If you are feeling like you need to call off the wedding, I would postpone the wedding for now.

Give yourself time to see if things get better or worse.

Thing is... it's not just your pride. It is destruction of personal property. It is lying. It is now playing the victim to make daddy back down. And he is backing down. This is the pattern that you will see for the rest of your relationship with this man if he doesn't get a sup huge clue and fast.

This will escalate. She knows you and her dad both know. She also now knows for sure that absolutely Nothing will be done about it. So next it will be your other clothes, your family photos, your kids toys, your furniture, the house walls.... And every time she will have just no Idea what you're talking about and be so Insulted you thought she'd do such a thing.

She obviously is not on board with here dad getting remarried, which wouldn't be a big deal if her dad would keep it from being a problem. He's just proven that he won't.

You may not want a war, but this girl does and she will make sure there is one. Your fiancé's behavior indicates its a war he will not prevent and that you will be fighting it alone. I would seriously reconsider this marriage.

i would think long and hard.
ive recently gotten engaged (december) and SD13 has been a nightmare and BM has really fueled soem major problems.

as much as i love my fiance and want to be married to him now, i am seriously considering delaying the wedding until SD is 18. we dont want kids togehter so its not like id be missing out on that by delaying. a part of me did want a child with him in our early days but SD has all but ruined that for us. im at peace with it tho - we travel alot and even fiance has commented on occassion that he likes the freedom he has with not having his child around 24-7.

Let me put it this way - you COULD still get married, but do so understanding that there is tremendous hatred by your SD (which, by the way, isn't abnormal. She's acting out immaturely but most would agree typically for a teen girl) and that hatred right now is simmering under her skin so she is destroying your things. She's not lashing out verbally or in a way that says "I did it!" which means she KNOWS what she did was wrong (this fact is important - some skids on here don't get that what they are doing is wrong.)

Now, whether you do get married or postpone, addressing your SD's passive/aggressive rage is important. Don't pretend that by not getting married it'll just go away. It won't, she needs help to see how to handle her feelings. Not necessarily from you - that hardly ever works - but is there a school counsellor etc who could start the ball rolling?

And then of course, you could just end the relationship. But only you know how much this man means to you and the difference he makes in your life. There are no easy answers - all roads equal hard work and sacrifices of some kind.

RUN! the secret of a semi-successful step family (I say semi b/c there is no FULL success, EVER) relies exclusively on the biodad working with SM to be on the same page. If you don't have the unequivocal support of biodad the relationship is DOOMED!

From my experience, undermining and backbiting the SM (on the part of biodad) happens probably about 85+% of the time. Finding a biodad with a spine is as rare as discovering gold on your front lawn. Finding one that will turn on SM and scapegoat her for everything is as common as a sunny day in San Diego.

OK, Im going to say from a neutral position, that you think it may be possible that 1 of the other 4 kids did this either by accident or purpose ? I notice you don't mention anything about the Step son, could she have taken it down to try it on and accidentally spilled something on it ? Could the kids have gone into her closet and pulled it down ?

She may feel attacked cause you just assumed it was her and didn't question any of the other kids. Im just trying to give the benefit of the doubt that may have been someone else. The polygraph test and calling the cops is way over the top.

I would just get out now, what is delaying your marriage going to change ? In the end you'll still be with him dealing with it all married or not. Naturally as parents we want to believe our kids, I know Ive been shocked a few times with things my kids did that I never thought they'd do.

Try to talk to her on your own, from a calm place, and speak with her about how she feels with you being with her father. You don't need her permission but it would be good for her to come out with the truth.

Do you have other problems with this SD?

And one more question? What do you expect your DH to do since the kid is adamant she did not do it?

So I would say you both sit down with all the kids, so she doesn't feel attacked and then both of you sit with her alone and discuss the whole situation. This can't keep happening if it is her and if you aren't going to leave him then it needs to be addressed. Good luck and hope it works out

IMO, you need to cut your losses and ditch your fiancée.

He will likely never step up to the plate and do the right thing and it will only get worse and worse over the years.

BTDT, got the t-shirt.

The husband who will throw you under the bus not to make kids or xw mad will give you nothing but years of untold misery.

Meantime, you guys could be buying a house, having kids together and all of it that makes leaving a lot messier and much more difficult.

I have to agree with others here who have said you should consider calling the whole thing off. It does NOT get better! If he will not stand up to his daughter now, he never will.

I cancelled my wedding last year due to my dislike of 17 yr old ss. I am glad I did. We are still together but my partner puts his son first every time and it is a constant battle between us as he thinks his son is the bees knees, rather than a noisy, irritating, I'll behaved kid. I often think about leaving but guess I am scared of doing something so final. It takes a lot of courage to start life again and at middle age I could end up a lonely old woman and I do love my partner but don't feel fulfilled and appreciated. I would certainly postpone the wedding if I were you and see how things go.

IMO, the biggest cause for concern here is that your fiance is questioning you when you said she did something. Does he seriously think that you would make something up? Why would he want to marry you if he didn't trust you.

Listen, we have 5 kids living with us (3 his, 2 mine) and they all make mistakes b/c nobody is perfect. When my husband points out my kids mistakes I immediately back him up. However, when I point out something one of his kids have done ESPECIALLY the oldest girl, he NEVER believes me. It is f-d up.

Trust me, I am LIVING this nightmare. ONLY marry this man if you can live with the fact that he will ALWAYS take her word over yours. YES, even at the expense of the other kids' expense.

Just this morning, I told him that the oldest SD had melted chocolate in her bed and pretzels under her bed. HE has a rule that there is no food outside of the kitchen. His usual responses in these situations is to say that she probably didn't realize she had food in her pocket and it fell out. You okay living with that? For the rest of your life??? Think about it.

Lots of good suggestions here. Not sure if I would recommend calling police or a lie detector, people look at step parents like they are crazy for stuff that severe (trust me, I've tried it).
Wise man once told me: "you teach people how to treat you". This said, if she gets away with this (because assuming you aren't a manipulative sociopath that did this herself, we all KNOW she did it)she will continue with this. If she is aware that this manipulation works, she will continue to manipulate. If he falls for it this time, he will fall for it over and over again. There are a million ways that you will get sucked into their battles, expenses, and drama. You will rarely (if ever) benefit from the manipulative SD. If you do see a light at the end of the tunnel (behavior improves), I recommend you look closer; it is likely a set up of some sort.
You need to seriously consider how much the relationship is worth to you. These kids are teens, and they visit instead of living with you, but their behaviors will also influence your children.
You could attribute my post as bitterness (I would have previously), but I warn you; if you do not teach them better communication techniques, it will get worse.

Take it from me, I've been married to a man for ten years who has two daughters they were 7 and 10 when their dad and I got married. I have never been able to stand my SD and through out the years it has only gotten worse. I wish that I would not have married the man I did and mostly bc of his children. I have two sons from a previous marriage that I love dearly. My sons and his daughters hate each other. If you think the husband will stand on your side against his own "blood" your sadly mistaken. His children will probably tourtière, torment, spit in your drinks and put your toothbrushes in the pot, and do any/everything to go against what you say. My advice is if your future husband is already dismissive towards their actions and already is "picking children's side" run as fast as you can bc it will only get worse. On the other hand if your future husband is on your team it could be a different story. I can tell you the the step brats only get worse as teens and if you think 18 is some magic number well it isn't. His kids will be in the picture FOREVER. They just multiply and try to come back if you can get them to leave in the first place! Best wishes!!

She's passive aggressive and marking her territory. Either the steps up or I would walk. There is no middle you are either a partnership or you aren't. If he can't back you up now- it won't get better. That you are thinking of calling off your wedding tells you that your gut feeling knows that to be true.