Feeling conflicted
Hey all,
Hope your day is going well and if it isn't, hope it ends well 
Haven't been on here for a while because things have been good at home lately, Praise the Lord.
DH has been stepping up and treating me like his...WIFE! So things can change and men do grow up 
My "disengagement" with SD has been off and on. I've eased up a bit with her since she's been trying to get back my attention and approval? I don't know what drives her most of the time. She misses the attention i'm sure.
I've still been pretty guarded with her, limiting my interaction so that she doesn't try to take advantage of me or disrespect me again.
It's been working especially since it's helping create my personal space and she knows where to limit it. If you read my previous posts, she was driving me up to wall with her intrusive personality and annoying habits. I can finally stand to be in the same room as her now.
My dilemma is this gnawing feeling inside me that feels bad for her. Biomom is hundreds of miles away with no more than occasional phone calls. DH is pretty attentive towards SD and I help DH with basic things like backing him up in disciplinary issues, making sure she has 3 square meals, encouraging her in making friends and the like.
But I can't bring myself to be her "mother." I know what you're thinking. I'm not her mother! But this is where my inner conflict comes in. This kid has no mother in her life. She's still young (elementary school). Am I a female role model in her life? Maybe. Depends how she sees me or wishes to see me in the future.
But still, the fact remains that she has no mom. Do I call her out when I see her doing something wrong? Sure. I hold her hand while crossing the street. I make sure she's covered well before heading out in the cold. All those common sense things, you'd do for any kid you saw regularly are taken care of. I remind her to do her hw.
But do I check her hw? Nope. Don't feel like wasting my time anymore. Do I give her a hug and kiss goodnight? Nope. Do I care of she watches 4 hours of tv each day? Nope. Could care less.
Does that make me a bad stepmom? Everyone's definition of stepmom is different. For the past few months, i've been trying to find my sanity after years of neglecting my own happiness. But in the process of finding peace, I fear this child has been neglected emotionally. SD like any other kid deserves heart to hearts with a mother. She deserves a person who helps her with her HW. Someone who can talk birds and bees when the time is right. Sure her dad can do it. To be honest, there are things some guys aren't the best equipped for and while DH is a loving father, he can't be there for her like a mother can.
So here is where my conflict comes in. I care enough for her to feel conflicted and even guilty. But I know where the road to too much involvement leads. I don't want to get emotionally entangled again in the craziness. I like my sanity. I don't like leaving SD alone without any motherly figure in her life. I don't know. Should I just give into the guilt because it's my conscious telling me something? Like i'm letting my own values down by not guiding this child? AHHH I hate feeling like this.
Does anyone understand what i'm going through or do I sound like a crazy person?
No you don't sound like a
No you don't sound like a crazy person, your sound like a CARING person. I remember when you disengaged- it was rough there for you. Maybe some way you could see yourself as an aunt of some sort? Another adult that wants her to be the best she can be, without all the thankless work being dumped on you. Maybe it's time you re-engage, but not like it was before. I hope I'm being at least semi- clear! Do you get what I'm saying? Even tho BM isn't in the picture, you don't have to step into the MOM role, you can define YOURSELF what role you can take/be. Good luck!
Thank you ladies for your
Thank you ladies for your responses. Sorry I couldn't reply earlier.
It's difficult finding that balance when your mind says one thing and then your heart another. It has been tough in the past and i'm glad I created some personal boundaries. I have resolved for now to offer one kindness each day to my SD which will probably translate into a sort of friendship I hope, eventually.
I read an article about developing compassion within yourself and how that might manifest with people you don't necessarily like but must deal with ie. our stepchildren.
So I just try to imagine SD as a lonely girl, maybe experiencing feelings or issues that I might of had at her age and how I can reach out to her in some way, even if it's a smile or listening to her story about a book she read. Somedays it's hard when i'm just not feeling so compassionate. Don't laugh ladies but i've started writing it in my daily planner as a reminder because I read it's important to practice compassion everyday if you want it to become natural.
I don't know if it's bringing us closer but I definitely feel better that i'm making a small effort with SD while not giving all of myself up. I don't feel taken advantage of. I don't feel as angry. I hope this becomes effortless one day.