Husband and bio mom relationship. Appropriate?
Hi there, I have two stepdaughters, and one baby with my husband. Things aren't great with my stepdaughters bio mom, but I give an honest effort every second of the day.
My issue isn't with the bio mom however.
I'm wondering as the stepmom, what sort of relationship is ok regarding my husband and the ex. I know they have monthly meetings, and call or text several times a day.. But my husband insists these text messages are private, and only talks to her on the phone when I'm not there. It bothers me a lot that their relationship is private. I know they share children, but I'm sharing those same children with my husband, and don't understand what needs to be private.
Any insight on what's normal regarding the "private" relationship between bio parents not together ?
They need to make final
They need to make final decisions on education and medical issues, extracurricular issues and living arrangements. That's it. You should absolutely be kept in the loop on their discussions, though.
Explain that you feel since
Explain that you feel since you are his wife, and Stepmother to their children, you feel you should be included.
My husband talks to his ex-wife maybe twice a month. He fills me in on everything, if I'm not around, I can inquire for more information if I feel I need to.
I don't know why they would need to have private conversations, and him not show you. Honestly, that is a little strange.
How old are the kids?
The girls are 6 and 9. the
The girls are 6 and 9.
the other day I just put my foot down and told my husband I wanted to see the text message thread he has with his ex. He looked through it first to review what It said and by the time he showed it to me, he had deleted some texts because what I got to read didn't even make sense. There were chunks of the convo missing. So he makes me feel like it's not my right to know what they talk about.
If I had to guess, the mom was saying rude things about me, and husband was trying to cover it up, but who knows.
Not trying to feed your
Not trying to feed your worries but here are MY thoughts.
You only delete texts because you have something to hide. It would be obvious as you said, when text get deleted because the conversation wouldn't make sense. He should have had to review anything.
If they seemed to be only HER missing texts, that could be it. Does she usually bad mouth you? Did his texts seem like he was defending something? Instead of deleting them he should have just told you.
Is it ALL the time they text? It seems strange
Yes, it's all the time they
Yes, it's all the time they text. 10-30 texts a day on the days we have them which is 50/50.
She does bad mouth me quite a bit.
But my husband doesn't really care about that. The less controversy the better, so he ignores her little attacks on me.
I guess that's another question.. Do you really need to text all the time, and call all the time, is this standard practice in a shared custody arrangement? Last night My husband was texting his ex because one of the girls had a tummy ache and couldn't sleep at 4 am. And he texts his ex to tell her this! And she was texting him back at 4 am!
Well, my husband has 3
Well, my husband has 3 daughters, and if one is sick, its not a text message...its a phone call. If it's of any importance (that would require a text at 4 a.m.) it would/should be a phone call. Some wont answer at text, esp at that time in the morning. A phone call however is a yes or no response (yes= they answer no=they dont answer)
With shared custody, if one parent was really worried about the child. There would call to speak to the child their self. Maybe a text here or there to make sure the kid is free to talk (you might be having dinner, close to bed time) but since she openly bad mouths you I'm sure she would not care if she interrupts the schedule.
What does she say about you? It's the jealousy bad talk?
Also- he should not be allowing the bad talk on you. If my Stepkids birth mother even says my name with attitude, my husband be tells her to show some respect and hangs up without another word. Because I do not bad talk her, or her husband, to them.
I might not be 100% involved with their conversations but I know if I want to be I can.
This smells strange.
She has said a handful of
She has said a handful of things. The girls came home and said that their mom doesn't like me, then later that I was fat. Calls me a tramp, lol. Just nonsense stuff. I really don't think the issue is with my husband. It's the fact that the girls love me so much and she seems a little insecure.
I doubt I can convince my husband to stop the bad mouthing. He thinks she will go crazy if he stands up to her and worries about the girls. And he literally has NO idea how to fix that. Me neither.
Thanks for the input.
This sounds mean but I'm
This sounds mean but I'm saying this for your sake.
Tell your husband, to grow some Balls. She talks like that to HER children because she knows it will get back to you. Tell your husband to stand up for you. You two are married, to insult one is to insult the other. You two are one, a team, a marriage. You wouldnt let someone say those things to you about him, so why does she get a pass.
A little more than insecure I think. It's one thing to talk trash to your husband about you but a whole new level when she brings in the kids.
I promise you, It will only get worse. When the girls grow up and become preteens, they all mutate, LOL. They will say things to hurt you and it will be the words of their mother.
Either confront the coward head on or tell your husband you will not allow him to be pussywhipped by his ex.
Also put your foot down wanting to be involved, those
(in a way) are your kids too and they love you, so YES you should be involved. Dont allow yourself to be left out just because his Ex- is jealous you have a family and she does not.
Ha, step-devil thanks for
Ha, step-devil thanks for your response, I've told my husband before to stop letting her talk bad about me, so he didn't answer the phone for 2 hours..... She called the police and they came over. She told the police she thought we might be abusing the girls.. Obviously nothing came out of this, but that's what kind of crazy we are dealing with.
I probably should have said that in the beginning. That is the reason my husband is the way he is with her (so he says). I'm just getting sick of it!
And I can not wait until they are teens (sarcasm).
Haha no problem. Well,
Haha no problem.
Well, claiming false allegations of child abuse is also against the law, if she wants to play that game also, defamation of character as well as slander . It would be better if he kept all the trash texts on file. Trust me when I say it will get worse.
His constant texts and replies to her only fuel her fire. Explain to him, if it isnt about the girls, there is no need to talk. If it's important, call. Tell him (if it's a non-emergency) only talk to her reasonable hours. Keep the conversation strictly on topic of the girls. Have him explain that if she gets so insecure that she feels the need to insult you, then don't waste your time.
If she continues to play police caller, the police will keep a record of every time they show up. Explain to the police the situation and show them the awesome text messages.
But more importantly, let him know it is causing worry and anger within you. He is allowing you to be disrespected and that is far from okay. If she wants to call the police and claim false allegations, it WILL bite her in the ass.
It's kinda like giving a child who acts up attention, they will continue to do it. She gets lonely so she uses the kids as an excuse to feel wanted and important.
Oh yes, Teens are so much fun! It's as fun as gnawing your right foot off.
"10-30 texts a day" I'd be
"10-30 texts a day"
I'd be highly suspicious that they are in a relationship or doing something inappropriate. I'd get something like this which supposedly can look up deleted texts too
http://www.brickhousesecurity.com/product/brickhouse+iphone+spy+stick.do...
or a stealthware app for phone. http://www.stealthgenie.com/
I'm not into spying but I'm also not into wasting my time. You need to know what you're dealing with. Especially with high stakes like a marriage.
I only married my DH with adult steps. Still, he and his ex had concerns about his daughter when she lived with us. My DH can't stand talking to ex and I hear about every conversation they have (less than 1 a yr now). 30 a day is really suspicious. Right before we got married the ex (after finding out about me) started frantically texting DH about problems with SD. These problems had existed for quite awhile before that. I suspected she was using the problems as an excuse to get back together with ex because she didn't think he'd move on so fast. We were married shortly after that and she never did this again. She is very respectful of our marriage and wouldn't text him unless necessary.
Why would anyone need to text 10-30/day? I never text my DH about our child near that much.
I think your DH is betraying you by even talking to her that much, esp when she talks about you the way she does. Deleting texts? Hard to believe there's nothing going on.. flirtation or otherwise.
It doesn't sound right to me.
It doesn't sound right to me. But let's pretend he has a great reason for texting her 30 times a day. There is no reason to be deleting texts and keeping phone calls private. Unless
He wants to hide something from you.
Do you even text your DH that
Do you even text your DH that much? I don't. If the ex was that up his butt I would be all up in his phone when he was asleep. I have never snooped before but with what you are saying, I would surly start.
This isn’t normal behavior
This isn’t normal behavior nor is it fair to you. Here are my thoughts:
1. He still has feeling for his ex and can’t let go.
2. He is over compensating for the guilt he feels over the divorce.
3. The BM has him so whipped that he fears her.
4. He still hasn’t accepted you as an equal partner in your marriage.
If my husband had a private
If my husband had a private relationship with his ex, he wouldn't be having any relationship with me.
Even when my SD was young, my husband and BM did not talk several times a day or even everyday.
I never thought about this
I never thought about this before, but I would say my DH's "relationship" is private with BM. I have no idea how frequently she texts him (unless it's in the middle of the night which has happened a few times), nor do I know how frequently they email or talk on the phone. That said, I know that DH really does not like her very much. He occasionally shares tidbits of emails, texts, or conversations with me, and it does appear she over-shares for their relationship. She has gone on and on about the house she was looking to buy and why and about her health and about her fears for SD22 moving (yes, she "worries" about the impact of THEIR move on her adult daughter!)
When SD was younger, they did not contact each other every day. I think the older SD got, the less DH would respond to BM's voicemails, and either respond in text or not at all. He's very good at ignoring things. SD would then get involved. DH ALWAYS calls SD back if he misses a call from her. So for me, I think I feel their relationship is sufficiently distant, so I don't care that he keeps it private or not.
I really don't think the
I really don't think the issue is with my husband
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
:jawdrop: Ok...you are one of those that is going to blame the BM no matter what. But I am going to tell you something that you will not believe....THIS IS ALL A DH ISSUE!!! GAH!
And something else...I would bet A LOT of money that he still has a VERY personal relationship with BM. And yes...it is probably physical! Why would you marry someone who was still in love with another woman?
**applause** yes. this. what
**applause**
yes. this. what she said.
it should ALWAYS be open. different story if you CHOOSE to disengage and dont want to hear about it. but that's your prerogative as THE WIFE.
Only people who want to hide
Only people who want to hide something will do things like this.
You can't give your heart completely to someone you cannot trust.
I don't like texting between
I don't like texting between DH and BM. I also don't think anything is private where a wife is concerned.
If it's your husband's business, it's your business too, I don't care if it's about skids, work, family, whatever. His business IS your business & BM can just deal.
I don't trust BM as far as I can throw her & I would not be comfortable at ALL with my DH having private conversations with her.
Ex and I get along well, and
Ex and I get along well, and talk every couple days about our kids, we even get into friendly anecdotes once in a while. The difference? I would NEVER EVER EVER exclude my DH from any conversation that goes on between me and my ex. In fact most conversations I have with my ex, I run by DH to make sure I'm not being overly controlling, and rational. I don't care whether he hears my conversations or not. When DH and I first moved in together, I was slightly uncomfortable with him hearing fights between me and the ex, but I certainly didn't keep them from him.
I seem to remember a situation when DH was texting non stop, in the middle of the night, and at the dinner table, where I felt like the mother of a teenager, asking to leave electronics away from the dinner table. You know how we handled it? WE GOT DIVORCED because he was sleeping with the woman he was texting that often, and keeping online conversations and emails private. That was my ex. It's SUPER not okay, not to make you feel like you aren't the number one most important person in his life. That is what marriage is, because step-kids or not, at the end of the next few decades, YOU are the one he's supposed to spend the rest of his life with. You are the one he should be communicating with, making sure you are comfortable with every situation, not his ex.
DH and I are both well versed in being cheated on by our exes, and we will never keep secrets beyond surprise presents from each other. Secrets are the worst, most blatant sign of infidelity, and a problem with the marriage. How can you create good intimacy if he is clearly nurturing the relationship with his ex, that he excludes you from? That's allowing someone to come between you in your marriage, whether there are shenanigans or not, and is not okay. :jawdrop:
And furthermore.. if he is
And furthermore.. if he is keeping secrets from you, how in the hell is it that you know about the badmouthing???? That's okay to tell you, but there are worse things? I would be worried. Basically he's "on your side" all the while stringing his ex along for the ride. He sounds narcissistic, like he needs to be the center of attention here. I wouldn't put up with that in ANY situation.
This would be a hill I would
This would be a hill I would die on. Ex spouses do not need to have private conversations. Period. He had to review and delete texts before handing the phone over?! I wouldn't even need to see the texts at that point. Obviously something is being hidden from you, his wife. I assume you can put on your big girl panties and deal with reading not so nice texts about you from the BM, so why would those need to be erased? DH does not share every text, email, or convo between himself and BM because my anxiety goes through the roof. However, if I ask about something, I get an honest answer. He shows me texts and emails when needed or I ask. If he told me those convos were private, especially if they were communicating 20-30 times a day, there would be no marriage. I'd be gone. I'm not going to play second string to anyone, especially not BM. There are some serious issues here.
dang! I agree with the
dang! I agree with the other's here. This is highly suspicious. It sounds like there is something going on between your DH and BM.
Seriously, what do you think is going on? How do you explain this to yourself? There is absolutely no reason for the excessive texting and communication, but much, much worse is the secrecy.
some women are nasty, nasty and get great pleasure from having a "secret" with another woman's husband, especially if she hates you or is jealous that he is with you. What a better way to "stick" it to you than to have a secret friendship with him or even an affair....
I think they're sleeping together.