Ugh...I am going to be totally honest...it was easier to disengage from the skid than it was the BM. And to this day...I am not totally disengaged.

It is a sickness! lol.

BM lives 3 hours away. I blocked her from calling & texting me. Texting came first because she abused it, but then I started to feel bad about the calls. I felt like I was chained to my phone when SD was here, & when she wasn't my heart still dropped when I saw BM's # on my caller ID. She called a lot & never let SD talk to me if she called... so what was the point?

It just dawned on me one day, WHY do I go through this? She has no right to contact me at all. So I blocked her calls. I also stopped going to pick up/drop offs.

I still love SD7, we still hang out when she's here, nothing has changed at all - other than I don't allow her mom to bully me.

I have never been anything but disengaged from NPD BM. I can count the number of times I have spoken to her since 2002, on the fingers of one hand. I have caller display on the phone, if she calls I don't pick up. If she comes to the house, I don't answer the door, I go into the back garden, so that I don't hear any conversation if DH answers it.

On the very rare occasions when I have been in public in the same place as her, eg for SD19's confirmation ceremony - I don't acknowledge her in any way or even look in her direction. Her dreadful behaviour has forfeited all right to be treated like a normal person, in my view.

If you really want to have nothing to do with her - then you need to not go to any events that she may be at, without your DH - then HE can deal with her if there is any dealing to be done.

I never really engaged with BM in the first place. She doesn't have my phone number and never will if I have anything to do with it. If she and/or my stepson needs to tell me something (they never have), then they can call/text my husband. I've never received a text or call from her in the 7 years my husband and I have been a couple. I'd probably kill my husband if she ever did get my number because that's the only way that would happen.

I do go to my SS10's school events, but we don't make it a point to sit next to BM or her family. Since SS is most likely with his class during these events, there is no reason to be near her.

If her and I happen to be in the same room/area at the same time, I treat her just like I treat any other stranger. I'm polite, but keep my responses short and I never talk first or bring anything up in conversation. I have no interest in having any kind of relationship with BM because she's a lunatic and already makes me "the bad guy" and my SS blames me (and the kids my husband and I have together now) for the reason why he doesn't like coming over. So why add to that by engaging her in any way. The less she knows about me, the less ammo she has to tell my SS about how horrible of a person I am.

I too took a long path to finding peace from my psycho BM. It still amazes me how the psychos are all the same LOL!

Honestly, the only way I have found to effectively disengage, has been to 100% remove her from our lives and be hard as steel about it. Take ALL the power away. No phone calls are allowed, no text messages, and anything of major importance can be sent by email or a written note. Anything to do with children must be put in writing - now, we had a psycho mom who pulled all sorts of crap with the kids, so that is why it was insisted it must be in writing because she lied to us constantly. However, I would still advocate for writing only, because then: 1. You never have to hear her voice. 2. She can't blindside you with a verbal request and you get stuck having to say yes on the spot. 3. When something is written to you, you can respond at a time that is it convenient for you - and it gives you time to think of your response if it is an emotional trigger. I am so far disengaged now, that her emails to me go to a separate file folder, so I never have to see them!

We also put our foot down on changing our schedule with the kids. All requests for changes are refused - but again, we had a psycho birth mom who was constantly trying to change things. Funny how it doesn't seem to matter to these women that there is a schedule in place for a reason LOL! The trade-off, is that we can't request to change ourselves, but I swear to you the peace and tranquility that comes from never having to deal with the woman is much more important to me then my skids being able to attend an event with us on her time!

It is also important, at pick up and drop offs, that you/your DH don't enter her home - this is a classic psycho BM ploy! "Come in former dear husband, let's chat about the children and what they're doing, just stand here while we help them get their shoes on etc. etc." Man, when we stopped doing this, she raised holy hell but what a difference it made in shutting her out of our life! Before our children had their own cell phones, we would phone the house (call display meant she wouldn't answer) and tell the kids to get their shoes on. Now they have their own cell phones so a text to them would tell them "get your shoes on and head outside."

The hardest part of being so firm, was the stink she kicked up initially. She was a pathetic spoiled child, trying everything to get our attention and get her way. But we stood firm, and slowly the requests/intrusions/contact stopped. She still tries from time to time, but we just shut it down.

As for family type events where she might be? I actually pretend she isn't there. I think about old coworkers or people I went to school with, who I didn't really like, and the fact that I wouldn't go and talk to them if they were in the same room as me - so I treat her the same. "Oh ya, there's so-and-so..." And then just keep going.

This one is tricky but I am in a very similar situation to you where I have a decent relationship with my skids and most of my gripes about step life are regarding the BM.

I initially found this site looking for help dealing with a high conflict BM and with a lot of help from the more experienced here I have successfully disengaged from BM.

My disengagement is purely mental. I still see BM as I, too, want to attend skids functions (they ask me to) and the way DH's schedule and mine conflict sometimes I have to do drop offs (rarely but it happens)

If you want mental and physical disengagement you will have to do as Kes said and not attend anything she will be at. Stay in the car at any exchanges etc.

If that is feasible, more power to you, but it will probably cause some strain in your relationships with the skids.

With BM in my case, I needed DH's support in setting boundaries and we decided to follow the CO to a T and limit all switching unless it was a major event like a wedding/funeral. No more my second cousins having a BBQ tomorrow nonsense. Limit phone calls and texts to emails. We got SD a phone so BM didn't have to call DH. DH was a huge help in this and in realizing that I and we needed it, that I was not willing to share him with another woman including his time/attention.

As for how the mental disengagement works: I had to initially do some self reflection and admit to the mistakes or "overstepping" (hate that word) that I may have done in the beginning to poke the high conflict bear. I realized that while my intentions were always to bond/build relationships with skids, there were certain things that I did that I can see why they caused a high conflict person to over react, but I didn't realize it at the time since I am pretty laid back. I also had to get to the bottom of my own issues and insecurities, also, not easy. What it came down to for me was the fact that I had never been married before and she got to have all of these "firsts" with my husband. She had a bond with him in his kids that I did not. Yes, I knew he loved me, but she had something that I didn't. All of his memories around his children- first steps, first time he held them, funny stories, those happy memories with kids were intertwined with memories of BM, how much they hate each other now didn't matter because she would always have something I didn't. What I eventually came to accept was that she got his past and I got his future and for every "happy" memory there was a crappy one to go with it. His first memory of having a wife that cheated was BM. His first memory of a domestic violence call was BM, his first memory of someone walking out of the house and trying to take his children was with BM- all things he will never experience with me.

So once I accepted my insecurities and realized my mistakes it was easy to make sure I avoided any decisions/situations where the mom or DH should be handling things. Then I did take a step back from attending extra curricular functions to almost give BM a break from me and myself a break from her and that way I could ease back in. I convinced myself that I am completely indifferent to BM. This was the most difficult one. I had to decide that I didn't hate her and I wasn't better than her, I simply just didn't care about her. The only thing I would acknowledge about her was that in the universe we both exist. A lot of this was mental and I had to remind myself, but it's funny, once you keep telling yourself something enough times you can start to believe it. Once I accepted the fact that I didn't care about her, I decided to physically reengage but this time not worry about what she thought and just be myself. If I see BM I say hi, sometimes we even have a cordial chat (mind you it has been years) If we are at an extra curricular with SD, when it is over I always let BM and DH say their "good jobs" first and before we leave I will give a high five and say "hey great job at xyz today" I don't feel the need to "show my place" anymore. I am just myself. BM will always have an opinion about you, and not that I defend BM, but in all fairness, how can she not, you are the woman she couldn't be with her ex husband. You are a woman she has to share time with her kids with and the fact that they like you probably eats her alive. Just remember as you try and disengage, any thoughts that you have of her, she is probably thinking of you twice as much.

When the kids tell me things about BM I don't say a whole lot "oh that's cool, that's nice, really? wow! that must have been fun" etc. When DH says things about BM if he is venting I lend him an ear and if he needs advice I give it as if I never met BM and don't know how she truly is and tell DH to do what is best for his kids/his family.

I truly am indifferent to her at this point, but it is easier said than done and definitely takes effort.

You got a lot of advise about how to do it but your question is how can you disengage your mind from competing with her. You have to keep reminding yourself that this is not a competition. A race cannot be run if one of the drivers won't drive. You keep reminding yourself that nobody in the world cares what she does except I suppose a few of her friends and since they're not your friends they're irrelevant.

In fact she's irrelevant. Also keep in the mind the following:

"Imitation is the sincerest of flattery"
Charles Caleb Colton, English
(1780 - 1832)

Now implement all of the techniques given to you here so that you personally never come into contact with her - your husband never mentions her and you only have to deal with comments from the step-kid. These you handle with a minimum of response - just enough to acknowledge what the kid said then change the subject.

Keep in mind that being pregnant you're going to be more emotional about things and you'll feel better about the situation once all the turmoil is over in a year or two.

This has been the hardest. I am pregnant and BM actually threatened to drag me out of the car next time she sees me when we pick up her daughter. We had 2 screaming matches on the phone but the last one was the last straw when we threatened me and I am pregnant. My SO actually called her and said to never threaten our child or me again. She said our child?? Thinking he wad talking about THEIR daughter. He said NO mine and my fiances child. You know she is pregnant font ever threaten her or our baby ever again and since then its been so much better. I made him realize how she walks all over him and how he was always afraid to speak up because the fear of her doing this or that. He is done with it . And since then he hasn't been bowing down to her. He actually told her she needs to start meeting him halfway for the pickups of my step daughter which usually takes an hour for us to drive. She wouldn't do it. So he said he was nor picking her up then. She tried her best to lersway him as his daughter 7.. was screaming and crying in the background begging him . He still said no. I truly feel like a million dollars after this weekend. We are done doing all the work and letting her lazy behind sit and do nothing . My so is finally taking a stand !!!!