She's trying to get back with him now
Boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. He has an ex who he was with for 7 years, they have a 7 year old son together. They were split up for 2 years before I met him (he had another gf for seven months before me), but they were sort of seeing eachother when I met him (which I found out later).
We were having difficulties a couple of weekends ago and she knows about this. They meet halfway to exchange child and since he didn’t take my car (which he usually does because it’s easier on gas) she knew something was up.
Well we worked things out after that weekend on the Monday right after. Last week, I had this nagging feeling and he was in the shower so I went through his phone. I found that he’d had several text messages exchanges with her (he texted once, she responded once, then he texted twice again) between 11:30 and 12:00 on the Sunday after he dropped off child when we were fighting. He deleted theses texts but left all the other ones from the convo (on his phone you can tell by the call log which messages were sent even if they delete particular ones from the convo).
I was very upset and wanted to know why he deleted part of their convo. He said because it was nothing, and that she was just being underhanded and sneaky. And he said “well if you looked through my phone you would have saw her fb msg”. I didn’t see it so yesterday night I finally decide I wanted to see what she sent him, after she called and the first thing he said was “Oh, I just didn’t know how to respond to that message” because she was asking why he didn’t reply to it. So I was curious of the message and asked to see it.
So I looked at it and she’s trying to get back with him! She said she still cares about him, wants to meet up just the two of them to talk about everything and “lay everything on the table”. That she has questions and is sure he has lots and would answer anything! How she’s changed sooo much in the last 4 years and is better now. How she “knows him” and is seeing that he’s down and that she will help him if he wants to talk. They know eachother so well etc etc. She also said she doesn’t want me to know she sent it because she doesn’t want “negative outside influences” and that she wouldn’t tell people in her life. She also had little anecdotes to explain why she moved away (oh you remember my favourite part of this movie bla bla). Also said, that if it wasn’t something he wanted to do they should atleast work on being friends.
There was lots more but I just skimmed through it angrily and I was fuming and didn’t even want to finish it. I freaked out on my bf, saying she’s trying to get back with him. He denied that’s what she’s doing! He even tried to say she just wants to co-parent for their son and be friends.
That message is clearly her trying to get back together. I am so angry now and I have no idea what to do. I just need any kind of advice. He promised that he “hates her” and would never get back with her and that he wants to be with me. I don’t know how to believe him. They share a child. If she gets him alone and reminisces on old times, I’m scared that I will be left in the dust.
But then part of me wants to just back off and see what he does.. maybe they will end up being a happy little family and why should I stand in the way of that. I want whats best for him and his child.
Ugh… any advice/suggestions on how to conduct myself ??
I would tell him that he
I would tell him that he should get his own place until he figures out what he wants to do. Tell him this is not a suggestion but a statement. If after six months he still wants to be with you he can come back with an engagement ring. I' well aware this is pretty extreme but it will bring and end to this one way or the other.
If he does you can feel pretty confident about him and his dealings with this woman who will be well aware that he had the opportunity to return to her, that he choose freely not to and cares enough for you to give you what he never gave her - the ring and all it represents.
She is going to be a part of your life for the next decade and to a lesser degree forever so its best you put your misgivings to bed now.
Nope.
Nope. Nopenopenopenopenope.
You can do better than a guy who is wishy washy on where he stands with his ex. much better. In fact, every woman on the face of this planet can do better.
DH, although kind of an airhead on other areas, never got this wrong: once he started a new relationship with anyone, all communication with the previous ex ceased. Would have never dated him if it wasn't, and he and his gf before me were together five years. Cold turkey.
I'm with not2sure, in fact,
I'm with not2sure,
in fact, when DH and I met, the gf before me was trying to get back in his good graces. DH being a dolt like many men, took it as, "oh- she wants to be friends."
I went off the grid and disappeared for a few weeks, he got the point. I'm not into sharing. nope
Now, with BM, important communication only, and most via email. There has been nothing remotely personal personal between them.
^^^ Wouldn't have wasted even
^^^
Wouldn't have wasted even another minute considering him as a viable partner. Nopes.
OK...My problem with this is
OK...My problem with this is that you obviously feel that you can't trust your SO. If you can not trust him, you should not be with him. I am a firm believer that people should NOT go through their SO phones without that person's consent. It just creates problems.
Trust is a hard thing to give. You really don't want to be hurt, but if you feel that you can't trust you SO, you need to leave him. Relationships that are not built on mutual trust do not last.
Id bow out, DH has had his
Id bow out, DH has had his stream of exes try to "pop" back into his life once they saw he was settled down, he showed me every single time someone texted him or contacted him and would let them know he was taken and that was it.
My gut tells me that its a thought, and you don't need to be second best honey. If he still has feelings for her then you should just bow out and move on with someone else that doesn't have this baggage. If you do stay then he needs to make it clear to her that they are done.
If he was already sort of
If he was already sort of seeing her when you met him there is your answer. Pack your stuff and move on, clearly he has tried again before, and has something to hide by deleting text messages. You are lacking trust which is a major thing in a relationship especially one with a intruding ex. The BM in my situation clearly tried to get back with DH when we were first dating, especially when she saw my shoes outside the door at a drop off and flipped sending DH messages she missed him which when I got home were shown to me and we giggle about how desperate, they were not hidden. She has also made slight flirting gestures, and comments through drop offs, and SS though not recently though all were handled with full disclosure to me - if I didn't want to hear it I would tell him but there was the honesty. Though sometimes I feel like DH has been a little to honest about some thing especially prior to our relationship.
I will look at my DH's phone, answer it etc but never have to feel like he hasn't defend his happiness. Hell last night I saw something on Facebook that hurt my feelings (him friending someone who played a support role to him during his divorce) and immediately was able to bring it up, get an apology and a reassurance - mind you I wasn't worried it just hurt my feelings. There was no him defending his actions, him hiding it or anything and to me this is trust.
I have always had problems
I have always had problems with trust and have never trusted anyone when it comes to affairs. It's a long story and it started when I was a child and I thought I'd grow out of it but here I am, 24 and still can't trust people to be faithful, regardless of who it is.
I told him last night that he needs to tell her that the only thing he wants with her is to co-parent and NOTHING more or I'm done. He said "right now?!" and then proceeded to call me psycho and say I've always caused problems with this situation and always been on his case about her. Well, I've always been jealous and I have had moments where I've voiced my fears but it hasn't been a daily thing. He then started to write a response in a big long message to her and it took him a long time. He said he wanted to address everything she said. He even CRIED during a part in it. When I asked him why he was crying he said he was writing about how he can't be there for his son every day and it's the biggest regret of his life (his son lives 2 and half hours away with her - we get him EOW). I can understand crying about saying that but my gut was like.. what the hell?! Why is it so hard for him to just say "I want to co parent and NOTHING more".
This is terrible timing because this is the weekend we have to meet her to get him. I don't even know what to do at this point. He is making it seem like if he tells her he doesn't want a relationship, that she will keep their son from him and now it would be all my fault because I'm making him tell her that. He said he was going to AVOID it. Really?
Ugh I'm so confused. The messages that he sent her were before she sent this long message. He said he didn't say anything bad in them but now I'm thinking what if what HE said triggered her to propose this? He is still also trying to say that she just wants to be friends from this long message she sent him! Am I just being totally played here? I don't get it. What does he have to gain from keeping me around if he really is considering getting back with her? I offered to just get up out of his life and he wants me to stay. Then again, I do pay $500.00/month for bills + buy groceries (I live with him). And he hasn't had a job for our whole relationship (he does pay his mortgage from his savings).
Thank you everyone for your advice!
Honestly if you already have
Honestly if you already have issues, and on top of how he is acting why would you stay?
Occupy yourself this weekend. Start a plan of how you want to move on with your life.He clearly sees no issue with them communicating whether you know the truth or not, and as long as he has a CO he can enforce it and file contempt if she denies him seeing his son - guys don't think about this but this is the point of a CO so that the other parent whether mom or dad cannot deny visitation.
Here is the other thing don't offer to get up and leave. SAY you will get up and leave, no one is going to willingly say yes let me pay more bills. He needs to get a job and stop depending on you for bills and groceries - tell him that he either needs to stand up for y'all or you are leaving. Clearly you work and can I'm sure come up with a plan for your own place or bunking with someone to get on your feet.
It is not worth being unhappy I promise. I've been there - and it's not....you are young and can find a man who will respect you and your relationship.
I'm gonna try and just see
I'm gonna try and just see how things go this weekend. He took my car to go meet her to get his son for the weekend so to me that is a good sign that he isn't trying to hide that me and him are still together.
He did send her a message that explained that they should get along as co-parents for their son. I don't really know what more I can ask of him other than to never hide their communications again because that is so wrong and there should be no reason to.. is that unreasonable?
I'm now starting to wonder if I might have overreacted.. BF said he showed his mom the message she wrote and that she thinks I overreacted. But I don't see how.. everything i said in this post was said. Maybe I did jump to conclusions and jump down his throat though. I am very insecure and have been for our whole relationship so maybe he hid it cause he knew I'd react like this..
I just don't know! But anyways thank you everyone again for your advice and suggestions!
Honestly I would still
Honestly I would still question everything, he hides once, he can hide it again. This is why when I have an issue if DH were to ever get defensive or I found out he hid something would have major issues. I am not one to check phones, but I have senses of places to look (truck, facebook page - not account but page) and then approach the situation all of which have been handled nicely by my DH, and none were relationship threatening just odd things. I just I guess I'm to scorned to give to many open chances if someone hides something.
In my opinion considering you know for a fact he deleted messages, you are not overreacting. You walked into a hot mess and are trying to make the best of it from what I've read. The fact you found out they were talking again when you got together would be enough for me. And honestly who cares if you overreacted as I tell my DH I may get overly emotional at times but I do it because I care. His response to you was overreacting and uncalled for. Calling someone a psycho in your situation is disrespect, not being transparent is also disrespect. I am not saying that just because they have exes we need to dig through everything but we should feel secure that they will communicate with us properly, and uphold the value of the relationship.
Not trying to sound negative but I've been there.
If you have these feelings
If you have these feelings this early in the relationship then leave and find a new partner without the baggage of a child from a previous relationship.
When I met my DW her son was 15mos old. We did not have the tension of the Sperm Idiot Bio Dad living nearer than 1200 miles from where we were. That is the closest he ever lived to us.
We had the time to become a couple and a team without the stress of an X having regular interface and influence. Learning to deal with a kid that was not mine was challenge enough. I wanted to be with my then GF and I liked the kid very much. It worked out for us.
At that stage of my life I had the maturity and patience to deal with a relationship with a woman that had a child. I did not, do not and never will have the patience to deal with a partner who plays games with their X and allows an X to manipulate a relationship that I am in. My SS is now 21 and his mom and I will celebrate our 20th this summer. We partnered to keep the Sperm Clan under control, to raise the kid to be a viable adult and young man of character. I would not have tolerated games particularly from my partner.
Based on the flavor of your post, go now and do not take on this baggage.
Good luck.
Thank you everyone. I know
Thank you everyone. I know deep down that it is not right even though he swears up and down, something about the way he is around her just makes my gut ache. When we had to meet her last time to drop off their son, he was apologizing for us being late and I guess she wasn't responding to him and he was all upset about it saying it would make the child upset. Something tells me that deep down it's his feelings that are hurt though..
I've felt like this the entire relationship and honestly it is just getting old. So old. I feel like I'm partly to blame because I have always been insecure and untrusting and questioning him about things.. but if he really loved me, I don't think I would feel insecure and untrusting. It just doesn't feel genuine.. I feel like he will always love her and want her.
I just don't know where to go from here. I was hoping eventually he'd fall completely in love with me and be totally out of love with her and this would all fade away. Well, apparently that will never happen.
Thanks again everyone for your valuable advice!