Is my double standard a problem for anyone but me?
I am BF to ds16, dd15 and ds7. SF to sd14 and sd11. I am NCP of my bios with 36% visitation and reasonably good relationship with ex. DW is CP of skids with her ex having custody of skids during summer months. Married to DW for 6 months, we have known each other's kids for 19 months.
Since we have been married, there have been the usual bumps in the road, with the standard "You're not my Dad!" and "You don't belong here!" outbursts. Also tearful calls to skids BF telling him how awful I am. For example, I communicate in a face-to-face manner, whereas DW and bios are likely to stand in separate rooms or on separate floors of the house and shout at each other. So when I am in the same room, I am "in their face," which I don't deny. DW knows that I am exactly the same way with my bios, and has said that she in general admires how I interact with them. I made it clear to the skids that they are free to call their BF and report on the goings-on here, since I have nothing to hide. Long story short, BF is suing for primary custody, listing as some of the reasons (these are real): 1) he has asked DW (his ex) to not expose her kids to any of her boyfriends (I am the only one they have met), and since we have married and live together she has obviously violated that 2)I am verbally abusive (see above) and 3) we attempt to control the skids through denying them their possessions if they fail to behave or do things they are asked (what I call a consequence.) He has convinced the skids that I am abusive, and they have both said it when they get mad. As I have told anyone involved, I have zero worries about anything truthful about our home life being shared, and I have no way to guarantee that any testimony will be truthful, so I figure it is out of my hands. DW is extremely worried about skids' BF getting primarycustody, so she has asked me to "tone it down" until the custody investigator and trial are done. Ok.
I still treat my bios the same way I always have, for example, having them help with dinner, making them eat at the table (on Sunday when the skids were both in the living room in front of the tv), help me c lean the garage, help me in the yard, whatever. I do occasionally ask the skids to do the same, but I know that at times it is obvious that I am asking more of my bios,and I am sure giving them more attention and being more involved with them. I guess that to me it goes hand-in-hand. I still help with skids homework, attend their functions, cook meals for all of us, etc. I don't hate them, I am just not as much "into" them. I guess it is a certain level of disengagement? Maybe we are just finding equilibrium, though my DW, skids and I have all noticed at different times that I spend an inordinate amount of time in my room. DW has at times requested that I engage them more, and play more games, and take them fishing and try to show more interest in "enjoying" them. I have resisted, as I feel this is a one-sided request. So the question is this: Can we go on the way things are, or are there bound to be issues down the road with DW, skids or bios? If so, what do I/we need to change about my approach to the situation? Thanks in advance for any replies.
Tell DW that her kids are not
Tell DW that her kids are not receptive to you hence why you don't engage with them. If you parent the way you say you do (and that's what I call the things you listed being used against you in court) then I wouldn't worry. If the judge is sane, he will see that the kids are being brats and don't want to be disciplined. I would disengage as they suggest and get your DW to read up on disengaging to help her understand why and what it's all about so her feelings don't get hurt.
They know that he is going
They know that he is going for full custody. They know more than they should, since when they visited last BF showed SD14 the crappy (according to DW's lawyer) affidavit his lawyer put together and the "evidence" the judge suppressed. She was also shown the six pages of affidavits that DW and I sent back to refute and offer counterexamples to the allegations. He insists that the skids deserve to know what type of person she is. The skids, by the way, are good students, involved in lots of activities, and have quite a few friends. They aren't bad kids, despite our differences.
Yes, the opinions regarding their preference of residence that they are willing to state in court are a concern. But SD14 and DD15 are really close and share a lot. I asked DD15 how many times SD14has told her she would like to move, and DD15 said zero. For this and other reasons, DW and I believe a lot of it is put on for BF. I am guessing that custody investigator will see through a lot of it. Custody investigator from 3 years ago alluded to potential PAS by BF and new custody investigator has access to that report as well. Time will tell.
To the question from my original post. Who is most likely to find our current way of going about things unbearable, and rebel? It is definitely a balancing act.
To fight PAS buy the DVD
To fight PAS buy the DVD "Welcome Back Pluto" and get the kids to watch it. It's suppose to help. I just bought it myself. Divorce Poison is also a book that could help you and DW
Here's a link to
Here's a link to disengagement. Give it a read for what its worth.
http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html
Considering the age of these girls and the unsurprising reaction to your marriage by the girls and their father I think you should totally disengage after explaining to their mother why.
Keep in mind that disengaging doesn't mean you have to be mean, rude or ignore their presence. I was disengaged yet taught one girl how to drive, took them and their mother to meals out every couple of weeks, sent one girl $50 a month for year in college because she goofed and didn't file for college help.
The disengagement primarily concerns itself with discipline and that's exactly where most of the problem is centered. Listen there are a million kids growing up right now without any help from you and most will turn out just fine. These kids are doing well and I'll almost guarantee they'll do well. Just leave them alone they've got enough problems and you don't need the hassle.
If your kids complain about being treated differently tell them that different parents have different goals for their children and you want to make sure they learn that life isn't a push over. Tell them that experienced parents have told you that kids who get a free ride while growing up often think their whole life should be that way and end up failing as adults. You (I) don't want you to end up a failure and I love you so much I'm willing to take the time to make sure you're on the right path.
Thanks for all the replies.
Thanks for all the replies. Part of the reason this is so difficult, is that DW sincerely loves my bios, and 2 of the three sincerely love her. DS16 is respectful, but not as friendly. they have a good relationship, though.
Sueu2, I found your response interesting, and I think you have some valid points. Regarding your suggestion that I feel the need to be able to assert myself to feel part of the family, I think you are somewhat correct. This is something DW and I discussed in length before marrying, but of course actually implementing it is another story. As the saying goes, "Every fighter has a plan until he gets punched in the face." Interestingly, my ex used the reason that I was unwilling to be flexible in dealing with my bios as part of the reason for wanting a divorce. Last week she texted me that she had warned DS16 that if he couldn't abide by her few rules, he would be sent to live with me. I wish (as does DW).
My skids aren't out of control little bastards, as someone said, they are just different. In some ways better, in others worse than my bios. Life goes on...
I don't deny that I favor my
I don't deny that I favor my kids. If my skids acted right then it might be on a more even keel.
Thanks for the encouragement,
Thanks for the encouragement, I have said from the beginning that I will WELCOME the day that the things that are being called abuse and all this other nonsense are held up for impartial adults to examine and pass judgment. The trial stuff IS stressful, but it is temporary.
Sueu2, you are off base when you say my methodology is the only source of conflict. And no, they are not exactly like my bios or I was. We all come from different backgrounds. There are some behaviors that I find difficult to tolerate, and DW and I go around about me not being accepting enough, not liking skids, whatever. Basically being too critical. I freely admit I am more critical than she is, and I try to temper it. It still is a hot topic at times, though. Still doesn't make anyone "bad."
To be clear, when I say that I was accused of getting in someone's face, it was not as much about volume as it was about proximity. As I said, DW and skids sometimes have their disagreements from across the house, and sometimes on different floors and with a door or between them. You have to be pretty loud to make that "work." DW feels that it was more the fact that I would be in close proximity that was a problem. I guess it is something to which they are just not accustomed. (Yes, on a couple of occasions we all got pretty loud.)
Thanks for the encouragement,
Thanks for the encouragement, I have said from the beginning that I will WELCOME the day that the things that are being called abuse and all this other nonsense are held up for impartial adults to examine and pass judgment. The trial stuff IS stressful, but it is temporary.
Sueu2, you are off base when you say my methodology is the only source of conflict. And no, they are not exactly like my bios or I was. We all come from different backgrounds. There are some behaviors that I find difficult to tolerate, and DW and I go around about me not being accepting enough, not liking skids, whatever. Basically being too critical. I freely admit I am more critical than she is, and I try to temper it. It still is a hot topic at times, though. Still doesn't make anyone "bad."
To be clear, when I say that I was accused of getting in someone's face, it was not as much about volume as it was about proximity. As I said, DW and skids sometimes have their disagreements from across the house, and sometimes on different floors and with a door or between them. You have to be pretty loud to make that "work." DW feels that it was more the fact that I would be in close proximity that was a problem. I guess it is something to which they are just not accustomed. (Yes, on a couple of occasions we all got pretty loud.)
As funny as we found BF's
As funny as we found BF's petition, the judge is hearing it. Plus, if BF truly believes what the petition seems to point to him believing, what kid wouldn't want to live in that situation? So, we are going through it, and hopefully the prize if we "win" will not just be more of the same from him. I will believe that when I see it.