Advice on stepson who lives with us!!!
My husband and me have custody of his son 15, and we also have a 9 and 1 year old. his son is so disrespectful to me he lies right to my face, he always gives me an attitude and back talks me. As parents were both easy going but my husband is very easy going. he is always on my side as we need to be a united front and discuss things later. my stepson really has no boundaries and his dad is very easy on him because husband feels guilty that there relationship changed from friends on the weekend to full time parent with rules.( he doesn't get along with his mom and has lived with us a little over a year) I love having my stepson live with us but its getting very hard to stay sane. just looking for some advice. what do you think is a typical bed time for a 15 year old on weekend ( he currently shares a room with 9 year old)? should my husband and me check the 15 year olds phone (he pays for it)? these are some things we disagree about. also how to handle my step sons back talk and being disrespectful? thanks new to site.
Really the rules vary from
Really the rules vary from house to house and whatever you two agree on should set the tone. However since he's the biological parent I'd bow to his wishes on things that effect only the boy - such as bed time. It's really irrelevant to you what time he goes to bed.
As for consequences for being sassy the confiscation of electronics seems to work best. First one day without his cell phone - and the hell with that "I need it in case of an emergency" crap we're not living in the middle of the woods. There is always somebody nearby with a phone we can borrow - especially kids. Then two days without the phone - etc. Whatever the kid cherishes then that's what is taken away.
Take a serious read of the article I've linked below:
http://steptogether.org/help.html
the only reason I set a
the only reason I set a bedtime is because we are living in a small space right now and he shares a room with his 9 year old stepbrother. So he spends most of his time in the living room. He used to stay up till 3am or later and I don't want him banging doors and smashing dishes all night and morning long. I want to be fair in setting a time for him to go to room where lights have to be out because 9year old is sleeping. Think my stepson would die if we took his phone away. Thanks I will definitely check it out.
If he's understanding of what
If he's understanding of what a united front means, he should also realize that you should have standard rules for all three children or you'll have "Well you let SS do it" problems later.
Personally, I don't think kids have a right to hide what they're doing electronically from the parents. I always made it clear to my daughter that any thought of privacy she had regarding her stuff was an illusion, I can and will go through your computer and room if I think I need to. It was also made clear to her that I would not hesitate to take whatever action necessary to keep her from ruining her future so if she wanted to go down a bad road, it would never be allowed.
I did go through her computer a few times and made a point of asking her about who the people were that she was talking to and such. She wasn't mad at me for "invading her privacy" because she always knew that me checking was a given. She never went down that bad road and she admits she didn't do things that other kids did because she knew she'd be in a poopstorm of trouble about it if I found out. She's grown now and has thanked me more than once for being a real parent, especially when she sees her old classmates unable to make it in life because of the paths they chose in high school.
The choices they make will follow them through life, but the choices you make in parenting can haunt you for the rest of your life too.