Stepkids make my SO less and less attractive
My SO has started complaining a lot about how I don't hold his hand or kiss him or touch him as much as I used to. I feel guilty because, quite frankly, when I look at him all I think about is how much I resent him. I used to love his shoulders and the freckles on his nose. Now, I cringe.
I have also started working late so I don't have to come home to his rowdy kids, who live with us 24/7 because their mother left the state years ago and won't visit them or take them even for a week. His oldest son, who has ADD, has only gotten worse since puberty hit.
I have considered seeing a therapist, but I'm not sure how she/he could help me.
I've joked that I'm going to separate the house into two parts so that he and his children (ages 14, 13 and 11) can live in their own area and I can be in mine with my bio daughter (age 12). I have joked about that and then daydreamed later about how wonderful it would be to never see or hear his kids.
I am thinking a good
I am thinking a good therapist will give you direction. Living in a toxic environment is really hard on your health. I've been their. If you can afford it, consider a duplex. What does SO stand for. I figured maybe husband. Well, he might look better to you if you do not live with his family.
Significant Other
Significant Other
Why would you even want to
Why would you even want to stay? I would leave and be happier with your daughter and just you then live with a man you don't find appealing on many levels.
My DH has had his unattractive moment but normally regains his appeal rather quickly.
See, this actually makes more
See, this actually makes more sense to me than the women who just ADORE their man while hating the skids. Maybe its my anthropolgy showing again, but human females are designed to pick mates based on our own biological needs to produce their offspring. Your own genetic line trumps all others in the world of competition. Watching your mate parent (or not parent) offspring that is not yours should be uncomfortable if not a total mood killer. His kids are in competition with your biological investment. Watching him nurture another female's investment should feel like betryal.
But I guess this is where we turn our backs on nature to insist we've "evolved" from such unsophisticated feelings. I believe this is why there is so much internal conflict.
I guess I dont see God and
I guess I dont see God and evolution as mutually exclusive since I believe He created the system itself. Im not sure what DHs unfortunate children's disabilities or unwanted physical characteristis have to do with anything. BUT, since you brought it up, do you not ask yourself what deficiency DH might have that he would create children with someone like BM? Its only fair to ask since all your blame for these socalled ungodly, ugly children rests squarely on BM as if she was some kind of self pollinator.
I dont believe females are evolving at a faster rate than males. A little equality in the last 50+ years does not an evolutionary jump make.
You don't like the guy and
You don't like the guy and you don't like living there. What's the question?
You didn't marry the guy because you two wanted to be sure of your feelings for each other. Now you know. You don't have kids. Go find a guy and start your own family or one who doesn't want kids either. Do you really think an option is to spend the rest of your life there?
Admit to the guy you made a mistake. Take the blame so there is no argument.
i feel this way too. the
i feel this way too. the more dh is obsessed with the skids and mini wives, the less interested i am in him in the romantic sense. a man with another wife or mistress lacks the means to attract me. no matter if they are his own children.
if you do seek counseling make SURE the counselor understands the dynamic of a stepfamily, otherwise you will be made to feel guilty for feeling the way you do, and the counselor will make you out to be a jealous unloving woman.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. I didn't really have a question as my post was more of a vent of frustration.
Generic, I really appreciated your comment. Looking at from things from an academic perspective ... I never thought about it that way but it makes sense. That's how I feel exactly.
Many of you asked why I don't just leave. This is a man I've known since I was 13. I'll be 40 this summer. And while we've only been living together for three years, I genuinely love him. These children have just killed a lot of the good feelings I had. The whole thing is tragic in away -- to love someone but just not want to be around them.
Seems completely rational to
Seems completely rational to me; but I would get some help. I often read stories here about how terrible of a parent some of these DH's are and wonder how women continue to find them attractive. If DH did even a fraction of the crap I see here, our sex life would be non-existent!
Yhatzee: Exactly. I look in
Yhatzee: Exactly. I look in two of the kids' faces and see the combination of their dad and mom and I'm repulsed. The third, and youngest, child looks nothing like his dad, and not even very much like his mom. He's the easiest to be around.
When they first moved in with me, I tried to love them because they are part of him. But I'm now counting the days until they are 18 so they get out of my house.
I'm constantly fighting a feeling of guilt, though. These kids have no mother. I feel like I must really be a monster to dislike them so much.
It's just natural. Your guilt
It's just natural. Your guilt is used against you as a protection spell for their offspring. Because in the wild? They would murder your offspring to make you available (go into estrus) to their genetic influence.
Generic: Do you know where I
Generic: Do you know where I could go to read more about this issue from a biological/anthropological perspective? You've offered some fascinating insights.
It is a conglomeration of my
It is a conglomeration of my studies in college. My major was physical anthropogy. I dont know how much current stuff is available online, but see if you can find something on "psuedo estrus"- it is a fascinating adaptation that helps keep a females' offspring alive when a new male comes to town.
I admit that we are not lower primates, but man it was really hard not to draw similarities.