Guess who wants to come back home???? SMH!
I knew it was too good to be true. SD14 has been staying with her friend since Christmas. I couldn't have been happier. However as I told DH and myself, this was a temporary remedy not a solution because I knew she would wear out her welcome. Yesterday DH got a call from her friend's father. He said that he has been laying down the law and SD14 didn't like it. She thinks she is 21, she thinks she can do whatever she wants. I blame DH for this. Of course when you let a 14 year old live with their friend they are going to feel like they are grown. She should have been sent back to her mother's house, because she refused to respect our household and she refused to obey any rules. But no, he let her stay with her friend. So now she wants to come back home. NOOOOOO!!!! I told DH there is no way she can live here, we have tried it twice and it does not work. She has only gotten worse since she left. She showed up at my daughter's bday party high as a kite, her eyes were so glassy and slanted and she was acting so ridiculous. I'm not stupid. DH on the other hand claims that how she always looks!!! Denial much?? DH and I got into a huge fight about her coming back. I told him she needs to go to her mother's house but he claims they are not even speaking at this point and her mom doesn't want her to come back. The problem is SD made it that way on purpose. She would go to her mom's house and start arguments to the point that her mom would call DH and say "come get her, I can't deal with her." That is exactly what SD wanted. She is so manipulative it makes me sick. Have any of you ever had to break up your relationship due to a stepchild?? DH keeps saying that I can't truly love him if I don't want his child to live with us. But the thing is, I have tried and it doesn't work. The girl just cannot live here.
Exactly. I knew from the day
Exactly. I knew from the day he brought her here that she would be the nail in the coffin for our relationship. It is really unfortunate, I have been with this man for 13 years but I can't deal with his daughter. He claims that he doesn't let her get away with stuff, he is hard on her. He thinks yelling is discipline. Yeah really effective as you can see.
I would be getting out! I'm
I would be getting out! I'm nearly to that point right now, and SD15 isn't even to the level of your SD, and I don't have younger children to think about. There is a long history here...a long bad history! I would tell DH he created this mess, and now he can deal with it on his own, because he obviously "doesn't truly love you" if he expects you to take care of his mistakes! (and yes...that is what he is doing, because from what you have said, he takes a very hands-off approach to SD) It goes both ways! This girl has brought questionable boys into your your home, is doing drugs, etc. This is not only a danger to you, it is a danger to your younger daughter!!! If DH cannot see this, he is a bigger idiot than my DH!
Yes! I told him my main
Yes! I told him my main concern is our daughter, I do not want that negative influence in my house.
I have told him repeatedly
I have told him repeatedly that she needs to be in a program. Nope. He wont look into it because he knows she wont go. Wow since when did a 14 year old get to call all the shots? DH gives her money every week for an allowance even though he knows she smokes pot, it's all over her facebook page. It makes me sick. He is in such denial it is unbelievable.
OK...first things first.
OK...first things first. Your DH is a terrible father. Both of SD's parents are terrible parents. Is your DH wanting her back to straighten her out, or does he just want her back so she has a place to stay?
I am on the fence with this one. If he did not have a DD with you, I would say that his first duty is to finish raising his DD. Even if that means leaving you to finish raising her on his own. IMHO, she is what should come first.
BUUUT...you also have a DD in the mix with him, so she needs to come first too. What a mess!!
I feel for you. I would never allow her to move in with me and my DD if she has all of those issues.
DH feels like he already is
DH feels like he already is tough on her..SMH so not true. So yeah he has to let her come back because she has no place else to go. Which means she will continue doing the same BS she has always done and I can't allow that in my house.
If he truly loves his
If he truly loves his daughter, he would parent her instead of expecting her friend's parents to do it.
What kind of person does he want her to be? What will he do if she gets picked up for drugs? How soon does he he want to be a grandpa? What does he want for the daughter you have together?
The girl's own mother doesn't want her living with her but you're supposed to be ok with it? She obviously has no respect for anybody and he is not willing to do anything about it. That's the problem.
Anybody can say, "If you love me, blah, blah, blah." That goes both ways.
Thank you! I ask him all the
Thank you! I ask him all the time, where do you see your daughter in the next 2 years? If she continues on this path, it isn't going to be pretty. He just feels like he has tried and she is who she is. That wouldn't be good enough for me.
That's ridiculous, she's 14
That's ridiculous, she's 14 (and begging for some attention). And he's lazy.
Between her actions and disrespect, and his unwillingness to parent her, I wouldn't want her moving back in, either.
Absolutely. I told him I
Absolutely. I told him I already know what it's gonna be if she comes back and I can't let it happen again.
"The girl's own mother
"The girl's own mother doesn't want her living with her but you're supposed to be ok with it? She obviously has no respect for anybody and he is not willing to do anything about it. That's the problem."
Not to steal the thread...but thank you, thank you, thank you for saying this! This not only applies to OP, but me as well. Twice BM dumped SD15 on us because she was too much trouble for her...and she now lives with us because BM's husband does not want SD15 living in their house doing that. Oh, so they think it is right to make this my problem? Yeah, even disengaged, it is still my problem because this crap goes on in my home, and is creating a rift in my marriage...same as OP!
These DH's need to start being real parents, but that also goes for the BM's in these situations!!! How is it that so many of us steps have raised our own bio-kids to not be these kinds of spoiled rotten brats, but yet we aren't allowed to have any say what is going on in our own homes? We are told that we are being too harsh...we are told that we are the bad people...we are told to butt out! In a few years, where are these brats going to be...still in our houses doing whatever the hell they want because our DH's refuse to grow a set? I for one don't want to be around to see it!
If our DH's really loved us, they would not put us through this crap! At the very least, they would stop being afraid of their princesses and princes hating them, and just parent! "No" is a very powerful word for such few letters!!!! That very word molded my bios into hard-working, respectful adults! It does work!
Yes! Before she moved back in
Yes! Before she moved back in the second time DH had me convinced that he was not tolerating any of her crap. He had an action plan, sounded really convincing. When she got here, she started immediately pulling her BS and he would ground her. Well what happened when she snuck out? Nothing. He let her stay out because he couldn't "handle her." Unbelievable. The whole situation makes me sick and I don't want her in my house.
I'm not sure how I would go
I'm not sure how I would go about doing that. I was hoping she would get caught buying it or carrying it at school. She needs a wake up call and so does her father.
You have to disengage and
You have to disengage and just say no to her living there. He can move out and find a place for the two of them. My SD left at 14 after playing everyone and is 18 today and a walking train wreck because for the last 4 years that BM has had her, she had no rules. She knows and DH knows she is welcome to come here, but on my terms. Since she will not do what I have said, it will not happen.
Therapy, Meds and no drinking, drugs and no car and she must be enrolled in some education. I know this conversation is coming and I will not waiver on this stuff. If not, DH is welcome to leave with her and I will raise his other child here. My SS has told him that is exactly what will happen, since he doesn't want her here either.
You have to have guidelines and not waiver from them. If he won't parent, than this is won't happen. I am lucky, DH wants to parent, BM just won't let him.
I really think that is what
I really think that is what it is going to come down to. He said that I never spoke up when she would do things I disapproved of. Wow so now it's my fault your daughter is a hot mess? He is the father and if he can't control her why the hell would I want to try to? Oh and my favorite line he uses is, "You just don't want her here because you don't like her." Hmmm yeah that's it, it's not because she smokes pot, lies, steals, has sex with anything that winks at her, does awful in school, it's simply because I don't like her. SMH!!!
Disengaging is not enough.
Disengaging is not enough. It would be different if she was the only kid in the house. You stand your ground. No return. It didn't work twice it won't work thrice because nothing has changed. Tell him if she returns you're going out the back door as she comes in the front. But be careful you just might find out who's more important.
Well yesterday in the heat of
Well yesterday in the heat of the argument he said "What am I supposed to do move out with her???" My face said it all. I mean what am I supposed to do? Just keep letting her come back and pick up where she left off? I'm sorry I can't allow it.
I know it is
I know it is tough...especially when so many years are invested, and especially since you share a child with this man! I don't share a child with my DH, but I still am struggling with the fact that I have 15 years invested in this relationship. How am I supposed to just toss that aside? Then, he doesn't stand up for me with SD15...lets her treat me like crap...lets her do what she pleases...they both continue to to disrespect me and my home I work hard for. That gets me thinking...is trying to salvage those 15 years of my life really worth putting up with this crap?
I don't know about in your case, but I DH wasn't always like this. Truthfully, I suspect that there is partly a mental/medical reason behind DH's change over the years. He has received medical diagnosis (when a bunch of tests where run when he became ill last year) that he has ignored...a diagnosis for which, when I look up some of the things this particular imbalance can cause, depression and lack of self-worth are among them. DH refuses to believe this...he doesn't believe that your chemical balance can affect your mood...just like he thinks that BM should be able to control her bipolar. He has also had symptoms of adult ADD for as long as I've known him, but again, he refuses to acknowledge it. It seems that the depression and the adult ADD are not melding well, and making him someone I don't think I can continue to deal with. I love him, but he refuses to help himself.
That said, I seriously suspect that SD15 suffers from mental disorder as well. I get that teenagers have natural attitude...all part of the separation thing and finding themselves...but SD15 is often overboard!!! You add her history of cutting, the eating disorders, the pot smoking, the drinking...yeah...something is wrong there, but since DH refuses to acknowledge mental disorders as being real, well...I'm sure you understand completely! From what you have said of your SD, I highly suspect some type of mental disorder in her, as well!!! But like my DH, it seems that your DH is refusing to acknowledge that the child has a problem.
There, we are both in the same boat! If their parents will not seek real help for their children...or maybe even for themselves (as these things don't just manifest...there is usually some sort of family history), then what can we do? We can't be expected to deal with untreated mental issues, and the results of such! People may take these things lightly, but any kind of mental disorder can be very serious...even something that seems as simple as depression. I've been doing lots of thinking about this the last couple of days.
She needs a social worker.
She needs a social worker. For all intents and purposes, she's a runaway. Somewhere between a runaway and an orphan. It's time for the state to intervene since all of the adults in her life have failed her.
I'm a little confused. Since
I'm a little confused. Since when can a parent let their 14 y/o child do whatever they want and live wherever they want? Last time I checked a 14 y/o was still a MINOR. This kid needs a serious reality check. Bedroom stripped down to the bare mattress. One set of clean clothes per day. One set of shoes. No phone, no tv, no friends, no money. Weekly at home drug tests. If she doesn't comply, then send her to Juvie. Her parents don't care about her and that's actually sad.
Thank you. Seriously, I have
Thank you. Seriously, I have never seen anything like this in my entire life. She makes it clear that she feels she runs the show and if she doesn't like what you say to her, she would run away to her friends house. So DH let her stay. So now she is too big for her britches thinking she is grown.
She's not too big for shit.
She's not too big for shit. She needs a good swift kick in the ass and some militant style parenting.
If he really cares about his
If he really cares about his daughter, he would be in contact with the police and ask what can be done with an out of control juvenile who is smoking illegal drugs. I'm sure all they would have to do is get his approval to do a urine test on her and BAM!, she gets the help she needs and her dad is too lazy to give her.
I would also wonder...has she
I would also wonder...has she even been going to school? I know you mentioned one day that she had missed school and using some excuse that the teacher said it was a student day off and it wasn't or some junk like that, and that she needed a note. If she has been doing all this crap, has she still been going to school? If not, your DH could be in serious trouble, as truancy is criminal in most, if not all, states. I would contact the school, and if she isn't there, send the cops over to the friend's house to retrieve SD! Maybe DH would finally take some responsibility if he has to go to court and explain his actions (or lack of) in making sure SD is attending school. Also, I'm sure a judge surely frown on DH simply letting her live at a friend's house (because it will have to come out) and allowing her to run wild...could result in the judge ordering SD into foster care, juvi, or something like that while a parental fitness hearing is conducted! He may hate you for it, but it seems this marriage is in trouble over this girl anyway...at least it would make the "state" involved so that maybe she doesn't continue to run wild!
Don't be so quick to think a
Don't be so quick to think a parent can't give permission for a kid to live anywhere the parent wants as long as the child is getting food, shelter and in school. Child Protective Services is overwhelmed anyway and not in the business of rescuing children not in need of it.
But she's not your kid. If the look on your face said it all then if he tries to bring her into the home you stand at the door and physically stop them. Yes he can get his one room apartment and she can sleep on the floor. Even then CPS isn't interested.
I think it would depend where
I think it would depend where you are. There are some places that are too overwhelmed to deal with these kinds of issues, and others who aren't, and come down hard. It can very state to state, county to county. Like around here...in the city, it is a different county, and folks get away with all kinds of stuff there...too many cases, they are overwhelmed. The judges there are also more liberal (not to get into a political discussion here, but it does make a difference). In my county, however...just one county over...you don't get away with crap! They tend to come down harder here...more conservative (sometimes overly conservative) judges, smaller work load (as most of the population is spread out...lots of farming/ranching communities). Here? They would truly look at this case closely, and the bios would have some serious 'splanin' to do!
I had a friend that was
I had a friend that was having some issues like this with her bs... Mental issues run in his bf side. She has tried to get him help but bf would always get in the way.. It took him living with bf and them getting into a fist fight and police involvement to get him back on track.. He was even in foster care for awhile. I don't have my own experience with all this but I just might consider calling the school and make an annonomous tip about the drugs... Bf and bm would then have to face the issue... And maybe sd will have to face consequences before it takes over too much of her life.... Just an idea....
Now he's telling me he's
Now he's telling me he's bringing her here regardless of what I have to say. He said he realizes it was wrong to have her staying at her friends house and since she wants to come back he can't tell her no. I agree he never should have let her stay there he should have sent her back to her moms since she didn't follow our rules. I asked what would be different this time, he couldn't tell me...not very reassuring. I asked what he planned to do about her pot smoking....he started yelling that I hate his child and I'm so wrong. Hmmm nice deflection. Bottom line I don't want her here and I have made that abundantly clear. What now? This is just crazy to me.
Was it you who was saying
Was it you who was saying that there was a house or duplex or something coming available? I would tell DH he can live with his daughter elsewhere, and if he insists on not leaving, you take your daughter and get out! This is a safety situation! If your DH cannot understand that, there is something wrong with him! SD15 isn't even in as bad a shape as your SD, but I can promise you if there were a younger child in this house, there would have already been some serious words about her behavior, and I'm certain DH and I probably would have ended up splitting a year ago when SD15 moved back in with us! I can totally understand with BM's husband does not want my SD15 there, because they have a small child.
Don't let him force this monster on you! She WILL put your daughter in danger, this is certain!
Here's what happened with the
Here's what happened with the duplex-my landlord offered to lower my rent month if I stayed where I'm at, so naturally I jumped on that. I love the house so it's a great deal. BUT that means he is going to have to move out with his rotten kid. NOT ME! I just don't see it happening. I just resigned my lease so I can't and wont leave. It has to be him and his spawn.
What kills me is I asked him point blank what his plan is, what is going to be different this time? He refused to answer me. He just plans on letting her do whatever she wants in MY house. Not happening. He told me I need to speak up and I have permission to yell at her and lay down the law. Why should I have to yell and lay down the law so he can just sit back and let me parent? NO WAY! If she doesn't listen to him why the hell would she listen to me? I am just so sick and tired of fighting about that girl, I am at my breaking point. I wish I was the one that could pack up and leave.
Hmmmm...I wonder if you filed
Hmmmm...I wonder if you filed for divorce, since the lease is in your name, you could have him and his daughter removed from the premises? Hoping it would not have to come to that kind of craziness, but you are right...you shouldn't have to do his job, especially since she surely will not listen to you. One thing is for certain, I would make it clear with her history that it be understood she WILL be expected to cooperate with spot checks of her room and/or purse/bag for drugs, and if any are found on her, the police WILL be called and you will have his "princess" toted off to juvi! I don't know what your relationship is with BM, but I would also wonder if it was time to have a sit down with her over a cup of coffee and discuss the situation...see what she says/thinks...that is, if you think it would help.
He looked at me like I was
He looked at me like I was crazy when I said she needs to be drug tested at home at least once a month. SO his plan is to do absolutely nothing. I am so angry, he is blaming me for everything. Oh ok I am the reason your weed smoking princess is in the shape she's in. Sure. The funny thing is I refer to him as DH on this forum but we never actually got married...we are engaged but I never took the leap. THANK GOD! I just really wish we could part amicably but I don't see that happening. He is a very bitter man and he is not going to take this well. He wants me to give in. I can't.
Well, then...if the lease is
Well, then...if the lease is in your name, tell him to live elsewhere with his pothead...if he doesn't leave, have him escorted out! Explain to the cops that you feel your daughter is being endangered by his, and you asked him to leave with the girl, and he refused! I'm sure the girl's "friend's" parents would testify on your behalf as to the girl living at their house, and the problems she caused there!
It's so crazy that it has to
It's so crazy that it has to come to this. He has admitted to me that he can't handle her and doesn't want her to come back but she is his child and he feels like there are no other options. The thing is if he had a game plan this time, if he was really convincing that he was going to put his foot down and that there would be consequences, I would probably give it another shot. Only because I know I have had it with her and this time I wouldn't let anything slide. However his reaction told me everything I need to know to make my decision. He is not going to be proactive so this is not going to work AGAIN.
Absolutely, I couldn't agree
Absolutely, I couldn't agree more. I have to look out for my daughter and I do not want SD in my home. I was reading her Twitter posts to him last night and he was getting pissed at me saying I'm immature! You should have read them, "Cloud Surfing" "I'm so high I'm on a cloud" "Roll it up smoke it forget it all"....need I say more??? OH and apparently what started this whole campaign to come back to my house is because she got caught sneaking out of her friends house Monday night and she was read the riot act by her friend's father...nice huh!