attitude *vent*
SD3 has a horrible attitude/manners. I understand that she is only 3 and manners will come with time and constant reminding, but its just the attitude FDH and I get that really rub me the wrong way.
Last night I ask her what shes doing and she tells me 'don't worry about it... You don't need to know.' I put her in time out then and there, and explained to her she can't talk to grown ups like that. FDH said I was too hard on her... To which my reply was ' so if DD said that to YOU, you would just let her go scotch free?' His reply 'well no, I'd probably whap her on the butt for talking to me like that.' Me:'so how is this any different?' FDH: 'to be honest I think we need to just sit back a little bit with SD, I mean we have no idea how she is treated when she's with BM.'
I was so pissed I just ended the conversation... I mean are you EEFING kidding me!?! Because BM tramped around while you two were married and you got divorced SD should be able to speak to ADULTS with NO respect? And because DDs have only one home they should be held accountable for their actions, but not poor SD. She has it so rough having to homes... Bullshit!
I just don't understand FDH's thought process I guess.
His reply 'well no, I'd
His reply 'well no, I'd probably whap her on the butt for talking to me like that.' Me:'so how is this any different?' FDH: 'to be honest I think we need to just sit back a little bit with SD, I mean we have no idea how she is treated when she's with BM.'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
:jawdrop:
Your DH is an idiot. This will go very bad, very quick if he keeps this up.
Sure let the BM raise the
Sure let the BM raise the daughter in her image ~ wait and see great idea !!!
He has some serious HUA ~ Head Up Ass !!!
Respect isn't a short lesson to learn not teach. It's completely repetitive ~ over n over.
Soon she'll be telling her Dad off ~ I see this working out well for you ( insert ginormous sarcasm )
You did the right thing.
You did the right thing. When she sits in time out, sit with her. She got the smart mouth from BM I tell you that now! It took many months for me reminding all the kids that negative talk is just as bad and disruptive as negative actions of violence or otherwise, and they are so cute now when they start with "My... never mind"- What "Never mind. It wasn't something nice" haha So cute!
Three years old and she's
Three years old and she's talking to adults like that? Not in my house, to me or to my DH.
Makes no difference how she's treated when she's with BM. I am not even sure what he meant by that. :?
Sure, just sit back and let SD be the boss.
It could be that BM talks to
It could be that BM talks to her like that. Regardless, she needs to learn that you don't talk to people that way.
don't worry about it... You
don't worry about it... You don't need to know.'
that is Definitely a line straight from her mother's mouth!
No 3 year old talks like that.
But my guess is that is what her mother says to her.
When I was just learning to talk my dad would always say "you little shit" when I destroyed something...
Well guess what? I called a kid at preschool 'a little shit' when he knocked over the koolaid.
Kids are parrots. In my opinion she is repeating what her mom has said to her not necessarily what her mom has Coached her to say to you. Her mother is rude to her so she thinks that is acceptable behavior.
I do agree that you have a long road ahead of you.
I highly recommend you watch
I highly recommend you watch "Convos with my 2-year old" They're in season 2 now, convos with my 3-year old. What you described greatly reminds me of this one in particular:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_0WE0uGWkc
While I'm all for standing your ground, and teaching her what is appropriate, I wouldn't take it too much to heart...they just come up with weird things to say. For example, while in the tub, a little 3-year old tells her father "Don't look at me right now. I need to play with myself." He responds "You mean, play BY yourself?" She responds "No." You'll have to watch them to understand how goofy it all really is. She's strong willed, and has to have her way. It's just the 3 year old curse.
As far as FDH's response, it's pretty typical. Not that I am happy with it, but just letting you know...my DH has full out admitted he spoils both SS' because he feels guilty about the garbage with their mom....almost 100% caused by her, they have 50/50 custody because he wanted to be nice to her, and thought that was best for them at the time. In the meantime, both skids wound up in therapy, and we've spent much college savings on legal bills with alienation and agreeing on schools etc. It's extremely frustrating. Advice? Explain your frustration. Keep everything open between you. It doesn't necessarily need to instigate a fight, but it's also unrealistic for him to spoil his daughter, and expect you not to find it annoying, especially when it appears itself as favoritism among the kids. I wholeheartedly understand where you're coming from, and it's an ongoing battle between me and DH as well. Family therapists, steptalk.org and open communication is what I found works best. Good luck! Let me know how it's going, cuz like I said, I think I'm at the same point you are with DH.
FDH told me we need to talk
FDH told me we need to talk because he's frustrated with my parenting style. So I'm sure I'll be posting another forum later tonight. Lol
Good luck!!
Good luck!!
How does he handle the smart
How does he handle the smart mouth when she speaks to him in that manner?
If he gets on her for disrespecting him but not you, then you have a major problem brewing.
He usually just tells her
He usually just tells her that she needs to talk nicely to him... And thats it. It just really irks me that FDH feels like he needs spare SD from ANY kind of discipline. He would rather try to rashenelize with her... I have tried to tell him shes 3 and doesn't understand, she doesn't have the Rashenel part of her brain yet... Its just really frustrating for me.
When I try to voice my frustration about our (his) parenting he tells me I need to just drop it cause I'm too difficult to talk to. Which just pisses me off more.
How am I suppose to communicate with FDH if he's not willing to hear me out? I mean its not like I'm looking to fight with him about it, I just want to talk.
Either I'm too difficult to talk to or I'm too 'hard' on SD. which if FDH would just listen to me he would know that the punishment fits the age... Our eldest DD is 1 nearly 2, so of course I'm not gonna spank her, she doesn't understand. And time outs seem to work wonders for bad behavior with DD. (And its not like I spank SD)
FDH and I do go to counseling, for other things than parenting, we figure we should get our shit worked out BEFORE we get married. And he seems much easier to talk to when we're with our counselor... I just hope some day he'll realize that I'm trying to raise adults who will contribute to society, not drain it.
Counselor is a wonderful
Counselor is a wonderful idea. I think reflective listening would be really helpful for you guys. Because the way I would handle a three-year-old is: Explain, Warn, Punish, follow through, repeat as needed. I always make sure whoever put the child in time-out is the one to get them out, and have the child explain what they did wrong, apologize for it and be hugged and forgiven. The consistency of this approach between both me and my DH has made his relationship with my kids wonderful. They completely respect him as a father, and listen to us equally.
But everyone has their own style. What's difficult about skids, is you never got a chance to talk about how to raise them in the 9 months leading up to their birth. They are going to be raised differently than your kids that live with you. But, you and DH have to have an understanding, because if your 3-year-old catches wind that there's a disconnect, she will milk it for all it's worth.
I told DH how I want my kids handled when they misbehave, and that's what he does. And they are better off for it. Clear boundaries were set. DH was more vague with me, and things are difficult with his kids. He fluctuates between "I was too hard on them, not understanding of their position enough", and "you are wonderful at knowing just what to do". It's gotten so bad, that all discipline on them has to come from him, because I've been villainized so badly by their mother and step-father that if I even look at them while they are doing something wrong, they break down crying and storm out of the room. I'm playing Disney mom to them now, and things are much better, but still tricky when I watch them after school before he gets home.
Someone should have written a user's manual for blended families. It's really a work in progress.
Sounds to me as if your DH
Sounds to me as if your DH had a hopefully temporary disconnect between his mouth and his brain. Maybe next time you should speak really slow and keep repeating your pointed message until he can clearly give you an answer that indicates that he has engaged his brain.
Just Wow! :jawdrop: