Appropriate Punishment?
So yesterday I was home with BD12 & SD12 both sick, DH was working. When BS12 & SS11 come in from school, they decided to fix themselves sandwiches without asking permission first. I had already started dinner, so I proceed to remind them that they are not allow to go fix themselves food without permission (otherwise I would never be able to keep food in the house). When I found out, I called both boys into my room. BS12 came in first, we talked about it, and he says "Yes ma'am, I'm sorry I didn't ask first". I said "It's ok, just don't do it again".
Then comes SS11, who tells me "I fixed mine for my lunch tomorrow, not to eat now". I said, "Ok".
Then I walk into the kitchen and find a half eaten sandwich in a baggie on top of SS11's lunchbox! So, he had lied straight to my face about the sandwich!
These are the moments I can NOT make myself disengage.
By this time SS11 was back in his bedroom playing his PS3. I walked in and ask him why he lied about it when he knew BS12 didn't get in trouble, just reminded not to do it. He continued to stick with his lie about fixing it for his lunch the next day. Once I pulled the half eaten sandwich out from behind my back, he knew he no longer had a leg to stand on with his lie.
My punishment for him: He was made to finish the sandwich and that was his dinner. He was not allowed out of his room, because DH was still at work and I just didn't want to deal with him, see him or hear anymore lies.
I want to make him stay in his room at all times unless DH is home, so that I don't have to deal with him. Once DH is home, I can seclude myself in our room and not allow SS11 in there. Anyone ever gone to this extreme?
Wait. You're SS is 11 and
Wait.
You're SS is 11 and MAKES HIS OWN SANDWICHES!?!?!?
Frack-me! My SS is 13 and if he had to make his own lunches he would be liable to stab himself.
Bio's & Skids want to take
Bio's & Skids want to take their lunches instead of buying from school. The deal was, they would make their own. I buy the bread, lunchmeat, chips, drinks, fruit. But it is up to them to make it and take it.
HELL NO! 13yrs old and can't make a sandwich, what's the story there???
Not much of a story. My SS is
Not much of a story. My SS is an enabled teenager with an accute sense of "learned helplessness".
I'm alllllll too familiar.
I'm alllllll too familiar. (shakes head)
I was thinking the same
I was thinking the same thing, LOL.
A little overkill I think for
A little overkill I think for the punishment (banishment to his room after already being punished by getting the half eaten sandwich for his dinner. One or the other maybe? But I probably wouldn't have done both to a bio so I have to say I wouldn't do both to a step)
If the "reward" the kids/skids seek is making a lunch at home instead of buying one at school, then the lie about the half-eaten sandwich should have resulted in the consequence of no more homemade lunches for "x" days/weeks. SS gets school lunch while truthful kids in the house (bio or otherwise) get to make their lunches still.
I realize this skid and you have a long history and maybe the overkill punishment was justified. But when I look at a skid, I mentally imagine it is my DD11 and try to follow through with consequences I'd give a bio. Now if my DD11 was consistently resistant to basic manners and honesty, I'd come down hard on her too - so skid or not - sometimes hard is what's called for.
"I mentally imagine it is my
"I mentally imagine it is my DD11 and try to follow through with consequences I'd give a bio."
This has worked wonders for me and truly helped my relationships with skids. I think I read it on one of your blogs or comments some time ago and now I really do try to follow it when skids are being annoying. Are they actually being annoying or would I think it's cute if it were my own child? How would I handle it with my own child? It has really put things in perspective for me and forced me to cut them some deserved slack here and there.
To be honest, if either of my
To be honest, if either of my bio's had done what SS11 did, they would have gotten a spanking & made to eat the sandwich for their dinner. However, I can not physically touch SS11 for fear of BM calling authorities to report abuse. I have on other occasions "banished" bio's and skids to their rooms with only a sandwich for dinner in place of whatever full meal I was fixing. You're right we have an extensive history, which is compounded by my utter hatred of liars, and nothing I (or DH) have tried in the form of punishment works for SS11. I can't disengage from SS11 if I am the only one home and BS12 did the same thing. The punishment was for the lying, not because they fixed the sandwiches without permission.
Thanks! After 6yrs of trying
Thanks! After 6yrs of trying to help SS11 be a better person...I'm over it! I work & receive CS and help DH, who works but doesn't receive CS, pay for everything we have. If he or I one have to sit in a room to allow disengagement, it's certainly not going to be me unless I want to be in my room.
Thank you!
Thank you!
I don't ever use food as a
I don't ever use food as a punishment with kids. My BS13 can eat 3 sandwiches in one sitting and he could definitely at 11 as well. So having him eat half a sandwich for dinner and just be hungry is a ridiculous punishment IMHO and I wonder if that could get construed as neglect if someone wanted to call the authorities. I would have personally ripped the PS3 controller out of the console and told him he was off of it for a while for lying.
He was not allowed to play
He was not allowed to play the PS3 while sitting in his room for the evening. As far as the "half eaten sandwich", he had just eaten the other half 5 mins prior, so technically he had a whole sandwich for dinner. I will say I understand what you are saying about not using food as a punishment, but had I not had him finish it for his dinner, he would have had half a sandwich for lunch today. So there is a 2 edged sword. I'm honestly curious what you would have done about the sandwich?
Beleive me for 6yrs I have
Beleive me for 6yrs I have been trying to "nip it in the bud". Nothing has worked. I love the idea of disengagement, but it's not always an option. At this point the only way I can think to make it work is to keep him away from me or the others in our house so that he can not lie to me or lie on the other 3 children...lying is a constant issue with SS11.
Have him make another
Have him make another sandwich for lunch ?? I don't use the "ability to pack a lunch" as a reward or punishment, I don't see the idea behind it. My children have the same rule they are not allowed to eat a snack an hour before dinner, if they have broken that rule they don't get a snack after dinner. I have boys who eat nonstop and they are reg size.
I enjoy packing my kids lunches cause I know they have healthy options to eat and not the "pizza" or ribeye sandwich or any various school "food" the school offers lol. The half eaten sandwich wouldn't have had me up in arms, the disrespect and lying would have ticked me off. I HATE lying and when my kids have lied they have been punished.
I understand my way is not the only way. Theres several different parenting styles, however you did ask a question and I just merely responded.
Yep, did that. He ate the
Yep, did that. He ate the rest of the sandwich, he lied about, for dinner. Then made himself another one for lunch today.
The ability to pack a lunch is not a reward/punishment in my home. It's a choice. If they want it, they make it. I don't do things for these children (bio or skids) that they are capable of doing on their own. At 11 & 12 yrs old all four of them can make a sandwich, pick out a drink, chips & fruit and put it in a lunchbag/box to take to school. I want them to be self sufficient, to their ability at their age, so that as adults they don't rely on Mommy and Daddy to take care of everything for them.
Abuse? Child Protection
Abuse? Child Protection Agency? What????
Remember when kids were sent to their room without dinner as a routine punishment and these weren't fat kids either.
You did exactly right. The sandwich was directly related to the crime of lying. At the very very worse the kid woke up this morning real hungry instead of just plain hungry.
Exactly OCC! That was my
Exactly OCC! That was my logic behind it...just couldn't find the words. SS11 did the same thing that BS12 did, the difference...BS12 admitted it and we moved on...SS11 as always tried to lie his way out of it. It really wasn't that big a deal until he lied about it!
Abuse, CPA = (CRAZY) BM - because she believes everything he says. But I guess it's to be expected from SS11 because BM does the same damn thing, lie about the simplest of things.
Yes exactly Orange the key
Yes exactly Orange the key phrase is "remember when", remember when you got your ass whooped with a belt ? remember when you could spank your kids in public ?? Remember when you could send your kids to bed hungry as punishment, remember when you could leave kids in time out for longer than a few minutes. You do that today and you have CPS or cops at your door.
Hmm lets see the dad who was arrested for posting a video on youtube whooping his teen daughters with a belt.
The mom who got her child taken away for putting hot sauce in her kids mouth.
My childhood friend who was taken from her mother cause she got her ass whooped for starting a fire in her room.
The mom who had CPS at her door cause her daughter didn't eat breakfast put in front of her (cause she was playing around) and the mom had to take her to school.
These days everything is taken to the extreme, do we see all the posts on her lately of BMs calling protective services over Bullshit? Im not saying, she's neglecting the kid, Im saying that SS could tell a teacher, BM, whoever and they could be petty and call protective services.
Among tons of other stories we see and read about nonsense. So lets not go to the extreme here. Its not a form of punishment I I would do with my children, but Im not brow beating the OP.
Ha-Ha Catluttuce...there's a
Ha-Ha Catluttuce...there's a new twist in my house. SS11 has picked up on the fact that if he is asleep before DH gets home from work (8:30pm - normal bedtime for all kids is 9pm) then DH doesn't do anything about behavior. If DH is home and SS11 is in some sort of trouble and I issue a punishment DH will back me, but if left to enforce punishment on his own, DH "usually" doesn't. He will once the behavior is on-going, I just don't normally have the patience to wait for dear 'ol dad to do something with SS11. Hence the resorting to him in his room or me in my room (and yes that is only if I want to be).