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Hi everyone,
I'm new here and the name is KayRe, my husband made it up when we first started dating by taking part of my first and middle name and putting them together and it ended up sticking with me. His kids have not known me for long because 5 months ago he finally got to see them again after the court forcing her to let him see his children. We had been going to supervised visitation for 2 months in which they were not aloud to meet me and then he got to finally start taking them for the weekend. (Every other weekend)That's when they first met me, so we tried to break it to them slowly about us because they hadn't met me before and didn't really know me.
Their mom is evil it seems like, she blocked me on facebook, which doesn't hurt my feelings at all. I don't have an issue with her, she hates me. I'm trying really hard at this whole stepmom role. I don't have any kids of my own and probably never will because my husband had to get a vasectomy in his last marriage which was her fault. I don't like playing the blame game and I won't make her responsible for ruining my chances of kids. He did it after she told him to and he could have said no but I am working through it. I stuck by his side even after he told me he had a vasectomy.

I feel like I'm rambling.

I just ordered the book "The courage to be a stepmom: Finding your place without losing yourself" Has anyone read this book and have any insights?

I am 23 so I am really young but I wouldn't change any decisions that I have made with Josh or his kids. I love them as my own children and he makes me happy. I hope to meet some other people that can help with advice for me.

Thanks for the warm welcome

Thanks for the warm welcome (I suppose)

I'm at work now and a little bored. I have a rib out so I'm not doing much today. So I thought why not reach out for something more. Some advice that I can't seem to find from my friends/family on my Facebook. They don't know exactly what I'm going through even though their very supportive of me and I try to keep my emotions down to a minimum but it gets difficult at times I just break. So I found this site and I'm starting to like it a lot. I don't feel like I'm the only one struggling.

Welcome to StepTalk. If your

Welcome to StepTalk.

If your DH is interested, he can have the vasectomy reversed. My DH just had his "undone" a few weeks ago

A piece of advice .. keep any identifying information private (real names, etc). Good luck!

We've looked into a reversal

We've looked into a reversal and all the estimates we get are expensive. We are tight on money because of the things that he is going through at the time. I get estimates almost up to 7000$ and that seems like a fairy tale to us because we don't have that type of money to pay up front. We really want to get a reversal though because that would make me feel so much better. It's not that I don't love our boys, I just feel like some part of me will remain empty. I don't know if that really makes any sense. It's not the same I just want to have the feeling of having my own child at least once. I don't need 2 kids. 4 is enough for us.

The way you feel won't go

The way you feel won't go away .. and be weary of resentment that may start to build.

The cost can be high, yes. Look into insurance options. We found that even though insurance premiums are higher through my employer, they covered 80% of the cost. So it was worth it to switch for a year.

Also, many doctors accept Care Credit, which gives you a financing option (although interest rates may not be ideal).

Thank you so much! Oh let's

Thank you so much! Oh let's have some haters say something, I don't usually let that sort of thing get to me. I try to listen to advice and take what I know may help me but other than that I don't let advice rule my life. I'll always do what I know needs to be done. He pretty much pays for things that the kids need, I stick with keeping food in the house as does he. He helps as best as he can. He works a lot and we're working hard to get things where they need to be. The BM tries to tell the boys what they can and cannot do at our house because she is used to controlling my DH in any way possible. Not this time because I don't deal with that type of thing and my DH knows how feisty I can be. It's nice to have a place that I can vent and I understand the privacy issue!! Makes so much sense. Nice to meet you!!!

I like the sound of that....

I like the sound of that.... Queen...Hmmm..... Mothers day is coming up I think I shall request a crown

Hahah...He isn't used to having his kids around so I allow him for this short time to do what they want. They always want daddy but they've been away from him for so long. I think my DH realized how much it bothered me that SS9 would say, "This is dads house". So I came back with a comment, "Since this is Dads house I'll unplug the internet I pay for." He shut up pretty quick. They won't walk all over me. SS9 is the hardest to go through because DH states, "he acts like his mother" great. A mini BM in the home. He will be easy for her to manipulate

Thanks

Welcome! You are so young.

Welcome! You are so young. How long have you and SO been together?

About a year. We are a new

About a year. We are a new relationship but the boys have only been around me maybe 10 times because she kept them away for so long.

How many kids does he have?

Three boys. 4, 9 && 10

Oh honey, you are so young.

Oh honey, you are so young. You have no idea what is in store for you..... RUN lol

I can't run...I'll be lost

I can't run...I'll be lost without my love

I'm ready for this. I am young but I know that I can do this.

Can? Yes. But when you're 40

Can? Yes. But when you're 40 & the skids are grown & you have no kids of your own & your DH is finishing up paying for college... & skids start having babies but you AREN'T grandma, & DH & BM are living the grandparent life & you are excluded... when you reach menopause & realize you'll literally NEVER have kids... When mothers day rolls around year after year after year & BM gets all the glory & you get nothing...

Will you resent your DH?

That's the main question. Because even though yes, you CAN do it. I can also go to the hospital & deliver this baby naturally. BUT I don't like pain, so epidural it is.

Anyways, if you can handle it more power to you. I just think these are the things your friends worry about for you. Just know that as bad as things may be now, they will only get worse. So hopefully they aren't that bad so they're still bareable when they get worse & you and your SO make it through.

I am a religious woman and I

I am a religious woman and I grew up in a religious family. If God wants to give me a child then he will when he knows I'm ready for that. I feel that he is in control, you may not be religious and your opinion could be different but this is how I choose to believe. I have chosen this life so I will deal with it the way that I have. I would just like to have the support that I know I deserve rather than people telling me how I may feel or what I should or shouldn't do. We all make our own decisions. I would like grandkids I am sure someday but I am only 23, there is no telling what may happen in the future. We'll figure it out one way or another, we are looking for doctors to help us with the reversal.

**Patience is a Virtue**

"my husband had to get a

"my husband had to get a vasectomy in his last marriage which was her fault"

I wouldn't blame her. I'd blame him. He was the one who got one. He probably didn't want more kids at the time.

I would ignore BM. I WISH BM hadn't wanted anything to do with me when DH & I got engaged. She wanted my #, called all the time, texted, wanted to do joint parties. I had to cut her off & now I just act like she doesn't exist. I don't ever have to see her (she lives 3 hours away, I dont' go with DH to their meeting spot for pick up/drop offs) & I blocked her from calling/texting me.

Boundaries. Just keep good boundaries.

None of the stepmom books really helped me. My issues weren't with my SD7, she's a great kid. & other than the occasional man stupidity, my DH is good about everything. BM was just pushing my buttons. (& in laws sometimes).

It isn't easy. I am also 23, DH & I will be married 2 years in a few weeks & I am pregnant with our first. DH had SD7 when he was just 19.

He mentioned that at the time

He mentioned that at the time he didn't want any more kids with her. He said that he wanted to leave her but he didn't want to put his kids through that so he stuck around. She is the one who ended up filing for divorce. This was at least 3 years ago I believe. Anyways, she moved away and lives 4 hours away, we have to drive 2 hours to a location to meet her to pick them up. I know her and I know her family and they are all ..... uhm....crazy...violent...manipulative people.... Anytime someone in this town hears the name of the BM they laugh or role their eyes because they know who his ex is. A lot of people ask me who my DH is and I say and they look confused then ask who he was married to so I tell them and their like ohhhhh god.....Anyways...she's not someone I want to deal with so HOPEFULLY she keeps me blocked on facebook.

My SS9 (if I did that right) haha He is the middle child and we think he is bullied so it's taking him a little bit longer to get close to me. SS4 tried telling his dad that I'm his gf LOL SS10 and I can relate to each other.

The first time I had to discipline them, (i took all the electronics) Oh man was that a mess. They pulled the "I'll ask dad then" card. Soooo i went to DH and told him what happened and they all got a good talk about how listening is so much easier because we don't want them to get into trouble.
It's a work in progress. I want to be liked by them but I also want to be respected. So I have to show them that I am the adult and they are the child.

I think since you are so new

I think since you are so new to this and the boys don't know you, you really need to distance yourself from the role of a parent. Do not discipline them. Its just asking for trouble.

Well to be fair the

Well to be fair the electronics they got taken from them belong to me.

Me and my DH discussed with each other that I have to show them some authority and it irritates him if I don't do anything. That was actually the first time I ever took anything from them, in which I gave it back later in the day after they went outside and played. The two oldest understand more, SS10 doesn't really care because he'll find something else to do. SS9 will just run to daddy and tell on me and then DH will explain. (daddys boy) SS4 has a short attention span because he's so young. Lol....

I don't want to discipline but using my electronics is a privilege. If I let them get away with things when their father isn't around then I'll be a joke to them and that's what I choose to do but I accept your advice.

"we have to drive 2 hours to

"we have to drive 2 hours to a location to meet her to pick them up"
Nope, he does. Just thought I'd point that out. If BM is high conflict & crazy (which she sounds like my SD7's BM, she is known as a crazy lady in her town) I'd avoid seeing her or interracting at ALL costs.

These kids are your DH's responsiility. Parenting a child that you've only been around a short period of time can make them start to dislike you easily, so yes your DH should back you up but I would expect him to be around so that if they're acting up he can stop them. I wouldn't be watching the kids for him.

3 kids is A LOT. Having 1 SD is a lot, & she's a good kid & I've been around since she was 3. Having 3 step kids you didn't meet until they were so much older? not easy. Also giving up on having kids of your own.

Just be sure you know the sacrifices you are giving up before you get into this. For 1, your DH will be on CS for the next however many years. Even if he isn't right now, BM at any time can make him pay. & everytime he gets a raise, she can reevaluate. Can you raise someone elses kids without having kids of your own?

Honestly, DH has 1 kid & we have 1 of our own on the way & I still sometimes feel like omg is this really what I want? Love is a great feeling, but don't we all feel like that at the beginning of a relationship? You fall for someone, THEN you fall OUT of love & you WORK to keep it alive until you fall back in love.

I'm a firm believer you don't have just one soul mate, so be sure you are ready to commit to staying in love with him. Those butterflies will go away, but those 3 kids and BM drama are here to stay.

How old is your SO?

My DH is 32, you're right WE

My DH is 32, you're right WE don't have to go but I go with him because I feel like I am supporting him every step of the way. I have rode with him to each and every one of his supervised visitations and sat in a waiting room alone for an hour so he can see them. We did that for awhile and now we pick them up. I WANT to go with him. Him and I are a team and teams work together. You or anyone else may disagree but that is how I choose to believe, if he knows that something is bothering me relating the kids then he'll sit down with me and we'll talk about it. I got into this knowing that I couldn't have a child. I would rather be with someone that I love and not have a child (OR WAIT a long time) than to leave him to be with someone else. I see my life with nobody else. Marriages fall apart yes but I personally believe that we have to keep it alive. We go out on a date together or we do something spontaneous together. We have our "alone time" often. Lol if you know what I mean. We have a lot of time for communication as well.

I won't be disciplining them on a normal basis like I'm evil. WE are just showing to them that they have to show a little respect. We've done things together as a family and I take them places to have fun. I want to be their friend but I want them to respect me. I respect your opinion but I have taken the electronics from them once. Never got onto them since. After I took them away their father had a talk with them and explained why it happened. They had gotten over that soon and went on about their day. I don't like having electronics take over our household anyways. (Odd from an IT Student)

I felt this way in the

I felt this way in the beginning too.

I'm giving you advice for future disciplining. If they're using your electronics & abuse them & you take them, that's not discipline to me. That's you saying "give me my stuff so you don't break it". So I don't see an issue with that, honestly.

Just make sure you don't lose yourself in this. You & DH have a lot of alone time now. There's always a chance your DH will get full custody someday. Make sure you can deal with that too. Go with your DH as long as you want to go with them, if there's ever a day you don't - feel free to say no.

don't forget to put yourself first. Your needs first. Because these children's needs, all 3 of them, come before you in a lot of ways. Someone has to put your needs first, & that's you. That's how we all surivive. Learning how to put your own needs, & even wants sometime, first.

How is BM mistreating you? If you do go to pick up/drop offs, you could stay in the car & not interract with BM. Seh should really have no way to get to you.

Idk I guess my main moral is always feel free to, if you ever want to - say no. Never let yourself feel trapped. Always know if you don't feel like keeping the kids, you can say no. If you don't feel like riding along, you can say no. If your SO can't afford something for the kids (a want not a need) & asks you, you can say no. CAN. Don't have to say no, but also don't have to say yes.

If you don't feel trapped & you don't feel like BM is always in your face, things will be much easier. Then you just deal with the kids. & if your skids are like my SD7, it won't be a big issue.

Lastly, know their CO. If there isn't one, get one. Know every part of it & know the state laws so nothing ever comes up (like OMG I didn't know DH has to pay 70% of college expenses, I didn't know CS went until 21 in my state, I didn't know__________) to shock you & create stress/issues. I see that popping up a lot on here.

Yeah we try to make sure that

Yeah we try to make sure that any money related things most of my money gets pulled out of the bank and he has nothing on my bank accounts. His name isn't on anything for my money to just "disappear" ...

I know that I can say no, I always try to stay positive in situations.

You're advice is very helpful. Thank you so much.

They are good boys but SS9 .. well I don't know lol. He's the difficult one. I just try to avoid him, but he's usually up daddys ass somewhere anyways. BM can't have any physical contact with me. We make the pick up/drop off at a police station because she is "scared of my DH" lmao..... She plays the victim card....

I guess she is pissed off and wants to move farther away because her bf broke up with her because she was getting too serious too fast. Idk...so she'll take that out on DH most likely.

Oh and trust me, I avoid the

Oh and trust me, I avoid the BM no matter what. If she ever Unblocks me to contact me on facebook I'll block her. I don't need her drama, even though it'll happen. I am going to be the better person and ignore her false remarks or anything that she tries to say. She won't dictate how I feel towards the end of the day nor will she make me feel any less than I am. I am young but I am also bright and I know what I want in life and the life I have is what I want. I leave my life in God's hands. If I am to have a child then he will provide me with one.

Btw talk with your DH about

Btw talk with your DH about his options for you having a child soon. Would he be open to having a child with you? At what time? If you don't go for a reversal, would he be ok with a sperm bank or adoption?

It's better to know this going in. However, even if the answer is no - if you're ok what that then alright. Some women on here have had their DH's say they would have kids later & then when the time comes, say no. It's been really hard for them

If your the praying type (I am) pray on it. God will show you the things you need to know. Also, we had premarital counseling with a pastor & that greatly helped us know what we were getting into.

He said he wanted to adopt a

He said he wanted to adopt a chinese baby. LOL! Why? Don't ask haha...

We have talked about it and he is open to anything, if we could have a baby now we could. He so badly wants a girl but his words were, "I don't think I'm mean to father girls" He has all boys, but he so badly wants a little girl. I know that would make him so happy but we will accept whatever God gives us. We've looked into adoption but I was the only one objecting to that. We're talking to doctors about a reversal or insemination, etc. It'll all take time though and we are being very patient and letting life takes it course.

Good. And also, being a young

Good. And also, being a young stepmother myself, I hope you dont feel as if I'm trying to attack you or talk you out of anything. I just want you to have an open mind about what you are really in for. I didn't. I was sitting there with my head in the clouds thinking it was similar to being a parent. It's not. It's nothing like it. As bad as kids treat their parents, they treat their step parents 100x worse. Teenage years I know will be hell. & that's alright, as long as I'm prepared.

I do suggest the counseling. It really helped with things. If you could, get someone who is familiar with step situations.

Thank you, a lot of things

Thank you, a lot of things that people are saying make me feel like I'm stupid and that I've made the worst decision of my life. I don't think my life is rainbows and butterflies. I know that things are going to get difficult, and I know that being a SM won't be easy but I'm ready to ride the rollercoaster that I'm strapped to. I have an open mind and I thank you for your advice. I just don't like being called naive or some poor girl.

I will be cautious thank you.

I will be cautious thank you. I am sorry that you believe me to be so naive but I am set on what I want to do. I didn't even listen to my own parents and they were biological. My parents raised me right and I did things that I shouldn't have. I made those choices on my own.

I've grown up a lot since and people do notice that. I thank you as well as I thank everyone else for their opinions and advice but I know what I am doing.

Step by step things will work out. Two of the boys love me and I was awarded "best stepmom ever" the middle child is the one I have difficulty with.

Same! It was all hearts and

Same! It was all hearts and flowers with SD, SO and I at first. We were a little "family". Now that I look back, it was a fake family. I was so optimistic just like the OP. I can handle this. I am strong. I am reasonable. I don't let things get to me. I have no time for drama. Our love will conquer all. BULL-SHIT.
It doesn't work out that way no matter how badly you want it to. After years of having your entire world turned upside down and your privacy invaded by 3 kids, the OP will definitely have a different tone.
I feel bad a little that we are trying to deter this poor girl, but honestly if I had found this site and all you guys BEFORE I committed to SO...well i'm not sure I would be here right now. But then again, you don't know how bad its going to get until you actually live it.

OP - I know you think you are different, that everything will be fine and easy peasey. It won't. I'm sure you've already read some blogs on here and thought "that will never be me". It will. Trust me.

Listen hun, We are ALL

Listen hun, We are ALL different. Circumstances may be the same but our lives are not the same. I am living my life with optimism because I choose to. I have made this decision knowing that anything can happen, that is my choice. If I come back later saying "you were right" then you can say "I told you so" but other than that you have no idea what will happen to my life.

Maybe you guys don't need to "deter this poor girl" and let her make her own decisions. I came here to meet other women who are stepmoms so that I had someone to talk to once in awhile to vent. Not for people to basically hint to me that I need to get as far away as possible from my husband and SS'

It's not gonna happen. I've made my bed and now I'll lye in it. I'm an adult thank you.

I would never say I told you

I would never say I told you so.
We are just all trying to make sure you know exactly what you are getting yourself into.
Best of luck

I know that I have entered a

I know that I have entered a danger zone and I am quite aware that I've entered a very scary situation but I'll handle it with God by my side and support from m DH and family. He raised his boys to be respectful.

You asked about books. A lot

You asked about books. A lot of people recommend divorce poison. I haven't read it. They also recomment stepmonster. I read it & pretty much agree with the things written but didn't think of it as a bible or anything.

Also, try not to get offended by the women here. Honestly so many of them started out with your attitude. I did. I thought "omg these women are so miserable & horrible, that won't be me." & it's true, I am not miserable & horrible. But neither are the other members here. They are just open & honest about how life really is. Being a step parent is something you can never understand until you are there, & with time you'll see how your situation will play out.

Your age, 23, doesn't matter. You could be 43, & being a new stepmother your advice would be the same.

Starting in on step life, it's like being an infant again. You don't know anything & you learn as you age. I'm 2 year in & still having some issues (Recently it was with DH getting to comfortable thinking I will keep SD on his EOWE visits while he works. In my opinoin, if you won't be here - you need to switch weekends or make other arrangements. I'm too pregnant for this ish! lol!)

Just never say never.

Sorry to ramble. I am, as stated, pregnant & hormonal & crazy & talk too much.

I understand completely and

I understand completely and they want to live with us but the judge won't even take that into consideration. They don't want to live with their mother. SS9 cried when he left because he wanted to take the new shoes WE bought him for our home because his were torn up. We think that he may have a hard time at school or something and that's why he acts out the way that he does. These boys are very good boys they just like to have fun in a cruel way. Also they got into trouble because they were picking on poor SS4, who was helping me water the flowers and they kinked the hose and told him to look inside to see why it wasn't working. SS4 started to point the hose at his face and I started screaming, it scared him and he dropped the hose. The two older boys were laughing. They do like me, I'm their "friend" though. Not so much their parent. I'm their dads wife that's about it. Later on down the road I will give more discipline but I don't want to discipline them. I just don't feel that I should. I will if at the time I think it's necessary. Now come on the sprayer on those hoses spit the water out very fast and that would hurt my face even. More SS4 would have been hurting so bad. I wasn't about to let that happen.

SD7 would also like to live

SD7 would also like to live with us & go to school here. Especially with the new baby coming.

We've decided against fighting for custody because -
1. BM isn't unfit. She's just crazy & in my opinion, not good enough - but not abusive.
2. We have SD7 EOWE & in the summer for 8 weeks & spring break, plus every other christmas/thanksgiving (we have either 1 or the other each year). That may only be 35% of the year, but it's more htan half of SD's freetime. BM is broke, even with CS (she has another child & doesn't receive support from that father because she's dumb) so she wouldn't be able to put SD in camps & activities like we can.
3. It would cost too much & we would probably lose.

It's a hard situation. SD would probably have a better life here during the school year because she would be able to do sports during the year (BM promises her but doesn't) but at the same time, the teachers at school make sure she's ok daily. I couldn't imagine her being at BM's ALL SUMMER with nothing to do but be carted to babysitters when BM worked.

Do we know the same BM? LOL

Do we know the same BM? LOL joking. Our is the same way, SS9 came to us saying he was in wrestling and mom wouldn't buy him shoes. So he bought him wrestling shoes as I went along to help him because I'm female...Shoes is my thing

Anyways, comes to find out she never took him to his wrestling meets. SS10 wants to play football but he has a heart condition that I don't know the details about.

He gets to call every wednesday but sometimes she'll refuse to answer. 2 weeks in a row he called and she didn't let them answer. She sits in the room with the phone on speaker phone and listens.

They ground them at BMs house right....then the BM tells them, tell your father your grounded and can't do anything. DH said "fk her this is my house and they didn't get grounded here" DH DID have a talk with SS9 who was grounded and talked to him about the reason why he was grounded like a father should.

BM is frigging crazy but we have nothing against her in court and DH can't afford a lawyer so he's fighting for himself in which BM is taking advantage of him for that. She is broke too and lives with her mother, and the boys have to share a room. At our house they each have their own room && we have 2 reliable vehicles. She has nothing but her mom.

DH calls SD every day at

DH calls SD every day at bedtime. BM sometimes answers, sometimes doesn't answer for a week or 2 at the time. But EOWE when SD is here, she calls every night. Even Friday night. & if DH doesn't answer she calls OVER & OVER.

She use to call 3-4 times a day. That's when I blocked her from calling my phone. If I didn't answer she would call over & over, one day I was on the phone with my mom & she kept beeping in.

she's just crazy & extra. SD would be better of here, yes - but she won't die over there so nobody will do anything about it.

Honestly, I don't know if I want her here full time. DH works until late & sometimes works weekends & with an infant I'm not trying to do it all. Especially during my maternity leave. Sounds awful, but hey - I feel I can be honest here. Lol

PS sorry for being all over your thread. LOL

No shame in being honest.

I'm so ready to be off of work, I have another hour 1/2 to go and I haven't even had lunch yet and man am I hungry right now. UGH! Anyways...Why do BMs have to be so crazy? Ever wonder if that could be us? LMAO

ALLL THE TIME. BM doesn't

ALLL THE TIME.

BM doesn't want my DH. They never dated, he knocked her up as an oopsie in college. She thought she would 'show him' he wasn't 'good enough' so even though they were trying to start a relationship for SD's sake, she was sleeping with his friend. Got pregnant by him, he left her.

She has 2 kids by 2 men who don't want her, she dropped out of school, she now works dead end jobs.

I think she's mad DH's life is 'normal' & hers sucks. We are married, own a home & are expecting our first child. DH finished school & has a good career.

She thought he had ruined her life & his, but it was just hers. She can't understand why he's doing good & she's not.

Lmao that's funny. We think

Lmao that's funny. We think that BM hates us so much because her kids like coming to our house because we do fun stuff. We're just a fun active family. We go out in the yard and play softball or football..GO on walks, I'm a college student and working on being a software engineer. We both have jobs and no matter what she does to DH he doesn't act upset because he knows thats what she wants. I always remind him, don't let her get to you. She's a psycho. They were married for Idk how long ever since they were like young I guess but she was just crazy. She still is, she's just mad that he has someone as amazing as me.

The GAL is supposed to be

The GAL is supposed to be looking at whats best for the children. He kept forgetting my DH have 3 children. Lol Always forgot SS4 on the paperwork and always had to redo it. Shitty court circumstances but I told DH give it time and things will work out.

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