids don't have another bio-parent to go stay with every other week. I'm basically their ONLY parent, and if I don't show them some love and attention, nobody will. There's a huge difference between my kids and his, and sometimes DH seems to forget that.